Bisexual Boyfriend?

Hi Dr. Bill,

My boyfriend of two years is 57, and I am a 49 y/o female. We've recently had a large 'bump' in our relationship. I have seen questionable behavior from him in the past, but most recently in the last few months.

At first glance, one would think he was a very masculine alpha male type. He even calls himself an alpha male. However, there are things about him which I question, especially since our recent 'bump in the road.' Up until last month everything seemed pretty great as far as him being happy with me. On the other hand, I had a few questions that I couldn't bring myself to ask him. He has always told me how wonderful I was using phrases like "pure as the driven snow." This is not true, btw. It seems torturous for him to say the words, "I love you." He'll go months without saying it, and when he does he tacks on phrases like "I love you to pieces." Sex is a very physical thing with him. He always talks nasty, and has never told me he loved me during the act. He does make sure I climax though.
Please excuse my ignorance, but I don't know bi-sexual 'behavior' if there is such a thing. I just know he isn't like any other man I've dated. Any one of these behaviors wouldn't raise an eyebrow, but more of them seem to keep appearing. He cooks chef-like meals, he knows designer labels, he has effeminate gestures, he purses his lips, he's very concerned about his looks, and his ear used to be pierced. All of this is nothing really, but there are a few things that worry me.

He calls a lot of guys 'fags', 'bisexual' or 'homosexual'. He is the most sexual man I have ever experienced, it's like anything goes, he has introduced me to 'snowballing' which I had never even heard of, and when I pleasure him orally he throws his legs up over his head. I think he wants me to stimulate him rectally, which I am not interested in at all. He has tried to do that to me, and I don't like it. He said he wants to do me anal. 

About two months before our little 'bump' the effeminate behavior really intensified. At times, he would act SUPER feminine, and even changed his deep voice to a high pitched voice while acting like a girly girl. Now, I wonder if he was testing me to see my response. Maybe he wanted to tell me something? He has genius level intelligence and makes over $300k/yr. When he's traveling he usually doesn't call me at night the way he always does when he is at home.

Anyway, he seemed more than happy with me (and himself) until a month ago when all of a sudden, like a ton of bricks, he won't call me, answer the phone, or respond in any way for several days. When he finally responded, he gave a truly bogus excuse for doing this (I am suddenly terrible now). He did start emailing a little here and there. But, he's going on back to back business trips, which he hasn't done since January. He wants to get back together, but I don't want to if he's bi. Everything is great when it's great which is most of the time. But I hate when he travels, because it's like he just disappears. I know he goes out partying when he is on trips, because he said he does. We NEVER go out partying together. It's like he has a double life. I'm the comfy/cozy half, then he has his 'other life.' We live an hour apart.

In my 49 years, I had never had anyone want to kiss me after a blowjob. He really loves it, licking all of it up. Then, the 'legs over the head' thing. I had never seen a man do that. Then, all the feminine gestures lately just put me over. Now, everything else that was ever the least bit questionable seems to make sense. It scares me because he really does treat me better than anyone has. I also do wonder if he would have a need to be with men if he was bi. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I have no experience with this.

One other thing. He has tons of female friends who feel comfortable calling him for 'relationship advice.' He has only a few male friends, none of which live close.

How do I confront him about this, or, what is your opinion on his 'behaviors?'
Thank you for your time.

Okay, there's nothing really that positive here to indicate whether or not this man is into guys. [Read the post "Boyfriend with Secrets"  and you'll see the difference.] Your boyfriend acts campy at times, apparently thinks it's cute to imitate stereotypical homosexuals [the girly girl business], is interested in a greater variety of sexual acts than the men you've known before, but none of that means he's gay or bi. I admit most men -- especially straight men -- don't want to kiss someone who has just given them a blow job, but it's not positive proof of anything, although his licking his own semen is admittedly a little suspect. Surely you know that cooking skills, pierced earrings, and the other things you mention are not clues to gayness; there are as many straight guys who are into that stuff as there are gay men who aren't. And there are straight men who are into analism, even if it's not that prevalent.

In general when most men want to "come out" to someone they don't do it by acting all effeminate -- why would they? However, when you consider that he refers to gay men as "fags" and frequently refers to men as being gay or bisexual [in, I assume, a disparaging manner] that could indicate that he has a problem with gay men. It could be that he's hiding something or is a repressed homosexual, but it's also possible that he has some deep-rooted heterosexual insecurities; he's afraid people think he's gay.

By the way, according to the latest theories, truly bisexual men don't have to have sex with men. It's gay guys who have to have sex with men.

I suggest that you tell him of your concerns because you can't go forward with this guy when you have these doubts. Don't accuse him of anything -- just tell him you're curious and need him to be honest. In person is better than in a text or on the phone. You can lead off by telling him you have a gay or bi friend who is conflicted, and see his reaction. If you make your questions part of a general discussion he won't feel cornered.

Good luck!

Boyfriend with Secrets

Hi.....ok where do I start? Been with my boyfriend for 10 years....we have 2 children together. Recently I had been feeling like he was acting funny... distant. I thought he may be cheating with a woman, a man never crossed my mind at this point. So I put an app on his phone that would allow me to listen to his phone calls. I received a notification that he called a strange # I didn't know. I called it and a man answered....I hung up thinking phew he's not cheating. I listened to the phone call later in the evening and it was him calling this random guy using terms like glad u can host....asking him which positions he preferred....he was very explicit with his words. Told the guy he would love to meet up for sex.... that he was bisexual and he had a girlfriend (me) and he had to plan around me. I immediately confronted him. Told him I had him on record. He told me its not what I think and he was told by guys he works with if he called this guy and pretended to be gay when he got to his house there would be females there and he could pick one. He said he wanted one for a 3some for "us" -- a girl that is. So I called the guy and explained to him that I was his girlfriend and I heard the conversation between them. I told him what my boyfriend said about the guys at work giving him his number and asked him about these "girls" He apologized ,said he felt really bad and said he met him on an adult website and that there were no girls. He laughed actually and said that was completely untrue. When I confronted my boyfriend that I had spoken with him he got angry and denied being bisexual. I also told him he said he met him on an adult website he said a guy at work let him use his profile to talk to him so he could get "the girls".....I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. I know he's lying but my question to you is he is clearly caught red handed and still denies it, do I just accept this? He says I made it up. What scared me is in the conversation he said he had a 3 yr hook up and it was his first bareback experience.....he quoted it as "great....a whole 'nother ball game" and told this guy he doesn't even know that he'd like to have bareback sex with him and he said he's a bottom. That's scary with aids now a days. Why won't he just admit it???? I feel violated and deceived. I can't trust him. He did tell the guy on the phone that he is very discreet and "nobody knows and that's the way he likes it." Will he never admit this to me out of pride? Please help.....I just do not understand. :( 

What you've got here is a man who is attracted to other men -- and obviously acting upon those feelings -- and is deeply ashamed of it. There is often a disconnect between a man's true sexual orientation and how he identifies. [Some people have wrongly asserted that there are "straight" men who seek sex with other men, but unless we're dealing. on occasion, with victims of childhood sexual abuse, that's simply not true.] Your boyfriend probably doesn't think of himself as gay or bisexual because he has a girlfriend and children, is living a straight life [the one that's out in the open, at least], and sees himself as a man who can "pass" [as straight], not realizing that this is the case with most gay men -- most are not effeminate and flamboyant.

I obviously don't need to tell you that you can't believe anything your boyfriend is telling you, because you've already caught him in so many lies. Do you just accept this? Absolutely not. Guys like this often think they're not cheating if they're having sex with guys, but he is cheating, and lying about it besides. Why won't he admit it? In my experience guys like this usually tell the men they're involved with -- or at least having sex with -- that they like women [if for no other reason than to feel somehow superior or more macho] but they rarely if ever tell the women in their lives that they go with other men. Often these men are not truly bisexual in any case -- their behavior is bisexual [they go with both men and women] but they can't even allow themselves to admit that their preference may be men or that they are basically gay. They are full of self-loathing over their homosexual feelings.

