Monday, May 20, 2013

Boyfriend with No Libido

Good Day

I wonder if you would be able to help me with a situation.

My boyfriend and i live together, I feel he has a dark secret
[?] that he has not told me.  He in the past had gay friends whom he used to act with in the theater, as well as socialize with outside of theater. He has told me that when a gay male hit on him they would protect him saying he is straight.
Recently he divulged that he went skinny dipping with a male he suspected might have been gay. I very much doubt a straight male would feel comfortable having a naked swim with a possibly gay male?
[Not every straight man thinks a gay man is going to rape him! -- Bill] He is very aware of gay men and i get a "whiff" of something when we happen to pass a gay male together, gay men are definitely looking at him and he notices them too.  He introduced me to an acquaintance, then later whispered in my ear he thinks the guy is in the closet.  My boyfriend has no libido and our sex life is terrible.  He has told me that anything to do with his anus is out of bounds as he has hemorrhoids.[Why would you want to go near his anus?]  He has a lot of patience [?]with gay people and so do I. I have asked him if he is bisexual or gay. His reaction to the gay question was not what i expected, he jumped up off the couch grabbed a cigarette, was very angry and told me he's never felt so insulted in all his life. He promises me that he is not gay? He did have an abusive father, but says he was never sexually molested by anyone...i am not too convinced of this?  He seldom performs oral on me (saying he doesn't do that often anyway) and seldom initiates sex saying he has no libido and suffers with erectile dysfunction, his testosterone is low (has had an injection for it) and he is going to the doctor to find out what is wrong with his body. He has suffered with ED since early 30s during his marriage.
I find him a very loving but totally oversensitive person in the aspect of he does not like a massage, a loving caress anywhere on his body in the same place for too long causes him great irritation and he says he cant stand it. He is getting so upset with me as I need intimacy in our relationship, he says the right things, treats me well etc...yet i cannot bond with him? All i want is for him to admit he is either gay/bisexual as that is only fair to me. 

Thanks so much

Your boyfriend has a lot of issues, in fact you both do. It's possible that he shies away from sexual contact because he's embarrassed by his impotency, which can have any number of causes. Doesn't mean he's gay. Sadly, most [straight] men over-react when someone suggests that they might be into guys. If you mention it again be non-judgmental and non-accusatory. Start a discussion by asking what he thinks of gay marriage and go on from there. I understand you both need to move on if it turns out he's basically homosexual.

I think you both have a problem with perhaps thinking that gay men are predators -- this business about him being "protected" when a guy made a pass at him, for instance. Some straight men think a gay guy is "making a pass" simply if he engages him in conversation! You come off a bit like a woman who is scared that your boyfriend will turn gay or come out if he succumbs to seduction from a gay man. But if he's gay he's gay, and nobody and nothing can just turn him into a homosexual.

Anyway, he sounds like he could use therapy, if for no other reason than to help him with his erectile dysfunction.

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