Monday, March 29, 2010
Well, I'm not exactly a health and beauty consultant, but I'll give it a try.
The very first thing that comes to mind is to try and stay in shape. Yes, I know I've said in the past that big, even obese, guys have their admirers in the gay community, but in general most of these guys are big, tall men with large frames. They may be fat, but they are also husky. I'm not saying that "roly poly" chubby guys don't have admirers -- they do [we call them "chubby chasers"] -- but even they have a certain type of body shape. If you don't fall into either category -- big and husky or roly poly [and in some cases even if you do] it's probably a good idea to keep your weight down. The simple truth is that too much fat in the belly and face makes most men look older and less attractive. While this is not always the case, guys who look younger than their age are generally slender and more fit. [Of course there are younger guys looking for daddybears -- or at least sugar daddies -- who may not care how old you are or how old you look, but at the same time, let's get real ... Younger guys generally want younger guys.]
We're not necessarily talking about joining a gym and playing racquetball, but it's really not that difficult to watch what you eat and get a little exercise. A half hour routine of aerobics three or four times a week can do wonders if you also try not to overdo the fatty, high-calorie foods and rich desserts. This doesn't mean you can't indulge now and then, of course. And walking to the store instead of driving can also burn a lot of calories. Walking is a great exercise. Exercise also helps keep you healthy as you get older.
Then it's a question of taking a good look at yourself and maximizing your assets. If you're balding on top it's probably not a good idea to grow your hair long or affect a -- yuchh -- ponytail. Bald or balding guys should keep the hair short or shave it all off; it just looks better. Long side hair on a guy who's bald on top does not fool anybody into thinking he's younger. As for gray hair, some lucky guys look quite attractive with the "silver fox" look and others just look old: "graybeards." Decide which you are and don't be afraid of a little dye job if it's necessary. But don't overdo it. Senior citizens, for instance, should not have jet black hair as if they were in their twenties. A dye job may not have to look entirely natural [one of the most attractive looks I ever saw on a guy was a gray beard with a dark mustache, which was undoubtedly dyed] but it shouldn't be totally unnatural either.
Just as important as all of these is a positive attitude. If you think of yourself as being "over the hill," everyone else will, too.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Drug and alcohol abuse are so common in our society that I think it would be a mistake to state with certainty that one group or another suffers more from abuse for whatever reasons.
There have certainly been cases of conflicted, self-hating gay people who drink to excess or use drugs to deal -- or rather not deal -- with their denial, doubt and torment over their sexuality.
But we have to remember two things:
Straight people also abuse drugs and alcohol, and it's unlikely that conflicts over their sexuality are responsible [although aging and the sometimes corresponding loss of potency or attraction to the opposite sex may play a part]. Likewise, gay people may abuse drugs or alcohol for reasons that are entirely unrelated to their sexual orientation: romantic problems; career or financial issues; disappointments in life -- the usual things that plague most people, who -- as Thoreau put it -- lead "lives of quiet desperation."
In any case, I think it's safe to say that the well-adjusted, Out and Proud members of the Gay community are much less likely to abuse drugs and alcohol for reasons related to their sexuality.
I frequently hear from women who think that their boyfriends or even husbands might be gay. I've decided to post a few pointers for women in this situation.
1.) Just because your boyfriend likes the arts, musical theater, etc., doesn't make him gay. Just as there are countless gay men who couldn't care less about Broadway musicals, opera, or Judy Garland, there are many heterosexual men who are either artists themselves or are fans of the performing arts, even -- yes -- musicals.
2.) Your boyfriend isn't necessarily gay just because he's a little "soft" or even "girlish" or non-macho in some way. Just as the vast majority of gay men are actually masculine, there are cases of heterosexual men who are somewhat effeminate. Also being bad in bed is not a prerequisite for being gay. Some honest-to-goodness straight guys are lousy or inexperienced lovers, and there are gay men who are able to satisfy a woman [by using fantasy if nothing else].
3.) When straight people talk of having "gaydar" they usually mean that they pick up on stereotypical behavior -- which is hardly a feat. Many gay people have a more advanced type "gaydar" that is not always tangible or easy to explain. Just because the man in your life rings a few "stereotype" bells doesn't make him gay.
4.) If he supports gay rights, gay marriage, doesn't seem to have homophobic attitudes, this just may make him an open-minded secure straight guy. Consider yourself lucky.
5.) Here are some red flags:
a.) He visits gay porn or dating sites on a regular basis and has a profile on a gay dating/sex site.
b.) He sends or receives sex-oriented email from other men.
c.) He is virulently homophobic, almost obsessively so, always going on about "fags" and the like as if he's trying to cover up something. [He may be a repressed homosexual.]
d.) When you're out to dinner he spends more time looking at the handsome waiter than he does at you. Ogles good-looking guys at parties.
e.) He admits to having had homosexual relations -- or relationships -- in the past, but says he is "all over that" or that it is "no big deal." Homosexuality is not some "condition" that just goes away. This fellow may be suffering from self-hatred, trying to use you to become an "ex-gay" [which never works], or is flat out using you for a beard.
There was a time when I would have said, "if you think your boyfriend is gay he probably is" but sometimes women can jump the gun. [Bisexual advocates insist some men are genuinely bisexual, but if in their heart of hearts -- and gonads -- their preference is men, then to all intents and purposes they're gay.] One thing I can say with certainty is that if a man has had sex with men in the past, he ain't straight. Aside from being in prison and under highly unusual circumstances, straight men do not have sex with men, no matter what you've heard.
If you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.
And for women who are sure that their husbands are gay, you can find support at the Straight Spouse Network.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
I wouldn't necessarily say that a heterosexual person could never indulge in homoerotic fantasies -- at least in a kind of "I wonder what it's like" sort of way -- but you seem to think that your boyfriend has gone way beyond that, which is a different story. I assume you base this on the emails he had with this man. A man whose had "a few encounters" with other men is not heterosexual.
Homosexuality isn't a phase or something you can switch on or off. Some men indulge in homosexual behavior and then stop not because they have lost these primal urges -- an attraction to other men -- but because they are giving in to feelings of shame or guilt; what we call "internalized homophobia." They want to lead a straight life without actually being straight. Some men like this repress their natural instincts -- which is not wise or healthy -- and others go on the "down low" for their homosexual encounters, hoping they will be discreet enough for the wife or girlfriend never to find out.
Bisexual advocates insist that some men are genuinely bisexual -- and your boyfriend would at the very least have to be put in this category -- but even then it's a question of which is his preference -- men or women? -- and if he's being entirely honest with himself about which it is. Some gay men go through a bisexual phase until they come to the honest conclusion that they are gay. If this happens early on it's one thing. If it happens after twenty years of marriage -- and this is not as uncommon as you might think -- that's another story.
I think women with bi, possibly gay, boyfriends have to get past this notion that their discomfort makes them narrow-minded or homophobic. It's a legitimate topic of concern. Who would want to marry a man who later comes out of the closet and needs to be with another man? What woman would want the man she loves to live a life of denial and dishonesty? Some women are just not comfortable with the fact that their boyfriends, gay or bi, are attracted to other men, just as most gay men are not comfortable with boyfriends who are [or at least say they are] attracted to women. [This is not misogyny or bigotry. It's just a turn off.]
While I would not suggest that you tell your boyfriend you were looking through his emails, you might on some occasion bring up the subject of swinging, bisexuality, etc when an opportunity arises. You might begin by admitting that you have fantasized about other women. [I'll let that pass for now because you were writing about your boyfriend.] It might lead into a frank and open discussion about his sexual orientation, or he might just give you a line of bull. Hopefully you know him well enough to be able to tell the difference.
While it may be unusual that three people -- all women -- should declare their love for -- or at least their attraction to -- you in a two-week period or so, I don't know if it means that all or most women are attracted to gay men. It may just mean that you're an attractive fellow who isn't obviously gay -- you say you haven't told most of your friends that you're gay [maybe you should] -- so the girls don't know that you've got a fella. Since they clearly didn't realize that you were gay, it can't be this "attraction" women supposedly have for gay men that's responsible.
There are women who are drawn to gay men. They used to be called "fag hags," a term that is dated and offensive [to both women and gay men]. Some of these women have low self-esteem and feel gay men won't size them up and judge them the way straight men will. Others are women who haven't come to terms with their lesbianism and hang out with gay guys until they feel comfortable enough to be with gay women.
In any case, this really only means that you're a good-lookin' dude who is appealing to both men and women. Unfortunately for the ladies who like you, you play for the other team. They'll get over it.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I think you've answered your own question. It's my belief [although I know others disagree] that if a person is overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex and only just a smidgen attracted to the opposite sex, then they are gay, not bi.
It's interesting that you've picked up that your guy may be putting on an act when he acts all "bi" in a gay bar. It seems to me that a genuinely bisexual guy wouldn't have to put on an act or childishly talk about how "hot" some gal was -- in a gay bar with his lover no less.
Some guys just have a need to keep some kind of "attachment" to the straight world. Once they come out as totally gay, they feel, there's no going back. He may also do it because he thinks it annoys you. In other words, he has issues. Some gay men identify as bi out of internalized homophobia, a failure to completely accept that they are gay and that it's okay to be gay. Maybe he has a need to feel "superior" or butcher" or have a more "macho" image, and this is what the "I Like and Fuck Women" attitude provides.
Give him a year or two. He may realize that he's just as gay as you are -- and like it!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Now this wasn't long ago, and it's still going on, and I can't talk to him because we are either with company I can't discuss this in front of, or with our friend who somehow always manages to out talk me or alone where he can out tongue me... so he's pretty much got me on a short leash on this. I keep trying time after time to convince him but I can't and I know that doing this will eventually land him into trouble, bad trouble. I mean I haven't been around most of the time he does this but I've seen him getting complimented and flirted with, and this makes me jealous, and I have bounced a couple of guys but apparently when it's just him and our friend he does flirt with them, and this also makes me mad. I need to talk to him, but I don't really know how to proceed... by the next time I see him I very much need to snap him out of this mad stuff!
Final note: I talked this over with one of my more mature and smart friends, he said something that seemed very interesting, that he may do this in order to attract attention from men -- is this logical? Why do you think he does this?
Well, my best guess is he does this because he's a drag queen -- a gay man who's also a transvestite [someone who gets off on wearing women's clothing and/or in having a female persona.] Some drag queens feel a need to live most of their lives -- at least [in their opinion] their real lives -- as women. They are not transsexuals, as such [perhaps some are], but they do have a strong female identification.
I'm not entirely certain why this troubles you so much since you have no problem with him being effeminate. Of course, there's a big difference between a kind of "girlish" guy and a drag queen. Do you guys live in a small town? Are you afraid he (or both of you) might be gay-bashed [a problem he might face even when he's not in drag, as you say he's somewhat obviously gay]? Until both of you are comfortable with his cross-dressing, it might be better for him to do it at home or only in gay clubs. [Not bear or leather bars, however, LOL.]
If he's a bonafide, genuine transvestite, he can't help his feelings, and he shouldn't be ashamed of it, and don't help him feel ashamed. I mean, you say he's feeling better about being gay -- it sounds like he's anxious to smash the closet door right off of its hinges -- so don't turn around and give him a complex about being a cross-dresser!
Some gay men, after they come out, especially the more stereotypical members of our community, want everyone to know and go about it in the most flamboyant way possible, and I suppose this whole cross-dressing thing might just be a "gay" act he's putting on, trying to be as wild and "out" as he can be. It probably amuses him that it freaks you out.
On the other hand, he might be a legitimate "TV." A Christian drag queen? Why not? You can either deal with it or you can't.
