Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?

What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay

No comments: