Gay Men vs. Lesbians?

I have some gay friends who insist that lesbians hate gay men, and since I've never had that experience, I wonder where this is coming from? Is this some kind of sexism or even homophobia? I was very disturbed by the attitudes of some people. P.S. I am a gay man in my forties.

Let me make it clear that well-adjusted gay people, those who accept themselves and don't have a problem with their sexuality, generally don't have the kind of blatant prejudices that afflict so much of society, gay or straight. I once participated in a conversation on just this subject -- lesbians hating gay men -- and, as I'm sure you did, found it to be ridiculous. The "evidence" of this alleged prejudice was all anecdotal. One bartender told me a lesbian waitress was rude to him in a restaurant, so this, of course, means that lesbians all hate gay men. Could he even be sure she was a lesbian, and did her bad attitude have anything to do with his being gay? Probably not. I mean, once a lesbian bartender was kind of unpleasant to me, but she is vastly outnumbered by other gay women whose attitudes were perfectly nice and professional. I think the few gay men who feel this way are defensively covering up their own negative attitudes toward women.

Let me also make it clear that gay men all hating women and lesbians all hating men (gay or straight) is in this day and age indicative of ludicrous stereotyping. Are there some lesbians who may dislike some or all gay men, or men in general, and are there some gay men or men in general, who have issues with women, be they straight or gay? Yes. But generally these are based on one or more bad experiences, which don't really add up to any kind of scientific survey. The truth is, there are gay people who may simply be indifferent to the opposite sex, which is often misinterpreted as "hatred." On the other hand -- and this is very important --  many gay men and lesbians have formed warm and life-lasting friendships with one another.

During this debate with some acquaintances, one guy said that it was simply that his experiences were different from mine. This is true, of course, but a person shouldn't base his attitudes on his own experiences, however valuable, alone. A person should learn and know about other people's experiences as well before forming a judgment. Also, it is often how we interpret personal experience that makes the difference.

That being said, in my experience, lesbians do not in general hate gay men or vice versa. Dare I say it's only fucked up people who have such antediluvian attitudes.

Abused Boyfriend and Church Elder

Dear Dr. Bill. Just this past Sunday my boyfriend told me that when he was a 16 he started attending church and the bishop of the church took interest in him. He said the bishop was highly respected as a man of God and all the parishioners led him to believe that he was special because the bishop favored him. When he turned 17 he went on a trip with the bishop and the bishop coerced him into sex. The thing that's startling to me is that sexual contact continued for several years. He said he was brainwashed, coerced and taken advantage of by a man that he looked up to. I am having a hard time processing that sexual contact continued for so long. I love him, but I do not know if he's gay. He says he is not. I don't have a problem with him being gay, I just don't want to be used as a beard. He said he is not attracted to men and has never been with another man. I don't know if I should leave or stay!? I support gay rights and I want to support my boyfriend, but I do not want to be used as a coverup for him. That's not fair. 


In most cases when men admit to having had sexual relations with men for years, I can be a Doubting Thomas when they claim to be straight. However, victims of sexual abuse are an entirely different matter. They can grow up to be confused as to their sexual orientation. The problem in this case is that while your boyfriend was a minor -- and could be considered a victim -- he was not a child, as such. One could almost argue that while it was statutory rape due to his age, his being on the cusp of adulthood almost made it consensual. [Of course the bishop was wrong, wrong, wrong. It was a betrayal of the worst and most selfish kind.] The sexual contact continued well into adulthood. A little boy may be confused into thinking that he is doing the right thing and is not being victimized, but an adult is another matter.

I think you should tactfully suggest that your boyfriend get counseling, which victims of abuse should get in any case (if he hasn't already). He may feel such deep shame over what went on between him and the bishop that he can't help but deny his homosexual feelings, if they exist. Only a compassionate and educated counselor or therapist can determine exactly what's going on with his sexuality if he can't figure it out or accept it for himself. If he has a genuine attraction for men, his denying it and feeling guilt over it, will only make it worse for him. And if, as you say, he is ultimately gay [or bisexual with a preference for men], you don't want to be his beard.

Best of luck. 

Gay Self-Hatred

I am gay and have a gay friend who is constantly making negative remarks about other gay people and homosexuality in general.  I have confronted him on this on more than one occasion, but he seems unable to talk about why he feels the way he does. He is Catholic, and may have absorbed some of their virulently homophobic attitudes. I think he has many good qualities, I like him, but his homophobia and negativity often make it difficult to deal with him. We are both in our mid-forties. He has no partner, but I can't imagine he will ever get one with his current attitude. Is there any way to help him get over his internalized homophobia?

Homosexual men like this have hated themselves for so many years that it's often difficult if not impossible to get through to them. That doesn't mean there isn't a chance, but your friend has to admit that there is a problem. He is gay, he can't change it, yet he hates himself and hates being gay, and it is all so unnecessary. You are undoubtedly right that his Catholic upbringing has done a number on him, as it has on so many other gay men and lesbians.

Often the self-hate of people like this is commingled with other negative feelings they have about themselves regarding their looks, weight, frustrated ambitions, loneliness, and so on. Your friend probably has a whole long list of grievances. His negative feelings about himself [aside from his homosexuality] feed off his negative feelings about being gay, and create a vicious circle that he's trapped inside.

Men like this are often expressing negative feelings because they feel rejected by other gay men. He has no boyfriend, probably does not go out on dates, and let's not even get into his sex life. This feeling of being rejected leads to him hating being gay and blaming his homosexuality on all of his problems -- he would be happy, he feels, if only he were straight. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. [And there are plenty of miserable, lonely heterosexuals out there for which being straight is not a magic cure-all.]

Sit down with him and tell him how utterly oppressive you find his attitude to be. In a tactful way help him to maximize his assets and minimize his less attractive features. He can't change his orientation so he might as well accept it, embrace it, and develop some pride in himself. Suggest he get some counseling and that a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help him feel better about himself. And it wouldn't hurt to remind him that more and more people are finding the Catholic church and other religions negative attitudes toward homosexuality to be outrageous and totally out of date.

I mean, guys like this are deep down miserable and they don't need to be.

If he doesn't listen to you, refuses to even talk about it, and his behavior and remarks continue to bother you, then you may just have to lose him as a friend.

