Gay -- or Commitment Phobic?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years.  When we began dating he knew that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives. After a year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children and everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our relationship when he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger in his anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober he said he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became single and he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to tell me that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was confused about his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He has no children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children or a family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said “I need you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again which I don’t think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you in my life" and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather role in my children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.

Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.

I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill

Gay, Straight or Bi?

Hi Bill

I've been reading both your blogs recently, and would really interested to hear your opinion concerning my sexuality.

Hi, I'm going to answer you within the body of your email in bold like this. 

I am a guy in my mid-thirties, gay-identified and have been since I was a teenager. I first realized I was strongly attracted to men (both sexually and emotionally) when I was in my early teens. I have only ever had crushes on men, never on women.  I have not come out to my parents or any members of my family, though I've told almost all of my friends that I'm gay. I have two brothers, one of whom is gay and is out to both my parents. I feel a lot of shame and sadness about this, because I feel like it would be a double blow for my mother if I came out also (no grand kids, etc). Gay couples can adopt children so your parents can have grand kids.

I have always had an inferiority complex about my sexuality, never truly feeling like I'm a "real guy". I definitely feel inferior in social situations where I'm around 'manly' straight men, particularly sporty ones. I don't always feel this way, sometimes I feel proud and confident to be different, but quite often I give into feelings of inferiority. This is not unusual. Even today, society spreads the message that gay men are not really men. Even straight men can feel "inferior" if they aren't into [stereo]typical male pursuits, such as sports. The thing to remember is that the gay male community [not to mention the straight male community] is very diverse, and you are free to make your own choices based on what you like and don't like. If sports aren't your bag, who cares? Do what you enjoy. In any case, as we used to say in New York's Gay Activist Alliance -- the country's first militant [non-violent] gay rights group -- "99% of gay liberation is in the head."

When I was around 16 my parents started buying a right-wing newspaper which regularly featured negative articles on homosexuality. Perhaps I should have just stop reading it, but I was fascinated by what these journalists were saying; that homosexuality is a perversion, that it's a some kind of distortion of natural sexuality explained by the Freudian principle of over-attachment to the mother and envy of the father's penis or whatever, or that many gays are that way because they've been molested. [these are all out-dated and completely discredited theories that SCIENCE has proven incorrect.] 

 I felt angry at the hateful tone of the articles, but also vulnerable and afraid that maybe they were right, maybe my sexuality is just a sham. I started to question my upbringing "Maybe I was overly molly-coddled because I was the youngest?" "Did I have some trauma that provoked it?" "Was it down to feeling inferior to other kids at school?" and so on. I became desperately insecure, starting to feel like I was a freak. I felt so cruel, you know?, because at school I constantly heard guys make horrible remarks about fags and homos, and there was this national newspaper, written by adults, seemingly backing them up.All the latest research pretty much indicates that gay people are born that way. There is a wonderful organization called TRUTH WINS OUT that deals with the groups that spread the homophobic lies you're referring to. You might check out their website.

Then when I was 18, my closest gal pal, to whom I had recently come out, started an argument with me when we were out one night. She very forcefully argued that I couldn't possibly know I was gay because I hadn't had sex with a woman. Jeez, this is the hokey old argument: a man is only gay until he meets the right woman. It is not to be taken seriously. She said she she had worried that she might be a lesbian when she was younger, and that she had slept with a woman once and that it helped her realize she was heterosexual after all. If she actually had sex with a female she is at least bisexual and is kidding herself and you can tell her I said so. She kept angrily saying that heterosexual sex is the most beautiful, natural thing and totally superior to anything a man could do with a man or a woman could do with a woman (just to make it clear, she wasn't offering to sleep with me, just her opinion). Her attitude is entirely homophobic. [Perhaps fueled by her own homo-erotic feelings and her guilt over same.] There is absolutely no reason to think love between two men or two women is somehow inferior to love between a man and a woman. This is just religious-based prejudice.

