Monday, March 1, 2010

Gay/Bi Guys Who Cheat on Their Gals

I received this comment in regards to my post on "Perpetrating Fraud?":

I agree that when a closet gay or (supposed "bisexual) does not tell his partner he is sexually confused, doesn't tell her thinks he's "bi" or might be gay, but lives with her for years, is DEFRAUDING her. While some guys may sex [have sex with] both men and women, I disagree with the term “bisexual.” I believe that those who use that word to describe themselves use it to “feed-forward” to society and the world that it’s okay to sex both men and women, when, in actuality, I’ll bet that most of those who call themselves “bi” are SEXUALLY CONFUSED from having been raped as children, and they want to “re-live” their sexual abuse (“purge” if you will) their experience onto their adult female partners. I think this was the case with my ex of many years. He hid his “other side” from me until the very end, and it was SICK, DEMENTED, ABUSIVE behavior. No. I believe the only TRUE “bisexuals” are hermaphrodites..those born with BOTH sets of sex organs, and think that others who try to “promote” the THEORY of bisexuality want to make it SEEM like their SICK, SEXUAL IDENTITY CONFUSION is “normal”. It’s NOT normal. My ex was a “bottom”, too, I think. In my 9th year with him, he joined a swingers’ site, advertising himself as BI (or bi-curious, but he clearly indicated “BI”), seeking BI sex. His first wife and I had a conversation, finally. She told me he wanted her to “reverse” sex roles with her, for her to be the GUY, and wear a STRAP-ON. Of course, she didn’t comply. One time, he donned one of my wigs and underwear. THAT should have been my BIG PINK FLAG to get out. I just thought he was being silly at the time. He also told me that when he was age 12, his gay male cousin, at age 15, had oral sex with him; that would be enough to mess anyone up in the head, for the rest of his/her life. He cheated on BOTH wives, and both OTHER women, besides them, with whom he lived. After all was said and done, he even tried to project that I was lesbian (I’m not), and I believe he just wanted me as SEXUALLY CONFUSED as he is/was. I am thoroughly SICK of these DOWN-LOW males..won’t call them “men”…just SICK freaks. According to what I’ve read on DDHG and, most of them are GIGOLOS, too. Don’t believe me? See my profile on, for [deleted]. I also disagree with Gay Dr. Bill when he says that marriages can work if bisexuality is a "known" before the marriage. I think that can work only if the man and woman have agreed for her to be a "beard", or if they both are, in reality, swingers.

Okay, there's a lot to deal with here, so I'll get right to the main stuff.

It's obvious that you had a long-time relationship with a man who turned out to be gay or bisexual in his behavior, and who cheated on you on a pretty constant basis. As you know, I disapprove of men -- whether they are, or think they are, gay, bi, whatever -- who do not disclose their same-sex attractions to the women they date or marry. In fact, after forty years of the modern day Gay Rights movement, I'm pretty sick of this type of behavior and the people it hurts -- the women used as beards, and the men who live in a closet and who can't come to terms with their own sexuality.

That being said, there are some things that I find a touch troubling with your post. This is not the time or place to go into a long discussion on the ins and outs, realities and myths, of bisexuality, or what sometimes passes for same, but I don't know if bisexual behavior -- that is, people sleeping/getting involved with members of both sexes -- can be linked to childhood sexual abuse. In cases of phony or ersatz bisexuality, it's more likely that the individual can't accept their essentially homosexual nature, so they cling to a "normal" heterosexual relationship or marriage while seeking out the partners they really want on, as you call it, the down low. Undoubtedly, there are people who identify as bisexual who are confused as to their sexuality, working it out until they feel comfortable being gay. It would be wrong to assume that someone who is genuinely bisexual is "sick" or "maladjusted" as it would be to assume that about someone who is gay.

[For the record, it is unlikely that hermaphrodites of the type you mention actually exist. The modern-day term for such people is intersexed, and they do not have both male and female sexual organs, but rather a commingling of both. The parents decide -- via surgery -- which sex the child will be, and when that child is an adult he or she can decide to stay that way or change their sex again via surgery.]

I am also troubled by your talk of "sick" and "demented" behavior. While I understand your outrage that your man was cheating on you and lying to you about himself, it doesn't mean that the homosexual activities he indulged in were in any way depraved. You might find them repellent, but that doesn't make them in any way perverse. Remember it is society's negative attitudes about homosexual behavior that often drive men like the guy you're mad at into the closet [not that this necessarily excuses them].

As for down-low gay/bi guys being gigolos, well, there are an awful lot of genuinely heterosexual men who live off women as well -- I wouldn't say it's just a gay or bi thing, would you? We have to remember there are a lot of married [to women] homosexual men who have been good providers for their wives and children regardless of their true sexual feelings and identities. And there have been many cases of men who get married, then accept that they are gay, continuing to provide for their families even after they get divorced and find a male partner.

Okay. You got stuck with a stinker. But maybe your next romantic adventure will be with a man who is honest and good.


Anonymous said...

I can honestly say I have some empathy for the woman who made that post and I can honestly say I understand where she's coming from on the bisexuality issue. Myself, I was in the middle of a relationship between a man who I always thought was gay and his "cover" girlfriend (who he has a child by). One night while he, his sister and I were out and about (and after he had a few), he made a pass at me while his sister was pulled over on a back-road so I could pee. He got out of the vehicle when I was finished and told me how he felt about me and asked for a hug (one that lasted more than 20 seconds with some groping). Later that night he told me that he and his girlfriend were separated and he wanted to be with me. We spend that night together and two days later, he told me it was a mistake and that he was messed up on pills along with the alcohol that night. But the kicker is, EVERY bisexual man I've met has done something like this. And its always some big secret. Why? I don't understand it. And in many ways, I feel like a bisexual person should just pick a gender and stick with it. With all likes and dislikes, you always like or dislike one more than the other, anyway. Being decietful and secretive hurts everyone involved (especially when they lie to the person they're cheating with). A kind of "have it all" attitude. I could see if it was an attraction to personality and not just physique, but from what I can tell, its only about sex. I guess some people are just sex-crazed maniacs that can't control their hormones nowadays. And lady, if you're that upset about a man that did you like that, you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself to get a grip! The man was no good for you anyway. You're better off and you'll find better. Count on it.

Bill Samuels said...

I appreciate your comments. I've always felt that "bisexual" men of the type you describe aren't so much genuinely bisexual but really closet queens who can't accpet their homosexual feelings. They can't sustain relationships with other men because of their guilt and shame. Without necessarily meaning to, the can really mess with the heads [no pun intended] of both the man and women they get involved with.

A true bisexual, at least according to the latest theories, can be satisfied with either a man or woman [although even there we have to factor in preference] so it really tends to be homosexual men who need to cheat on their wives with other men on a regular basis.

The man you describe uses that tiresome old excuse of pills and alcohol, but getting wasted doesn't turn a person gay. It's awlays a big secret, as you put it, because these guys are closeted and guilt-wracked and don't want it getting out to their wives, girlfriends or anybody else that they are attracted to men.

They would all be better off with counseling and a good solid dose of gay pride.

Again, thanks for your comments.