Brutal Porn Part Two

Dear Bill:

This is a tough one to write, because I think it's always hard for people to talk about "what they do on the Web" behind closed doors and out of sight. At least, no one I know -- even close friends who seem open about just about everything -- don't talk about their Web surfing much, and never about sex sites. [Some people do talk quite regularly about their various adventures on the web and on porn sites. Depends on the individual and often on how "out" they are -- Bill.]

I'm a 45-year-old gay male and most likely have watched no more and no less gay porn over the years than the average gay male (if there is such a thing), going way back to VHS tapes. But I've seen the variety of sex acts portrayed in gay porn expand wildly over that time, and especially in the last few years on the Internet. Some of what I see if highly disturbing to me and seems to cause a great deal of guilt and even depression because I feel, on some level, that it's really wrong for anyone to be filming these things, making money from it, and enjoying the watching of it.

Let me say at the outset that I don't make value judgments about ordinary people doing what they want to sexually in the privacy of their bedrooms, with consent, or even in clubs as long as no one is forced to do anything they didn't sign up for. Specifically, bondage and S&M aren't something that bother me if people are doing it because they enjoy it and they're genuinely making a choice that that is what gives them pleasure.[I agree.]

But I see larger and larger numbers of movies, and clips of movies, available online that truly involve brutal presentations of sexual-related acts in which guys clearly are in pain or extreme discomfort. The envelope is being pushed more and more each year and I think everyone knows it. These kinds of videos are mostly online -- I haven't seen many in stores. (Of course, I realize there are many straight videos like these and that this is not a gay phenomenon.)

Anyone browsing through free gay porn sites, I think, would not need explanation of what these videos entail, but they often portray quite young guys (who often look much younger) being tied up and subjected to various violent treatment and abuse (if that's the correct word) that, in the non-porn-production world, would be classified as assault, battery, torture, even rape. [Definitely sounds pretty creepy.]

I'm writing not merely to express dismay over what's increasingly being hawked for money by the porn industry, but to admit that I've developed a fascination and attraction to some of this stuff -- and it really bothers me and makes me feel pretty awful about myself. [Is it really this porn that makes you feel awful, or something deeper, some negative feelings you have about yourself that this porn brings out?]

It seems to me that people can get pleasure out of other people who are also getting pleasure, or seeing other people in pain. Our minds are complicated, and it doesn't take viewings of "Star Wars" episodes to realize that everyone has very good sides and very dark sides, and definite temptations to give in to the latter. I remember in high school English class our teacher asked us to give our personal definition of evil, and the best I could come up with was feeling pleasure at the pain of another. Now, folks in S&M probably would strongly disagree that they are anything close to evil, but that doesn't change the fact that watching these things is clearly both enticing to me but repellent, and I come away from them every time feeling sorry that I did watch.

If I were giving advice like you, I'd probably say, "You can't do anything about changing the porn industry or what happens to these actors. There are complicated reasons why people enjoy S&M, or bondage, and complicated reasons why these young actors get involved in porn. The only thing you can do is control your own actions and avoid videos that make you feel bad about your choices."

I think that would be good advice, [Yes!] and I'm trying now to make some pragmatic choices that would put that into effect. I actually set up a porn filter on my laptop that screens out sex sites, because I was spending way too much time on such things. Also, I found a porn addiction message board on the Web and registered, though frankly I don't know if I will be posting on it.

I guess my big worry is that I'll eventually just chuck the porn filter and go back to my old ways -- "binging" on sites that seem wrong to me, then feeling guilty and horrible, but perhaps not guilty enough to stop. And then wondering what all this says about my own values and ethics. I mean, in all other spheres of my life I think of myself as moral and kind and helpful to people. (I did used to talk about this with my therapist, who is now actually my ex-therapist, but he seemed somewhat clueless about it all. Not very familiar with these kinds of Web sites and clips, he thought that no one really feels pain in them and that all the actors are just faking. But surely the pain is often very real -- I mean, it's what the audience demands and the studios provide, right?) [I don't have all the answers to that, but you have to remember that you are not the one inflicting pain on these people.]

I know there's no simple answer to all this, but I wanted to know your general thoughts on the subject, how you view the Internet and how it can change people, and if you have any advice.

Thanks for your time, Bill

You raise a large number of issues. I did a post on this a few years back called Brutal Gay Porn but I have some other thoughts today. I confess I have not watched any of these brutal gay porn movies, and probably wouldn't want to. Are the actors actually in pain, or just pretending? I guess it's the difference between hard core and soft core, where in the former the participants are actually having sex, and in the latter they're just play-acting. Since people can be quite realistically and graphically dismembered and murdered in horror films, I imagine it's relatively easy to fake some S&M material, as well as pain and torture, in a porn film. [While I have no moral objections as such to either pornography or prostitution, I do know that, sadly, some people selling their bodies either on the street or having sex in front of a camera are desperate and perhaps being exploited as well.] 

But I have to say that torture and rape are not part of any S&M community that I know. Now you're getting more into CSI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit than Star Wars -- I mean this isn't "kink," it's sick and criminal behavior. At the same time, if perfectly normal people can enjoy graphic violence in horror and action films, it's also possible that it's not abnormal to enjoy it in porn movies, although most people would not find it very sexy. You're watching [hopefully] phony recreations of aberrant acts, not participating in them. 

The deeper issue is what does enjoying degradation -- either your own or someone else's -- say about a person's sense of self-worth. All I can tell you is that members of the S&M/kink/fetish community have special needs and interests and look at things quite differently from the rest of us. When it comes to gay men, does self-hatred, which leads to hatred of other gay men or hatred of gay activity, have something to do with the obsession with hurting and degrading other men (or being "victim" of same)? You're right that gay members of the S&M community would probably object most strongly. Still most of the members of that community I've met are less interested in giving or enjoying another's pain than they are in role-playing -- the whole bondage and discipline and master/slave bit. [Undoubtedly many find that distasteful -- who would want to be a slave -- but in most cases it's mostly for extra titillation and never goes too far.]

If you think you're spending too much time watching these movies and especially if they make you feel bad about yourself, substitute something that won't create those negative feelings. It could be some deep-rooted internalized homophobia, shame or guilt over being gay, that might make you enjoy stuff in which men are brutalized and degraded. Only a gay or gay-friendly therapist can help you get to the root of it, and it's something you might consider if you find you can't stop watching the stuff and it only makes you feel worse and worse. 