As for wanting to attract attention from men? Well, most gay men are turned on by masculinity, not by guys in dresses, but there are exceptions. If for some bizarre and pointless reason he's trying to turn on straight guys, he's just asking for trouble, especially if he's convincing enough to pass for a "real" woman. Nothing gets a homophobic straight guy angrier than being turned on/flirted with by a woman who turns out to be a guy.
I suggest you sit down and talk with him and find out just how far he's into the drag scene, and how far into it he wants to go. Does he eventually want to live most of the time in female drag and with a female name and persona? The vast majority of gay men have absolutely no interest in dressing up in drag, but those who do really dive into it and some never come up for air. This just may be a phase for your boyfriend or it may be the real deal.
It doesn't make you a bigot if the drag thing becomes a turn off for you, but it may mean that this guy just ain't the right guy for you after all. But remember, there's nothing really wrong in being a transvestite or drag queen.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
I need some serious advice please, if at all possible.
I am an openly gay male and have always found myself falling for straight men, I have done the same again recently.
It was completely unexpected this time as I have known him for a year and have never thought of him sexually. He has always had girlfriends, many in fact and they last on average 6 - 12 weeks; he has also been married.
Recently we all went out for drinks and met a couple of girls, he was attracted to one of them, they came back to his apartment and had a few drinks and then left. I stayed and said I would sleep on the sofa; he said no we can share his bed. Anyway cut a long story short we ended up spooning each other all night, nothing sexual happened although there were a few occasions when something could have, or so I think, it could be my over active imagination. Now I can't get this bloke out of my mind and it's driving me crazy. We text each other like nothing happened, but joked with friends the day after that we spooned all night
I had a really bad relationship 10 years ago and have never been able to hold down a relationship since. I am possessive and completely irrational when to comes to relationships; I didn't have a very good time growing up, shy, insecure bad relationship with father who basically made me feel like a piece of crap from a very young age, never thought much of myself etc etc etc. I have had counselling but I am still the same.
Why do I always fall for men I cannot have, almost to the point of obsession? I ain't getting any younger and if I continue like this I can see myself being single forever.
Any advice you can give me would be fantastic, anything at all.
Thanks & regards
Well, in a sense you've answered your own question. People who have low self-esteem, whatever the cause, generally wind up with the wrong people, for they feel deep down that they're not worthy of someone who might be more suitable for them. Falling again and again for inappropriate people is almost a form of emotional masochism. You need to stop punishing yourself for things you have no control over. If you have any issues over being gay, you have to realize that it's okay to be gay and it doesn't make you in the least unworthy of love.
Now I confess I'm a little confused about this business with spooning with the straight guy. Unless the couch was really uncomfortable I don't understand why he asked you to share the bed, even if he doesn't know that you're gay. I mean, I'm a gay guy, but I wouldn't ask another man, gay or straight, to share my bed unless I planned on having -- or wanted to have -- sex with him. Unless sex is involved, most people give unexpected guests the couch. Are you sure this guy is straight?
[Interjection: if by "spooning" you mean that the two of you basically cuddled together, that's one thing. The more archaic definition of "spooning" is basically "making out;" kissing. If that's what you were doing this guy ain't straight.]
Not to give you false hopes here, but you might -- in a joking fashion -- ask him why he insisted you share the bed [especially if he knows you're gay]. Is he bi-curious, you might ask. Ease into it with caution and sensitivity and you may get a surprise.
Then again, maybe the couch really is damn uncomfortable and he was too drunk to care who was in his bed. Or he might have been afraid you'd be offended if he insisted you take the couch, that you'd think he was intimating you'd come on to him.
But back to the main problem. Ask yourself if it's just coincidence that you keep falling for straight guys -- it happens to all of us now and then -- or do you seek them out? Would you prefer a less attractive straight man over a more attractive gay one? Do you resist relationships with other gay men? Is it their unavailability or merely the fact that they're straight?