I went home that night feeling crushed. Though I was angry at what she said, at the same time I was terrified she was right. What if my whole sexual identity was a total sham? I felt like a failure (and still do) because I was a heterosexual virgin. I started to look at images of straight sex on cable channels and found, to my horror, that some of the images turned me on. Even a particular image of a woman's breasts turned me on. I thought "My God! They were right after all!" I suddenly remembered a few times in my childhood when I was aroused looking at a woman's breasts in pictures, though these were far outnumbered by memories of very intense same-sex desires. I felt sick, like I was a total fraud, and fell into a deep depression that took months to recover from.Listen, being gay doesn't mean you find women repulsive, or can't sleep with women, or can't on occasion find a woman or breasts or what-have-you somehow sexy. As people used to say, "flesh is flesh." The whole thing has to do with preference. More on which in a moment.

Since then, In have only had sexual encounters with men, and still have no desire to pursue a sexual relationship with a woman; I just don't desire them sexually and romantically. But the old thoughts of "nothing is as good as straight sex", "women's bodies are built for pleasure, guys' aren't" still haunt me, and I still feel turned by thoughts or images of straight sex, particularly when the focus is on the guy instead of the woman, and I occasionally feel turned on by looking certain types of women's breasts, but never women themselves, like the whole person. Part of me thinks "this is crap! you're gay and just fetishizing 'normal' sex, you don't have to sleep with a woman if you don't want to!" I think you've hit the nail on the head here! while another part of me thinks "sleeping with a woman would "turn me", placing my penis inside a vagina would make realize I'm straight after all because the feeling would be so pleasurable, that a gay man who hasn't had sex with a woman doesn't have the right to call himself gay. That last thought really gnaws away at me.

Okay, I know a lot of gay men. Some of them have never slept with women because, like you, they honestly have no desire to. Others slept with women before they accepted their homosexuality, even got married and had children or went through a period when they thought -- hoped -- they were bi. Now they all identify as gay. The latter group may be glad they have children, but they also spent years if not decades with the wrong partner [wrong sex], hurt the women in their lives very badly when they finally came out, and wasted years being in the closet and having casual encounters instead of a full relationship. Surely that isn't what you want?

Also, sleeping with a woman does not turn a gay [ or legitimately bi] man straight. It just doesn't work that way. There are what we call "ex-gays" [again, see Truth Wins Out] who pair up with members of the opposite sex, have children, but in their heart of hearts they are still homosexual and generally lapse. They have NOT turned straight; all they've done is given in to society's negative attitudes. It all has to do with self-hatred instead of self-acceptance.  

What do you think Bill? This whole thing has really affected my self-esteem, and is ruining my ability to go out and find a nice man! I feel like a fraud, like gays are made not born (surely the times I got turned on by the breasts proves that?! not really ) that I don't have a right to a gay identity because one time with a woman would make me straight? Again, it just doesn't work that way, even if you have successful intercourse with a woman as many gay men have had.

I really don't want to have sex with a woman, the thought upsets me, but these thoughts keep coming back to me. If you don't want to sleep with a woman -- which could simply turn out to be a embarrassing, unfair situation for both you and the woman -- then don't. [Frankly, it's not that big a deal.] You've got to get over this whole notion that a man isn't really a man unless he's fucking women. It's out-dated and simply untrue. I mean, if it matters to you, I know a macho fighter pilot who had five children and then came out as gay, totally gay. And other gay men who never slept with women, yet distinguished themselves in such butch professions as firefighter and police officer. Having sex with women is not what makes a man a "man" and you have absolutely nothing to prove. I know that some essentially gay men pursue and sleep with women just to feel more manly, but all they're really doing is denying themselves, cruelly using the women in their lives, and being totally delusional about themselves as well.

Do you think I'm gay, bi or straight? And whatever I am, how can I boost my self-esteem and find peace? Would really value any advice you can offer.

Here it is: Based on everything you've told me, I would say you're definitely gay. Finding women's breasts aesthetically pleasing or even sexy in some way does not make you heterosexual or bi, not when you have no real sexual or romantic feelings for women but only for men. Sexuality can be very confusing and complicated. A man can be essentially gay and occasionally find women attractive without necessarily being bisexual, and even if he were, there is still the question of overwhelming preference. I would say your overwhelming preference is men. I believe you have been surrounded by homophobic attitudes and anti-gay "friends" with extremely negative opinions. You say your gay brother is Out, but is he also hung up about his homosexuality?

Stop hating yourself for being gay. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city get some counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly individual. 

As I have said for many years now IT'S OKAY TO BE GAY!