Lastly, as for how the Internet can change people, well, it can certainly provide lots of fodder for fetishes -- healthy and less so -- of all kinds, and mini-communities of people who are into all sorts of shit [literally, some times]. In some cases this can help people feel less strange and alone, but sometimes it only makes a bad situation worse by feeding the fetish until it overtakes everything else. Again, a therapist can help in the latter cases.

Dealing with Self-Hatred

Dear Dr Bill,

I am a gay Man.  I am 44 years old, I have a wonderful Civil Partner whom I love, however I am not

Happy, I want to be straight, I want to be on equal footing with straight men, I don't want people asking me if I am gay, I act straight all the time; I am careful never to let my guard down, I have visited Doctors for a cure. I can't believe in this day and age they can't cure Homosexuality.

If there was a pill I would have taken it years ago. All I want to know is -- why me,?I asked my doctor, and he said why not. I was staggered and furious, he said being gay is not a problem it's natural. I can't fancy women. I fancy men I even married one because I fancy men.

I do t know what to do;I have lost so many friends and hurt people because I explode with anger

if I am asked if I am Gay.

I want to know why gay men look gay, what causes it, how can I be happy. How can I make my partner happy.

You're suffering from a very bad case of what what we call internalized homophobia, and it has a lot of causes. You may have been treated badly because you're gay, you may have been raised in a very homophobic environment, have relatives who are anti-gay, or have negative feelings about your sexuality because of religious feelings. 

The first thing you have to accept is that it's okay to be gay. 

There is no "cure" for homosexuality because it is not a disease. It is perfectly natural. This isn't gay activist propaganda -- it's scientific fact. The latest research strongly suggests that we are born gay, and nothing can change it -- there is no "cause." We can pretend to be heterosexual, we can live false lives, stay in the closet, but isn't it better to accept yourself and enjoy being gay?

To answer some of your questions, most gay men do not "look" gay. Only a relatively small percentage conform to stereotypes. Some gay men fear and hate the fact that they may be obviously gay, while others embrace it, have fun with it, develop an inner toughness that deals with the fact that many people will assume or know they are gay without being told. 

Whether you're obviously gay or not, once you accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong in being gay, you won't care if people assume, know, or ask if you are. You won't be ashamed and you won't care. That's the great benefit of Gay Pride. 

Another important point is that you've been lucky enough to find a partner. I know a great many gay men with partners and husbands and boyfriends, but I also know a lot who are single and wish they weren't. Many of those single guys have negative feelings because they're lonely, but if you are in a relationship with someone whom you say you love and is wonderful, then what exactly is the problem? You have someone to share your life with. Do you think there's something horrible and inferior and "diseased" about this man you love? I hope not. So why feel that way about yourself?

You have swallowed a lot of society's negative feelings about gay people, and need to get past it. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city, see if they do counseling; perhaps a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help you feel better about yourself. You not only owe it to yourself to change your negative and frankly outdated attitudes, but to your partner. 

Best of luck!

Gay Men, Straight Porn

Hello Bill. I have a life long friend and he wants to do a straight porn video. He is gay so this sounds crazy. Would he be mentally damaged? Is there such a thing as gay men doing straight porn? Are there any gay men on record as having done str8 porn? Why would a straight studio hire gay men to fuck women?

I think there are actually a lot of gay men doing straight porn, although they may not identify as such. These are the same men who do gay porn but who insist that they are straight, or at least are leading straight lives -- and there are a lot of those.  If you want to get technical, these men are at least bisexual in some sense, but just can't take the next step in even admitting that, although they suck and fuck men as much as women for a living! Sad, really.

I don't know why your gay friend wants to do straight porn. Perhaps he thinks there's more money in it. Perhaps he's fallen pray to the out-dated, homophobic notion that you're not a "real man" unless you have sex with women. I assume he doesn't date women or sleep with them in a "regular" environment, so perhaps the whole thing has to do with his image or with money.

Being gay doesn't necessarily mean that a man finds women repulsive, or can't function with them. A gay man who sleeps with a woman probably won't be "mentally damaged," unless he gets the wrong idea that a "successful" [if undoubtedly unsatisfying] experience with a female means that he's heterosexual or even bi, when it generally doesn't.

I do get that you think he's being pretty silly, and he probably is. All he needs is one great experience with one hot guy and he'll probably forget all about doing straight porn!

Bi Boyfriend -- or Gay?

Hi "Dr." Bill,

 

I have a slightly different version of the "Is My Boyfriend Gay/Bi" question. I thought my friend X was gay because a mutual friend of ours told me he was. My friend also said that X identified as bisexual, but he didn't believe he was really interested in women. Anyway, I thought X was gay until we kissed one night and he started asking me out. Long story short--we've been dating for a few months, and let's just say that if X doesn't like women, he does a screamingly good job of faking it (hope that's not TMI).

 

My problem is I feel like X is trying to hide things from me. He gets really cagey when talking about certain male friends, and he recently went on a 5 day trip to visit an old friend who is openly gay. X can talk for an hour straight about what he had for dinner last night, but when I ask him about his trip, he clams up.

 

What I want to do is look X in the eye and say, "Are you bi? Because you wouldn't be the first bisexual guy I've dated, and to be honest, I think man love is hot. Now we're still in the early stages of this relationship where this could go anywhere. We could be exclusive, we could have an open relationship, you could have protected sex with guys and come home to me and describe it in filthy detail...the possibilities are endless. What I'm NOT open to is being with someone who hides a big part of their identity, or someone who acts like he wants monogamy when he really doesn't."

 

I really care about X and I want him in my life. Whether we work best as friends, partners, fwb, or other remains to be seen. But I can't get too far with any if these if I feel like he's hiding things from me.

 

...Help? 

Frankly, it sounds to me like this guy is one of these "bisexuals" who is basically gay but too ashamed to do much more than screw men on the sly while having a girlfriend to show to the world. These guys usually tell the men they get involved with that they like women, but rarely tell the women they are involved with that they like guys. [And gay men are perfectly capable of being good in bed with women; it's just not their preference.]I suggest you say to X exactly what you say in your question, if you haven't already.

But I have two thoughts [and keep in mind that I've been accused of being politically incorrect when it comes to the subject of bisexuality.] Bisexual men tend to be homosexual men who are ashamed of being gay and need women to a) make themselves feel more macho [along the lines of "real men fuck women"] and b) to provide a heterosexual front for themselves. Why give yourself this hassle? While it's great that you, as you say, find man-sex sexy and all that, why take a chance that your "bi" boyfriend will come to accept he's gay and/or develop romantic feelings for one of his playmates [whether he's gay or bi].

Lastly, I also have to say that there are a lot more straight men than gay men in the world, so why not leave the gay/bi guys alone for other men, LOL?

Best, Bill

Boyfriend with Gay Issues

I stumbled upon your blog in searching for answers. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now. He is what you would call a "mans man" and he works out all the time and has a pretty good body. Well everything started when I was on his computer (early early in the relationship) and I was looking on Craigslist and all these m4m searches popped up....naturally I asked. Even was like I won't judge you etc....just told me he didn't know about it and his email was hacked. I'm not an idiot or technologically retarded. .. well I found other stuff that shows he's been on Craigslist while in our relationship looking for men.... I don't think he has cheated on me yet. I don't know if this is weird or what but I would be okay with him being with guys on he side as long as it didn't affect our relationship and I don't think it would be an all the time thing. I want to confront him about this stuff and not in an accusatory way but I'm not even sure how to start it. I think he's embarrassed of it and hasn't admitted it to himself that he might be bi. A big red flag is he bashes gays all the time. I want to marry this guy and maybe I'm crazy thinking it could work. But I also stumbled upon a forum asking women if they would let their husband have dick on the side or join in and I have got to say I agree with it and I want him to be able t tell me the truth. What I am thinking of doing is showing him the website and simply say I am in agreement with this I wasn't born yesterday and I know your computer or email account didn't get hacked. What is the best way to approach this touchy subject with him?
Supportive gf 

First I have to say that you're much too blase about his interest in men. I think women who "let men have dick on the side" are being unrealistic and asking for trouble -- being unfair to themselves and to their husbands/boyfriends, especially when you consider that most "bisexual" men are homosexuals who go with women because they're ashamed of being gay. How could his going with guys not affect your relationship? You're absolutely right that gay-bashing is a Big Red Flag. This guy has serious issues with his sexuality, and is probably a homosexual man who, at this point in his life, doesn't want to be gay. I'm not always "politically correct" on the subject, but in my educated opinion, the whole bisexual thing has been overblown.

I suggest you start a conversation on homosexuality/bisexuality [he may be more comfortable at first talking about the latter] by discussing gay marriage and his opinion of it; talking about a gay friend; saying you have a woman friend whose husband likes men, etc. Anything to get the ball rolling. Be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. If he admits he is attracted to men -- although he probably won't -- suggest he get counseling or therapy from a sympathetic professional so he can finally come to accept himself.  Of course, that may well mean the end of your relationship.

Unfortunately, I've known many women who marry conflicted guys like this, and believe me, it never works out.

Straight or Not?

hello Dr Bill, 

I have been dating my bf for almost two years. Our relationship is PERFECT and we love each other very much. he's 31 and I'm 25. My only problem is that i have concerns that he might be gay.. or curious! 2 years ago, before we dated he told me that "no straight man can ever say he has never been attracted to a gay before, even just once".. since then i have always been very careful to see any other gay signs, which has been throughout our whole relationship. Last night we were watching a TV show and a clear gay scene popped up, a straight guy was flirting with a gay guy, and during that scene, I saw him quickly rub his dick in a very fast motion for about 5 seconds and then let go of it. what does this mean? Was he turned on by the scene? Is he gay? the last time i told him he's gay, he got very angry and broke up with me for a few hours. PLEASE HELP ME OUT!! I don't want to waste my time with him if he is a closet gay: we already have plans of getting married after i get my degree. He is a Tall Masculine man, which might be one of the reasons why he wouldn't want to "come out"! 

Well, there are still a great many men who are conflicted about their sexuality, and embarrassed by their sexual and romantic feelings for other men, but I can't say positively one way or the other about this fellow. Some men who are attracted to men will do or say absolutely anything to convince themselves that they're, deep down, heterosexual, including saying that "no straight men can say he was never attracted to a [gay] man," which sounds like he's justifying or trying to explain his feelings for men. He could be repressed as well as closeted. If you discuss it with him never simply tell him he's gay, or accuse him of it in a judgmental manner. Be sympathetic. If he's gay you both need to know so you can each move on into new relationships. You can start the discussion by, say, talking about the gay marriage debate, or saying you have a friend whose boyfriend might be gay. And see what happens.

Boyfriend Likes to Look at Naked Men

Hello,
I'm glad I found this blog post. After being with him for two years and knowing him for seven, my boyfriend confessed that he used to look at "naked men" online daily for years. He said that he wanted to stop but it was like an addiction, but he hadn't done it for almost a year and didn't miss it, and felt he needed to tell me and come clean. He cried when he told me and it seemed like he had a lot of guilt about it. I'm not sure what this means and even why he told me. When he told me I was shocked and told him it was ok with me, as long as he didn't do it anymore, but was too surprised to say anything else then. I've been too afraid to ask him more about it and it's been more than a year so I don't know how to bring it up again. I guess I don't care if he's bi as long as he's attracted to me, too! Haha. He has many close girl friends and hardly any guy friends (I'm not sure if this is a factor but it's something I've always wondered about also). He's never been with a guy or a girl, so what if he doesn't even know? 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but guys who look at naked men online [unless he's, say, seeing how he stacks up in the penis size department as compared to other men and even then I might wonder -- I mean how many photos do you have to look at?] and have been doing it for years are undoubtedly attracted to men. His crying and his guilt feelings indicate that he is deeply ashamed of it as well. There's nothing wrong in being gay, but there is something wrong in someone being closeted and ashamed in this more enlightened day and age. A person doesn't have to sleep with a man or a woman to pretty much know, even if he or she is in denial, which sex one is attracted to. As for bisexuality, men who identify as bisexual in most cases tend to prefer men but may have relationships with women because of their internalized homophobia [their self-hatred over being attracted to men]. Apparently the two of you have not slept together, perhaps for religious reasons or you're saving yourselves for marriage? A man who may be essentially homosexual is sort of off the hook in this kind of arrangement [although there are plenty of gay men who can successfully sleep with and impregnate women].

