Husband into Transsexual Porn

Hello Dr. Bill. I wanted to ask your opinion on this. For background my husband was molested when he was a child for several years by a man. He said he used to dress up like a girl to try and make it stop. He slept with a man about  a year before we met. He said he had just moved and was lonely and drunk. He was able to finish but vomited right after. When he talked about it he said the guy was so weak. Now we have been married for several years. I was also molested as a child. In dealing with that it caused me to do some sexual experimentation. My husband expressed to me he would like to be with a transsexual. I agreed as long as we were both involved. He contacted someone on his own and l found out. Then he said that he did not really want to be with one. He said that he has been looking at transsexual porn for a long time, although he says he does not find them attractive in real life. He said regular porn does not do it for him and that he likes that they are ultra feminine and that its dirty. Its always just the sex part and always male on trans. He hates it when its reversed. He also does not like gay porn. I am very open to everyone and have gay friends and family members. But this entire thing makes me feel like he is not satisfied with me and I am holding him back. He swears that he loves me and that it just gets him off. So my question is do you think he is gay and suppressing it? Or does it have to do with the molestation?  We talk about it quite a bit. I am driving him crazy and making him feel less of a man. I don't know what the truth is.  I understand attraction to a man or women. But a man that dresses up? I don't. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you. 

First of all, "a man that dresses up" is not a transsexual but a cross-dresser or transvestite [or "drag queen."] A transsexual is a man or woman who is born into the wrong biological body and has a sex-change to turn them into the right sex. 

Some men who are attracted to males and can't accept it become fixated on cross-dressers because they look like women and act like women but are male with male genitalia. Similarly, transsexuals have become women but biologically they were born male, which some men find homo-erotically titillating. Some Trans Women have not fully transitioned -- had a full sex change -- and still have male genitalia. Men who are attracted to these pre-operative transsexuals may be as interested in the penis as in anything else. To their way of thinking, it's one way of sort of having sex with men while safely feeling that you're really with a woman [and Trans Women are women]. 

Most people have certain fetishes or "kinks" that they find sexually stimulating, and while these may be unpleasant or uninteresting to their mates, they are generally harmless. If your husband limits his extra-curricular activities to looking at transsexual porn than there's probably nothing to worry about.

The fact that your husband was molested as a child by a man might have contributed to his own confusion over his sexual orientation, which sometimes happens to men who have been molested by males when they were boys. On the other hand, his reaction to having sex with a man -- he did it because he was "drunk and lonely," got sick later on, and thought the guy was "weak," could indicate a serious case of what we call "internalized homophobia" or gay self-hatred.

There is no easy answer.  You understand that there are so many issues here that only an analyst could get to the bottom of everything and only after repeated visits. If all of this bothers either of you, you might -- with tact-- suggest that your husband see an open-minded therapist who can take him through all these sexual highways and best determine the right road for him to travel on. But don't suggest that there's something wrong with him, as there isn't.

Boyfriend's Sexuality

Hi I was wondering if you could help me with this:

I am female and was in a common law relationship with my husband for the past several years.  We have recently split up. Since the split up was a bit shocking to me and my husband has been pretty quiet to the reasoning behind it except to blame it on me, I was doing a bit of snooping to see if I could figure out why. I found a recent credit card statement that had me puzzled to a purchase so I called the toll free number to find out what it was. Turns out it is a gay/bi, guys only dating or hook up site. When calling to investigate what it was, they willingly provided me with information about the account since I had acted as if I was unaware of the charge. My husband has been a free member of the site for several years and he has been a paying member for over a year. They even provided me with the user name and email address used for the account so there is no denying it is him.

I’m sure you can imagine my shock, surprise and initial anger, but since we are still trying to work through a separation agreement I have decided to not rock the boat right now. I have taken the time to read through many of your posts and like a lot of the direction you provide people with in somewhat similar situations. That being said I think my initial anger has subsided except for the anger of involving myself, my children and our own child in this scenario when he was obviously aware of his desires at the time. I rationalize that perhaps he was still mixed with his emotions and afraid of his own feelings and therefore was hoping a new relationship/family would fix what he seems to view as a problem? With having time to think this through I can now see some of the possible “warning signs” that I obviously overlooked. He was constantly wanting me to allow him to have anal sex with me and he liked to perform anal sex with toys on himself. If this is a big enough sign? He has even stated since our break up that he has “looked into” being gay. I brushed this off as a joke at the time.

