Thursday, August 29, 2013

Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him. 

Boyfriend Stares at Men

I'm kind of convinced the guy I've been dating for 6 months may be gay. He stares at other men ALL the time; only wants oral from me (says sex with a condom is difficult); and now seems to be attempting to interact with a tranny on FB whom he is not friends with (okay, he liked one post but there seems to be "straight" men buzzing about her page). I've asked him twice (sort of) if he was gay; once when we were in bed. He simply said no. I called him out when we were out one night. He stared at several men for a prolonged period of time. Upon hearing my assertion that he stared at men too long he got angry.

A few nights ago he stared at several men on the way home. He kept on looking back at me to see if I was looking ... I was.

Your thoughts? I want to say my instincts are right. He has loads of other issues I don't have time to discuss including some nerve and back problems which makes me understand the lack of sex but not his odd -- for a "straight guy" -- behaviour.

Many thanks!

Well, frankly, his staring at other guys -- and especially his trying to do it surreptitiously -- is a big red flag. Also, some men who are attracted to other men are initially interested in trans women or drag queens because they see them as women [of course trans women are women] but are turned on by the masculine connection -- a drag queen is still a guy and has a penis, while a trans woman once had a penis [or still does if she hasn't had surgery yet]. Men who get sexually involved with them can tell themselves they're not really having sex with a man [which is true in the case of the Trans woman, but not with the drag queen.]

I would say this fellow at least has some attraction for men but isn't ready to be upfront about it. The problem is, until he's ready, you don't know if he's gay or genuinely bi, and if the latter, if his preference [if he's totally honest with himself] is men, in which case he might as well be gay. Who needs a conflicted boyfriend who may be planning sexual escapades behind your back?

Try and draw him out in a sympathetic, non-judgmental way. If he seems deceptive or hostile, you're probably better off moving on.  

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Gay/LGBT resources online

Dear Bill,

Hello, my name is Joseph Atkins. I'm the webmaster and editor of the
Gay Dating Blog. We regularly compile lists about different LGBT dating,
relationship, and other social topics. Earlier today, we published a new resource:
"Top 50 LGBT Google+ Pages Worth Following". I thought you may want to have a look:

We would appreciate if you could link to our article if you think
that your audience may find it of interest. 
And of course, please feel free to e-mail me with any questions or
suggestions for the list.


Joseph Atkins // Gay Dating Blog

Twitter: @GayDatingNet

Thank you. This is a list of gay/LGBT web sites and resources on a variety of subjects, including activism, gay dads, children of gays, dating sites, and so on. Check it out! 


Gay or Not?

Dear Bill, I been with my boyfriend for almost a year and I am now pregnant. I been having problems with him texting females. After a recent break up, I was getting on my computer and I noticed his Gmail account was still up so I decided to go through it. While going through it, I saw a message, what I thought was from a female website, but turned out to be a bi/gay website. His name was very intimate like he had been on a gay website before. And I saw where a guy sent him his number and he replied OK. Since he is very secretive and protective over his phone, I'm not sure if he ever contacted the guy. I immediately called his sister, and later she asked him about it in a deep conversation and he said he didn't have a Gmail account then later replied that maybe someone hacked his name. If it were hacked then why was he logged on to my computer with that exact profile?? He later stated that he was gonna commit suicide. So we got back together but I can't think of him as the same guy. He is not a very sensitive person, he is more thuggish actually. I don't notice too much homophobia coming from him. I'm scared to ask why he was on that website so I don't know what to do. I do love him but I can't be with him if he likes men. It's one thing to cheat with a woman but its another level to cheat with a man. I need your help. 

It's very difficult to be with someone who keeps secrets with you and isn't honest about himself. He is probably struggling to accept his attraction to men, and unable to admit it to others just yet. If you haven't done so already, you have to sit him down and with love and sympathy and in a non-judgmental way, ask him some tough questions. You're absolutely right that it is a whole different level if a man cheats on his wife or girlfriend with men, because that indicates that he might well be gay and should have a male partner. You have a right to know what's going on with the guy and the truth about his sexual orientation. If he is gay, or a possibly bisexual man whose preference -- if he's totally honesty with himself -- is men, then a long-term relationship with him becomes problematic.

There are "macho" -- or as you put it -- thuggish men who are gay and who are ashamed of and embarrassed by it. They often seek out women to use as beards (cover-ups) and to sleep with to prove they are "men." Their attitudes are, sadly, very out of date, but there are many guys like this still around. Hopefully he can learn to accept himself and could probably use some counseling. It's tough for you to have a gay boyfriend, but hopefully both of you can agree to care for your child while moving on with more appropriate partners.