Which brings us to the business with bare-backing, which is anal sex without a condom. This is risky behavior for a top, let alone a bottom, and again, it indicates a severe self-loathing, a lack of regard for himself, his sex partners and especially you.

This man needs therapy or counseling to help accept himself. You can not "accept" this situation if for no other reason than your own health is at risk, not to mention your emotional well-being. With the situation you've got now, it will be impossible to build upon a relationship with a man so obviously conflicted, dishonest, and apparently geared towards men if he's honest with himself. Insist that he be honest with you and discuss it in a non-judgmental way.

You have a right to be with a man who isn't keeping secrets from you. There have been women who let their gay or bisexual lovers have their little side flings from time to time, but count me among those who don't think that this arrangement, especially in this day and age, is fair to anyone -- especially when the man is into barebacking.

Boyfriend with Gay Past

Dear Bill
I'm a woman. My 33 year old boyfriend of 6 months recently admitted to me that when he was a preteen, him and 2 of his best friends would masturbate together, rub on each other, and give each other oral. This happened for over a year. He also just admitted that 2 years ago him and one of his friends went to a hotel, got drunk and blew each other. He claims his friend didn't *** in his mouth, i think he did. He also said his friend licked his but, but he didn't have any anal sex. He said he didn't like it and did it only cuz he was curious about trying it as an adult and it made him know for sure he is not gay. But is this true? Especially considering he was in homosexual relations for over a year as a kid?

We have good sex and He loves kissing me and going down on me and all. He does want anal but i said not until we're married. but he's super clingy, emotional, and insecure about our relationship and my faithfulness. But he's also super macho guy and kind of homophobic so this info caught me by surprise.

I'm trying to be supportive and believe him since he told me something he hadn't told anyone else. But should I worry? Him and his 2 childhood friends are still buddies. he said they don't ever talk about it but he thinks his friends do think about it sometimes. but he said his hotel friend stopped contacting him after a while. Seems like he still wanted contact. These are all men in straight relations now. 2 are married. I'm just worried he's still curious but would not admit it but might do something about it behind my back. What should I do and how can I know he's for sure straight? 

Well, to be blunt this guy doesn't sound totally straight. Some kids may "experiment" in a homoerotic fashion, but it's usually maybe one or two incidents, not over and over and over again. And his recently going to a hotel room with a guy for sex -- never mind how drunk he was -- is another red flag. His homophobia is an even bigger red flag.

To be honest, he sounds like a guy who definitely has homosexual leanings but is fighting them because he's ashamed, or because he thinks only stereotypically "swishy" guys can really be gay [not true; most gay men don't fit the stereotypes]. There are many homosexual men who are basically living straight lives with girlfriends, wives and children and who seek sex with men even as they try to deny their true nature to themselves and everyone else. He is at the very least bisexual, but the thing is that bisexual men are often bi in their activities [they have sex or relationships with both men and women] but in their heart of hearts their preference is often men. The trouble is that most of these guys just can't admit it to themselves.

Men like this are often clinging and possessive and insecure with the women in their lives, because they need these women to prove to themselves and others that they are essentially heterosexual. Sadly, this is generally not the case.

I would suggest a long, non-judgmental talk with your boyfriend, as I suspect there's a lot more going on [in his mind, if nowhere else] than he's telling you. He might need counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist.

Back in Action

I've been answering many questions via email during the past few weeks but not posting on the blog as often as I'd like, as I've been dealing with everything from power failures and hurricanes here in New York with the duties of being a caregiver -- not to mention wrapping up a new book. But please keep the questions coming, and I'll answer them -- generally in a blog post -- as quickly as possible. Thanks for reading!

Hacked or Lying?

Hi, I really need your advise. I went to go on my email account & my partners email account popped up and there were a few emails from gay websites. I sent an email to them saying i had forgot my password & got the password & went onto the site & there was a profile using his middle name & nickname, there was no photo, there was a little comment written that i wont repeat. I totally freaked out & went and showed him and asked him what was going on & he totally denied it & said someone else had done it & he knew nothing about it, he said he must have been hacked, I might have let it go even though i was completely suss, but a few weeks before this i saw in the history of our brand new lap top that someone had gone to the exact same gay matchmaking website, i just thought maybe it had been clicked on by mistake or something but then when i found the emails & the profile i new something wasn't right, he keeps saying he doesn't know how the history got onto the computer & that he didn't go on any site & that i should trust him & forget about it, but i cant! I don't know what to do, It's not possible for history to just appear in a computer?? and why would someone else make a profile for him?? i need some advise please 

Well, you're right that this web site wouldn't magically appear on a computer's history without someone  who's using the laptop having gone to that site. Unless there's some elaborate plot against your boyfriend, it's likely that he knows more than he's telling. [If someone wanted to create a fake account for him, they would probably have included a photo, assuming he has some posted on line, like on Facebook.] If he had come up with some explanation, however, bizarre, it would have been better than his complete denial. 

A "bi-curious" man is someone who is living a straight lifestyle who is secretly wondering if he might be gay, or at least bisexual. The problem for the women these guys get involved with is that it's hard for them [and even the guy] to know exactly what their preference is, and what straight woman wants to invest years in a relationship with a guy who may come totally out of the closet at any moment.

Your boyfriend may not necessarily think of himself as gay or bi just yet, so he clearly isn't ready to talk about it with you. Yet it's obviously something the two of you have to address at some point. If he's actively pursuing men at gay web sites, and even having sex with men, you need to know about it. [Some of these guys think it isn't cheating if their partners are male!] Closeted men looking for sex with other guys often don't post their photos on these web sites, but they can include photos in the site's private message system or in emails they send to the members. Now that he knows you're on to him, he's probably going to stay away from the site, so it will be harder to see exactly how he responds to messages from other members.

At some point you will have to sit him down in a non-judgmental way and ask him if he's struggling with his sexual identity. Be understanding and sympathetic, but firm. This affects your life as well as his. If he's gay [or a bi man whose preference is definitely men, which is the usual scenario], he needs to acknowledge it for both of your sakes so you can both move on and be happy. It's often hard for women in these situations to let go -- and they always have my sympathies -- but it's generally for the best.

The Guy That Got Away

Dr. Bill, I'm a man in my late forties and about a year ago I dated a man who was somewhat younger than me -- all right, a lot younger than me -- and he seemed to really be into me. Because of the age difference and because he was so attractive, I hung back a little and sort of let him do the pursuing. I guess I couldn't quite believe that he was really that interested in me or I was just afraid I would be seen as the desperate older man stalking the younger guy or something like that. In any case, I took my time responding to texts and phone messages and eventually I stopped hearing from him. I always hoped that we would run into each other again, but I checked out his facebook page and now he has a lover -- closer to his own age, of course. I'm happy for him , of course, but I'm left with the feeling that had I only not hung back, pursued him more ardently, I might be his lover today. I'm not even certain what I'm asking. I haven't checked out his facebook page since and I won't but I find myself thinking about him a lot. I wouldn't quite call what I feel heartache, but nonetheless it hurts. What do you think and what can I do to make this feeling of regret and loneliness go away? I don't think anyone like him will ever come my way again.

Get out of the house, join gay dating sites if you haven't already and follow up on interested parties, hit a bar that caters to men your age or mixed ages, call up some friends, have drinks or dinner and exchange war stories, commiserating over romantic misfires. Stay away from friends in happy relationships for awhile as they may only remind you of what you're missing. Have some hot consolation sex. Or hot chocolate if the former isn't available.

