Crabby

Hello Dr. Bill,

First, thank you for your time in answering this question.

I am a 50-year-old gay man and have been out since I was 16.  I lead a rather conventional suburban lifestyle in the SF Bay Area.  A few years back, I ended a 17 year relationship and I have been with my current boyfriend for two years. We don't live together but we are in a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship.

I would hate to think that I am being naive, but what are the chances of getting crabs without having had sex with someone?  I got them but I did not have sex with anyone and my boyfriend said he did not have sex with anyone as well.  I have not tried on new clothes or slept in anyone else's bed.  I am completely baffled on how I could have gotten these little "buggers."

Any light you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, again.

 

Well, first let me make it clear that yes, you can get crabs without having sex with anyone, but there are certain conditions. The problem in your case is that you have not shared anyone's clothing, slept in someone else's bed, and presumably have not shared towels with anyone, either. That eliminates most of the possibilities. Technically, I suppose one could get crabs from a toilet seat if you use it not long after an infected person has been sitting there, but remember that crabs do not live too long away from the warmth of the host body -- and they have little reason to leave it just to hang out on a toilet seat. Is it possible that your boyfriend borrowed clothing from someone, or crashed in someone's apartment [without necessarily having sex with them]?

However, the truth is that people generally wind up with crab lice after having sex -- or at least some kind of close physical contact -- with someone else. Perhaps your boyfriend can shed some light on where he picked them up? Or perhaps be a little more honest? But remember, if he did have a one-night-stand, don't over-react. Sometimes these things happen and they really don't mean anything. 

That being said, most people can forgive an occasional "indiscretion" more than they can getting crabs -- especially without the pleasure of sex!

Stomach Pain After Anal Sex

Dear Dr. Bill,

I have recently started dating a new guy (he is 23) and we have had anal sex twice now and the day after he gets stomach pain (cramping) and nausea. He does not have diarrhea or anything like that, just the cramps. Last week, he went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a CT scan because the doctor thought it could be Crohn’s disease. My guy did not tell him that he had anal sex the night before, but did tell the doctor he was gay.

He has an appointment with a specialist next month to confirm the diagnosis of Crohn’s. I have a feeling that it is not Crohn’s but that since I am very thick, that I am pumping a lot of air into his bowels and it is gas pain. Last time this happened to him with another guy, the doctor prescribed an antacid and this took the pain away. This time the doctor has prescribed Prednisone. He has decided not to take it, as there are a lot of side effects.

I have been researching this question online with no real answers.

Thank you in advance for your help.

People's systems react differently to anal sex [especially if it's a comparatively new or infrequent experience] and getting gas or nausea is certainly not unusual, or necessarily something to worry about. Undoubtedly this condition will clear up in time. I suggest if this guy sees any more doctors he tells him or her that he engages in anal sex as a bottom, as it will help in their diagnosis. [If he feels he is in any way being judged, he should see another doctor.] As for prednisone, it is prescribed for a great many conditions, including cancer, arthritis, AIDS, etc., often in combination with other drugs, but a doctor would probably not prescribe it for gas or indigestion. The guy may have other medical conditions you may not know about.

Douche for Anal Sex

Hi Dr

I wonder if you can help me and I am fed up with my problem. I douche my arse with a douche connected to the shower. I can spend half an hour cleaning myself only to find during sex I am still shitty. Am I douching too much? Why does the shit keep pushing into the anal tract?I am not really sure how all this works.

I would appreciate your advice.

Thanks

During anal sex there is so much constant and repeated pressure into the rectum that it's nearly impossible for some fecal matter not to wind up on your partner's pole -- or rather, the condom that he uses. Forget about douching and just take a normal shower sometime before and definitely after sex.

Possibly Gay Boyfriend

Dear Bill,

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. He is good in bed and stares at women. However, he has very gay mannerisms.[I assume you mean stereotypical mannerisms as most gay men are not "limp-wristed hairdressers" -- Bill]  He cares about his dressing, he takes longer to shower than I do, all his male friends are gay except one. He grinds with them in public, he holds hands with his best friend, who is gay. This behavior appalls me [presumably because it's your date and not because you have a problem with gay behavior -- Bill]and I don't know what to do. Everybody thinks he is gay. I asked him sweetly about it and he says he doesn't know how to act like a bro because he grew up among women. He has 2 sisters and lives with his mom. His parents are divorced. He says he always found it easier to make friendships with gay men. I asked him about his sexual history and he said he has never done anything sexual with a guy. Most of my friends are gay too, so when we go out to gay clubs and gay guys hit on him, he enjoys the attention and proudly talks to them and then later on he will introduce me as his girlfriend. He is also quick to point out a good looking man on television. I am confused about his behaviour. Please help me before I lose my mind. I dated a gay guy before, and I don't want to make the same mistake. I have a preference for a completely straight man.

Well, I gotta tell you that this doesn't sound like a completely straight man. On the other hand, some of the things you mention aren't necessarily red flags. There are girlish heterosexual men [just as the vast majority of gay men are not effeminate], and a man can also care about his appearance, take a long time to dress and shower, and still be straight. [The reverse is also true: I'm a gay man and I'm a slob, or so some friends tell me, LOL!] Guys who grow up in all female households can sometimes seem a bit epicene [androgynous or unmanly] but it doesn't necessarily mean they're gay. [For the record, it's generally now believed that people are born gay, so whether a man grows up surrounded by women or men, has or hasn't got a father figure, is irrelevant.] Growing up with women may have helped your boyfriend be more comfortable around women, and perhaps the more stereotypical gay men.

Now we come to this business of how your boyfriend has virtually immersed himself in the gay scene. Since you say that the both of you have gay friends and therefore hang out a lot in gay clubs, it may be that he finds himself in a homoerotic environment and doesn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. [We'll all seen some straight guys in gay bars clinging to their girlfriends, practically breaking their ribs, in terror of being thought gay.] So he dances with some of his gay friends to be cool, although I have to admit that the grinding and holding hands is a bit much. I have known cases of guys who immerse themselves in gay culture, have girlfriends and refer to themselves as straight, but are deep down attracted to men. My guess is that your boyfriend is possibly gay or at least bisexual but just isn't quite ready to acknowledge it, although he seems to do everything else but have sex with guys [if what he's told you is true, and it may not be]. I call these guys "gay-friendly closet cases."

Most straight couples go to gay clubs that tend to be somewhat mixed [men and women/gay and straight] and not the more intense cruise bars or "meet" markets where gay guys go to get laid. If he's hanging out in the latter bars he could certainly be attracted to men.

I won't repeat what I've written in my post Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, but I suggest you review the information and familiarize yourself with the red flags.

The truth is that there's no hard and fast way to know for sure about someone unless they come out of the closet or you discover they're having sex with guys, are on gay dating sights, etc. In the meantime, if his behavior in gay bars embarrasses you, you should probably stick to straight clubs. Right now I think it's more that he's "acting" gay that bothers you than that he may be sleeping with guys, because otherwise you probably wouldn't bother dating a guy that you think is gay!

More Weighty Matters

I have really enjoyed your recent blogs on weight issues. [Thank you.] I am a bear chaser, or at least I used to be, now more of a pocket bear. Anyways some chasers do care about their partners health. When I met my boyfriend he was about 230 lbs. Which looks really good on his stocky "bull" build. However after a few years (February of 2012 will be our 10 year anniversary) he gained, going up to about 370 lbs at his biggest.

While I am not a fetish feeder, I am a good cook.  I feel partly responsible because I would bake him cakes, and other treats. It was my not my intention to make him obese, I just wanted to make him happy. Food made him happy. So whenever he was mad or mean or grumpy. I would bake a pie, and it would fix things. I realize that it was a huge mistake.

I never stopped being attracted to him. And sometimes I envy his large size due to the ability to intimidate people with his size.  I have been helping him to loose weight, and he as dropped 50 lbs. I would love for him to get down to 230 and be able to go off of insulin. But I can not force him to exercise. He has a much stronger will than me and he does not take orders from anyone. All I can really do is to try to be supportive. I do not buy a lot of junk food. And deserts are a rare treat now instead of a daily occurrence.  I hope that he does get healthier and starts to enjoy life more. But I can not force him to.  I guess my overly long point is some chasers do care about the health and well being of their bears. [Very glad to hear it! Bill]

Part 2: .My question

As from my first comment. I am in a nearly 10 year relationship. My boy friend is 16 years older than me. When we met I was 22 he was 38.  At that time I had near 0 chest hair, and just ok beard coverage. Now through aging and some minoxidil use, I have a pretty kick ass beard. And even some (though still wish I had more ) chest hair.

Our problem arises in that my boyfriend hates full beards, but I really want one. I have made the concession in the past to have a goatee in the summer(that he likes) and the beard in the winter. We are in Florida so really only 2 seasons.  However he is already starting to complain about the beard.
He thinks I should do what he finds attractive. And while I can see his point, I still have a desire to be fully furried. How much should I give in on this? I mean I like to make him happy but the beard gets me all kinds of positive reaction. Especially from straight men who find it impressive.

My bf is very hairy (Italian) but himself is more in to smooth guys. And never cared for the bear scene. we don't really go out anymore except to local straight bars and restaurants, because he thinks gay bars can cause relationship problems  he prefers strict monogamy). I admit that my smoothness was why I got to have him. I also always wish I were like him and had that beautiful bearness. 

I suppose I should at least give in for his birthday and shave. But the beard will definitely be back before Christmas. How should I deal with the nagging? How can I respect his feelings while still being who I want to be?

Thank you so much for your time, and your blogs. Just writing you makes me feel a lot better.

 Okay, I have to ask, what do you care what straight men think about your beard? Surely your partner of ten years' opinion matters more than some straight guy? I mean, what's up with that, LOL? Gay guys generally want to change their appearance to attract other gay guys!

I have a feeling you like the beard because it makes you feel/look butcher [or what some guys with an old-fashioned sensibility might say "straighter."]? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look more masculine -- and the whole bear/hairy guy thing has a lot of do with masculinity --  but a man can be smooth and clean-shaven and not-so-macho and still be attractive.

On the other hand, you have a right to feel good about yourself and look the way you want to. My advice is to tell your lover that you'll get rid of the beard -- or only wear it in winter -- when he gets down to a healthy recommended size! That may motivate 'im! Just as he wants you to look a certain way, you have the right to prefer him to look a certain way as well.

Your partner is 16 years older than you, getting older, and may be a little insecure, which may be why he's nervous about the bar scene, but if the two of you go to a bar together it shouldn't be a problem. He's undoubtedly afraid that at nearly twenty years his junior you have a wandering eye -- you didn't really have that much time to sow your wild oats, as they say, before getting into a long-time partnership. The answer is compromise. [I always been in favor of modified open relationships -- I frankly think relationships last longer that way -- but a great many gay men disagree with me on this. Different strokes ...]

If the two of you love each other and enjoy each other's company and are there for each other during the rough patches of life, then everything else will work itself out. Good luck! 

Weighty Matters

Dear Dr. Bill:

I'm a longtime reader of your columns; usually they're helpful and they are always interesting. Thank you. But I was pretty stunned at the level of contempt and blatant meanspiritedness you showed in your reply entitled, "Blubber Belongs On Whales Not Men." Sometimes my irreverence gets the better of me but it is never my intention to be blatantly cruel. (More on this below.)

In my view any advice columnist should show empathy and kindness, and you did neither. Not everyone shares your view. I find the best advice columnists cut through the crap, don't take excuses, and say what needs to be said, no matter how terrible.  I was taken aback by how condescending and arrogant your reply sounded. I haven't seen this before in your posts, so I can only guess it was a really bad day. Could be. I've had my share.

Sure, being tremendously overweight is a serious health problem for anyone. And sure, the great majority of gay men in bars (conscious as they are about visible appearance and looking fabulous) likely have no attraction to very obese peers. But I think using phrases like "manatees," I didn't come up with that term, and I guess whether it's derogatory or not depends on the user, same as with, say, "chubbybear." "stuff their faces," "utterly repulsed," "blubber," "humongous man boobs," "revulsion," "sloppy fat," and "frequently effeminate" mainly have one effect: they highlight YOUR insecurity about this topic and spotlight your need to denigrate an entire subgroup of the gay male population...possibly because you fear that you could become like them if Fate frowns on you.Anything's possible, but I can't imagine having such a level of self-hate that I'd let that happen, but who knows? [Don't over-react to that until you read the rest.]

It was a wise man who said we only hate things in others that we detect in ourselves. Honestly, I'm about five pounds overweight currently. No real danger of becoming morbidly obese and not really a fear of mine. Not to say I don't have my issues, being human.

And all the psychobabble about how people attracted to really fat men are insecure about their looks or are wanting to climb into a mother's womb was just laughable. Where are you getting this stuff? It may sound like psychobabble, yes, but just why do some people find fat sexy? It's just beyond me and I was searching for answers. If you have the answers I'll be happy to hear them. Clearly there are people who have a fat fetish, just as there are those with a bald or hairy or beard fetish and so on. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with any of it.

Full disclosure: I feel strongly about this, in part, because I'm overweight. Not by any means as overweight as the guys described by your writer and by you, but I need to lose weight. I weighed 180 in high school and was skinny (I'm tall) and now at age 48 I'm at 230 and the clinical BMI charts classify me as obese.I once weighed nearly as much.  In my case, part of the reason for the steady weight gain is medication for depression that I've been on for many years. These medications can and do affect metabolism, and also make people remarkably hungry. But on balance the weight is better than debilitating clinical depression. I know a lot of gay men and lesbians in my shoes, too. Okay, this is a good point and I'm glad you raised it. But you do realize I was not commenting on people who become obese due to physical ailments and medication but to GLUTTONY  and absolutely no exercise at all. I can feel sympathy for the first category but not so much for the second. And they do exist. [And you are undoubtedly aware that not everyone who takes anti-depressants experiences weight gain. Is the extreme hunger caused by the medication or by the depression itself? I know several people who are on or have been on anti-depressants and none of them experienced rabid hunger or weight gain, but perhaps every case is different.]