Some gay men have an old-fashioned yen for supposedly heterosexual men, and it usually relates to those self-esteem issues. Because they feel inferior and are gay, they subconsciously feel all gay men are somehow inferior -- less than men -- and therefore they desire to be with a "superior" heterosexual man. You can see the problem, as in most cases a genuinely heterosexual man has absolutely no desire to be with a gay guy. "Straight" guys who have sex with men are either closet cases who live straight lives [with girlfriends, wives and children] or are at the very least bisexual; they aren't straight.
Since you say counseling hasn't done you any good, I would suggest putting yourself out there in the dating scene, using on-line sites to hook up with guys who are gay, who are attractive to you, and staying away from the straight guys and "bad boys." You deserve someone who will bring you happiness and not confusion and misery. There are plenty of nice, decent totally gay men out there who might make you the perfect partner. Try to curb that possessiveness -- until the fourth date, at least; it only scares people off. I recognize this is easier said than done, but it can be done with a little will power.
We all wind up falling for inappropriate guys [sheesh, I once developed an infatuation on a guy half my age who worked in a gay bar but insisted he was straight; talk about messed-up situations!] but the trick is to just refuse, no matter how difficult, to let it go too far. Your heart can go in directions that your head doesn't want to go, but sometimes you just have to say "this will not work" and move on.
Once you're convinced that this "spooning" character is really straight, get him out of your mind by pursuing the first gay guy who appeals to you and who seems to like you as well. It's great to have open-minded straight friends, but when it comes to sex and romance, always go gay.
I hope some of this has been of help to you. All the best!
The answer for both of these sad individuals is: desperation.
He's a self-hating homosexual man who can't accept himself and needs a girlfriend to "prove" to people that he's straight. He probably also has trouble holding down a job.
She's a woman of very low self-esteem who wants a boyfriend -- even if he's gay and even if she has to pay to keep him around. [Sometimes women like this are repressed or closeted lesbians and therefore don't care if their boyfriend has sex with them or not.] The fact that she seems to support him is very telling. Some gay men will be all too happy to live/sleep with a woman -- especially if the sexual demands are not too great -- if the woman is paying all the bills. These men, of course, are not Out and Proud, well-adjusted gay guys. In fact, both of these people have serious self-esteem issues.
While effeminacy and a good fashion sense [especially the latter] aren't always signs of homosexuality in men, this guy has admitted to an attraction to men in the past. A person can't change his orientation, so when he says he "isn't like that anymore" he simply means he is repressing his natural instincts. Men like this are often called "ex-gays:" they're still homosexual, of course, but they try to interact strictly with women, live a "straight" life -- generally with disastrous results.
If these two people want to be loving friends, that's one thing, but their relationship right now is simply one of denial. Both of them could benefit from counseling and therapy so that they can feel better about themselves. If the woman in this situation really loves this man, she'll do her best to help him come out of the closet and find a healthy self-acceptance.
