Dr. Bill, I'm a man in my late forties and about a year ago I dated a man who was somewhat younger than me -- all right, a lot younger than me -- and he seemed to really be into me. Because of the age difference and because he was so attractive, I hung back a little and sort of let him do the pursuing. I guess I couldn't quite believe that he was really that interested in me or I was just afraid I would be seen as the desperate older man stalking the younger guy or something like that. In any case, I took my time responding to texts and phone messages and eventually I stopped hearing from him. I always hoped that we would run into each other again, but I checked out his facebook page and now he has a lover -- closer to his own age, of course. I'm happy for him , of course, but I'm left with the feeling that had I only not hung back, pursued him more ardently, I might be his lover today. I'm not even certain what I'm asking. I haven't checked out his facebook page since and I won't but I find myself thinking about him a lot. I wouldn't quite call what I feel heartache, but nonetheless it hurts. What do you think and what can I do to make this feeling of regret and loneliness go away? I don't think anyone like him will ever come my way again.
Get out of the house, join gay dating sites if you haven't already and follow up on interested parties, hit a bar that caters to men your age or mixed ages, call up some friends, have drinks or dinner and exchange war stories, commiserating over romantic misfires. Stay away from friends in happy relationships for awhile as they may only remind you of what you're missing. Have some hot consolation sex. Or hot chocolate if the former isn't available.
I have been in a similar situation, and you'll never know if the guy stopped calling you because you didn't pursue him enough, or because he just wasn't that into you when all is said and done, or if he, frankly, ultimately wanted a man in his own age group. You may never know, so forget it. Stay off his Facebook page -- you don't need to see photos of him and his lover enjoying happy domesticity. Or getting married! Believe me, you really don't need that torture.
You say that you don't think anyone like him will ever come your way again. First, you can't really know that for certain. Second, the next man you fall for [and who will hopefully fall for you] may not be as young and handsome as this guy, but he will still be "Mr. Right" if it turns out he's The Guy. You're certainly not too old to find a long-lasting relationship. [I mean I know men in their seventies who have fuck-buddies, sometimes much younger, or who have found soul-mates in their senior years -- you never know!]
Do not think of this guy as your last chance. There's always somebody interesting around the corner, you just gotta get out there and meet him. Take it from one who's been there: after awhile you won't even remember what this guy looked like [admittedly it might take a little longer than with other guys].
Good luck!
Showing posts with label younger-older. Show all posts
Showing posts with label younger-older. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Guy Only Wants Older Guys
Hey Dr. Bill,
I’m 23 years old and I’m
coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older
guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine
characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been
obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome
40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is
covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak. What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!
Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my
attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as
well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old
enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.
Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.
Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.
First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.
Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.
Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.
None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.
Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]
So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!
Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.
First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.
Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.
Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.
None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.
Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]
So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
More Weighty Matters
I have really enjoyed your recent blogs on weight issues. [Thank you.] I am a bear
chaser, or at least I used to be, now more of a pocket bear. Anyways
some chasers do care about their partners health. When I met my
boyfriend he was about 230 lbs. Which looks really good on his stocky
"bull" build. However after a few years (February of 2012 will be our 10
year anniversary) he gained, going up to about 370 lbs at his biggest.
While I am not a fetish feeder, I am a good cook. I feel partly responsible because I would bake him cakes, and other treats. It was my not my intention to make him obese, I just wanted to make him happy. Food made him happy. So whenever he was mad or mean or grumpy. I would bake a pie, and it would fix things. I realize that it was a huge mistake.
I never stopped being attracted to him. And sometimes I envy his large size due to the ability to intimidate people with his size. I have been helping him to loose weight, and he as dropped 50 lbs. I would love for him to get down to 230 and be able to go off of insulin. But I can not force him to exercise. He has a much stronger will than me and he does not take orders from anyone. All I can really do is to try to be supportive. I do not buy a lot of junk food. And deserts are a rare treat now instead of a daily occurrence. I hope that he does get healthier and starts to enjoy life more. But I can not force him to. I guess my overly long point is some chasers do care about the health and well being of their bears. [Very glad to hear it! Bill]
Part 2: .My question
As from my first comment. I am in a nearly 10 year relationship. My boy friend is 16 years older than me. When we met I was 22 he was 38. At that time I had near 0 chest hair, and just ok beard coverage. Now through aging and some minoxidil use, I have a pretty kick ass beard. And even some (though still wish I had more ) chest hair.
Our problem arises in that my boyfriend hates full beards, but I really want one. I have made the concession in the past to have a goatee in the summer(that he likes) and the beard in the winter. We are in Florida so really only 2 seasons. However he is already starting to complain about the beard.
He thinks I should do what he finds attractive. And while I can see his point, I still have a desire to be fully furried. How much should I give in on this? I mean I like to make him happy but the beard gets me all kinds of positive reaction. Especially from straight men who find it impressive.
My bf is very hairy (Italian) but himself is more in to smooth guys. And never cared for the bear scene. we don't really go out anymore except to local straight bars and restaurants, because he thinks gay bars can cause relationship problems he prefers strict monogamy). I admit that my smoothness was why I got to have him. I also always wish I were like him and had that beautiful bearness.