You are definitely right that very overweight people should lose weight. It's obvious. In my case, the extra poundage pushed me into the diabetic range for a while but my blood sugar gets a lot better when I manage to lose weight.  What I really take issue with is your total lack of kindness in the tone of your writing, as if you decided that you could be as nasty toward very obese people as you wished because they're the one minority that's generally seen as OK to malign. I don't see obese people as being a minority, especially since obesity is a major problem in the U.S. In the past week alone there have been several programs on the subject from Dr. Phil to 20/20. Obese people are not in the minority. Morbidly obese, maybe. But they have their admirers, so they're not doing so badly are they? And while I may not be attracted to very obese men doesn't mean I don't recognize that they can be perfectly nice and worthwhile human beings. But they'll probably live longer if they lose some weight.

Talking about your own struggles with weight doesn't counterbalance the cruelness of your comments, nor does tossing in a line about how it seems there's suiters for all types of gay men regardless of appearance in this wonderful, diverse world of ours. But isn't that good? Every other sentence in your response showed you're paying lip service to this idea. Every time I go out to a bar I see middle-aged men who are simply in terrible shape, be they bears, chubby bears, manatees, whatever you want to call them. It is a struggle [for me and everyone else] to stay in shape, but as long as we in the gay male community make obesity "sexy" it is not going to encourage anybody to take care of himself. The purpose of the whole bear movement was to address the fact that not all of us are young, thin, handsome etc. and that was great. But if it makes being obese and unhealthy a good "sexy" choice it's going too far in the wrong direction. Am I being cruel, or is the guy who tells a morbidly obese man that he's "hot" and encourages him to stay that way the really cruel one? Worse, some "chubby chasers"  want to have sex with some guy because of their fetish, but when it comes to long-term relationships, forget it. That can be pretty cruel to the big guy they're going after, too, who thinks that the chaser likes him for himself and not just his fat.

If you're going to style yourself as a counselor, be sophisticated about it and do what counselors do: Be courteous [me?], be as open-minded as you can [I do try],  and "do no harm" with the words you choose [The trouble is -- and forgive the cliche -- you have to break a few eggs to make an omelet]. Gay people have experienced the pain of stigma and discrimination and not fitting in their whole lives. Don't lash out against any segment of them under the guise of being helpful and spurring them to improve themselves. Advice columnist, heal thyself. If you knew me you'd know that I'm a blunt, no bull-shit, politically incorrect person and while it may make people mad at me at times [you should hear what certain bisexuals and asexuals have to say about me] at least no one should feel patronized. I'm not a touchy feely kind of guy, I say what I mean come hell or highwater. Actually that's one of the things people seem to like about the blog.

As for "manatees," we should feel sorry for them because of any health issues they have that are a.) caused by their obesity or b.) have caused their obesity. Otherwise, they're doing just great. I've seen many a "manatee" strutting around with admirers in tow, so let's not feel too sorry for them. I mean that was the whole point of the post, that there at least seem to be many more chubby chasers in the gay community than ever before. I have encountered a great many guys who are scratching their heads over it all. The thing that worries me is when all is said and done will obese men's admirers just fuck and forget 'em , or encourage them to get in shape?

 

 P.S. A manatee is a marine mammal, not a fish. Check your facts. --Bob

Well, I simply meant big fish as in "swims in the ocean" but I will double-check. 

I know there are some nice people in the gay community who happen to be morbidly obese for one reason or another. I don't exactly go around being nasty to them or anyone else. Just as they have to deal with the fact some may find them unattractive due to their weight, so, too, do other gay men have to deal with the same thing because they are hairy, smooth, HIV positive, bald, old, lame, infirm, poor and so on and so on. But we all do deal with it,  largely because there are people who find us attractive in spite of what others might find dismaying. A big difference is that being bald or hairy etc. doesn't represent a health risk as extreme obesity does.

What's strange about this whole situation is that we are not talking about cases where, say a man's lover puts on a great deal of weight over time [which can happen of course], and while that man's partner may no longer find him as attractive, he will still be in love with him and tactfully urge/help him to lose weight. No, what we have today is a completely different situation: men who are specifically out there looking for obese and often morbidly obese men. It is one thing for someone to look past what others might find repulsive [and we're not just talking about fat here] and appreciate the person's inner qualities, but being turned on by obesity is another matter entirely. 

And if you think this is bad, wait until I answer a recent question on "daddies" and cubs next week!

Blubber Belongs on Whales Not Men

Dr. Bill, I notice more and more in gay bars that many of the patrons are, frankly, enormous, but what's worse is that these guys often seem to attract much better-looking men. I have never been a chubby chaser, but we're not even talking about overweight guys or guys with pot bellies, but fucking ENORMOUS lard-butts. There seem to be so many of them and they seem to have their admirers. But why? What on earth is sexy about fat? Can you enlighten me on this? I just don't get it.
Now this is a timely question! First let me say that I don't think there's anything remotely sexy about fat, and I am just as baffled by the proliferation of "lard-butts" and even more so of the guys who like them, as you are. For the record these morbidly obese men are now called "manatees" after the huge, ungainly fish that resemble underwater elephants. I really can't understand what people find appealing about them.

I don't mean to be cruel, mind you. But programs like The Biggest Loser have shown that even the most corpulent person can still lose weight if they have sufficient motivation and the will to do so. Obesity is preventable. You can talk all you want about hormones and big bones and all the rest, the fact is that the vast majority of manatees stuff their faces with anything they can get their hands on and the only exercise they get is when the TV remote falls on the floor and they have to bend over to pick it up.

Do I sound unsympathetic? It's because I am. I may need to lose a couple of pounds, but I have managed to stay in reasonably good shape for several years after dropping about forty pounds. Anyone can watch their diet and get some exercise. It's tougher for some than others -- you have to factor in not just weight, but age, metabolism, general health etc. etc -- but it's never impossible.

As for the attraction? I believe most of the guys who like manatees are insecure and have a need to be with someone who is much less attractive (to most people) than they are. They are dealing with self-esteem issues. For some people, fat is a fetish that makes as little sense as most fetishes do. They are just turned on by excessive avoirdupois and that's that. The rest of us are utterly repulsed, of course, scratching our heads when we see an attractive (to us) man on a date or -- gross! -- making out with a manatee.Then there are those highly neurotic individuals [regardless of sex or sexual orientation] who can't deal with life and subconsciously want to get back inside mommy's womb where they feel safe. Being surrounded by all that blubber (not to mention the humungous man boobs most manatees possess) creates a similar feeling of well-being [in sharp contrast to the revulsion most of us would feel].