I have been in a similar situation, and you'll never know if the guy stopped calling you because you didn't pursue him enough, or because he just wasn't that into you when all is said and done, or if he, frankly, ultimately wanted a man in his own age group. You may never know, so forget it. Stay off his Facebook page -- you don't need to see photos of him and his lover enjoying happy domesticity. Or getting married! Believe me, you really don't need that torture.

You say that you don't think anyone like him will ever come your way again. First, you can't really know that for certain. Second, the next man you fall for [and who will hopefully fall for you] may not be as young and handsome as this guy, but he will still be "Mr. Right" if it turns out he's The Guy. You're certainly not too old to find a long-lasting relationship. [I mean I know men in their seventies who have fuck-buddies, sometimes much younger, or who have found soul-mates in their senior years -- you never know!]

Do not think of this guy as your last chance. There's always somebody interesting around the corner, you just gotta get out there and meet him. Take it from one who's been there: after awhile you won't even remember what this guy looked like [admittedly it might take a little longer than with other guys].

Good luck! 

Crush on Schoolmate

Hello Dr. Bill,

Recently I have come to like a straight guy in my Class (I am a Senior in High school and he is a junior). It has gotten awkward because I can't stand being around him due to the fact that I get Red-Faced. I don't have a long story about it, it's just I like him, and I have no clue what to do because he's Straight. I know the proper thing to do is "Get over it and move on" But it's kinda hard when I see him every day, with his heart-melting smile.

Many of us have been  in just this sort of situation, myself included, when you develop feelings for a classmate or co-worker or someone else you see all the time who is [presumably] straight. I've always said that the only way to deal with it is to focus your unrequited feelings on to someone who is more capable of returning them, another openly gay man. Throw yourself into the dating scene, meet lots of guys, and if you develop an infatuation at least it won't be so hopeless. Take my word for it that in time you will get over this guy. If there's any kind of formal or informal gay club in your high school or in your town for guys your age then join it, if you haven't done so already. Once you meet a guy you can date, hang out with, and who is also gay and may even turn into a boyfriend, this straight guy, no matter how attractive, will fade into the background. I know it isn't always easy to meet someone, but even a sympathetic gay friend you can talk to may help take the edge off. Good luck!

Skinnyfat: The Movie and Thoughts About Body Image

Skinnyfat is the name of a funny movie about two [somewhat stereotypical] gay men who hate their bodies and are determined to do something about it, going to bizarre lengths to look better, including wearing fake physique pads over their chests and trying various outre regimens and formulas. Davy (Evan Johnson) and Chaz (Jayson Jaynes) have a condition known as "skinnyfat" [I assume the term was invented for this movie] in which essentially thin people feel that they're "fat" (or might as well be) because they're soft in the middle, have no muscle tone, lack a hard, athletic body, and so on. The movie was written, produced and directed by Andy Bydalek.

For me the funny thing about Skinnyfat is that it comes to us at a time when many gay men are scratching their heads at what at least seems like the vast amount of chubby chasers and obese guys in our community. True, this is probably more of a phenomenon in the middle-aged bear community than among twenty-somethings or in piano bars [or among guys like Davy or Chazz, whom I know exist but whom I encounter not very often]. Without putting anyone down, I have to confess that I find nothing at all sexy about obesity [I often say "I don't like my own fat (which there's much less of these days, thank goodness) let alone anyone else's."] When did the bear community become the unhealthy fat community? It's reached the point where the dominant image of a bear is not just a big man, but a very obese man, when that sort of individual used to be called a "chubby bear." As an acquaintance of mine once put it none too tactfully "since when does 'bear' mean 'lard-butt?'"

Let me digress. One night at my local bar as I sat talking with/cruising an interested and interesting fellow, a portly acquaintance comes over to us, lifts up his shirt, thrusts his fat, highly unattractive belly into the other man's face, and shouts "This is what's hot!" [Neither I nor the other man were impressed.] Hot? Not.

On another occasion a bunch of overweight men at the same bar strip down to their big bellies and begin rubbing each other all over as if excessive avoirdupois were the new aphrodisiac! Not.

On an even funnier occasion, a man with a belly so big that I privately refer to him as "octobear" -- he looks as if he'll give birth to octuplets any minute -- has his belly patted by a slender fellow as if the latter is the proud papa and this mama bear is about to give birth to their little ones any minute. I have to ask, since when did looking pregnant become desirable or sexy?  Guys who look at if they're nine months pregnant used to be embarrassed by their appearance-- now they pull off their tee shirts and flaunt it, baby! How can a man look pregnant and masculine at the same time? [With great difficulty I imagine.]

However, the gay male community is very diverse, and I'm glad there's someone interested in every type. [Such as bald middle-aged men with goatees! And I don't want any nasty emails about how I'm being mean to big guys or how I wouldn't like it if someone put down bald men and so on; we can all take care of ourselves, baby.] But I do wish these big-bellied fellows would get over themselves and stop strutting around as if everybody thinks they're hot. I would sooner have root canal surgery without anesthetic than get it on with Octobear, but I'm sure because some people want to worship his belly and wallow in his fat he thinks he is God's Gift to Gay Men. I'm happy they have their admirers, but all these Blubber-pusses need to get over it!

As for Skinnyfat, without giving too much away, the two protagonists eventually wind up at -- you guessed it -- a bear party where they discover that being big and fat is not always a negative.

As for me, I've recently lost ten pounds and am proud of it, but I'm not going to strut around showing off my flat stomach -- what good would it do me in a chubby chasing crowd anyway? Still, I like non-chubby guys and some of them seem to like me. I am now officially an otter and not a bear, and considering what "bear" has become that's all right with me. Unfortunately, if I lose any more weight I'm afraid that I, too, will become "skinnyfat" and so far I've never heard of a skinnyfat bear [or otter]. Maybe I'll be the first.

 For more info on Skinnyfat check out skinnyfatmovie.com and/or their Facebook page:: (facebook.com/skinnyfatmovie).  The film can be rented on either site.

Straight Boyfriend with Anal Fetish?

I recently found out my ex bf has had his ex gf strap on a dildo and they did him from behind.. He wanted to tell me cuz we are trying to work things out. We did not brake up cuz of this situation...we broke up for different reasons.. He didn't want to tell me while were dating cuz he was scared I would judge him or brake up with him.. I asked him if he had been with men he said no, he said he does not find men attractive. He said he does not need it all the time but he likes it cuz it feels good. I'm not sure how to feel or what to do.. Any suggestion..

Thank you

I have met men with wives or girlfriends who have told me that the ladies in their lives strap on a dildo and penetrate them but these men identify as bisexual and may actually be gay. Sexuality can be confusing and complex, admittedly. All I can say is that many gay men do not like being anally penetrated ["tops"] so it seems odd that a straight man would. Your boyfriend sounds to me like a man who wants to have sex with men [a dildo is just a substitute for a penis] but doesn't see himself as gay or wants to be gay, probably due to what we call internalized homophobia -- his guilt and fear over his homosexual feelings. He could probably use some counseling to help him figure himself out and feel better about his homoerotic feelings. What started out as his girlfriend using a dildo may eventually turn into him seeking out male sex partners. Just to let you know.

Gay, Straight or Bi?

Hi Bill

I've been reading both your blogs recently, and would really interested to hear your opinion concerning my sexuality.

Hi, I'm going to answer you within the body of your email in bold like this. 