BMF is Gay -- Is Marriage in the Cards?

Dear Dr. Bill,

I have came across your blog, when searching about "straight women marrying Gays". I am X from Jordan-Amman. I would appreciate if this is kept confidential. I have no one to talk to about this. I have been attracted to my best friend (guy), and my attraction became too confused, because I had people telling me he is gay, and many saying he is so to me; some people, however, assumed we are in a relationship, and should get married.

Anyhow, our relationship got stronger in the past year. And just recently we both decided to confront each other with a secret. I am attracted to him, and he is Gay. and complete shock for both of us. He is not out of the closet, and he is telling me is is bisexual, yet mentally attracted to men. I am the second person to know about this. Yet he also is attracted to me, not emotionally he says, he also wishes he was straight to be with me, and have our children together; but it is not possible because he believes he will resent us one day.

My question is: is it in any way possible that we can be together, marry and have a family? keeping in mind the freedom he has to enjoy other men's companionship?

Kindly, I appreciate your time and sorry for long email.

No problem. I have to be blunt and tell you that your boyfriend is giving you very clear warnings. He calls himself bisexual, but being gay [or straight] is about more than sex. If he cannot have an emotional -- in other words, a romantic -- connection to a woman, as you say he's told you, than he is not really bisexual, but gay. In other words, as distressing as this may be to you, he may be able to have sex with you, but you can never really win his heart; he just isn't in love with you. A gay man can only have true romantic feelings for another man.

I appreciate that you obviously have deep feelings for this man, but if he is only marrying you because he can't deal with being gay or wants biological children, then you're just being unfair to yourself and ultimately to him as well. Even if you have an "open" marriage that allows him to be with men on the side, why would you want to be with a man who can never fully love you?

Men and women in your situation often do marry but the gay husband can not change his orientation. In the U.S. we have "ex-gays" who enter into sham marriages but they still remain homosexual. I think people deserve better, don't you? [Even in a country that is more oppressive in regards to gay people than the U.S. is.]

You can read more about "mixed" gay/straight marriages and why they don't work here.

Self-Hating Friend?

I am a heterosexual female and I have a gay best friend...whom I've recently developed a small crush on. It's actually really annoying, but it's not like I can really control who I'm attracted to. I feel we both connect on a much deeper level and I'm pretty darn sure he feels the same way, too. We tend to have the most fun when it's only us alone hanging out. Which is when he tends to say 'off' things, things I don't expect to be part of his nature. For instance, he expressed to me that he would totally bed a certain, very beautiful, voluptuous actress (says it about other girls as well). Then, again, if someone had the chance to sleep with someone extremely beautiful and famous, wouldn't you take advantage of that opportunity? Another time, we were under the influence of a substance and he sort of insinuated something sexual. He said that if in that moment, a hand happened to touch his nether region, he wouldn't brush it away. Stuff that makes me think, seems to always happen. He said something about how he can't have sex with men cause it hurts... Is it possible he's conflicted about his sexuality and wants to venture out?

Many times he has expressed his dislike for the gay community and the individuals that sustain it. Although, it's not like he represses his homosexuality. He is very much 'out' and makes everyone aware of that fact. As I gazed further into your blog, I came across the bits of 'internalized homophobia.' This sounds like a more likely scenario than if he were to actually be sexually attracted to me, right? Maybe it's just me, being a girl, wanting something she can't have. Or my overactive imagination putting in work... but I don't think those comments/actions are exactly 'normal' for a gay man is it? Either way I want to move on and I don't want to ask him straight out. I would much rather avoid any awkward confrontations, which would probably spoil the friendship. What's your take on this matter?

My take is that your friend is essentially what we call a "self-hating homo." Any openly gay man who expresses disdain for the gay community is clearly dealing with issues about his sexual orientation. Sadly, there are many gay men who are openly gay but for one reason or another are not happy being gay, largely because they've swallowed society's negative opinions about gay men. or they may have religious hang-ups or feel that being gay makes them "unmanly" -- or just have a basic insecurity about themselves. Then there are people in every minority group who have simply had unhappy or unsuccessful lives for one reason or another and make their race or religion or sexual orientation the reason, unwilling to face their own flaws.