The trouble with manatees is that they are not healthy individuals. Yes, it may be true that being thin doesn't always mean that you're healthy, but weighing 290 pounds or more can never be healthy. The strain on the heart, high blood pressure, and so on, makes these guys walking time bombs. They don't have healthy diets. If their admirers, boyfriends, lovers etc. really cared about them, they would do just about anything to get them to lose weight!

[I briefly dated a guy who suggested I put on at least 20 pounds. That was not going to happen, no matter how cute he was. He disappeared, and I imagine he is now happily partnered with a behemoth. Better him than me. As one friend said, if he really cared about you he wouldn't have wanted you to become obese.]

Manatees are an outgrowth of the bear movement; they are especially large chubby bears [at least if they're hairy]. But while many bears can have a solidity to them, a paunchy football player appeal, manatees tend to be roly poly or sloppy fat, are often smooth-skinned, and frequently effeminate to boot. Stereotypical Big Fat Bears also have an unhealthy lifestyle.

Another thing to keep in mind is that most gay men are not attracted to manatees. You can find them and their admirers in certain bars, but not in most of them. So there is hope for those of us who don't break the scale during our weekly weigh-in.

But it just goes to show that in the diverse gay male community, there truly is someone for everyone.

Years ago I attended a party at a group for chubbies and chasers called Girth and Mirth with a portly friend. [This was before I'd put on weight myself.] I felt a little bad that the really fat guys were completely ignored while everyone chased the thin men. Now the tide seems to have turned a little -- at least for a time. But trends tend to peter out, and I suspect it won't be long before this whole fat thing will become tiresome for all but a few, and getting in shape will once more become the thing to do.

Lastly, is being attracted to hairy men a fetish? No doubt it is for some guys, but more often it simply signifies an attraction to masculinity; a hairy chest is more masculine than a smooth one. Ironically not all hairy men are masculine and not all smooth men are queens. 

Gay Boyfriend?

Dr. Bill. Thank you for the website. I read all your posts about possibly gay boyfriends and would love it if you could judge my situation. My boyfriend is kinda of feminine...gestures, tone of voice, posture, likes chick flicks, pretty sensitive...all those stereotypes. If I bring up homosexuality in general, he is cool about it, very liberal. His family seems very traditional since college he lived in a very liberal environment with a lot of options to come out if he wanted. I asked him if he ever experimented with a guy...he said many years ago he had kinda a dry spell with dating girls and he and a gay friend were joking about maybe him being attracted to guys...and they kissed to try it...and he didn't like it and never wanted to try again. He did have a couple of long-term relationship with women in the past and he is late 20s.

Oh, and I read on the web that scientists determined that testosterone level affects lengths of second and forth fingers (weird but apparently true) --[I doubt it -- Dr. Bill] -- and that based on their study very feminine women's and gay men's ring fingers are shorter than point fingers (straight men's ring fingers are longer). So his are like...very feminine or [like] gay men :) !!!!

So, do I have a real reason to be concerned? I would really love your opinion.

If your concern has to do with testosterone levels and other ridiculous stuff that you've read on the web, I would say "no." First of all, male homosexuality has nothing to do with testosterone levels. Gay men do not have less testosterone that straight men. If that were the case, there would be no gay "bears" -- very hairy [and often very macho] gay guys -- or gay men who are bald. [Typical "male pattern baldness," which affects many men regardless of their sexual orientation, is actually caused by an excess of testosterone. ] And for the record, the vast majority of gay men aren't effeminate.

Nothing that you've said about your boyfriend would be an automatic indication of homosexuality. There are straight men who are sensitive, artistic, like "chick flicks" just as there are gay men who are insensitive, have no artistic bent, and wouldn't be caught dead at a "chick flick." We have to get beyond stereotypes. The business about the fingers is just junk science, and I wouldn't take it seriously. If we were to go by this ring finger nonsense, I would be a heterosexual man, and believe me, I'm not.

As I've said before, you should worry/wonder that your boyfriend may be gay if you find gay porn in his apartment, on his computer, if he stares at/flirts with other guys, is registered on a gay dating site, gets sexy, romantic emails from men, and so on. The fact that he is cool with gay people probably just means that he's cool.

As for his experimentation with a gay friend ... that might raise a red flag, but if he was a little drunk, just tried a quick peck to see what it was like... He didn't have sex with the guy or make out with him passionately, so chances are it was done for a laugh and nothing more. [Or maybe he just kissed the wrong guy!]

Seriously, if I were you I would just enjoy that you've got a sensitive boyfriend who can take you to a "chick flick" now and then and is open-minded.

Another Gay Boyfriend?

Hello. I am writing you after reading a little bit about what you have posted on women thinking their boyfriend might be gay.

I just want to say that I'm 23, he's 28. I have never felt so much love before in my life. I'm head over heels and I know that he loves me as well. He kisses me, cuddles, we are best friends. He treats me wonderfully, we always have fun, and he isn't depressed. I know that he is enjoying being with me as well. He shows no signs of stereotypical gay behaviors. [Which is true of the majority of gay men.-- Dr. Bill]

We have been seeing each other for 9 months-every day, we are each others lives. We're happy in each other's company. The issue is that he never initiates sex. It's probably around once a week, or week and a half thing that I initiate. No foreplay. Just sort of from behind [?], okay done. Besides the sex, I'm 100% happy. At first I thought he might be shy or have body issues (but he looks amazing and I tell him this) so I'm not sure what the problem is.

I started googling "why doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me?" and I've read about 50 pages and none of them seemed relevant to me...until this particular one. Dr. Ruth answered "I think he may be gay" and so of course I started googling that and found your page.

The only thing that makes me even question it and ask him is the fact that a healthy 28 year old male (and not to toot my own horn but I'm very pretty, very honest and sincere. I am clean, we have a lot of the same taste in music and hobbies. I cook and clean for him-happily. Not a drama queen, great manners. his family adores me as I do them...) why wouldn't he want to be intimate with me?

Any advice would help and be greatly appreciated. Thanks Dr. Bill!

Well, there are several possibilities. No matter how good-looking he may be, a person can still be self-conscious, especially when it comes to nudity or sex. Was he raised in an oppressive religious background? Even straight people can feel deep down that sex -- especially pre-marital sex -- is wrong or shameful. Or your boyfriend may feel he's not very good in bed and therefore only engages in sex when he feels he has to. Or he may only be turned on at certain times or by certain fetishes. Or he could be a person who is asexual.

As for asexuality, some people have no real sexual desire due to a physical or emotional problem, but you say your boyfriend, as far as you know, isn't in that category. You should know that there is a growing body of people who insist that they are truly asexual in that they are born completely without sexual feelings for either men or women. These people can develop romantic feelings for people [hence they are "homo romantic" or "hetero romantic"] but while they indulge in sex to please their partners, it is not something they can enjoy. An asexual person of this type would be less likely to initiate sex with his or her partner. [And by asexual, I don't mean androgynous.]