It sounds to me as if you've been given a pretty clear warning. A lot of women have boyfriends and even long-term husbands who turn out to be gay without their having any prior knowledge of it, and it's devastating for them when they find out. To know in advance can be a blessing in disguise. It's hard to let go of somebody that you love, but in my opinion "mixed" marriages between homosexual men and heterosexual women are unfair to both parties and only lead to a lot of heartbreak.

Crossdressing boyfriend

I was with my boyfriend for a year when I began suspecting him of cheating when I found women's clothing that was mine. Long story short, I found out through extensive Internet searching that he owned a porn site where he is the main attraction as a cross-dresser and people pay to watch him have sex dressed up in MY underwear and dresses in my home. I had no idea and was shocked. I found out next that he was advertising himself as a hooker who cross-dresses and caters to men for $200. After I moved out and confronted him he said he wasn't gay and was just interested in making money. The thing is, he has his masters degree and he lives off his rich parents. He had the gall to tell me that the fact that my daughter who is disabled stresses him out caused him to snap and "indulge in selfishness". He had the website for a year before I met him and admitted to paying very passable pre op transsexual hookers for sex up to three years before we met. He tried to explain since he had sex with them while he was dressed as a man and they looked like beautiful women it was not "gay sex". Furthermore he said when he was prostituting dressed as a woman having sex with men that also did not constitute "gay sex". In the past two months since I've left he has been actively trying to get back together with me saying all that was a phase and he was over it. I then found out he got arrested 30 min. after we got off the phone for prostitution by Vegas vice. He was still doing it! And now he's a " changed man" and is livid that I won't accept he's straight and move back in with him. I am heartbroken, and confused. But I also know I can't get back with him obviously. What I want to know is if he has a severe disorder, if he's delusional, and why he is adamantly denying being gay and is he typical of "closeted men"?
 
Also his particular obsession in dressing was thigh high boots which was consistent through out. I am so confused why he'd pursue a serious relationship with me when he was doing all of these secret activities? Should I try to help him....? Forget he existed?? Help. 

My advice is to probably forget he existed, and not because of his extra-curricular sexual activity, but because he's involved in criminal activity, is a liar, used your home and clothing for porn activities without your knowledge or permission -- the yuck  factor goes on and on. I'm a pretty open-minded guy but this character sounds pretty unsavory in many ways and, yes, delusional. 

Now on to other specific points:

Cross-dressing men can be and often are heterosexual. [Most gay men have absolutely no interest in cross-dressing.] However, the fact that he's advertising for sex with men [and whether for pay or not for pay is irrelevant] is an altogether different matter. Also, most pre-op transsexual men still have penises, and I doubt if a 100% straight guy wants to have sex with a "lady" with a dick. [Let me make it clear that I believe post-op trans-women are definitely female -- and perhaps even before the surgery -- but most genuinely straight men would be turned off by the male genitalia and other biological factors.]

So this guy can argue that he wasn't indulging in standard male-male sex and therefore it wasn't gay, but it was decidedly "queer" [queer now being another acceptable term for the LGBT -- or Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender community]. And I find it hard to believe that a man who has no attraction for men would want to have male sex partners even when he's dressed up as a woman. At the very least, he's bisexual [which doesn't mean his preference  can't be men, making him essentially gay] and he is being disingenuous, or, as I said, delusional. It's also possible that he's transsexual himself, which can be very confusing for someone who hasn't yet accepted or acknowledged it, and he may honestly be confused as to his basic orientation as well.

While it's perfectly okay for you and others to be compassionate for and understanding of his confusion and "kinks," it does sound like he has a lot to work out in his own mind before he's ready for a relationship, and it may be that it would be more natural for him to be with a man. He's typical  of closeted men in his denial of obvious homoerotic acts with other men, although the porn web site and cross dressing is not so typical.

In conclusion, let me just say this guy has a lot of issues -- and not just the sexual ones -- and it doesn't make you a bad or bigoted person if you don't want to deal with them. Relationships are tough enough without adding quite so much drama.  

"Bi" Boyfriend or Closet Case?

I am a 33-year-old gay man and I am currently dating a man of the same age who identifies as bisexual. He is attractive, and I enjoy our sex life, but I have worries. When we go out to dinner, he will frequently flirt with the waitress or other women in a way encouraged to make them think he is available, even though he is sitting with me. He will not act romantic until we get to a gay bar. Of course, I wouldn't like it if he flirted with other men either but I notice he never seems to do this, just women. I find it distinctly uncomfortable and wonder if he is capable of sustaining a relationship with another male. 

To be blunt, probably not. I won't even get into whether or not this guy is actually bisexual or what his preference is, but it definitely sounds like he is dealing -- and not at all well-- with internalized homophobia. I will just say that a lot of men who are embarrassed to be gay/bi and full of shame need to have women in their lives even if only as a beard or front. They have to exude some kind of heterosexual persona even when they're out with another man. The fact that he flirts with women but never men indicates that he is uncomfortable being out in public with a man except when he is in an all-gay environment like a gay bar. I have no doubt that he is the kind of "bisexual" who tells gay men he likes women but never tells the women whom he gets involved with, if any, that he also digs guys.

Frankly, as far as I'm concerned that is not being bisexual, it is being a closet case.

Your friend needs some counseling and a good dose of gay pride, but you have to accept that for one reason or another he may never feel comfortable in his own skin. Just the very idea of his hitting on women when he's on a date with you is rude and insulting and a little outrageous. And desperate. Like he's trying to prove something to himself.

My advice. Fuck 'im and forget 'im!

Hateful Married Homosexual

I'd like your opinion on something that happened to me. Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was not comfortable being gay and who left me for a woman with money [he also enjoyed the good life]. Both of these people were simply horrible to me back in the day. He admitted he was not bi or attracted to women, and I felt he was being unfair both to himself and to her by marrying her just to be financially comfortable and to play at being straight [to please his parents]. I even told her we had been boyfriends and she said he told her that he was straight and I was a 'fag' who was in love with him. Anyway, I avoided this toxic couple, moved on, had another lover for many years who died a couple of years ago.