I suppose I should at least give in for his birthday and shave. But the beard will definitely be back before Christmas. How should I deal with the nagging? How can I respect his feelings while still being who I want to be?
Thank you so much for your time, and your blogs. Just writing you makes me feel a lot better.
Okay, I have to ask, what do you care what straight men think about your beard? Surely your partner of ten years' opinion matters more than some straight guy? I mean, what's up with that, LOL? Gay guys generally want to change their appearance to attract other gay guys!
I have a feeling you like the beard because it makes you feel/look butcher [or what some guys with an old-fashioned sensibility might say "straighter."]? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look more masculine -- and the whole bear/hairy guy thing has a lot of do with masculinity -- but a man can be smooth and clean-shaven and not-so-macho and still be attractive.
On the other hand, you have a right to feel good about yourself and look the way you want to. My advice is to tell your lover that you'll get rid of the beard -- or only wear it in winter -- when he gets down to a healthy recommended size! That may motivate 'im! Just as he wants you to look a certain way, you have the right to prefer him to look a certain way as well.
Your partner is 16 years older than you, getting older, and may be a little insecure, which may be why he's nervous about the bar scene, but if the two of you go to a bar together it shouldn't be a problem. He's undoubtedly afraid that at nearly twenty years his junior you have a wandering eye -- you didn't really have that much time to sow your wild oats, as they say, before getting into a long-time partnership. The answer is compromise. [I always been in favor of modified open relationships -- I frankly think relationships last longer that way -- but a great many gay men disagree with me on this. Different strokes ...]
If the two of you love each other and enjoy each other's company and are there for each other during the rough patches of life, then everything else will work itself out. Good luck!
While I am not a fetish feeder, I am a good cook. I feel partly responsible because I would bake him cakes, and other treats. It was my not my intention to make him obese, I just wanted to make him happy. Food made him happy. So whenever he was mad or mean or grumpy. I would bake a pie, and it would fix things. I realize that it was a huge mistake.
I never stopped being attracted to him. And sometimes I envy his large size due to the ability to intimidate people with his size. I have been helping him to loose weight, and he as dropped 50 lbs. I would love for him to get down to 230 and be able to go off of insulin. But I can not force him to exercise. He has a much stronger will than me and he does not take orders from anyone. All I can really do is to try to be supportive. I do not buy a lot of junk food. And deserts are a rare treat now instead of a daily occurrence. I hope that he does get healthier and starts to enjoy life more. But I can not force him to. I guess my overly long point is some chasers do care about the health and well being of their bears. [Very glad to hear it! Bill]
Part 2: .My question
As from my first comment. I am in a nearly 10 year relationship. My boy friend is 16 years older than me. When we met I was 22 he was 38. At that time I had near 0 chest hair, and just ok beard coverage. Now through aging and some minoxidil use, I have a pretty kick ass beard. And even some (though still wish I had more ) chest hair.
Our problem arises in that my boyfriend hates full beards, but I really want one. I have made the concession in the past to have a goatee in the summer(that he likes) and the beard in the winter. We are in Florida so really only 2 seasons. However he is already starting to complain about the beard.
He thinks I should do what he finds attractive. And while I can see his point, I still have a desire to be fully furried. How much should I give in on this? I mean I like to make him happy but the beard gets me all kinds of positive reaction. Especially from straight men who find it impressive.
My bf is very hairy (Italian) but himself is more in to smooth guys. And never cared for the bear scene. we don't really go out anymore except to local straight bars and restaurants, because he thinks gay bars can cause relationship problems he prefers strict monogamy). I admit that my smoothness was why I got to have him. I also always wish I were like him and had that beautiful bearness.
I suppose I should at least give in for his birthday and shave. But the beard will definitely be back before Christmas. How should I deal with the nagging? How can I respect his feelings while still being who I want to be?
Thank you so much for your time, and your blogs. Just writing you makes me feel a lot better.
Okay, I have to ask, what do you care what straight men think about your beard? Surely your partner of ten years' opinion matters more than some straight guy? I mean, what's up with that, LOL? Gay guys generally want to change their appearance to attract other gay guys!
I have a feeling you like the beard because it makes you feel/look butcher [or what some guys with an old-fashioned sensibility might say "straighter."]? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look more masculine -- and the whole bear/hairy guy thing has a lot of do with masculinity -- but a man can be smooth and clean-shaven and not-so-macho and still be attractive.
On the other hand, you have a right to feel good about yourself and look the way you want to. My advice is to tell your lover that you'll get rid of the beard -- or only wear it in winter -- when he gets down to a healthy recommended size! That may motivate 'im! Just as he wants you to look a certain way, you have the right to prefer him to look a certain way as well.
Your partner is 16 years older than you, getting older, and may be a little insecure, which may be why he's nervous about the bar scene, but if the two of you go to a bar together it shouldn't be a problem. He's undoubtedly afraid that at nearly twenty years his junior you have a wandering eye -- you didn't really have that much time to sow your wild oats, as they say, before getting into a long-time partnership. The answer is compromise. [I always been in favor of modified open relationships -- I frankly think relationships last longer that way -- but a great many gay men disagree with me on this. Different strokes ...]
If the two of you love each other and enjoy each other's company and are there for each other during the rough patches of life, then everything else will work itself out. Good luck!
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