Low Market Value

Hello Dr. Bill,

Good wishes to you.

To start off with, I am 23 years old. I am bisexual and for 5 months I am into a relationship with a 54 year old man. We connected on dating site. He is married, lives with his family. First, I love my man a lot. Not just because of his looks but because of his good human nature.This is my first serious relationship with any mature man; previously I had one night stand with few oldies. My man also had and still has relationships with his young friends (all are older than me).

Past 5 months has been really good with few ups and downs between us. To be frank I am fond of him, there was a time when he was the epicenter of all the thoughts in my mind. I love him a lot, always miss him. I call him everyday in the morning to hear his voice. When we started dating each other, he was very enthusiastic and kept on flirting with me, kept messaging me after every two hours and we have indulged in each other physically multiple times in the last 5 months.

But gradually I felt that his intensity in me has been decreasing. Now his messages are confined just from Good Morning to Good Night.  He rarely calls me. I had confessed this to him about reduction in intensity, to which he explained that the intensity is bound to change but his love for me will never change. To an extent I do agree that yes we have to act as per the situation around us and intensity will keep changing.

Another thing is that he is habitually seeking other young guys on dating sites, which is not an issue for me but I feel that this is one of the reasons where his intensity for why our relation has been reduced. Another issue is his ex. My man has just come out from break up with his ex. He keeps telling me that I have many similarities that his ex and myself possess. Sometimes I feel that he is using me to overcome his feelings for his ex and keeps missing him. I don’t the have guts to express this to my man.

The other issue I am facing is I am scared of losing him !! I feel I am in a situation where I am not able to express my feelings to my man or something is pulling me back from expressing myself to him. He knows I am very emotional for him and also understands me because of his experience. I keep on thinking about him all the time but now it is affecting me because I feel he doesn’t reciprocate my feelings.

Yes he loves me too and he also has feelings for me. But I am getting that sensation that he wants to depart from me and I am not getting that sense of belonging to him. I don't want to lose him, he is a really good human being and knows me really well, but I am feeling helpless right now. I cannot meet him for one month as we both are keeping busy work schedules and he has family functions which he can’t avoid.

Kindly advise me how should I proceed further? I am really confused and scared and feeling helpless.

Thank you in advance.

Okay, I'm going to be painfully blunt with you. You are in your early twenties. The man you are involved with is thirty years older, has a wife and children, a male ex on top of it, and looks for sex with other men on the Internet. You have to understand that there is no way I can at this time recommend this man to you as a serious partner, if that is what you are hoping for. Even if I could get past the age difference, there are so many other issues ...!

For one thing, he is in a relationship, however real or phony it may be. You've heard the old saying, "they never leave their wives." Well, in most cases they don't. This guy at least thinks he has the best of both worlds -- he has the wife and kids to show off to the world and continually cheats on his wife with much, much younger men.  Possibly he keeps all of you on a string so he can get as much sex as he can. I hate to say it, but guys like this generally not only cheat on their wives but cheat on the men they see on the side, no matter what they tell you. 

On occasion you may meet an older man who is anxious to come out, falls for a younger guy, and may want to break up with the wife and live with the man he's fallen for, but do you honestly see that happening with this guy? Especially as he has all these "family functions" he is devoted to. More than once you describe this guy as a "good human being." Let's see -- he cheats on his wife on a regular basis; continually uses young men who fall for him for sex..., Frankly, I see him as having very low market value.

I suspect that, if you are bisexual, you lean far to the gay side. What you deserve is a man, closer to your own age, that you can have a long-time committed relationship with. You are still very young, so it may be much too early to think of committing to anyone, but I do remember how attached young guys can get to the closeted older men who may have romantic feelings for them but are chiefly interested in sex.

In other words, you can do better. It's okay if you are attracted to older men -- although the mid-fifties is a bit too old for you, in my opinion -- but at least it should be a guy who is not married with a family.  There's a reason why this guy has an ex-boyfriend. Probably because the ex realized he had no future with this guy and that he would never leave his wife. This married man chose to lead a supposed "straight" life but now wants to have his cake and eat it too, and in the long run I don't think he gives a damn about his wife, his ex, or you.

I realize what I'm telling you may be very painful, but at your age you can and will meet someone more appropriate for you. Most young gay/bi men do run into guys like this, but the good news is we do get over them!