My ex-lover and his wife have stayed married for many years and managed to have two children, although I hear one is adopted. I have seen my ex-boyfriend -- I'll call him Chuck -- in gay bars making out with guys and dragging them home [while the wife is out of town] many times over the years.

Just recently I was on a date and encountered this man and his wife at a social function. I barely recognized him, but he definitely remembered me, sized up my attractive new boyfriend [ certainly compared to his fat wife] and began making rude, homophobic comments. His wife even joined in. They made a terrible impression with the other people in the group, who thought they were boorish and narrow-minded. You don't know the half of it, I said.

The other night I got photos of him french kissing a guy at a gay bar. My question is: should I email them to his wife [I have her work email].

Hell, that's what I would do! I don't believe in outing people most of the time -- it's a personal decision a pivotal, important moment in a gay person's life -- but all bets are off if the party concerned is publicly homophobic . This guy did you enough damage -- and he's still trying to do it. His self-hatred has spread out to encompass a man -- you -- who has lived a happy gay life while he's stuck in a closet having furtive affairs, terrified his bill-paying wife will find out.

Click send, baby!

Man with Boyfriend Wants Wife

I'm a 28 year old guy and i have been bisexual since I was a teenager, but i was exclusively gay in the past 10 years with complete self-acceptance as a homosexual. My boyfriend and i were together for 4 years but now all of a sudden i started seeing my best "girl friend" from another view rather than just as a friend. I confessed to her and she knows everything about me (we're friends for 11 years or so) and we started getting more intimate; she said she can accept whatever happened in the past but once we are committed that's it for monkey business with a girl or with a guy. i totally understand her wish but i am so confused now with a lot of questions that turned my life upside down & is causing me continuous anxiety and depression

-Will i be able to do it?? All other forums and people's experiences say they couldn't do it and at some point of my life i would be unable to suppress same-sex feelings and i never ever wanna think of putting her into this [situation].

-i feel terrible for my boyfriend who believes i am only doing this because i have a strong parental instinct and if I have a child it has to be my own child.

Is it true that i really want to get married to her and constitute our own family (i see her as the perfect match mind-wise and fun-wise) or am i just deceiving myself and it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance and have the kids i want( i'm from the Middle east in a country where homosexuals face complete social rejection)

i would hate myself if i realized too late that this is the case as i will be just using her! i also feel terrible for my boyfriend , and i don't know how can i help him and help myself , we're both having extremely hard times trying to change the image of me and him living together in the future although we can still be friends but nothing more.

Sometimes when i think of it, i'm like yeah this is the life i want, a loving and understanding wife, kids and a nice family life but sometimes i'm like no, it can't be like that all of sudden , i have never thought of marriage....EVER and you should know i am 80% attracted to males and only 20% attracted to females.

Well, I think you've just answered your own question. At times you say you're bisexual and at others homosexual, but it's clear that whatever you are your preference is men. Just the fact that you're wondering if your "straight" feelings are genuine or if they come from your doubts about your future as a gay man in a hostile atmosphere tells the story. I realize that for some people, especially those who live in countries much more hostile to homosexuals, it would be easier to be straight, but wishing it just doesn't make it so. By trying to live a straight life you might only be doing harm to yourself, the woman you profess to love, and especially your boyfriend.

First, read what I have to say about "mixed marriages" where one partner is straight and the other is gay. Click here.

You say that you're feeling confused and depressed. It is no coincidence that this has happened just after you left your boyfriend and decided to make your bff [best female friend] your lover or wife. I think the truth is obvious and you said it yourself when you wrote: it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance.

You can't make a total commitment to your girlfriend because a.) you're still in love with your boyfriend and b.) you're basically gay.

If you honestly feel that your boyfriend is not the right man for you for any reason, that doesn't mean you should seek happiness with a member of the opposite sex. I realize that living in an oppressive environment as you do makes things that much more difficult -- to put it mildly -- but if you and your partner have enough love for each other you can triumph over adversity. Your girlfriend can remain a friend who's there for you when you need her.

In the U.S. we have people that are known as "ex-gays." These are homosexual men and women who are full of self-hatred and/or simply feel that their lives will be easier if they are straight, or at least appear to be, so they enter into sham marriages. The vast majority of these people are unable to suppress their true instincts [a terrible thing to do in any case] and wind up having clandestine affairs with members of their own sex. People can't change their sexual orientation no matter how much they may want to.

The truth is, if you're afraid that you'll only be using this woman in your life, that is probably just what you'll be doing.

99% of gay liberation is in the head, as we used to say in the Gay Activists Alliance of New York. That means, if you accept that you're gay -- and that there's nothing wrong in being gay -- you can deal with everything else -- it will give you the strength to persevere.

Good luck!

Self-Hating Friend?

I am a heterosexual female and I have a gay best friend...whom I've recently developed a small crush on. It's actually really annoying, but it's not like I can really control who I'm attracted to. I feel we both connect on a much deeper level and I'm pretty darn sure he feels the same way, too. We tend to have the most fun when it's only us alone hanging out. Which is when he tends to say 'off' things, things I don't expect to be part of his nature. For instance, he expressed to me that he would totally bed a certain, very beautiful, voluptuous actress (says it about other girls as well). Then, again, if someone had the chance to sleep with someone extremely beautiful and famous, wouldn't you take advantage of that opportunity? Another time, we were under the influence of a substance and he sort of insinuated something sexual. He said that if in that moment, a hand happened to touch his nether region, he wouldn't brush it away. Stuff that makes me think, seems to always happen. He said something about how he can't have sex with men cause it hurts... Is it possible he's conflicted about his sexuality and wants to venture out?

Many times he has expressed his dislike for the gay community and the individuals that sustain it. Although, it's not like he represses his homosexuality. He is very much 'out' and makes everyone aware of that fact. As I gazed further into your blog, I came across the bits of 'internalized homophobia.' This sounds like a more likely scenario than if he were to actually be sexually attracted to me, right? Maybe it's just me, being a girl, wanting something she can't have. Or my overactive imagination putting in work... but I don't think those comments/actions are exactly 'normal' for a gay man is it? Either way I want to move on and I don't want to ask him straight out. I would much rather avoid any awkward confrontations, which would probably spoil the friendship. What's your take on this matter?