Without saying that your friend may be "bisexual," being gay does not mean that a man finds women repulsive or can't have sex with a woman. [Many married homosexual men sleep while their wives while dreaming of being in bed with guys.] And sure, some gay men might get a kick out of sleeping with a famous female celebrity -- although they'll still be gay in the morning. But be careful of things expressed while under the influence, as they should never be taken seriously.

As for his comment that it "hurts" to have sex with men, I can only assume he's a bottom and a rather inexperienced one at that. Either he can try being a top [or eschew analism altogether] or he can get more experience.

Frankly, this guy may be your bmf, but I think it would be a mistake on your part to expect more. Even if the two of you indulge in some sexual fooling around, it may not lead to anything realistically romantic or permanent. Guys like this often try to "go straight" or become "ex-gays," but while they may get married and even have kids, they remain homosexual. And why would any woman want a homosexual husband?

Some time you might ask him how he feels about being gay and ever so delicately suggest he get counseling or therapy. He can't change his orientation, but he can certainly learn to accept and enjoy it.

Not Gay -- But Wants Sex With Men?

Hi, I'm so happy I came across your web page.

I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.

He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....

Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.

The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:

1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.

2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]

3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]

As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?

As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.

I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.

Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.

Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!

Confused About Orientation

Hey Dr. Bill, I was reading one of your posts that said "bisexual or lesbian" and it struck a cord with me because some of the self identified bi-women sounded like me, when it comes to men. I like women and at least 98% of the time I am attracted to women. I think about women when I masturbate, when I watch porn I always look at the women, and I long to have a girlfriend. I consider myself to be a 5.5 on the Kinsey scale but I don't know if that's gay or bisexual. One of the only reasons I don't call myself gay is because I have slept with men before(two) and you can never really know what the future holds. I thought I was gay when I was about 13-14 and I came out to my friends and told them I liked girls (I didn't use labels). When I was 15 I told my mom and that didn't go too well. Ever since then it's been a bit of a struggle. I believe if my mom would have been more supportive I would never have been with men at all. I even had a boyfriend for a little while and I even told him I liked women and wanted to have a girlfriend lol. I was even about to ask him if a girl I liked was gay so he could hook me up. Throughout high school I had crushes on sooooo many girls and wanted to be with them but I was too scared to do it. I kinda envied those women who had girlfriends. I'm in college now and I'm still somewhat scared. I'm intimidated by women I like. I find men attractive but I don't find the sex or the relationships to be too satisfying. I get bored with them really fast. As a matter of fact I told a guy that I slept with that I wanted a wife. I don't know...but when I do talk to guys I still think about girls the majority of the time and how I wish I was with them. I'm convinced that if I get a boyfriend I'll end up meeting a woman and I'll leave him. So...I don't know -- am I bisexual or a conflicted lesbian? I notice when I look at a woman's body I'll get turned on but then I'll turn away because I don't want anyone to notice. Am I ashamed? I don't believe I'm self-hating but I'm confused. Also people say that sexuality is 'fluid' and it will change, especially for women. So I don't want to call myself gay and then ten years later I'm really straight. Any advice would be nice. Thanks.

First let's get one thing clear. When people talk about "sexual fluidity" they may mean that someone who is essentially gay may wind up -- for one reason or another -- in bed with a member of the opposite sex, but anyone who tells you that a person's sexual orientation can change -- that a gay person can magically become genuinely straight [at any age] -- is just dead wrong. Someone as attracted to women as you clearly are will not wake up some day and suddenly [or slowly] become heterosexual.

You also have to remember that sexual orientation isn't just about who you sleep with, but who you really desire on both sexual, romantic, and emotional levels, so your two experiences with men don't really count for much. It very much sounds to me that you want to be with women. Some homosexual people with a very tiny attraction to the opposite sex [as opposed to a whopping big attraction to their own sex] often call themselves bisexual for varying reasons, but in reality they are basically gay. I think this is the case with you.

I'm glad you don't feel full of self-hate, but it's possible that your mother's negative attitude may well have influenced how you see yourself and your sexuality. Based on what you have told me, I would have to say that you are definitely a lesbian, and much closer to a 9 or 10 on the Kinsey scale [if we must talk about the Kinsey scale] than a 5.5. And that's okay! If you feel you are consciously or sub-consciously ashamed of this, you can seek counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly counselor or therapist.

Remember that there is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong in being gay.