Another possibility is that he could be a homosexual man who is fighting his orientation, hoping he can have a successful relationship with a woman, but who can't really enjoy heterosexual relations all that much, if at all. But to completely confuse you, keep in mind that many closeted men in this situation have frequent sex with their female partners and often initiate it. There's no hard and fast rule. Some closeted men have to fantasize about men to fulfill a hetero sex act and others don't.

My advice: don't panic. It may simply be that he has a few minor sex hang ups due to his upbringing, or maybe he can only get turned on by something that [hopefully, for your sake] isn't too kinky. The next time you're in bed ask him if there's anything special or different he might like to do, and if it's not too weird, give it a try.

No matter how awkward it may be, eventually you'll have to talk to him about your concerns, especially if they keep troubling you. To start off, you can ask him if he sees himself as having a low or high sex drive, how he feels about Gay Marriage, and so on, just to start a dialogue that will hopefully give you the answers you are looking for.

Good luck!

Gay Teen with Questions

I am a gay teen, a virgin. I have no idea about real gay sex; I only read them in stories.

Here are my questions:

1. When having anal sex, doesn't the top feel disgusted when they insert their fingers/cocks into the ass? Don't they will smell like shit or something like that? And when pull it out, doesn't shit will cover it? No, they aren't disgusted, especially if the bottom has showered beforehand and is clean. Sometimes the penis will become covered with some feces, but then they two men can simply shower together.

2. When bottoming, is the pleasure gotten from prostate stimulation same as when we are cumming when jerking off? Some of the pleasure. Is it worth the pain? Most bottoms only feel some pain in the beginning but get used to it.

3. How long does gay sex last? That depends on the participants and on what they like to do. If you include foreplay -- making love [kissing and hugging] leading up to the actual sex act -- it can take hours. Most sex acts -- gay or straight -- take a few minutes up to about half an hour.

4. Does gay sex require condoms? Is it more pleasurable without condoms? All sex, gay or straight, requires condoms these days to protect against HIV infection and other sexually-transmitted diseases. Some men feel it is more pleasurable to engage in sex without a condom, but anyone who "barebacks" today [going without a condom] is being very foolish, especially if they are a bottom. Do not let anyone penetrate you if they aren't wearing a condom. For more information on safe sex and risky sex go to the web site for the Gay Men's Health Crisis.

5. When bottoming, when the top cums inside the ass, is there any side effect?
There is no side effect as such, except that semen carries the HIV virus and therefore condoms should always be worn by the top. [While it is rarer for tops to contract HIV through anal intercourse, there have been cases of this happening.]

6. When rimming, can the tongue really touch the prostate? Actually, how far is the prostate from our entrance? Uh, this is a little technical and while require further research, LOL.

7. Is it true that cumming from sex is more intense than cumming from jerking off? Is it true that when you cum while having sex, the cum is more than while jerking off? An orgasm during sex with another person always seems to have more intensity since you're presumably attracted to the person you're with and getting physical with someone always adds an extra-sexual dimension that you don't get when you're jerking off by yourself. However, this doesn't mean that you ejaculate more sperm. If depends on how long it's been since you last had an orgasm.

8. After having sex, can the guys immediately have the second round? I ask this because after jerking off, my sexual desire instantly disappears; thinking about sex makes me feel disgusted for a while. Some men can immediately have a second round; others can't. It depends on how excited they are. Sexual desire often fades after having an orgasm, but you shouldn't feel "disgusted." Sex isn't disgusting, gay or otherwise, though it may have elements to it that are less appealing than others.

9. While having double penetration, is it true that the pleasure that the bottom receive becomes double? Is it true that the pain is unbearable? If you're talking about two dicks, I wouldn't recommend it. Or fist-fucking, for that matter.

10. Can the bottom cum without any physical stimulation to the cock? Sometimes if a man is very aroused and excited he can cum without his penis being stimulated.


Thanks in advance :)

Your welcome. Hope this helps.

Top 20 Health and Medical Sites

Hi Bill,

I just posted an article on my site that I thought your readers might find interesting as well. It's called "Top 20 Health and Medical Q & A Sites" ( http://lpntobsnonline.org/2011/top-20-health-and-medical-q-a-sites/ ).

If you think that my article might spark your readers' attention, I was wondering if you might consider mentioning it on your site?

Either way, I really appreciate your time.

Thanks,
Brad Morgans

My pleasure! Bill

18-year-old with Crush

DEAR DR. BILL.
I AM A EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD GAY BOY WHO HAS A PROBLEM. MY PROBLEM IS THAT I JUST CAME OUT TO MY FRIENDS AND I WAS ASKED BY ONE OF THEM IF I LIKE ANY ONE. AND I TOLD THEM THAT I DID. THEN HE ASKED ME WHO IT WAS AND I KIND OF DIDN’T WANT TO TELL HIM BUT I TOLD HIM ANYWAY. AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS WHO I AM IN LOVE WITH. BUT I JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE GUY I LOVE MESSAGES ME ON FACEBOOK TELLING ME TO NOT CALL HIM LUV. OH AND HE IS GAY ALSO. HE THEN TOLD ME THAT HE IS IN LOVE WITH HIS OTHER FRIEND, WHO IN MY OPINION IS A NO GOOD CHEATER.

HOW DO I GET HIM TO SEE JUST HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM?

Not to say that your feelings for this fellow aren't real and can't feel very intense, but it's more likely that what you feel for him is infatuation and not out and out love -- which can take a very long time to grow. There is no way to convince someone that you love them or that you're the right person for them to be with -- and this is true whether you're eighteen or eighty. Even if the guy likes you or is attracted to you in some way, he can turn against you if he feels pressured or even "stalked." Play it cool and possibly in time he'll come to see you in a different light. Better still, there might be another guy who is right for you -- who feels the same way about you that you feel about him -- just around the corner. Good luck!

Back on Schedule

My apologies to my readers and to people who have sent me questions. I have gotten back-logged due to dealing with some personal issues, including my being a caregiver for an elderly friend who has numerous issues of his own. I will be back on schedule very shortly, and will answer all questions in the order in which they were received. Hopefully the wait will not be too long.

Best, Dr. Bill

P.S. Thanks for reading!