So truly my question, once the dust settles from the turmoil of our separation do I confront him on what I know now? I have no intentions of being angry with him. I am more thinking along the lines of allowing him to have someone to talk to if he so wishes. Ultimately, is it fair for me to “out” him when he probably isn’t prepared for me to know this information? But I also don’t want to hold this in and at some point blurt it out in anger…

I think it would be helpful for you to at some point have a discussion with this man regarding his sexuality. You may be right that he was conflicted and not necessarily trying to defraud you or use you as a beard. Nevertheless, he knew about his attraction to men all the while. Some men like this consider themselves bisexual -- rightly or wrongly as each case is different -- but being bi does not mean a person has to have both sexes -- in other words, cheating is cheating. When all is said and done you are well out of the relationship. I must say his blaming you for the break-up is completely unfair as he was dishonest with you on many levels. I think at some point you need to get it out in a non-judgmental fashion if for no other reason than to get closure and move on.

Gay Ex-Husband?

I  married a man, and after the marriage it seemed like he was gay and eventually we divorced.

We dated off and on for four years and then we married.  Before I married him a woman from his alcoholics anonymous meeting kept warning that men like him will marry me and then stop having sex with me, but before the marriage I never understood what she was getting at because our sex life before we married was good.   As soon as we married he lost interest in me sexually.  He soon wanted me thinner, blonder, and tanner. But the tanner, the thinner I got and longer haired and blonder I got he was still not attracted to me.

 After a few years of this I went back to being brunette and stayed healthy but stopped trying to keep up with his constantly changing critiques. I was attractive before our marriage and kept myself attractive throughout the marriage. In the first year, we bought a house and he told me, after we moved into the house,  that now he got his house and he told me he did not need me anymore. I was in shock but my mother told me to hang in there.

 That whole time he was not interested in sex.  He seemed to not be able to have an erection. Sex became very rare and he was angry afterwards,  but he wanted blow jobs.  Then the last two years of the marriage there was no sex.  He complained constantly of being unhappy and was always trying to start a fight.  He was always busy with work or friends. If he was at home he went to bed around six and fell asleep.

 After five years of marriage we divorced.   I never confronted him with being gay because I knew that I would not get a straight answer, and his personality was unpredictable.  But he was always restless and miserable and uninterested in sex. But I would catch him masturbating upon occasion.  I have lived with  other men and even when they were unhappy they wanted sex.

My questions are:  Do gay men pretend to be straight and then seem to not be able to follow through with the marriage and straight sex for the long haul?
 
What are the signs that a husband is actually gay?  If this guy was not gay, what else could it have been? (maybe he just wanted out of the marriage)

Frankly, there are so many reasons why a marriage and a sex life can go south that we can't necessarily pin your marriage's problems on your husband's sexual orientation. Also, "mixed" marriages -- where one partner is straight and the other gay [generally closeted] can play out in different ways. Some closeted husbands eschew sex with the wife for one reason or another [often blaming the wife's appearance or some other reason] while others continue to have sex and children with their spouse. Some closeted husbands seek out men to have sex with on the side while others, repressed and ashamed and in denial, try to suppress those urges. Being essentially gay doesn't mean a man can't have sex with women [some have zero interest and couldn't perform while others can father numerous children] but that he prefers being with men and should have a male lifetime partner.

Sadly, even in this supposedly more enlightened day and age there are homosexual men [I won't call them "gay" because they don't identify that way and are not exactly what we'd call Out and Proud] who use women as beards, to parade around as proof of their heterosexuality. They often fuss over the wife or girlfriend's appearance, wanting her to be as "hot" as possible so that he can seem more "studly."

Some married closeted homosexual men remain with their wives for decades, coming to see them as beloved companions if not objects of romantic passion. Others eventually rebel against living in a closet, taking their anger out on their wives.

So, based on what you say your ex-husband might very well have been dealing with issues of his sexuality. Only he, of course, knows for certain, although he may not be able to admit it to himself.

For red flags, please read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. 

Is Friend's Husband Gay?