I am a guy in my mid-thirties, gay-identified and have been since I was a teenager. I first realized I was strongly attracted to men (both sexually and emotionally) when I was in my early teens. I have only ever had crushes on men, never on women.  I have not come out to my parents or any members of my family, though I've told almost all of my friends that I'm gay. I have two brothers, one of whom is gay and is out to both my parents. I feel a lot of shame and sadness about this, because I feel like it would be a double blow for my mother if I came out also (no grand kids, etc). Gay couples can adopt children so your parents can have grand kids.

I have always had an inferiority complex about my sexuality, never truly feeling like I'm a "real guy". I definitely feel inferior in social situations where I'm around 'manly' straight men, particularly sporty ones. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I feel proud and confident to be different, but quite often I give into feelings of inferiority. This is not unusual. Even today, society spreads the message that gay men are not really men. Even straight men can feel "inferior" if they aren't into [stereo]typical male pursuits, such as sports. The thing to remember is that the gay male community [not to mention the straight male community] is very diverse, and you are free to make your own choices based on what you like and don't like. If sports aren't your bag, who cares? Do what you enjoy. In any case, as we used to say in New York's Gay Activist Alliance -- the country's first militant [non-violent] gay rights group -- "99% of gay liberation is in the head."

When I was around 16 my parents started buying a right-wing newspaper which regularly featured negative articles on homosexuality. Perhaps I should have just stop reading it, but I was fascinated by what these journalists were saying; that homosexuality is a perversion, that it's a some kind of distortion of natural sexuality explained by the Freudian principle of over-attachment to the mother and envy of the father's penis or whatever, or that many gays are that way because they've been molested. [these are all out-dated and completely discredited theories that SCIENCE has proven incorrect.] 

 I felt angry at the hateful tone of the articles, but also vulnerable and afraid that maybe they were right, maybe my sexuality is just a sham. I started to question my upbringing "Maybe I was overly molly-coddled because I was the youngest?" "Did I have some trauma that provoked it?" "Was it down to feeling inferior to other kids at school?" and so on. I became desperately insecure, starting to feel like I was a freak. I felt so cruel, you know?, because at school I constantly heard guys make horrible remarks about fags and homos, and there was this national newspaper, written by adults, seemingly backing them up.All the latest research pretty much indicates that gay people are born that way. There is a wonderful organization called TRUTH WINS OUT that deals with the groups that spread the homophobic lies you're referring to. You might check out their website.

Then when I was 18, my closest gal pal, to whom I had recently come out, started an argument with me when we were out one night. She very forcefully argued that I couldn't possibly know I was gay because I hadn't had sex with a woman. Jeez, this is the hokey old argument: a man is only gay until he meets the right woman. It is not to be taken seriously. She said she she had worried that she might be a lesbian when she was younger, and that she had slept with a woman once and that it helped her realize she was heterosexual after all. If she actually had sex with a female she is at least bisexual and is kidding herself and you can tell her I said so. She kept angrily saying that heterosexual sex is the most beautiful, natural thing and totally superior to anything a man could do with a man or a woman could do with a woman (just to make it clear, she wasn't offering to sleep with me, just her opinion). Her attitude is entirely homophobic. [Perhaps fueled by her own homo-erotic feelings and her guilt over same.] There is absolutely no reason to think love between two men or two women is somehow inferior to love between a man and a woman. This is just religious-based prejudice.

I went home that night feeling crushed. Though I was angry at what she said, at the same time I was terrified she was right. What if my whole sexual identity was a total sham? I felt like a failure (and still do) because I was a heterosexual virgin. I started to look at images of straight sex on cable channels and found, to my horror, that some of the images turned me on. Even a particular image of a woman's breasts turned me on. I thought "My God! They were right after all!" I suddenly remembered a few times in my childhood when I was aroused looking at a woman's breasts in pictures, though these were far outnumbered by memories of very intense same-sex desires. I felt sick, like I was a total fraud, and fell into a deep depression that took months to recover from.Listen, being gay doesn't mean you find women repulsive, or can't sleep with women, or can't on occasion find a woman or breasts or what-have-you somehow sexy. As people used to say, "flesh is flesh." The whole thing has to do with preference. More on which in a moment.

Since then, In have only had sexual encounters with men, and still have no desire to pursue a sexual relationship with a woman; I just don't desire them sexually and romantically. But the old thoughts of "nothing is as good as straight sex", "women's bodies are built for pleasure, guys' aren't" still haunt me, and I still feel turned by thoughts or images of straight sex, particularly when the focus is on the guy instead of the woman, and I occasionally feel turned on by looking certain types of women's breasts, but never women themselves, like the whole person. Part of me thinks "this is crap! you're gay and just fetishizing 'normal' sex, you don't have to sleep with a woman if you don't want to!" I think you've hit the nail on the head here! while another part of me thinks "sleeping with a woman would "turn me", placing my penis inside a vagina would make realize I'm straight after all because the feeling would be so pleasurable, that a gay man who hasn't had sex with a woman doesn't have the right to call himself gay. That last thought really gnaws away at me.

Okay, I know a lot of gay men. Some of them have never slept with women because, like you, they honestly have no desire to. Others slept with women before they accepted their homosexuality, even got married and had children or went through a period when they thought -- hoped -- they were bi. Now they all identify as gay. The latter group may be glad they have children, but they also spent years if not decades with the wrong partner [wrong sex], hurt the women in their lives very badly when they finally came out, and wasted years being in the closet and having casual encounters instead of a full relationship. Surely that isn't what you want?

Also, sleeping with a woman does not turn a gay [ or legitimately bi] man straight. It just doesn't work that way. There are what we call "ex-gays" [again, see Truth Wins Out] who pair up with members of the opposite sex, have children, but in their heart of hearts they are still homosexual and generally lapse. They have NOT turned straight; all they've done is given in to society's negative attitudes. It all has to do with self-hatred instead of self-acceptance.  

What do you think Bill? This whole thing has really affected my self-esteem, and is ruining my ability to go out and find a nice man! I feel like a fraud, like gays are made not born (surely the times I got turned on by the breasts proves that?! not really ) that I don't have a right to a gay identity because one time with a woman would make me straight? Again, it just doesn't work that way, even if you have successful intercourse with a woman as many gay men have had.

I really don't want to have sex with a woman, the thought upsets me, but these thoughts keep coming back to me. If you don't want to sleep with a woman -- which could simply turn out to be a embarrassing, unfair situation for both you and the woman -- then don't. [Frankly, it's not that big a deal.] You've got to get over this whole notion that a man isn't really a man unless he's fucking women. It's out-dated and simply untrue. I mean, if it matters to you, I know a macho fighter pilot who had five children and then came out as gay, totally gay. And other gay men who never slept with women, yet distinguished themselves in such butch professions as firefighter and police officer. Having sex with women is not what makes a man a "man" and you have absolutely nothing to prove. I know that some essentially gay men pursue and sleep with women just to feel more manly, but all they're really doing is denying themselves, cruelly using the women in their lives, and being totally delusional about themselves as well.

Do you think I'm gay, bi or straight? And whatever I am, how can I boost my self-esteem and find peace? Would really value any advice you can offer.

Here it is: Based on everything you've told me, I would say you're definitely gay. Finding women's breasts aesthetically pleasing or even sexy in some way does not make you heterosexual or bi, not when you have no real sexual or romantic feelings for women but only for men. Sexuality can be very confusing and complicated. A man can be essentially gay and occasionally find women attractive without necessarily being bisexual, and even if he were, there is still the question of overwhelming preference. I would say your overwhelming preference is men. I believe you have been surrounded by homophobic attitudes and anti-gay "friends" with extremely negative opinions. You say your gay brother is Out, but is he also hung up about his homosexuality?

Stop hating yourself for being gay. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city get some counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly individual. 

As I have said for many years now IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY!