Gay Sister Needs Help and Support

The following is a story from a gay man about his dearest friend, Angela, a lesbian, who was assaulted a while ago and has serious health issues. To paraphrase, she got into a confrontation with a man while walking her dogs, and woke up in a pool of blood. She did absolutely nothing to deserve this attack. In addition to having been diagnosed with a brain tumor [unrelated to the assault], she now has numerous injuries to her teeth, sinuses, and body. Dr. Bill "This is a call to action. As Angela's family is deceased, her friends are uniting to help heal her injuries from both her brain tumor and recent assault. This financial burden that has been thrust upon her makes me desperate for an opportunity to help. The only thing that I can think of is the most vulgar and desperate call for funds and publicity. So, I look to you for help. I’ve setup accounts with ChipIn.com and GiveForward.com. We have a very organized friend applying to the New York State's Victim's Assistance Fund and possibly setting up a 501-3c so that larger contributors can be confident of their donation. It’s a long road she’s got ahead of her. We’ll find the funding and the right doctor’s. In the meantime, you can follow Angela's progress at her site: http://www.angelagant.com If you want to let others know about Angela, I made a short film about my experiences with her: http://youtu.be/5KmSeUCJR-U If you can't view Youtube from your location, try the post I made to Vimeo: http://www.vimeo.com/22617356 Just pass it on. That’s all I can ask. Thanks." Richard Massey For more on this story, please contact Dr. Bill. Members of the LGBT community in New York City who need medical care should know about the Callen-Lorde Community Center which offers care to our community with payment on a sliding scale, based on ability to pay. Dr. Bill

Finding Out If He's Into Guys

Hello Dr. B,
I am a out bisexual, and a friend of mine, who I new in middle school, came back into my life a few months ago, now all my friends think he is gay and I really want to ask him out. But I don't want to do that unless I am sure of his sexuality cause I don't want to kill this friendship if I am wrong. My question is how do I go about finding out if he is gay or bi, do I ask him or do I find out a different way, and then how do I ask him out? Thanks for the help.

The best way to find out an individual's sexual orientation is to bring up the subject of homosexuality in casual conversation. This will at least give you some idea of how they feel about people who are attracted to their own sex. A very negative reaction doesn't necessarily mean that the person can't be gay, and may often indicate that they could be dealing with issues of self-hatred. Or he may have a very positive attitude, and be a sympathetic straight person or someone who is gay and not yet ready to come out. I would suggest being open with him about your own sexuality if you haven't already done so. Only an honest and open conversation can tell you what you want to know. [Unfortunately, some people who are gay or bi are simply not ready to come out to others.] If he's going to want to end the friendship simply because you're attracted to men, then he's probably not worth having as a friend. Once you determine that he is gay -- if he is or is willing to admit it -- you can tell him that you are interested in taking your friendship to a different level; that is, you're interested in dating him. [You may already be aware that there are men and women, without necessarily being "biphobic," who are not comfortable dating bisexuals, seeing them, rightly or wrongly, as gays who aren't fully comfortable with themselves.] Even if he's gay, he may still be more comfortable with just a friendship. If that's the case, remain friends with him if you can, and look for love in other places. Good luck!

OPPRESSION OF GAYS IN TURKEY

Dear LGBTT Friend,

We are a LGBTT social network based in Turkey broadcasting to Middle East. Yet we are not a massive site, we serve the gay population in this region with various sections such as gay news, forum, chat and radio broadcasting. We have more than 200.000 members.

Our site has been shut down by the Turkish Telecommunication Directorate (TIB) recently. Sites with LGBTT content are being shut down one by one.

Our site can not be reached from many places in Turkey anymore. Please help us make ourselves heard and reach more people. Our site does not contain any spam or badware. View www.hadiGAYri.com

Numerous sites supported us on this by giving links and making news. A few of them are below:

http://gaymiddleeast.com/news/news%20281.htm

http://www.kaosgl.com/icerik/hadigayricom_tekrar_kapatildi

We are asking you to give links to www.hadiGAYri.com at your site and make news of this matter.

I'm happy to post your information and wish you good luck with these sites. Let's hope someday that the world-wide oppression of LGBT people, which is worse in some countries than others, will finally be ended.

A Film to Help Fund a Fight Against Cancer

Bill, I'm looking for help publicizing my friend's fight with cancer. I'm looking to raise funds for her medical expenses through sales of the film she produced. Here's the story: http://www.backpagemovie.com/blog/ All funds from the sale of the film go to her treatment. Oh, and the film's pretty fun, too. Thanks, Richard This film will help a lesbian sister with her medical expenses in her fight against cancer. Please check out the web site and buy the DVD. Thanks, readers. Bill

Love at First Wink

Dear Dr. Bill, My fiance and I are fighting for marriage equality. We created a website, LoveAtFirstWink.com (I winked on Match.com and we fell in love!), that's filled with resources, articles, organizations, and ways to fight for marriage equality and support the freedom to marry. It also includes our stories and photos so we can put a real couple to the face of marriage equality, not just judges and politicians. Our current initiative is to campaign to become the first same-sex couple to win a national wedding contest. The contest we've entered is the Crate&Barrel Ultimate Wedding. Currently we are the #1 LGBT couple and we stand in 2nd place out of 7,000+ entries. GLAAD has written about us: http://bit.ly/dEajV9 Freedom To Marry has too: http://bit.ly/ey6VDw We are contacting you for your support and endorsement. We'd like to see if there is a way we can work together to promote our cause. Please visit our website http://www.loveatfirstwink.com or go directly to our entry: http://www.loveatfirstwink.com/vote This won’t work without your help. We need votes to get the media attention marriage equality deserves. Sincerely, Robbie & Allen Founders www.LoveAtFirstWink.com Hey, guys. You've got my vote! And my support and endorsement. Gay couples should be able to marry in every state of the union and get all the benefits of marriage that straight couples enjoy [domestic partnership is not enough]. Readers, please check out their web site. Bill

Counting Yourself Out

At what point should a gay man hang up his spurs and accept that his sexual life is behind him? Isn't it better to face reality than to force rejection over and over again? What do you think? Depressed.

The answer to that question depends on the individual, and it isn't just gay men who have to contemplate that dangerous reality as they get older. Nowadays older people of all persuasions are having longer erotic lives, which is all for the better. A lot also depends on such factors as whether or not one is in a relationship and if it's getting harder or impossible to find what you're looking for.

Obviously, unless he's in an open relationship, a man with a life partner's only concern is to, ahem, keep the home fires burning. I assume you're single, and -- as we say -- of a certain age. But remember that nowadays thanks to the Internet and sites like silver daddies and daddyhunt -- as well as a change in attitudes [in part brought about by the bear movement, which says that a man needn't be young, slender or handsome to be attractive or even sexy to others] the age of desirability has been extended. Men in their sixties and older are going out on dates and yes, getting laid! [And remember there are younger men -- non-hustlers -- who are attracted to older guys.]

I would say to anyone who feels that it's time to pack it in when it comes to cruising and/or Internet dating -- give it a little more time. Everyone has a dry spell now and then and when you get older that dry spell can sometimes last a long time [but not always]. Be realistic in who you go after, taking an equally realistic appraisal of yourself. You may no longer be -- may have never been -- some handsome hunk or porn star type, but that doesn't mean you're not somebody's type. As men age, we sometimes have to adjust to the fact that our partners will age as well. And what's wrong with that? [This is directed at guys who insist on only dating much younger men -- big mistake!] If a man is rejected "over and over again," maybe he's approaching the wrong men, or should set his sights a little lower.

Every man and woman, gay or straight, on the planet will eventually reach a point or age [and it's unique for each individual] when they can no longer attract sex partners of any kind, but even then a person can have a rewarding life of culture, friendship, and fun -- only of a differing variety. But don't rush things. Some guys count themselves out way too early and never know what they're missing!

And there's always that old standby -- five finger exercise!