My take is that your friend is essentially what we call a "self-hating homo." Any openly gay man who expresses disdain for the gay community is clearly dealing with issues about his sexual orientation. Sadly, there are many gay men who are openly gay but for one reason or another are not happy being gay, largely because they've swallowed society's negative opinions about gay men. or they may have religious hang-ups or feel that being gay makes them "unmanly" -- or just have a basic insecurity about themselves. Then there are people in every minority group who have simply had unhappy or unsuccessful lives for one reason or another and make their race or religion or sexual orientation the reason, unwilling to face their own flaws.

Without saying that your friend may be "bisexual," being gay does not mean that a man finds women repulsive or can't have sex with a woman. [Many married homosexual men sleep while their wives while dreaming of being in bed with guys.] And sure, some gay men might get a kick out of sleeping with a famous female celebrity -- although they'll still be gay in the morning. But be careful of things expressed while under the influence, as they should never be taken seriously.

As for his comment that it "hurts" to have sex with men, I can only assume he's a bottom and a rather inexperienced one at that. Either he can try being a top [or eschew analism altogether] or he can get more experience.

Frankly, this guy may be your bmf, but I think it would be a mistake on your part to expect more. Even if the two of you indulge in some sexual fooling around, it may not lead to anything realistically romantic or permanent. Guys like this often try to "go straight" or become "ex-gays," but while they may get married and even have kids, they remain homosexual. And why would any woman want a homosexual husband?

Some time you might ask him how he feels about being gay and ever so delicately suggest he get counseling or therapy. He can't change his orientation, but he can certainly learn to accept and enjoy it.

Not Gay -- But Wants Sex With Men?

Hi, I'm so happy I came across your web page.

I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.

He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....

Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.

The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:

1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.

2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]

3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]

As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?

As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.

I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.

Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.

Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!

Woman with Gay Husband

Hi,
I am a woman married to a man who identifies as gay. He was out and proud when we met 12 years ago, and was confused to find himself very attracted to me when he is not normally attracted to women. He eventually pursued a sexual relationship with me, basically couldn’t keep his hands off me, even more than any straight guy I’d been with, and after three years we got married. So we’ve now been married 8 and a half years and things have been cooling off a little. I am really not sure what to do. We love each other and want to stay together. I don’t know if this is normal for a 12 year relationship or if it because he is gay. I asked him if he thought his being gay was causing a problem in our relationship and he said “yeah, cuz you get upset if I check out guys in front of you.” I explained that his being gay is not the problem. Obviously men are going to look at people. I had been upset when he was openly disrespecting me and drooling over someone with his gay friends right in front of me. Any woman would be upset by that behavior, whether the guy is checking out men or women or whatever. I do not care at all if he is attracted to men as long as he is attracted to me, and as long as he is polite in public about it. Anyway, I have had lots of conflicting advice from different counselors about our situation. Some think he is just a normal guy and if I treat him as I would treat any straight guy, things will improve. Some say he is gay and will never be fulfilled by me. We think both those views are extremist and inappropriate for us. Any thoughts/advice?
Thanks,

I do have some thoughts on this matter but I don't know if it's what you want to hear. First let me say that you have to understand I am a long-time gay activist whose message has always been that it's okay to be gay, and that the whole point of Gay Rights and an acceptance of homosexuality is that gay men should be with men [to be true to their natures] and lesbians should be with other women. Therefore, I have never been a proponent of "mixed marriages" between a gay man and a straight person [or a member of the opposite sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.] You might say, well isn't gay rights about people being free to be with whomever they choose? No, for me it was about men being free to be with men and women with women. Mixed marriages generally come about due to the unhealthy needs of the two parties involved. The gay partner somehow needs to be seen as straight by society at large [which is where the wife comes in] and the straight partner simply wants to ignore the realities of the situation -- their partner's true sexual orientation -- out of their own, sometimes self-centered desires.

It seems a little odd to me that you say your husband is/was an "out and proud" gay man at one point, when many today would assume he was bisexual. If this is not the case [and without getting into the fact that "bisexuality" can on occasion be a completely false identification, political correctness be damned] then the relationship doesn't seem to make much sense. Why on Earth would you want a gay husband, and then have to play "policewoman" when he's out in public? If he's gay he's going to be attracted almost exclusively to guys -- this is something he simply can't change. It seems you've set up a tremendous burden for yourself by marrying someone who plays for the other team.

I also have to question his motives. You say he was "Out and Proud" but you may not fully understand what that means. There are, sadly, men who are openly gay but who are still full of guilt and shame and for some reason desire a heterosexual relationship. Women who marry guys like this sometimes suffer from self-esteem issues; they feel they can't do any better. So instead of being good friends to these guys and encouraging them to accept themselves, they marry them!

I'm going to be very, very blunt now and wonder just which of you is paying the bills? I don't like the way your husband tries to sort of sidestep the basic issue of his being gay by making it not about his sexual orientation but about your objecting to his flirting with men in your presence; it's a bit disingenuous of him. But I also have to say that your attitude of "I do not care at all if he is attracted to men as long as he is attracted to me, and as long as he is polite in public about it" is completely unrealistic. Even borderline homophobic. Why not just let this guy be gay and find a perfectly nice straight guy -- they do exist!

I have to agree with those who say that a homosexual man can not be completely fulfilled by a relationship with a woman. I have met and known many homosexual men with wives and sometimes families, and while these men may love their wives as best friends and companions, they can feel no true romantic passion for them. Often they fantasize about men while they are engaging in sex with their spouses. If this guy openly flirts with guys in front of you, you have to assume he's hooking up with them as well. One-night stands can lead to affairs can lead to long-time relationships. [I also have to say that I'm bothered by your use of the terms "normal guy" versus "gay," as if I have said anything over the years it is that being gay is not abnormal. Women who think they're somehow "saving" their men from homosexuality are way off the beam.]

I have made it clear in other posts that I have always been sympathetic to women who inadvertently marry men who are homosexual. I have also maintained that women who marry gay guys -- men they already know are attracted to men -- in the hopes they'll change, stay on the straight and narrow, or somehow magically transform into heterosexuals are asking for what they get. Which, invariably, is disappointment.

My advice is to turn your husband into a friend, and look for a genuinely heterosexual man to have a completely fulfilling relationship with.