Woman, Boyfriend, and Gay Pal

Dear Gay "Dr. Bill",

I found your extremely interesting blog today and read through quite a few of the questions and your answers to them.  I am a 59 year old woman who has been going with a man 'Nick' for the last 4 years. He was very understanding and let me be me and have my space for the first few years and then became quite demanding and possessive, especially of my time. He started asking questions about what I was going to do that day, what I was doing at work, who I had seen and/or talked to the day before. My best friend is a gay man 'Mark' and Nick kept trying to break up our friendship. We went around and around about the demanding attitude Nick had and the need he had to see me break off contact with Mark. He said it hurt him that I did not take his feelings into account. It got so bad that I felt every time Mark and I talked or did anything with each other I had to keep it a secret, because if I was honest and told Nick about it he would get upset, angry and act hurt. This continued to the point where I felt I was being stalked because Nick would check up on where I was by driving around our small town trying to find my car! If he couldn't find it he would call or text and ask where I was. I started to feel that I had to look over my shoulder, because he was always checking up on me to see if I was seeing Mark. I broke off contact with him because of this behavior and told him I would not give up my best friend for him nor would I be controlled or intimidated. We were apart for about 2 months and then he wrote me a letter and said that he was seeing a psychiatrist and a psychologist and was dealing with his problems and had changed. I agreed to go for coffee with him and he met me with flowers. We spoke both on the phone and by email several times after that and had lunch together and went to a show. Things seemed to be good between us again and he continued to see the doctors and we even went to a couples therapist for a while. He was doing well as far as not asking about my job, what I had done that day and whether I had seen or talked to Mark for about 5 months. Now he has gone back to wanting to know if I have talked to Mark, if we have been out to lunch together or if I have gone to his house for coffee. I feel like I am going around and around on the same carousel over and over again and I don't know what to do. What is your take on this behavior? Is this a control thing, a homophobic thing? My heart wants to believe that Nick can change his way of feeling about Mark, but my gut tells me to run like hell. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated, or if you need to know more about this situation in order to get a better grasp of it let me know. Thank you!

The first thing that strikes me about this is that "Nick" is jealous of "Mark," but it's difficult to tell if it's because he's envious of the closeness the two of you share as friends, or if he's paranoid about the truth of your relationship with Mark; in other words, he may be afraid that Mark is really straight or bisexual and the two of you have or want more than a platonic relationship. If Mark is stereotypically gay -- that is a little "queeny," [not to put him down for that]  -- the latter possibility is fairly unlikely. If Mark is a more or less masculine guy, than Nick may be afraid he's not totally gay [people do tend to think in stereotypical terms]. If this is the problem, having you and Mark sit down with Nick and tell him that your relationship is, and always will be, platonic, could be a big help. But first of all ask Nick if that is what he's afraid of. [The stalking business and the need he has for you to break off with Mark does indicate a kind of pathological jealousy.]

Gay men and straight women can have very close friendships, and Nick may feel as if he's on the outside looking in, that you share more of your inner feelings and desires with Mark instead of him. He may fear you are simply closer to Mark than you are to him. There's also the possibility that Nick may think, rightly or wrongly, that Mark doesn't like him, doesn't approve of him, thinks you could do better, or has some negative opinion of him for one reason or another. While it's rare, some gay men have negative attitudes toward straight guys [sometimes because they perceive the straight guy as being disapproving of them; sometimes not]. Nick may fear that when you and Nick are alone, the two of you are putting him down.

Then there's the simple possibility that Nick just doesn't like Mark because he's gay. Did Nick make any negative remarks about gay people before he found out your best friend was gay? Something about Mark may make Nick nervous; he could be dealing with sexual identity issues of his own [not to necessarily say that he is gay or closeted].

You might bring this all up with Nick and see what kind of reaction you get. If the two of you can have a meaningful dialogue and come to some understanding, so much the better. If he can accept that Mark is a good friend and will always be a part of your life, all three of you will be much happier. If you just can't get through to him, if he over-reacts or rages, then he is dealing with issues that you probably don't need to deal with.

If you have any follow up questions, don't hesitate to contact me.

Help for Gay Seniors and Caregivers

I have a gay uncle who is in his seventies and whose partner died some years ago. I am also gay and have become his part-time caregiver. Do you know of any organization that provides help, advice and resources for seniors and caregivers in the LGBT community? Many thanks.

Yes, SAGE [originally Senior Action in a Gay Environment] provides help for LGBT seniors and their caregivers. Their website can be found here.  I am a caregiver for an elderly gay man myself and will be reporting more on SAGE as I explore their services and resources in the next few weeks.

Boyfriend with Secrets

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years, we recently had a baby girl in November. We have plans to get married and he seems excited about it, we even got the ring together. But I had snooped on his computer and found that he had been watching tranny porn, and found a video in his trash can of him masturbating. Furious, I texted him all upset and he left work to talk to me. He said he was just super stressed and it wasn't anything. He even told me that he joined a gay dating site back in February. But he deleted it after I found out about the porn. So even more curious I looked in his email and found a email between him and some guy talking dirty to each other and exchanging numbers. He felt like crap after I confronted him about it and said if I left he wouldn't have a reason to live and that he'd want to die. But every time I ask why he made a profile for a gay dating site he just says he doesn't want to talk about it. He told me he always liked watching tranny porn because it's like a girl being in control. But I don't understand. Is he hiding something? He won't open up anymore but I don't want to waste my time if he is gay. It's not fair to me. He even said he's not attracted to men at all. What is your opinion? What do I do?

Well, he's definitely hiding something. He refuses to talk about something which is of obvious concern to you -- his joining a gay dating site, among other things -- and the erotic emails with another guy are another red flag. A guy can have fetishes, and a man can be attracted to transsexual women -- who are, after all, women, regardless of the biological state they were born in -- without being gay, but often an attraction to trans women ["tranny" is no longer considered an acceptable term], many of whom still have a penis, and especially transvestites/drag queens, is a cover-up for an attraction to men. It sounds as if your boyfriend is in a very confused state of mind and could use some counseling. Men don't join gay dating sites or send sexy emails to guys because they're "stressed out." It sounds like he has an attraction to men that he is ashamed of and fighting, but if he thinks a heterosexual marriage will change him he's being delusional. Many guys in this position are scared to death of their feelings and cling to women as a lifesaver, at the very least hoping a marriage will lend them a heterosexual facade. [His threatening suicide is probably his way of expressing panic over the possibility of being outed, or of definitely being gay.] But you're right that this isn't fair to you -- or to him.

Tell him that the two of you have really got to have a talk. Don't be judgmental. If he wants to jerk off over certain fetishes it isn't the end of the world. If he's gay, it's a lot more problematic. Be cautious if he suggests that he's bisexual, as this can often be a convenient term and a cop-out. In any case, if his preference is men then he will eventually feel quite stifled in a marriage.

This is a difficult situation which requires patience, a lot of honesty, understanding and conversation. If there is a gay or LGBT center in your city, it might be a good idea for him to drop in and discuss his feelings and various issues with a sympathetic and knowledgeable counselor.

Casual versus Anonymous

I came across a post where you answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? 

Absolutely true. Casual sex is a one night stand, a bar pick-up, or it can refer to sleeping with a person you are acquainted with, maybe even friends with [a fuck buddy, or as straight people say "friends with benefits"], but aren't in love with. There's no romance, no angst, no jealousy, none of the tortured, joyous emotions of a full-fledged love affair. Just good, clean sex.

Anonymous sex, on the other hand, is where you not only never get to know the person with whom you are having sex, you may not even get to see what they look like, and there's definitely little, if any, conversation. This is --in my opinion -- old-fashioned sex, more prevalent in the days before Stonewall, where gay men would meet anonymously in dark parks, men's rooms ["tea rooms"], movie theaters, and other trysting places where there was not only no wining and dining or cruising before sex, there was no anything -- the two would just get right at it for instant gratification.