So, Depressed -- don't be depressed. Even after the sexual age is over, there's still a lot of life to be lived!

Close-mouthed Male Friend

I have a male friend that identifies as being bisexual (he has only told me this), however, he has been living with a male "roommate" for many years. I want to have a good friendship with him, but I feel as if he is not really bisexual, to me he is gay. I've told him on more than one occasion that his sexual preferences make no difference to me, I like him just as he is. I feel like I have shared so much of my own personal life with him, yet he is so closed with me. I haven't met any of his other friends, nor have I met his roommate. Basically, I feel like we are at a roadblock. If he cannot open up to me and share of himself, then maybe we shouldn't be friends? I am having a really hard time understanding him, and the last thing I want to see is the friendship to end. Is there something more I need to say or do to help him open up?

Thanks!
P.S.
We've been friends for over a year now.

You haven't identified yourself as male or female, gay or straight, but since you don't indicate any romantic feelings for the guy I guess it doesn't make any difference. It does seem odd that you say you've been friends with the man yet you've never met his roommate [who could be just a roommate and roommates aren't always friends, hence no introduction] or any of his other friends. It may be that he has a good time in your company and doesn't feel a need to bring in other people or the two of you may share interests that his other friends don't share.

As for whether he's bi or gay, many gay people identify as bi for a certain period in their lives, and this may be the case with him. Again, unless you are a woman with romantic feelings for the man, his true sexual orientation shouldn't be a problem.

It's true that part of friendship is sharing your personal feelings with one another, but some people are simply more private than others. You can't expect someone to open up to you if that's not their style just because you've opened up to them. You've told him you don't care about his preferences or personal life, so if he chooses not to go into them with more detail, that's his choice. If he always avoids giving answers to your questions, that's a sign that for some reason he's not comfortable talking about it with you or possibly with anyone.

You might casually ask if his roommate is actually his lover, and see what kind of reaction you get. Don't end the friendship if you enjoy his company; as time goes by he may open up to you much more.

Yet another gal with possibly gay boyfriend

I recently met a guy who is about 6 years older than me and proclaimed he is looking for a real relationship and marriage. He talks a good game about what a great guy he is and he knows how to treat a lady, no problem with paying the bills, blah blah blah. But I truly suspect that he is gay. He says things like he's tired of giving himself to someone and having it go nowhere. He also texted me pictures of himself that I can't see any straight man having ever sent. Lastly he never talks about sex. I threw a few innuendos out there like a fisherman casting a net... Trying to give him the opportunity to come clean but he totally avoids it. Is it rude to ask him out right, before this goes any further, I have suspicions about you being gay, are you?

Frankly, nothing you've said about the guy necessarily adds up to his being gay or raises any red flags with me. You don't describe the photos, but nowadays even straight guys pose for and send out sexy pictures of themselves. Straight men can also "give of themselves" to women and wind up heartbroken. It may simply be that this guy is different from other straight guys that you've dated who may have had commitment phobia or otherwise been insensitive.

Rather than flat out asking him if he's gay you can at least get his attitudes toward the subject by casually mentioning a gay friend, talking about gay marriage or gays in the military, starting a discussion on the subject. Make it clear you have no problem with gay people [I hope you don't] because if he is gay he probably won't come out to you. A virulently homophobic man is often hiding something, which could be repressed homosexual feelings or some other feelings of inadequacy.

If all else fails you can laugh and tell him "I've never met a straight guy like you before. You're not gay, are you, ha, ha?"

You might find this post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay helpful. Good luck.

Women and Gay Men

One thing has become clear to me since I started this blog.

Whether they think of themselves as gay, bi or straight, there are still a lot of guys in the closet and who are in denial of their true sexuality.

And there are a great number of women who either have gay boyfriends or even husbands, or are afraid that they do. [I rarely hear from men who are afraid their wives or girlfriends are lesbians.]

It would be all too easy to dismiss these letters out of hand, but I recognize that these women are confused -- it's their lives and futures they're worried about. No one wants to invest a lot of time in a relationship only to discover that it's a sham. Some women are deeply conflicted because on one hand they are in love and want to have happy, healthy marriages, but on the other, they don't want a possibly gay partner to be repressed and miserable and in the closet.

Below are a sample of some of the letters. Some of the situations are very similar, and others have their own unique aspects.

Gal with Gay Boyfriend?

Hi,
I am a straight female and a little confused about my boyfriend's orientation. A week ago he told me his friend (they are good friends) slept over and his sister said to him, " I wouldn't be surprised if you and your friend got married." Yesterday I got a message from his friend saying that '"your boyfriend may be secretly gay." At school one time I saw them hugging after I headed to class and thought it was a joke. I have tried to ask him a few times and his response was a sad face T_T and that I am thinking silly things. What other things can I do ?
Thanks

Hugging and sleepovers and phone messages don't necessarily add up to a gay relationship. It's possible that these people are having fun with your fears. Then, it's also possible that your boyfriend may be attracted to other men. [For now we won't get into gay or bi.]

When he's in a receptive mood, you can simply start a conversation on homosexuality, gay friends, gay marriage -- something along those lines. The important thing is to get the discussion started. You can slowly work your way into his sexuality, but you must make it clear that you are not accusing him of anything, and that you think being gay is okay [which I hope you do]. The important thing is to keep him from getting defensive.

As his girlfriend, you certainly have a right to know if there's something going on between him and this male friend of his. It's not a question of being judgmental, but of knowing exactly where you stand and what kind of future you can realistically expect with him. You have a right to ask what's up.

Good Luck!

Another Gal with a Gay Boyfriend?

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and things seem to be a bit rough recently. My boyfriend, as our relationship progressed, has become very emotional
and gets angry very easily. If things don't go his way, he either turns away like a girl would or whines until things change. I have been putting up with it for a while, and sat down with my mom and told her. She asked me if maybe he was confused, as in sexually. And things
began to click. He always cares about his appearance, he has a strange love for shoes (male shoes however, air jordans) but has purple and gold shoes in his collection. He has feminine gestures, he sings always falsetto (says he's joking) and is very very self-conscious. He says
he can't be like he is around me in front of people. He's always asking me if i love him and if I care about him, which I do. He also will get upset if I don't kiss him right when I see him, and cuddles with me like he is the girl. Our sexual past was never rough, but we
don't have sex anymore on my call. I have a gay cousin who is in his late 20s who said he could tell he was gay from the moment he met him, a lot of my family agreed. I've been pushing myself away because of the arguing but the pain of him possibly being gay is devastating. How may I approach him in a way that won't offend him? I really need to know if this relationship is real anymore. If necessary to know, we are both freshman in college. I've known him my entire life and he was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. I've dated a
couple guys in between our relationship, I am his only girlfriend. His father is in the military and his mother strongly opposes gays from the bible standards, which I could see as a road block for him. I appreciate what you do, and hope to hear from you. I'm really upset
and confused :/ Thank you.