It's not the twelve years -- it's that your husband is gay.

Out of the Gay Ghetto

Recently I was told by a friend that a friend of his surveyed this blog, and said -- and I paraphrase -- what does he [meaning me] know about anything? He stays in his gay ghetto and doesn't get out in the world [or words to that effect].

I have already posted my qualifications for writing this blog so you can click here and I won't repeat them. Except to say that I have never stayed in a "gay ghetto." I have straight friends and relatives whose company I greatly enjoy, have gone to parties where I may have been the only gay person present, have gone to innumerable non-gay bars and so on. Unlike the fellow who criticized me, I have also traveled extensively. [I don't believe this fellow has ever left the country -- or the state!] I've been to all the world capitols and then some, and have also traveled across the USA, although mostly in the east or south. Being a gay activist does not mean that I am a separatist, and I pretty much go wherever the hell I feel like going. [Ironically, I have been to Cape Cod many times but have never been - so far -- to that "gay ghetto" Provincetown!]

My interests are just as far-flung as my traveling. Some of my interests might be seen -- rightly or wrong -- as "gay," while most wouldn't be. Out of my thirty or so published books, none of them have been "gay" books [that may change in the future] and only a couple may have been seen as being of "gay interest" in publishing classifications.

So my opinions on this blog are informed and educated by a wider view of the world than this critic of mine would suggest.

For example, I always see red when I hear people, gay or straight, saying that gays are obsessed with youth and beauty. First of all, that opinion completely ignores the bear community, where it isn't about being young and pretty, and even more importantly, ignores the fact that virtually everyone in the world, regardless of sex or sexual orientation, has a hang up with age and looks. Some gay people are unaware of this because they are living in a ghetto, rarely interacting with people who aren't exactly like themselves. And superficial people tend to have friends who are just as superficial.

In any case, having a gay identity, being Out and Proud instead of a Self-Hating Homo, does not mean you are living in a "gay ghetto." And yes, I do understand --because I have met and talked with many of them -- those men who are homosexual but still feel full of shame, or are married and in the closet, or who are on the down-low and don't identify as gay, and so on. So I feel qualified to advise them as well.

After all, my message has always been It's Okay to Be Gay -- and what the hell is wrong with that?

Gay/LGBT Pride

June is LGBT PRIDE MONTH. We should be productive and help those people that are anti- gay about anything, become more aware of the Gay Community. Let's take the time this month to educate those around us about the LGBT Community, who we are, what we do and how all we want to do is live our lives in peace and not in fear. Please take an hour, a day or even a week this month. Open up your show/blog to this topic, since it is the month for awareness for all LGBT people in this country who just want what everyone else has: their human rights to live in this country as all other people do.

Excellent idea! It has been said that gay people are more accepted in this country not just because of the tireless efforts of activists, but because more and more "ordinary" people have come out of the closet. The more people who know that they have a gay relative, friend or co-worker, especially one whom they like and admire, the better the chances for acceptance. It is hoped that bloggers, gay and straight, will address this issue.

I recognize that some people, especially young people who may live at home with homophobic parents, can't come out. But I do get tired of excuses from older people who make their own living. One of the worst excuses is "I can't hurt my parents." How is coming out going to hurt your parents? It may educate them instead. Besides, many parents already know that their children are gay [I mean a 55 year-old-man who hasn't been on a date with a woman in thirty years -- come on!].

If you come out you may get razzed by co-workers or you may enlighten them, and discover that some friends and co-workers you never even suspected were gay -- it does happen -- will come out of the closet as well.

Anti-gay prejudice was particularly rife in those days when people thought the gay community only consisted of "a few guys in Greenwich Village." But there are millions of us. The more Out and Proud people there are in our community, the better for all of us. I understand that some people think of it as a private issue, but by hiding their sexuality they're missing an opportunity to provide support to gay acquaintances and education to straight ones. And let's make it clear that by coming out you are not discussing the intimate details of your sex life anymore than a person is who declares him or herself as hetero.

And we need to deal with those masses of fringe homosexuals who live in the closet, pretend they are straight, and just can't bring themselves to identify as gay due to deep-rooted shame and guilt. Some of these people immerse themselves in gay culture but still can't come out of the closet. If you know someone like that, suggest they get counseling. At least talk to them. Tell them It's Okay to Be Gay!

There are many gay/LGBT bloggers out there, many of whom are anonymous, some of whom are out, like me. I recognize that the Internet can seem like a big, scary place and some people are afraid to put themselves -- their real selves -- out there in cyberspace, but at least on one post during Gay Pride month these bloggers should identify themselves. I mean how can you talk about Gay Pride and remain anonymous. as if you've got something to be ashamed of?

Social Drinker?

I have a friend who I feel is drinking himself to death. I seemed to get through to him and he stopped drinking for awhile, but recently he told me that if he wants to drink he'll drink, and that's that. I want to do an intervention, but some other of his friends think I'm making too much of it and that he just likes to party. But he has told me that he has been very depressed lately because he is out of work. So he shouldn't be spending what little money he has on booze. I also think he's never quite accepted that he's gay. He says -- and some of his friends say -- that he's just a social drinker, but I know better. Anon.

You bring up a variety of issues in your question, but I'll try to address them.

First, there are people who drink heavily during difficult periods -- such as after the death of a loved one, or losing an important job. Your friend is depressed and wants to feel better, hence the partying, socializing -- and drinking. He doesn't want to sit home alone brooding. Still, whether he's a genuine alcoholic -- which is debatable in this instance -- or has a "drinking problem" in that he drinks way too much [I mean, your liver doesn't know the difference], there's only so much you can do. He's a grown man, and this may just be a phase. If you feel his drinking will ruin his chances of finding work, you can tactfully make that point to him -- when he's sober -- because eventually he'll have no money to party.

As for any shame he's suffering because he's gay: there are certainly people who drink heavily because they can't deal with their sexuality. The question is: is he drinking because he's depressed and out of work, because he can't deal with his homosexuality, or because -- as most of his other friends feel -- he just wants to have a good time? I suggest you give it some time to see what develops, and as this is Gay Pride month you might have a talk with him -- again when he's sober -- about how he feels about being gay, and suggest counseling at a local gay center if he needs help in feeling good about himself.