Before AIDS, there were many darkened back room bars where anonymous sex would go on. Men would follow a guy they saw and liked in the [brighter] front room of the bar and hope that if they hooked up with him in the back room they were getting the right guy! But with all those bodies, and shadows, who knows?

Frankly, in my opinion, sex is a much more satisfying experience in a bed and after getting to know someone even a little bit. Still there are people -- gay and straight -- who like the no-frills action and slight edge of danger to anonymous, often public sexual encounters.

Crossdressing boyfriend

I was with my boyfriend for a year when I began suspecting him of cheating when I found women's clothing that was mine. Long story short, I found out through extensive Internet searching that he owned a porn site where he is the main attraction as a cross-dresser and people pay to watch him have sex dressed up in MY underwear and dresses in my home. I had no idea and was shocked. I found out next that he was advertising himself as a hooker who cross-dresses and caters to men for $200. After I moved out and confronted him he said he wasn't gay and was just interested in making money. The thing is, he has his masters degree and he lives off his rich parents. He had the gall to tell me that the fact that my daughter who is disabled stresses him out caused him to snap and "indulge in selfishness". He had the website for a year before I met him and admitted to paying very passable pre op transsexual hookers for sex up to three years before we met. He tried to explain since he had sex with them while he was dressed as a man and they looked like beautiful women it was not "gay sex". Furthermore he said when he was prostituting dressed as a woman having sex with men that also did not constitute "gay sex". In the past two months since I've left he has been actively trying to get back together with me saying all that was a phase and he was over it. I then found out he got arrested 30 min. after we got off the phone for prostitution by Vegas vice. He was still doing it! And now he's a " changed man" and is livid that I won't accept he's straight and move back in with him. I am heartbroken, and confused. But I also know I can't get back with him obviously. What I want to know is if he has a severe disorder, if he's delusional, and why he is adamantly denying being gay and is he typical of "closeted men"?
 
Also his particular obsession in dressing was thigh high boots which was consistent through out. I am so confused why he'd pursue a serious relationship with me when he was doing all of these secret activities? Should I try to help him....? Forget he existed?? Help. 

My advice is to probably forget he existed, and not because of his extra-curricular sexual activity, but because he's involved in criminal activity, is a liar, used your home and clothing for porn activities without your knowledge or permission -- the yuck  factor goes on and on. I'm a pretty open-minded guy but this character sounds pretty unsavory in many ways and, yes, delusional. 

Now on to other specific points:

Cross-dressing men can be and often are heterosexual. [Most gay men have absolutely no interest in cross-dressing.] However, the fact that he's advertising for sex with men [and whether for pay or not for pay is irrelevant] is an altogether different matter. Also, most pre-op transsexual men still have penises, and I doubt if a 100% straight guy wants to have sex with a "lady" with a dick. [Let me make it clear that I believe post-op trans-women are definitely female -- and perhaps even before the surgery -- but most genuinely straight men would be turned off by the male genitalia and other biological factors.]

So this guy can argue that he wasn't indulging in standard male-male sex and therefore it wasn't gay, but it was decidedly "queer" [queer now being another acceptable term for the LGBT -- or Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender community]. And I find it hard to believe that a man who has no attraction for men would want to have male sex partners even when he's dressed up as a woman. At the very least, he's bisexual [which doesn't mean his preference  can't be men, making him essentially gay] and he is being disingenuous, or, as I said, delusional. It's also possible that he's transsexual himself, which can be very confusing for someone who hasn't yet accepted or acknowledged it, and he may honestly be confused as to his basic orientation as well.

While it's perfectly okay for you and others to be compassionate for and understanding of his confusion and "kinks," it does sound like he has a lot to work out in his own mind before he's ready for a relationship, and it may be that it would be more natural for him to be with a man. He's typical  of closeted men in his denial of obvious homoerotic acts with other men, although the porn web site and cross dressing is not so typical.

In conclusion, let me just say this guy has a lot of issues -- and not just the sexual ones -- and it doesn't make you a bad or bigoted person if you don't want to deal with them. Relationships are tough enough without adding quite so much drama.  

"Bi" Boyfriend or Closet Case?

I am a 33-year-old gay man and I am currently dating a man of the same age who identifies as bisexual. He is attractive, and I enjoy our sex life, but I have worries. When we go out to dinner, he will frequently flirt with the waitress or other women in a way encouraged to make them think he is available, even though he is sitting with me. He will not act romantic until we get to a gay bar. Of course, I wouldn't like it if he flirted with other men either but I notice he never seems to do this, just women. I find it distinctly uncomfortable and wonder if he is capable of sustaining a relationship with another male. 

To be blunt, probably not. I won't even get into whether or not this guy is actually bisexual or what his preference is, but it definitely sounds like he is dealing -- and not at all well-- with internalized homophobia. I will just say that a lot of men who are embarrassed to be gay/bi and full of shame need to have women in their lives even if only as a beard or front. They have to exude some kind of heterosexual persona even when they're out with another man. The fact that he flirts with women but never men indicates that he is uncomfortable being out in public with a man except when he is in an all-gay environment like a gay bar. I have no doubt that he is the kind of "bisexual" who tells gay men he likes women but never tells the women whom he gets involved with, if any, that he also digs guys.

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned that is not being bisexual, it is being a closet case.

Your friend needs some counseling and a good dose of gay pride, but you have to accept that for one reason or another he may never feel comfortable in his own skin. Just the very idea of his hitting on women when he's on a date with you is rude and insulting and a little outrageous. And desperate. Like he's trying to prove something to himself.

My advice. Fuck 'im and forget 'im!

One for the Ages

I am a gay middle-aged man who is constantly being asked by bar patrons how old I am. In my opinion, it's nobody's business. I am told by close friends that I look much younger than my years, and that's just fine with me. I would like to be upfront with people, but then there's all the age discrimination I would have to deal with. How do you feel about this?

I completely agree that a person's age is their business and it's kind of rude to ask. It's like asking someone what their income is or if they dye their hair or other personal questions. Some guys will ask you your age not for any obnoxious reason, but because they like you and are probably hoping you're not too young for them. It may be just part of being conversational. Then, unfortunately, we have the assholes who are hoping you are older so they can condescend to you. Fuck them.

In a more perfect world everyone could be totally honest about their age, but in a youth-obsessed society [both gay and straight] that isn't always an option. If you look younger than your years, that's great. Even if you didn't, there are always guys who don't care how old you are, not to mention younger men who like older guys. 

I would suggest shaving a few years off if you can get away with it, but not decades. I'm sure we've all encountered middle-aged or even senior guys who try to pretend they're part of the younger generation -- and talk to you as if you're "an older man" -- when everyone knows they've been around almost [or at least] as long as you have. We put up with it until they start making nasty age-discriminatory remarks, then it's time to put them in their place and remind them how long you've known them. Otherwise, I let people say whatever the hell they want to about their age.

Dumped After Sex?

Hello dr. Bill, I am a gay guy living in Nigeria, here in Africa. I was online few days ago and I [came across your web site]. The problem I am having is confusing. I don't search for boy friends but they come my way and each time they want to have sex with me, I refuse --  because I have this feeling that that if the guy has sex with me, he is gonna dump me and I will be worthless after the action. It is like an ego in me,and I begin to feel like I can't be defiled, though I wanna have sex with them but when [the opportunity] comes, I starve myself of it again.  I don't know why that is happening. Thank you very much Dr. Bill, will love a reply soon.

