Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?
 
What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. 

Gay/Bi Guys Who Cheat on Their Gals

I received this comment in regards to my post on "Perpetrating Fraud?":

I agree that when a closet gay or (supposed "bisexual) does not tell his partner he is sexually confused, doesn't tell her thinks he's "bi" or might be gay, but lives with her for years, is DEFRAUDING her. While some guys may sex [have sex with] both men and women, I disagree with the term “bisexual.” I believe that those who use that word to describe themselves use it to “feed-forward” to society and the world that it’s okay to sex both men and women, when, in actuality, I’ll bet that most of those who call themselves “bi” are SEXUALLY CONFUSED from having been raped as children, and they want to “re-live” their sexual abuse (“purge” if you will) their experience onto their adult female partners. I think this was the case with my ex of many years. He hid his “other side” from me until the very end, and it was SICK, DEMENTED, ABUSIVE behavior. No. I believe the only TRUE “bisexuals” are hermaphrodites..those born with BOTH sets of sex organs, and think that others who try to “promote” the THEORY of bisexuality want to make it SEEM like their SICK, SEXUAL IDENTITY CONFUSION is “normal”. It’s NOT normal. My ex was a “bottom”, too, I think. In my 9th year with him, he joined a swingers’ site, advertising himself as BI (or bi-curious, but he clearly indicated “BI”), seeking BI sex. His first wife and I had a conversation, finally. She told me he wanted her to “reverse” sex roles with her, for her to be the GUY, and wear a STRAP-ON. Of course, she didn’t comply. One time, he donned one of my wigs and underwear. THAT should have been my BIG PINK FLAG to get out. I just thought he was being silly at the time. He also told me that when he was age 12, his gay male cousin, at age 15, had oral sex with him; that would be enough to mess anyone up in the head, for the rest of his/her life. He cheated on BOTH wives, and both OTHER women, besides them, with whom he lived. After all was said and done, he even tried to project that I was lesbian (I’m not), and I believe he just wanted me as SEXUALLY CONFUSED as he is/was. I am thoroughly SICK of these DOWN-LOW males..won’t call them “men”…just SICK freaks. According to what I’ve read on DDHG and womansavers.com, most of them are GIGOLOS, too. Don’t believe me? See my profile on womansavers.com, for [deleted]. I also disagree with Gay Dr. Bill when he says that marriages can work if bisexuality is a "known" before the marriage. I think that can work only if the man and woman have agreed for her to be a "beard", or if they both are, in reality, swingers.

Okay, there's a lot to deal with here, so I'll get right to the main stuff.

It's obvious that you had a long-time relationship with a man who turned out to be gay or bisexual in his behavior, and who cheated on you on a pretty constant basis. As you know, I disapprove of men -- whether they are, or think they are, gay, bi, whatever -- who do not disclose their same-sex attractions to the women they date or marry. In fact, after forty years of the modern day Gay Rights movement, I'm pretty sick of this type of behavior and the people it hurts -- the women used as beards, and the men who live in a closet and who can't come to terms with their own sexuality.

That being said, there are some things that I find a touch troubling with your post. This is not the time or place to go into a long discussion on the ins and outs, realities and myths, of bisexuality, or what sometimes passes for same, but I don't know if bisexual behavior -- that is, people sleeping/getting involved with members of both sexes -- can be linked to childhood sexual abuse. In cases of phony or ersatz bisexuality, it's more likely that the individual can't accept their essentially homosexual nature, so they cling to a "normal" heterosexual relationship or marriage while seeking out the partners they really want on, as you call it, the down low. Undoubtedly, there are people who identify as bisexual who are confused as to their sexuality, working it out until they feel comfortable being gay. It would be wrong to assume that someone who is genuinely bisexual is "sick" or "maladjusted" as it would be to assume that about someone who is gay.

[For the record, it is unlikely that hermaphrodites of the type you mention actually exist. The modern-day term for such people is intersexed, and they do not have both male and female sexual organs, but rather a commingling of both. The parents decide -- via surgery -- which sex the child will be, and when that child is an adult he or she can decide to stay that way or change their sex again via surgery.]

I am also troubled by your talk of "sick" and "demented" behavior. While I understand your outrage that your man was cheating on you and lying to you about himself, it doesn't mean that the homosexual activities he indulged in were in any way depraved. You might find them repellent, but that doesn't make them in any way perverse. Remember it is society's negative attitudes about homosexual behavior that often drive men like the guy you're mad at into the closet [not that this necessarily excuses them].

As for down-low gay/bi guys being gigolos, well, there are an awful lot of genuinely heterosexual men who live off women as well -- I wouldn't say it's just a gay or bi thing, would you? We have to remember there are a lot of married [to women] homosexual men who have been good providers for their wives and children regardless of their true sexual feelings and identities. And there have been many cases of men who get married, then accept that they are gay, continuing to provide for their families even after they get divorced and find a male partner.

Okay. You got stuck with a stinker. But maybe your next romantic adventure will be with a man who is honest and good.

Trendsetter?

Ok, Dr Bill, this is an admittedly loaded question and maybe a little off-topic but I believe you are a very fashionable trendsetter. What I'm asking is: have you noticed that, in "From Paris with Love," John Travolta has completely stolen your look? What do you make of that?

Well, I think Travolta [pictured] has never looked better! [For the record, I started shaving my head completely after the photos for this blog were taken]. But the last thing I am is a "fashionable trendsetter," although I appreciate the compliment.

I love the "cueball" look. [Although one fellow somewhat grumpily told me that the term cueball can only be used for guys with smooth faces, not mustaches, beards, or goatees. I don't care. I still call this the "cueball" look.]

What I find bizarre is that this look is now being affected even by guys who aren't losing, or haven't lost, their hair. I see cueballs in their twenties, for crying out loud! Why shave your head when you've got a full head of hair? Although, like I say, I do admire a shaved head!

Now the question is -- is this a "gay" look or not? The shaved head became popular with Yul Brynner, or at least he was the first celebrity to sport one. Brynner, to my knowledge, was not gay, however. Did gay men take up the banner for this look first, or was it just edgier guys, gay and straight?

Opinions, anyone?

A Dye Job to Die For

Dr Bill, what do you think of this? Maybe it will give you a laugh. I was cruising a guy one night when he turns to me and says "I love your beard but you shouldn't dye it." Dr Bill -- I don't dye my beard! PH

Oops! Maybe he was just hoping you were older than he was! Did he have gray in his own beard? Or maybe he was just telling you that if it got to the point where you wanted to dye it, you should keep it natural. Whatever the case, I have to tell you that if anybody ever asked me if I dyed my goatee I'd probably just say:

"Yes -- Every St. Patty's Day I dye it green!"

You can steal the line if you want. Feel free to try variations such as "Halloween" and "orange" and "Ground hog's Day" and "blue."

I think you get the idea.