It is certainly possible that -- if your boyfriend is gay -- his upbringing might make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and it is also true that people come to a realization/acceptance of their gayness at different ages. While many people identify as gay long before they get to college, that is not always the case.

However, your reasons for thinking he's gay sort of add up to a mass of stereotypes. There are certainly heterosexual men who "turn away and whine" and who like to cuddle, and plenty of gay men who don't! Singing falsetto isn't a sign of homosexuality, either, nor is being self-conscious. Some men -- straight or gay -- are emotional or dramatic, and that's no real clue to sexual orientation, either. Neither is taking pride in your appearance. I think you've seen too many episodes of Will and Grace.

Even the feminine gestures you refer to aren't necessarily a sign of homosexuality, as I have met straight guys who are a bit feminine in some ways but are still, apparently, straight, (just as most of the gay men I've met aren't especially feminine). Of course there are "queens" or "femmes" in the gay male community who are quite stereotypical in their behavior, but believe me they are actually in the minority even if they tend to "stand out" a little more.

And so he wants a kiss immediately when he sees you. That makes him gay?

Then there's the fondness for shoes [what no Broadway musicals?]. If you catch him wearing your high heels you might have to worry, but even then it's more likely he's a transvestite than a gay guy. [Gay men generally have no interest in dressing in drag]. Maybe he has a foot fetish.

All kidding aside, the only red flag I really get here is possibly the fact that your gay cousin is certain he's gay. But he could still be mistaken.

If you caught him looking at gay porn on his laptop, that might be something. It would certainly be more of a eyebrow raiser than his purple and gold shoes, albeit that might be a little strange.

Click here for my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, which you might find helpful.

It's possible that the problem isn't that your boyfriend is gay, but that he's a control freak, judging from the way he sulks when he doesn't get his own way. It's also possible that you've got a somewhat romantic and eccentric straight guy on your hands.

Enjoy!

Gal with Gay Hubby Part 2

The following is from the young lady who submitted the question that was posted under Women with Gay Husband.

I wanted to thank you for helping me figure out some stuff about my husband. Inadvertently though it may be. [Thanks!] You mentioned that he is essentially going back in the closet by being with me. I thought that was totally crazy but upon talking to him we both realized it was totally true. He had two sides of himself, his gay side with his attraction for men and his gay friends and all that, and the side that was attracted to me, married to me and existed with people that know us as a couple. I did not realize how not integrated these two sides of him were. He was totally in the closet to his gay friends about his attraction for me (and yes he certainly is attracted to me) and also very uncomfortable admitting his gay feelings around our straight friends. So he is seeing a counselor on his own and learning to be honest with himself and with me about his feelings. We are way happier now than we have been in years (although we have never been unhappy, just a little less amazing) and all it took was him admitting his feelings. I didn’t know that he thought being married to me meant he "shouldn’t” be attracted to guys anymore. I would never want to change that. Now if he sees a guy he thinks is hot, he says so, to his co-workers, to me, whatever. And he is feeling way more comfortable with himself and we are having way better sex. Like we did in the beginning of our relationship. Both of us have to disagree with you on one thing though. Why do you not believe in bisexuality? Both my husband and I are attracted to both sexes. I consider myself more on the straight side since I am not emotionally attracted to women, and he considered himself more gay because he wasn’t normally sexually attracted to women. But he is to me and that’s what matters. So by definition I think we are both Bi. (TMI Warning: seriously, do gay guys get hard when they see a naked woman? Do gay guys like eating pussy?There has got to be some grey area here, don’t you think?) I am hoping that instead of denying any part of himself, he can begin to experience himself more fully. If that means he ends up leaving me for a guy, so be it. I wouldn’t want to keep him if he wasn’t truly happy. But he says he has been with lots of guys and a few girls and the point is he wants to be with me. I have no choice but to believe him and hope he is being truly honest. Like you said, only time will tell. I am still interested if you have any thoughts or ideas on how we can deal with our peculiar challenges.
Thanks,

I have never said that I "don't believe" in bisexuality. I won't speak for women, but I have almost never encountered a man who identified as bisexual who didn't say that his preference was men [which is even the case with your husband], and on the one or two occasions they didn't admit that I got the distinct impression they were lying. If you prefer your own sex, to me that means you're gay. I've met men with wives who call themselves bi but virtually every time they have extra-marital sex it's with another guy. That's not bi, that's gay.

The problem with any discussion of bisexuality is that when it comes to gay and straight there isn't an equal playing field. That is, no one gives a hoot if you're straight or in a hetero relationship, but unfortunately many people do care if you're gay or in a homosexual relationship. The battle for equality for gays -- including marriage equality -- has not yet been won, and in other countries being homosexual is still an offense punishable by death. Then we have the downLow and closet cases and gay teens committing suicide. Not twenty years ago but today. So you'll have to forgive me if it sometimes seems to me that in some cases "bisexuality" has become a kind of phony identity for people who are essentially gay or lesbian but just can't deal with that reality, as if the "bi" label is some kind of safety net. After all, once you fully open the closet door there's no way you can close it again. This doesn't mean that some people aren't genuinely bisexual, but my definition of that might be quite different from yours and others. But I'll save that for another post. [For the record I thought of myself as bisexual when I was in my early twenties.]

Gay men do sometimes get involved in hetero sex scenes -- sometimes drunken fooling around, sometimes sex for the sake of sex, sometimes a blow job feels good no matter what sex is giving it to you. This may very well be the gray area you're talking about. However, I will admit that human sexuality and psychology can be certainly be complex, so I wouldn't necessarily discount anything, although I reserve the right to be a doubting Thomas.

Gay men sometimes marry women. Some gay men simply feel more comfortable in straight relationships for any number of reasons. A study of this syndrome [although in these cases the wives did not know there husbands were attracted to men] indicated that these men suffered from self-esteem issues and had a terror of "bucking the system" [i.e. being unconventional]. Sadly, even in this day and age some men have a [often unconscious] craving for respectability and to them gay relationships are somehow not respectable. In other words, they can have sex with men, but are unable to have a relationship with another man. Hence the wife. And the bisexual label allows them to claim/feel that it's a real relationship [which in terms of friendship and caring it may well be]. [Even if a man is genuinely bisexual, say equally attracted to both sexes, his choosing a female partner/straight lifestyle might be indicative of the same syndrome.]

The gay/bi man in a straight relationship who is openly gay/bi isn't completely new, but it is relatively unique compared to the closet queen syndrome I mentioned above, and it does, as you've noted, have its own unique challenges [though at least you can get married].

But sheesh, give me a break here. I started this blog to advise people on homosexuality and gay issues, and to help people in gay relationships, not to help a gay guy [remember men are his preference] who's in a straight relationship! I've never denied that I think gay men should be with men. Of course your husband has the right to do whatever he wants with his life -- get married to a woman, become an ex-gay [Lord save us!], be openly bi, whatever, but you''ll have to understand that his situation is not something I can necessarily relate to. Also, never having heard his side of the story, I'm really not comfortable in advising him in absentia.