I HAVE 2 QUESTIONS -----  FIRST QUESTION: MY FRIEND –A WOMAN IN HER 60’S HAS BEEN MARRIED SINCE HER LATE 30’S --TO A VERY NARCISSISTIC MAN, WHO  I THINK IS GAY.  HE ALWAYS WAS G O N E   A LOT   TRAVELING  WORKING  ---THEN GOT  JOBS AWAY FROM HOME AND NOW  HE  HAS BEEN LIVING IN DC NEAR DUPONT CIRCLE WHICH IS A GAY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR 10 YEARS AT LEAST.   MY FRIEND LIVES IN A NORTHERN CITY HE ONLY RETURNS HOME ABOUT 1-2 TIMES A MONTH ----- AT THE DAUGHTERS WEDDING HE LET IT BE KNOWN THEY ARE SEPARATED  SHE WAS SHOCKED  ALTHO I HAVE TOLD HER MY IDEAS ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY AND LIFESTYLE----  GOING TO KENNEDY CENTER  AND EATING OUT 3 TIMES A DAY AND BUYING AND DOING WHATEVER HE WANTS ----- WITHDRAWING LARGE AMTS OF CASH  SO SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING IN DC    THEY DO HAVE 2 ADULT DAUGHTERS  LIVING IN OTHER STATES .  THE HUBBY IS GETTING TANS  TAKING MEDS FOR KEEPING HIS HAIR  ACTS RICH AND SMART AND SUCCESSFUL THO NOT REALLY THE CASE  HE WILL NEVER ADMIT WRONG AND IS SO FAKE ETC     HE IS NOW 66 WHAT DO YOU THINK???     SIGH   -      NOW SECOND QUESTION   SHOULD A PARENT WAIT TIL AN ADULT CHILD  COMES OUT????  OR SAY SOMETHING???

Well, merely living in Dupont Circle doesn't make someone gay, but judging from the rest of what you have to say there is a distinct possibility that he is leading a double life -- or at least has a girlfriend on the side. Although it could just as well be a boyfriend or boyfriends. Chances are he's "come out" to himself and a circle of friends but just can't bring himself to admit it to his wife. Perhaps she should confront him on it in a non-judgmental way?

As for your second question: If a parent feels an adult child is gay and also feels that they're not disclosing it is a barrier to their emotional closeness, they could bring it up -- again, in a non-judgmental way --  if only to let the adult child know that they are okay with it and just want to be a part of this aspect of their lives. Especially if the parent feels that the adult child is afraid the parent will disapprove or be unable to deal with it. If anything, it should bring the parent and adult child closer. 

Hope that helps. 

Gay Husband?

Hi there. I suspect my husband is gay. I honestly can't say that I think he has ever cheated on me, I don’t even know if he’s ever had sex with a man. However, I have many many reasons to believe that he has lots of internalized homophobia. Thing is, I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so unhappy that I’ve started considering leaving him. For a very long time, I thought it was me, but I came across this article the other day, and it just made me think. Funny thing is, I actually asked him if he is gay, a long time ago. Anyway, I’m rambling. I hope you can tell me something, anything, that can help. Thanks for the wonderful blog, has great information.

Thank you. Now I'll see if I can address your problem

You haven't given me a lot to go on here, but I assume you think your husband might be gay because of homophobic attitudes on his part? Men who are constantly going on about "fags" and the like do generally have issues. It may be that they're repressed homosexuals themselves, or it may be they have a serious inferiority complex. [Inferiority complexes are one of the main causes of prejudice; an insecure person needs to feel "superior" to as many people as possible, including entire groups of people.]

You approached the gay issue many years ago but it's obvious that you need to do it again. Don't accuse him of being gay. Even if he is homosexual he probably does not identify that way and may be in serious denial. Tell him that it doesn't make him a bad person, that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but that both of you are unhappy and things need to be resolved. If he admits he has an attraction for men, suggest he get counseling at a gay center or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist to help him deal with it. If he's adamant that he's not homosexual -- there may be other issues as I suggested -- he may still need therapy to help him deal with those issues. At this point it's too early to go into what might or should happen if he comes out, as his true sexual orientation is yet to be absolutely determined.

One thing you should do is contact the Straight Spouse Network. This is an organization for people who are married or were married to gay or bisexual spouses. As they say on their website:

The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-outproblems. SSN also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and
family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community
organizations, and the public. SSN is the only support network of its kind in
the world.

They may be able to provide information and support. In the meantime if you'd like to email me with more information -- more details on why you think your husband is gay -- I'll be happy to discuss this with you further.

Hit On By Horny Hubby

I am a single gay man in my forties. A married couple I'll call "Dick and Jane" live on the same floor in my building. I am openly gay, so they both know all about me, and seem gay friendly. I got a certain "feeling" about Dick, who works at home (as I do) and seems to have one excuse after another to drop by my apartment virtually every afternoon, although lately I have taken to not answering the door. I am not interested in having sex with him or in getting into any kind of scene with this married closet queen, but I am convinced by his behavior, the way he looks at me, and many other things that he is attracted to me and is hoping to get it on. I am not at all into Woody Allen types (that's whom he resembles, only much younger), among other problems. It has reached the point where I'm almost ready to bar the door and tell his wife to put him on a leash! Buddy.