This is a very common problem. You are afraid that if you have a sexual encounter with someone, that person will not want to see you again. [They're called "one night  stands" for a reason.] It sounds as if you're just not into casual sex, that you prefer to have erotic encounters with someone you have some kind of relationship with. Since you don't seem to have a problem attracting men, I suggest that the next time someone comes on to you, tell them you are not into casual sex, that you prefer to get to know someone a bit before jumping into bed with them. Obviously someone looking for a quick hook-up will move on, but other guys who like you may agree to go out on a date or a few dates before sleeping with you. No one can guarantee that this will lead to a lasting relationship, but at least you will feel some emotional connection to the man you are having sex with. 

Remember, that having casual sex with someone does not mean you are being "defiled." If you use condoms, stick to safe sex, you can still have a good time with someone you are not in love with. It's your choice. 

You may find that there are other guys who feel as you do, who are willing to go out on dates with you, have coffee or a drink, and forgo the sex until some time later. 

Good luck!

Gay Man and Straight Friend

Hi Dr Bill,

I think I may have fallen in love with a straight male work colleague who I have been socialising with for the past couple of years.  We go out for beers and sometime ago started to also take cocaine, stupid I know so I stopped taking it, however, he continued.  Anyway, he has a long term girlfriend and doesn't think twice about cheating on her, I am there for him constantly and listen to all of his problems, he thinks he has mental health issues and often talks jokingly of suicide, not a joking matter I know.  We are both mid 30's by the way, so not kids.  I am openly gay and have a mixed social life outside of work.

When I see him my heart melts, when I see him with a woman I feel as if my heart is breaking.  If we are out and he does meet a woman, it's as if I am not there. However, the next day he will e-mail or text and say how low he feels.  If I am not with him he will often text and say how much he misses me, he recently said in a text that he loved me.  If I mention other men and dates he will not acknowledge the conversation, often making just a snide comment.   

I recently had an altercation with another friend we drink with, drink-fueled stupidity which resulted in me finishing my drink and going home, informing them that I wouldn't be socializing with them again.  Later that evening I received the 'Love you' text, followed by a string of abuse aimed at the other friend.  I have to point out that he will often slag off other friends, so I am guessing I would be no exception.

After the 'Love you' text I didn't contact him for a week, I wasn't invited for drinks and now I feel completely isolated and lost.  Although the person I had the altercation with speaks to me like nothing happened (no drink invitations though), the fella I think I have fallen for had not contacted me at all, he knows I hate the silent treatment.  I contacted him with a 'How are you' kind of text, his response included 'Need a break from constant health abuse', I interpreted this as a break from me, possibly my mind working overtime!

I feel completely broken, I thought we were good friends and had a connection, he is now on my mind constantly, hence me wondering if this is some kind of stupid infatuation.

I cannot help but wonder if I have been used as his emotional punch bag.  How do I get over this, why is it bothering me to this extent, I can't eat and am sleeping very badly.  Should it bother me so much that he may or may not have bad mouthed me to others? Should I say anything, I don't want any confrontation at work as it's a professional environment.  I feel totally gutted!

Thanks for listening

Cheers.

It is never easy to have strong feelings for someone while you're still trying to figure out if they're gay or straight or struggling with their own sexuality. People in this situation tend to clutch at anything they can to give them hope. Your friend's dismissal of your comments when you talk about your gay dating experiences could indicate that he has sexual identity issues, but it's just as likely that he's uncomfortable talking about your being gay in certain environments [I take it you're not going to gay bars with him]. It could also indicate that he is a little self-absorbed -- he only wants to talk about himself and his own problems.

Even if he hasn't figured out that you have such deep feelings for him, he probably senses that you care and he knows that you are willing to listen. The trouble is, as you get deeper and deeper in love with him, worrying about him, you are perfectly right in worrying that he is simply "using" you as an emotional crying towel. Once he finds someone else to listen -- someone he doesn't fear has feelings for him which he can't return -- he''ll just move on, which he may already have done. Of course, I am basing this on your suggestion that he seems to "whine" to you about many different things.  

Whatever the true story of his sexuality -- and you realize this man may be genuinely and totally hetero -- it is never easy to be in love with someone who can only offer you friendship, regardless of their orientation. You were heading towards a bad place anyway you slice it -- who wants to be in love or even just infatuated with someone who can't return it? You feel as badly as you do, isolated and lost, because of how much you want to be with this guy on both an emotional and physical level, but it just may not be possible. 

My advice, as difficult as it may be to take, is to think of what seems like a very negative event in your life as a positive. Chance are that you had no real future with this guy, that you were only risking getting very badly hurt, wasting your time pining for him when there are plenty of nice gay guys out there who would be much more suitable partners. I recognize that you are also mourning the loss of a friendship, but as I've said it's very sticky to be friends with someone you have unrequited feelings for.

[As a good friend of mine once put it in a novel: "When one wants friendship, and the other wants love, 'friendship' is the coldest word in the English language."]

Believe it or not you can get over this guy [of course it will be more difficult than usual because you work together]. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new, so get out there and have some adventures! You may find that you can once again be friends with this guy once you've gotten past the unrequited feelings you have for him. 

Think positively -- there's a better guy out there for you, and hopefully you'll have a lot of fun finding him!

Good luck!

"No Fats, No Femmes"

I was in a couple of gay bars the other night and saw a few guys flocking around these obese, effeminate men as if they were hot porn stars. Whatever happened to "no fats, no femmes" that you used to see -- have gay standards changed so much that a swishy guy who avoids the gym and takes absolutely no care of himself has suddenly become a sex symbol? I just don't get it.

You're not alone. But remember -- there's no accounting for taste except that everyone has his own "type." There have always been "chubby chasers" in the gay community and if there seem to be more of them than ever, it may be because the guys they like are feeling freer to go out and cruise now that there are places, such as bear bars, where they can feel comfortable and meet people who like them. Obese men used to avoid the typical gay bar or "meat market" because they feared no one would be interested, but the more accepting bear community -- where you can be older, fatter, balder, and not handsome and still find your share of admirers -- has changed the equation; you won't often find "big" guys cruising in "regular" gay bars.

The strange thing is that most "big and fat" guys tend to be admired because of their masculinity. Feminine chubby guys are even more of an acquired taste. There are men who don't focus on the total package, but simply have a fat fetish -- therefore it doesn't matter if the guy is masculine or not, or what he looks like as long as he has lots of excessive avoirdupois!

On one hand, it's good that all kinds of men who don't fit neatly into conventional standards of handsomeness can still have fun and feel attractive. On the other hand, as I've said before, there's a danger in making obese men, especially morbidly obese men, sex symbols. I'm well aware that the bear lifestyle has its good points, but perhaps in its gleeful disregard of taking care of yourself, it isn't doing a lot of gay guys much of a favor.

Anal Issues

I had anal sex with a very well endowed man. Ever since then I have had constant anal pain. It hurts to sit down, once I'm sitting and situated the pain subsides until I move or try to get up. My first BM had blood in the stool and I had have had a constant feeling if having to go #2. I notice that when I wipe there is spots of blood (still). When I went to bed Saturday night I woke up sore and achy with a headache. Also sometimes when I go to urinate I am forced to sit down because I have to BM which is excruciatingly painful. As a seasoned 'bottom' I have never had this before... Should I go to the doctor (I don't have insurance). I'm scared...

I would wait a couple of days and if the bleeding and pain continues you should see a doctor. Do you have hemorrhoids? Anal sex could make them bleed, creating pain, blood in the stool, and often a feeling that you got to do # 2. It may be nothing more serious than that -- they can be pretty painful --  but if it doesn't clear up you should have it checked out. If you think it is hemorrhoids, also known as piles, you can get a cream for it at the drug store. If you do decide to see a doctor, there are low-cost clinics you can go to. If you're in New York, a place called Callen Lorde Community center services the LGBT community, including uninsured, on a sliding scale and there may be similar places in your town if you're in another city. Or you can call a gay center and ask for referrals. Try not to be scared, it may be nothing, but DO check it out if it continues more than a week to ten days, especially if it gets worse or is really painful. 

