Thursday, May 23, 2013

Bi Boyfriend -- or Gay?

Hi "Dr." Bill,

I have a slightly different version of the "Is My Boyfriend Gay/Bi" question. I thought my friend X was gay because a mutual friend of ours told me he was. My friend also said that X identified as bisexual, but he didn't believe he was really interested in women. Anyway, I thought X was gay until we kissed one night and he started asking me out. Long story short--we've been dating for a few months, and let's just say that if X doesn't like women, he does a screamingly good job of faking it (hope that's not TMI).

My problem is I feel like X is trying to hide things from me. He gets really cagey when talking about certain male friends, and he recently went on a 5 day trip to visit an old friend who is openly gay. X can talk for an hour straight about what he had for dinner last night, but when I ask him about his trip, he clams up.

What I want to do is look X in the eye and say, "Are you bi? Because you wouldn't be the first bisexual guy I've dated, and to be honest, I think man love is hot. Now we're still in the early stages of this relationship where this could go anywhere. We could be exclusive, we could have an open relationship, you could have protected sex with guys and come home to me and describe it in filthy detail...the possibilities are endless. What I'm NOT open to is being with someone who hides a big part of their identity, or someone who acts like he wants monogamy when he really doesn't."

I really care about X and I want him in my life. Whether we work best as friends, partners, fwb, or other remains to be seen. But I can't get too far with any if these if I feel like he's hiding things from me.


Frankly, it sounds to me like this guy is one of these "bisexuals" who is basically gay but too ashamed to do much more than screw men on the sly while having a girlfriend to show to the world. These guys usually tell the men they get involved with that they like women, but rarely tell the women they are involved with that they like guys. [And gay men are perfectly capable of being good in bed with women; it's just not their preference.]I suggest you say to X exactly what you say in your question, if you haven't already.

But I have two thoughts [and keep in mind that I've been accused of being politically incorrect when it comes to the subject of bisexuality.] Bisexual men tend to be homosexual men who are ashamed of being gay and need women to a) make themselves feel more macho [along the lines of "real men fuck women"] and b) to provide a heterosexual front for themselves. Why give yourself this hassle? While it's great that you, as you say, find man-sex sexy and all that, why take a chance that your "bi" boyfriend will come to accept he's gay and/or develop romantic feelings for one of his playmates [whether he's gay or bi].

Lastly, I also have to say that there are a lot more straight men than gay men in the world, so why not leave the gay/bi guys alone for other men, LOL?

Best, Bill

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