And she needs to realize that buying a man's affection never works, and that no woman can change a gay man into a straight one. Hopefully both of these individuals will come to their senses and try to find more realistic and positive relationships in the future.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I agree that when a closet gay or (supposed "bisexual) does not tell his partner he is sexually confused, doesn't tell her thinks he's "bi" or might be gay, but lives with her for years, is DEFRAUDING her. While some guys may sex [have sex with] both men and women, I disagree with the term “bisexual.” I believe that those who use that word to describe themselves use it to “feed-forward” to society and the world that it’s okay to sex both men and women, when, in actuality, I’ll bet that most of those who call themselves “bi” are SEXUALLY CONFUSED from having been raped as children, and they want to “re-live” their sexual abuse (“purge” if you will) their experience onto their adult female partners. I think this was the case with my ex of many years. He hid his “other side” from me until the very end, and it was SICK, DEMENTED, ABUSIVE behavior. No. I believe the only TRUE “bisexuals” are hermaphrodites..those born with BOTH sets of sex organs, and think that others who try to “promote” the THEORY of bisexuality want to make it SEEM like their SICK, SEXUAL IDENTITY CONFUSION is “normal”. It’s NOT normal. My ex was a “bottom”, too, I think. In my 9th year with him, he joined a swingers’ site, advertising himself as BI (or bi-curious, but he clearly indicated “BI”), seeking BI sex. His first wife and I had a conversation, finally. She told me he wanted her to “reverse” sex roles with her, for her to be the GUY, and wear a STRAP-ON. Of course, she didn’t comply. One time, he donned one of my wigs and underwear. THAT should have been my BIG PINK FLAG to get out. I just thought he was being silly at the time. He also told me that when he was age 12, his gay male cousin, at age 15, had oral sex with him; that would be enough to mess anyone up in the head, for the rest of his/her life. He cheated on BOTH wives, and both OTHER women, besides them, with whom he lived. After all was said and done, he even tried to project that I was lesbian (I’m not), and I believe he just wanted me as SEXUALLY CONFUSED as he is/was. I am thoroughly SICK of these DOWN-LOW males..won’t call them “men”…just SICK freaks. According to what I’ve read on DDHG and womansavers.com, most of them are GIGOLOS, too. Don’t believe me? See my profile on womansavers.com, for [deleted]. I also disagree with Gay Dr. Bill when he says that marriages can work if bisexuality is a "known" before the marriage. I think that can work only if the man and woman have agreed for her to be a "beard", or if they both are, in reality, swingers.
Okay, there's a lot to deal with here, so I'll get right to the main stuff.
It's obvious that you had a long-time relationship with a man who turned out to be gay or bisexual in his behavior, and who cheated on you on a pretty constant basis. As you know, I disapprove of men -- whether they are, or think they are, gay, bi, whatever -- who do not disclose their same-sex attractions to the women they date or marry. In fact, after forty years of the modern day Gay Rights movement, I'm pretty sick of this type of behavior and the people it hurts -- the women used as beards, and the men who live in a closet and who can't come to terms with their own sexuality.
That being said, there are some things that I find a touch troubling with your post. This is not the time or place to go into a long discussion on the ins and outs, realities and myths, of bisexuality, or what sometimes passes for same, but I don't know if bisexual behavior -- that is, people sleeping/getting involved with members of both sexes -- can be linked to childhood sexual abuse. In cases of phony or ersatz bisexuality, it's more likely that the individual can't accept their essentially homosexual nature, so they cling to a "normal" heterosexual relationship or marriage while seeking out the partners they really want on, as you call it, the down low. Undoubtedly, there are people who identify as bisexual who are confused as to their sexuality, working it out until they feel comfortable being gay. It would be wrong to assume that someone who is genuinely bisexual is "sick" or "maladjusted" as it would be to assume that about someone who is gay.[For the record, it is unlikely that hermaphrodites of the type you mention actually exist. The modern-day term for such people is intersexed, and they do not have both male and female sexual organs, but rather a commingling of both. The parents decide -- via surgery -- which sex the child will be, and when that child is an adult he or she can decide to stay that way or change their sex again via surgery.]
I am also troubled by your talk of "sick" and "demented" behavior. While I understand your outrage that your man was cheating on you and lying to you about himself, it doesn't mean that the homosexual activities he indulged in were in any way depraved. You might find them repellent, but that doesn't make them in any way perverse. Remember it is society's negative attitudes about homosexual behavior that often drive men like the guy you're mad at into the closet [not that this necessarily excuses them].
As for down-low gay/bi guys being gigolos, well, there are an awful lot of genuinely heterosexual men who live off women as well -- I wouldn't say it's just a gay or bi thing, would you? We have to remember there are a lot of married [to women] homosexual men who have been good providers for their wives and children regardless of their true sexual feelings and identities. And there have been many cases of men who get married, then accept that they are gay, continuing to provide for their families even after they get divorced and find a male partner.
Okay. You got stuck with a stinker. But maybe your next romantic adventure will be with a man who is honest and good.