The Guy That Got Away

Dr. Bill, I'm a man in my late forties and about a year ago I dated a man who was somewhat younger than me -- all right, a lot younger than me -- and he seemed to really be into me. Because of the age difference and because he was so attractive, I hung back a little and sort of let him do the pursuing. I guess I couldn't quite believe that he was really that interested in me or I was just afraid I would be seen as the desperate older man stalking the younger guy or something like that. In any case, I took my time responding to texts and phone messages and eventually I stopped hearing from him. I always hoped that we would run into each other again, but I checked out his facebook page and now he has a lover -- closer to his own age, of course. I'm happy for him , of course, but I'm left with the feeling that had I only not hung back, pursued him more ardently, I might be his lover today. I'm not even certain what I'm asking. I haven't checked out his facebook page since and I won't but I find myself thinking about him a lot. I wouldn't quite call what I feel heartache, but nonetheless it hurts. What do you think and what can I do to make this feeling of regret and loneliness go away? I don't think anyone like him will ever come my way again.

Get out of the house, join gay dating sites if you haven't already and follow up on interested parties, hit a bar that caters to men your age or mixed ages, call up some friends, have drinks or dinner and exchange war stories, commiserating over romantic misfires. Stay away from friends in happy relationships for awhile as they may only remind you of what you're missing. Have some hot consolation sex. Or hot chocolate if the former isn't available.

I have been in a similar situation, and you'll never know if the guy stopped calling you because you didn't pursue him enough, or because he just wasn't that into you when all is said and done, or if he, frankly, ultimately wanted a man in his own age group. You may never know, so forget it. Stay off his Facebook page -- you don't need to see photos of him and his lover enjoying happy domesticity. Or getting married! Believe me, you really don't need that torture.

You say that you don't think anyone like him will ever come your way again. First, you can't really know that for certain. Second, the next man you fall for [and who will hopefully fall for you] may not be as young and handsome as this guy, but he will still be "Mr. Right" if it turns out he's The Guy. You're certainly not too old to find a long-lasting relationship. [I mean I know men in their seventies who have fuck-buddies, sometimes much younger, or who have found soul-mates in their senior years -- you never know!]

Do not think of this guy as your last chance. There's always somebody interesting around the corner, you just gotta get out there and meet him. Take it from one who's been there: after awhile you won't even remember what this guy looked like [admittedly it might take a little longer than with other guys].

Good luck! 

Younger Man Older Man

NOTE: Occasionally I will respond to a comment that has been left regarding one post by starting a new post, as I have this time. This was a comment on my post on Falling in Love with a Younger Man:

Variation on a theme here. But I think the same outcome for me in the end.

The age difference is larger (I'm 42 and he's 19), and we've chatted online and webcammed for 6 months. We live in different cities and while we met briefly a few months ago just to hang out for a few hours, finally met this past weekend and pretty much spent the weekend together having a wild time (which included sex for two nights). I can't stop thinking about him and he says the same about me. Feels like love to me and I'm not sure at 19 he knows what that is, but he says the same about me.

I think there are only a few choices for the future here. Change my life to be with him, change the relationship and still be friends or totally end it. My heart wants the first one but realistically it has to be one of the other two. I'm not sure how to get to those stages though to be honest. I guess I'm having trouble building the courage to get there as well. Open to thoughts and opinions. Thinking I need to grow up here and "do the right thing". Rip the bandage off as it were and see where it ends up.

Like I've said in the past a successful relationship with such a large age difference is not impossible, but I'd be kidding you if I said it would be easy. You're dealing with a teenager, and no matter how mature he may be for his age (or not) he probably isn't ready to settle down with anyone, whereas you're at just the right age to do so. It sounds like you're having a wild sexual fling with a sexy young guy -- good for you, by the way! -- but while an infatuation can seem pretty intense -- it can certainly feel and hurt as much as love -- in the long run it's still just an infatuation. A few months of webcamming and a couple of nights of hot sex don't necessarily add up to a relationship. If a 19-year-old gets involved with an older man, there's usually some underlying reason for it. [I don't have to explain the reason why older men get involved with younger guys!] Is he trying to run from some bad situation? Is he looking for a father surrogate? Does he want to escape a bad family situation? Ultimately, what this young guy may need is a friend, but everything becomes complicated when you add in the sexual and romantic feelings you both have.