Does the wife look like Mia? How many kids have they adopted? Seriously, while it can be flattering to have someone kind of infatuated/hot for you, I don't think I would particularly care to have a married man who looks like Woody Allen ringing my door bell every afternoon either. [No offense to anyone who might look like Woody Allen. He's done all right for himself.]

I also say: Get right to the point. If you're absolutely convinced that this guy is sniffing around you in heat -- that he's not just a little lonely while (I assume) his wife is at the office -- then either never answer your door again or invite him in for some coffee and consolation. Tell him:

A.) You don't date married men.

B.) You don't date married men who look like Woody Allen. (Okay. Forget "B.")

C.) You don't date closet cases.

D.) You don't want to help him commit adultery.

E.) You'll have sex with him if he lets you have sex with his wife.

Okay -- I was so amused by your question that I'm getting a little silly. Here is my serious advice.

Definitely tell him that you think you know why he's coming around so often and (don't hurt his feelings) that you're extremely uncomfortable with the notion of fooling around with someone who's not only married but who lives down the hall with his wife. Jeez!

Ask him if he feels that he is or might be gay -- he might be a gay brother reaching out for understanding and striving for self-acceptance, and that may be why he's hanging around you -- an openly gay man -- so much. Tell him it's okay to be gay and recommend counseling at any gay center in your area. (And have him write Gay Dr. Bill. I'll set him "straight.")

If he's just a classic married homosexual or possibly bisexual who wants to cheat on his wife -- if he has zero gay identity and no interest in coming out -- tell him you'd rather he stay down on his end of the hall -- or you'll tell his wife to keep him on a fucking leash.

That oughta do it.

Woman's Hubby Has a Yen for Men

I am a straight woman who married a bisexual man who lived most of his life as a gay man, and had a male lover for many years. He does not try to hide this and is in favor of gay rights; we both are. We are both of middle-age, and will soon be senior citizens. I believe that we have a very good, loving relationship, but my husband admitted to me some time ago that he has always been in love with a particular man (not his ex-lover, who dumped him for another man) but accepted long ago that it was not to be. He says he loves me but it is obvious that he still has strong feelings for this man, whom he talks about all the time. I wondered if it might do me some good to appeal to this man -- my husband has not seen him in some years -- to tell my husband that there really is no chance of their getting together. I know it would be presumptuous of me, to say the least. But I feel my husband's feelings for him are getting in the way of our relationship, and I do want this to work. If he knew there really was no possibility, maybe he could concentrate more on our marriage and happiness. Anon.

Okay, where do I begin?

This is not what you want to hear, but your marriage would probably have a greater chance of success if your husband was a heterosexual. Sorry, but that's just the plain truth right there. However, there are other factors that you have to consider.

First of all, I think your husband is well aware that things aren't going to happen between him and this other guy he's supposedly in love with, and I think contacting the man would not only be presumptuous but pointless. Whether your husband is actually in love with this guy or not, I'm sure you can see that it presents a problem. Even if your husband is genuinely bisexual (and not just a lonely homosexual man with issues, such as being "dumped" by his long-time male lover) --and it sounds as if that's a big if in this case -- he may have far more interest, shall we say, in men than in women. In other words, his telling you about his love for this guy (you have to wonder why he did so) may be his way of reminding you that he is, after all, a guy who has a thing for other guys, and you can only expect so much of him. On some level, perhaps sub-consciously, your husband probably realizes that he really wants and needs to be with another man, just as you, in all honesty, probably would have preferred a man who's totally or mostly into women.

Loneliness can make strange bedfellows, and I suspect that you and your husband got together (straight woman, man who was "gay most of his life") for that reason. I understand that some people merely settle when it comes to relationships because they want some sort of companionship -- someone who cares about them and whom they care about to share their life with. I do think, however, that it might be better for people to realize -- in situations like this one, among others -- that sometimes loving friends -- as you and your husband may well be -- should remain friends and not become spouses. Where would we all be without our friends, especially when romantic relationships don't work out for one reason or another?

There are really, to my way of thinking, only two things that a woman in your situation can do. You either accept the fact that for one reason or another you entered into a marriage with someone who may never feel the way about you that you feel about him, and just become reconciled to the fact that you've settled. Or, if your husband's obsession with this guy (or, more to the point, his need to be with a man or men) is too much for you to take, then decide to go for simple friendship instead of marriage.

If that won't work, then just move on. You can find love -- real love -- at any age.

The thing is, no matter how he feels about you, your husband may never stop hoping to find that special Mr. Right. And if he by chance finds him, where do you fit in?

In other words, gay men should be with men. Sorry, but there it is. It's not that I have no sympathy for your situation, but if you knew all about this guy's past you did, after all, walk in with your eyes open.