Wednesday, November 24, 2010



Give thanks that you're gay and out and proud, and hope that everyone ashamed and in the closet, living a lie, will one day feel comfortable and proud enough to be and say who they really are!

Hope to maintain a regular weekly schedule in the new year, but will continue posting throughout the holidays. Keep those questions coming!

Bill Schoell

Hateful Married Homosexual

I'd like your opinion on something that happened to me. Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was not comfortable being gay and who left me for a woman with money [he also enjoyed the good life]. Both of these people were simply horrible to me back in the day. He admitted he was not bi or attracted to women, and I felt he was being unfair both to himself and to her by marrying her just to be financially comfortable and to play at being straight [to please his parents]. I even told her we had been boyfriends and she said he told her that he was straight and I was a 'fag' who was in love with him. Anyway, I avoided this toxic couple, moved on, had another lover for many years who died a couple of years ago.

My ex-lover and his wife have stayed married for many years and managed to have two children, although I hear one is adopted. I have seen my ex-boyfriend -- I'll call him Chuck -- in gay bars making out with guys and dragging them home [while the wife is out of town] many times over the years.

Just recently I was on a date and encountered this man and his wife at a social function. I barely recognized him, but he definitely remembered me, sized up my attractive new boyfriend [ certainly compared to his fat wife] and began making rude, homophobic comments. His wife even joined in. They made a terrible impression with the other people in the group, who thought they were boorish and narrow-minded. You don't know the half of it, I said.

The other night I got photos of him french kissing a guy at a gay bar. My question is: should I email them to his wife [I have her work email].

Hell, that's what I would do! I don't believe in outing people most of the time -- it's a personal decision a pivotal, important moment in a gay person's life -- but all bets are off if the party concerned is publicly homophobic . This guy did you enough damage -- and he's still trying to do it. His self-hatred has spread out to encompass a man -- you -- who has lived a happy gay life while he's stuck in a closet having furtive affairs, terrified his bill-paying wife will find out.

Click send, baby!

The Big Kiss-Off?

All my boyfriend ever wants to do is smooch, smooch,smooch, but when I try to do something a little bit sexier, y'know fellatio, analism, he backs off. We get naked, and we make out -- and that's it! He seems very, very attracted to me as I am to him, but I can't figure out why he doesn't want to have sex. When I put it to him he just says, "I really like kissing." Forget about a blow job, he won't even touch my dick. I just can't figure out what's going on? Am I with the wrong guy?

Don't jump to conclusions. There are people who prefer kissing over everything else, but I'd be willing to bet that this guy simply wants to stick to very safe sex. However, the fact that he won't even indulge in mutual masturbation -- totally safe -- is a little odd. It may be that he has an abnormal fear of AIDS [safe -- or at least safer -- sex can include other things besides kissing], or perhaps he's HIV positive and can't bring himself to tell you. [For the record it's very unlikely that HIV can be spread via kissing unless both parties have bleeding gums. Even then it's not a given, just a possibility. Contact GMHC -- Gay Men's Health Crisis -- if you have more questions.]

I suggest you sit down and put the question to him, no matter how awkward it may be. Even if he is HIV positive, you can still enjoy safe sex with one another.

But remember, some people are really into kissing. Enjoy!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Man with Boyfriend Wants Wife

I'm a 28 year old guy and i have been bisexual since I was a teenager, but i was exclusively gay in the past 10 years with complete self-acceptance as a homosexual. My boyfriend and i were together for 4 years but now all of a sudden i started seeing my best "girl friend" from another view rather than just as a friend. I confessed to her and she knows everything about me (we're friends for 11 years or so) and we started getting more intimate; she said she can accept whatever happened in the past but once we are committed that's it for monkey business with a girl or with a guy. i totally understand her wish but i am so confused now with a lot of questions that turned my life upside down & is causing me continuous anxiety and depression

-Will i be able to do it?? All other forums and people's experiences say they couldn't do it and at some point of my life i would be unable to suppress same-sex feelings and i never ever wanna think of putting her into this [situation].

-i feel terrible for my boyfriend who believes i am only doing this because i have a strong parental instinct and if I have a child it has to be my own child.

Is it true that i really want to get married to her and constitute our own family (i see her as the perfect match mind-wise and fun-wise) or am i just deceiving myself and it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance and have the kids i want( i'm from the Middle east in a country where homosexuals face complete social rejection)

i would hate myself if i realized too late that this is the case as i will be just using her! i also feel terrible for my boyfriend , and i don't know how can i help him and help myself , we're both having extremely hard times trying to change the image of me and him living together in the future although we can still be friends but nothing more.

Sometimes when i think of it, i'm like yeah this is the life i want, a loving and understanding wife, kids and a nice family life but sometimes i'm like no, it can't be like that all of sudden , i have never thought of marriage....EVER and you should know i am 80% attracted to males and only 20% attracted to females.

Well, I think you've just answered your own question. At times you say you're bisexual and at others homosexual, but it's clear that whatever you are your preference is men. Just the fact that you're wondering if your "straight" feelings are genuine or if they come from your doubts about your future as a gay man in a hostile atmosphere tells the story. I realize that for some people, especially those who live in countries much more hostile to homosexuals, it would be easier to be straight, but wishing it just doesn't make it so. By trying to live a straight life you might only be doing harm to yourself, the woman you profess to love, and especially your boyfriend.

First, read what I have to say about "mixed marriages" where one partner is straight and the other is gay. Click here.

You say that you're feeling confused and depressed. It is no coincidence that this has happened just after you left your boyfriend and decided to make your bff [best female friend] your lover or wife. I think the truth is obvious and you said it yourself when you wrote: it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance.

You can't make a total commitment to your girlfriend because a.) you're still in love with your boyfriend and b.) you're basically gay.

If you honestly feel that your boyfriend is not the right man for you for any reason, that doesn't mean you should seek happiness with a member of the opposite sex. I realize that living in an oppressive environment as you do makes things that much more difficult -- to put it mildly -- but if you and your partner have enough love for each other you can triumph over adversity. Your girlfriend can remain a friend who's there for you when you need her.

In the U.S. we have people that are known as "ex-gays." These are homosexual men and women who are full of self-hatred and/or simply feel that their lives will be easier if they are straight, or at least appear to be, so they enter into sham marriages. The vast majority of these people are unable to suppress their true instincts [a terrible thing to do in any case] and wind up having clandestine affairs with members of their own sex. People can't change their sexual orientation no matter how much they may want to.

The truth is, if you're afraid that you'll only be using this woman in your life, that is probably just what you'll be doing.

99% of gay liberation is in the head, as we used to say in the Gay Activists Alliance of New York. That means, if you accept that you're gay -- and that there's nothing wrong in being gay -- you can deal with everything else -- it will give you the strength to persevere.

Good luck!

BMF is Gay -- Is Marriage in the Cards?

Dear Dr. Bill,

I have came across your blog, when searching about "straight women marrying Gays". I am X from Jordan-Amman. I would appreciate if this is kept confidential. I have no one to talk to about this. I have been attracted to my best friend (guy), and my attraction became too confused, because I had people telling me he is gay, and many saying he is so to me; some people, however, assumed we are in a relationship, and should get married.

Anyhow, our relationship got stronger in the past year. And just recently we both decided to confront each other with a secret. I am attracted to him, and he is Gay. and complete shock for both of us. He is not out of the closet, and he is telling me is is bisexual, yet mentally attracted to men. I am the second person to know about this. Yet he also is attracted to me, not emotionally he says, he also wishes he was straight to be with me, and have our children together; but it is not possible because he believes he will resent us one day.

My question is: is it in any way possible that we can be together, marry and have a family? keeping in mind the freedom he has to enjoy other men's companionship?

Kindly, I appreciate your time and sorry for long email.

No problem. I have to be blunt and tell you that your boyfriend is giving you very clear warnings. He calls himself bisexual, but being gay [or straight] is about more than sex. If he cannot have an emotional -- in other words, a romantic -- connection to a woman, as you say he's told you, than he is not really bisexual, but gay. In other words, as distressing as this may be to you, he may be able to have sex with you, but you can never really win his heart; he just isn't in love with you. A gay man can only have true romantic feelings for another man.

I appreciate that you obviously have deep feelings for this man, but if he is only marrying you because he can't deal with being gay or wants biological children, then you're just being unfair to yourself and ultimately to him as well. Even if you have an "open" marriage that allows him to be with men on the side, why would you want to be with a man who can never fully love you?

Men and women in your situation often do marry but the gay husband can not change his orientation. In the U.S. we have "ex-gays" who enter into sham marriages but they still remain homosexual. I think people deserve better, don't you? [Even in a country that is more oppressive in regards to gay people than the U.S. is.]

You can read more about "mixed" gay/straight marriages and why they don't work here.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Unhealthy Bears?

I realize that the point of the bear movement is to recognize that men who may not be conventionally attractive can still have appeal to many. But doesn't the bear movement also encourage an unhealthy lifestyle? I see all these very fat guys and can't imagine that being so overweight is good for them. What do you think?

I think you have a point. Of course we have to remember that there are out of shape people who live till 90 and 45-year-olds who stay fit and trim yet still drop dead of a heart attack on the tennis court. So much of it has to do with genes and other aspects of one's lifestyle.

The stereotypical bear is basically a big, jolly, fat guy [without getting into Santa Claus]. But there are many types of bears -- muscle bears, bear cubs, otters [thinner bears -- my classification but I have to watch the calories to stay within it], and so on. A bear is simply a gay guy with hair on his face and body. Many bears do go to the gym.

But I do think the -- for lack of a better word -- obsession some men have over very large men has its downside. As men grow older it is still important to stay in shape. If a fat bear loses weight he may lose some admirers -- the chubby chasers, for instance -- but hopefully he will gain a whole lot more.

Paranoid about the Down Low

Dr. Bill, I just read your response to 'Asking your boyfriend if he is gay' 4 Mar 2010. My fear that my boyfriend has been with other men could be due to paranoia. I watch TV and hear about men on the 'down-low'; men giving their wives/girlfriends AIDs and I am afraid. So, how do I really know, how do I confront my boyfriend and ask him if he has been with men and not offend him? Thank you Ms. Paranoid

First of all, there's no real need to confront your boyfriend unless you have concrete reasons for thinking he's attracted to other men and acting on those attractions. [I give some of the reasons for being suspicious on that earlier post.] Because there seem to be so many men even in these more enlightened days who are attracted to men but married to or involved with women, I suppose it can make some women a little paranoid. But remember that there are many more genuinely heterosexual men then there are gay or bi men, so the odds are in your favor.

If you feel a need to broach the subject with your boyfriend, you can say you found out a friend of yours is gay and see what his reaction is. This will hopefully lead into a discussion on homosexuality and you can monitor his opinions on the subject. You can playfully ask if he ever experimented in that direction. A lot will depend on his reactions to what you say. If he admits that he "experimented" you can ask for a fuller explanation. As I've said many times, a man who has had sex or relationships with other men in the past doesn't suddenly become heterosexual. It just doesn't work that way.

But unless he's getting sexy emails from guys, has joined a gay dating service, or has gay porn on his computer, chances are that your boyfriend is straight.

As I said in the earlier post, if you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.