I probably don't have to tell you that when you enter into a relationship with a teenager [thank god he's an adult!] you're opening a whole can of worms, especially if he's still living at home. Befriend this guy if you want, have some mutually satisfying safe sex with him when you can, but as I've advised others, keep your eyes open for someone more age appropriate. 42 is still young. If you can have a 19 year old fuck buddy, boyfriend, what-have-you, you can certainly attract nice-looking men in their thirties and forties.

Still, I have met happy couples who had even more than a twenty-three year age difference. There were complications, there always are in these situations, but if the two of you really do come to love one another that strongly, who knows? You're the older person, but for all I know he could be much more experienced. If this is your first big gay fling, I'd say keep things in perspective and take it slow.

Infatuated with Younger Man

I am a middle-aged gay man who finds himself unrequitedly infatuated with a younger man. I recently accepted the fact that it is hopeless and simply want to move on and get over him. But how can you get over an infatuation? BB

Now why does everyone ask me about unrequited infatuation? Seriously, there is a way to get over a crush, and while you may feel you're infatuated, obsessed, or in love, the fact is you're probably just in crush. I remember asking someone the same question once and I was told "You don't get over an infatuation. You just enjoy the fantasy." It sounded like a good answer at the time but it's completely inaccurate. Here's how you get over a crush.

First, stop hanging around the object of your affection, which you know you're doing way too much. Seeing him may be the highlight of your day, but you have to move on. Throw out your pictures of him, delete the ones on your hard drive, and cut him out of your life as much as possible. You've gotten past the first hurdle -- you've accepted that it's just not gonna happen. Now do the next sensible thing and get on with your life. Bless him and let him go!

Get yourself out there meeting new men! The easiest way to forget about the wrong guy is to meet the right one. Meet guys online, go on dates, frequent bars where you're more likely to find men who are your type and in your age range. Guys can be hot even in middle-age or older! You don't need the younger ones, baby! (Of course if you meet a younger guy who likes older men, okay, but that obviously hasn't happened here.)

I know, I know. You think you can't live without the one you think of nearly every hour of every day. You spend most of your time day-dreaming about the future with him that you know you won't have. Enough of that already! You may be feeling some heartbreak and disappointment, sure, but look at it this way. Think of all the people out there who lose spouses and partners that they've been with for decades. If you keep it in perspective you'll realize that what you're going through, while difficult, is a lot easier to deal with than the grief of losing a loved one of many years.

You can do it! You can get over this guy! The sooner you move on the faster you can meet someone new!

Think of the possibilities and go get 'im tiger!

Falling in Love with Younger Man

I am falling in love with a man young enough to be my son (he is in his late twenties; I am in my late forties). We have a very good friendship and I don't want to lose it. I suspect that he is a bit lonely and relies on my friendship and company. I know I should do the sensible thing and not see him anymore before I get in too deep, but I know this would hurt him, and I know I would miss him a lot. I just don't know what to do. RR

A blunt question: Who is really the lonely one -- you or him? Young gay men occasionally develop attachments to older gay men who sort of become father surrogates to them. Meanwhile the older man is falling in love. Sometimes good, solid relationships can develop between two people of different generations, and that includes romantic relationships, but both parties have to share the same feelings. I suspect the real problem here is that you sense this young man only sees you as a platonic friend, whereas your feelings go much, much deeper.

My advice: Try and keep him as a friend, but replace him in your romantic and sexual fantasies with someone who can actually play these things back to you. The more time you spend devoted to this younger man, the less time you'll have to meet someone in your own age group, or at least someone of any age who can become a special person in your life. Don't spend all your time with this guy, as you probably do if you're as smitten as I suspect. Gradually your feelings for this young man may change, until he becomes a cherished friend, maybe the son you never had -- but not a love object.

The sad truth is that younger men often "rely" on older guys until they meet someone their own age and the friendship they have with the older guy then becomes less and less important. Some younger men end a friendship if they even suspect the older person has "feelings" for them, and it can be brutal. I'm not saying that that is always the case. As hard as it might be for you to do at this point, you will some day be able to see this fellow as someone you love but are not in love with, especially if you open your heart to the possibilities of finding someone else as a lover.

Don't despair over this situation. The forties is still young. Think of some happy future time when you and your lover and he and his lover can all get together as friends, a scenario that is certainly not impossible. In the meantime, get what you can from the friendship, but look around for someone else to fulfill your romantic and sexual fantasies.

Keep a positive attitude and Good Luck.