Should add that the "worse case" scenario could be an anal fissure or tear, which can be caused by anal sex and other reasons. However, in most cases this self-heals within two weeks. Again, hemorrhoid cream can be helpful. So definitely see a doctor if this doesn't clear up in two weeks. Don't worry -- surgery is only required in the most extreme cases, which I doubt you have -- and there are simple ways of healing it without surgery. But in all likelihood it should clear up on its own. And I probably don't need to add -- no anal sex until it does! Bill   

Can a Boyfriend be Too Gay-Friendly?

It was very hard for me to write this, but i am going crazy and i need your opinion. First i have to start by telling you that i was raised in Mexico, in a very catholic, homophobic and conservative family. When i moved to the us i became an advocate for gay rights and gay marriage. i think it is a matter of being human regardless of your preferences; my best friend is gay and i do not consider myself  homophobic. I always dream of a man who would not be a patriarchal macho [type] and i found him. He is American. He comes from a super liberal family -his grandparents and parents are pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage etc- Although, i think i am very open minded this is still a shock to me; I could never dream of my grandparents being pro gay marriage. 


Long story short, my boyfriend is very liberal. He moved to another city and he has a gay roommate. I went to visit him not that long ago and his roommate mentioned that he'd like to date my boyfriend and he wants to marry him. When we walked around the city my boyfriend would point out at every gay-friendly place.  A long time ago, i told him that one of my girlfriends hooked up with a girl when she had a boyfriend, I remember  he told me that cheating is not cheating if is with the same sex, i told him that i disagree. For me cheating is cheating period. (it's about the violation of the trust) One time he visited me and we were mentioning that one of my housemates was gay, he said "there is nothing wrong with being bi curious;" i was too shocked and did not say anything.

I know two of his best friends are gay. One time at a party he was so drunk and him and his friend starting joking about my boyfriend eating this other guy's "c*m." i told him this bugged me and he just said that it was the way he got along with him. He is too comfortable being around gay men. I know this sounds horrible on my part. I intellectually understand, but emotionally i am dying. We have been dating for more than a year and he asked me to move in. I love him. I talked to my best friend about this and he as a gay man told me that my boyfriend -due to his family history- was in the perfect environment to come out since his  family is so supportive, loving, caring and open minded. His parent's best friends are a gay couple.  His parents and him  together watch shows like Will and Grace.

Now, he is not the macho type i am used to dating; he is sweet caring and loving, but this situation makes me so uncomfortable, i know he's gone to gay bars with his friends and his roommate often refers to him as his date. It makes me so jealous. Please help me, should i confront this? I love him so much i want him to be happy and he knows it.

best

anonymous.


Well, first of all, since you're so uncomfortable with this situation you have to eventually confront your boyfriend over what's going on in your mind. It's obvious that you're afraid he's attracted to men, and frankly, it sounds like he probably is.


Now understand that neither I nor anyone else can be certain of your boyfriend's sexuality without knowing him [and not even then] but I confess that one thing certainly jumped out at me, and that was this business that it really isn't cheating if your bed mate is of the same sex. This sounds as if your boyfriend could be setting you up for a situation in which you may be his main girlfriend [or even "beard'] while he has sex with guys on the side. 


So let's say that your boyfriend is at the very least bisexual [and keep in mind that the label "bisexual" is often a cop-out and inaccurate]. Being bisexual does not mean that a person has to have sex with both men and women, so even if he's bi and his preference is women [a big if] it is still cheating if he has sex with men. And why would you want a boyfriend who cheats on you with either sex?


There are other things to consider, however. Since you admit that most of your previous boyfriends were of the macho meat-head persuasion, you may find it hard to believe that a man can be sensitive, gentle, respectful of women etc. and be genuinely heterosexual, but such guys do exist. [Just as there are, sadly, macho meat-heads in the gay male community.] The fact that, unlike you, he grew up up in a liberal household may explain why he is comfortable with gay men.


So he could be a secure, open-minded straight guy who has no problem being friends with gay guys [good for him!] -- hence the joking around with his roommate that you find a little crass and disturbing -- or he could be a man who's wrestling with his sexuality or is keeping the full truth from you. One strange thing I've observed over the years is that people can be very open-minded on the subject of homosexuality when it comes to other people, but just the opposite when it comes to themselves or members of their family. [Which is why some parents who support gay rights nevertheless send junior to a psychiatrist if he tells them he likes guys and some gay-friendly guys have such trouble coming out themselves]. Also, men who consider themselves bi tend to tell gay men they like women but generally don't tell their wives and girlfriends that they like men. And while it's true that there's nothing necessarily wrong in being "bi-curious," there's a difference in being curious and having actual same-sex bed partners. 


So, you'll just have to sit your boyfriend down, explain what's bugging you, and ask him to be completely honest with you about his sexuality. If it turns out he's attracted to men, it doesn't make you homophobic if you're uncomfortable with that [especially if he thinks his having sex with men wouldn't be cheating!!!] and want to move on.

Lastly, if it turns out he is bi or gay, I must say I respect and admire any woman who can love a man enough to let him be happy with someone else.

Watch Out for "Ricochet Ronnie"

I met this very nice guy who had just ended a relationship of several years. I found him very attractive and he seemed to feel the same. He constantly sent me emails and text messages, telling me how much he liked me, how he couldn't wait to get together, how terrific I was, and I followed suit, although I may have been a little more reticent as we had just met and I didn't want to appear too anxious; he was also a bit younger than me. The last time we saw each other everything went great, he texted again that he wanted to do all sorts of things in the future -- and I never heard from him again. I know he's alive but he doesn't respond to emails or anything else. I still can't figure out what happened. Can you give me any insight as to why guys just disappear without a word? He talked all the time about how awful the ex-lover was so I don't think he went back to him. Thank you. 


My guess is that you had the misfortune of running into a Ricochet or Rebound Ronnie as I and many other fellows have. Those are guys who have been in long-term relationships that have ended for one reason or another. They used to do everything with the lover, but now the lover is gone and they find themselves alone. Often these guys cling to someone who is amiable, willing to listen to them sound off about the ex [and it sounds as if you were], and enjoys spending time with them, doing things they can no longer do with the lover. The trouble is, these guys often just need time to acclimate themselves to being single again, being out in the dating pool -- in a sense you were holding his hand until he felt able to go out cruising and circulating on his own. It's not that he didn't like you, but that the relationship he ended was so awful that he just isn't ready for another one yet. The hard part is that during that initial phase the "clinginess" manifests itself as many calls and texts and so on as he anxiously makes it clear that he wants to spend time with you -- until he panics because you're getting too close. In other words, these guys lead you on [innocently, in most cases] and then drop you when they no longer need you. Possibly he met somebody he likes better; possibly he just wants to play the field. Some guys just don't know how to break up with somebody; in not wanting to hurt you, he hurts you even more.

However, there is really no excuse for someone not giving you a little closure. His abruptly ending things without even attempting an explanation [I mean, how difficult is it to send a fucking e-mail if you're embarrassed to do it face to face?] or returning your concerned and confused messages tells you -- as does all those texts -- that he isn't very mature, responsible, or even -- when all is said and done -- kind. I mean, we're talking about a man you knew and dated, not a disembodied photo on a dating sight. In other words, you dodged a bullet, so get on with your life, forget him, and meet somebody -- hopefully someone not on the rebound -- who will treat you with a little more class.