Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay

I am a straight woman and I think my boyfriend is gay. Here are the reasons [assorted]. I am afraid to come right out and ask him. Can you help me? Numerous women.

I frequently hear from women who think that their boyfriends or even husbands might be gay. I've decided to post a few pointers for women in this situation.

1.) Just because your boyfriend likes the arts, musical theater, etc., doesn't make him gay. Just as there are countless gay men who couldn't care less about Broadway musicals, opera, or Judy Garland, there are many heterosexual men who are either artists themselves or are fans of the performing arts, even -- yes -- musicals.

2.) Your boyfriend isn't necessarily gay just because he's a little "soft" or even "girlish" or non-macho in some way. Just as the vast majority of gay men are actually masculine, there are cases of heterosexual men who are somewhat effeminate. Also being bad in bed is not a prerequisite for being gay. Some honest-to-goodness straight guys are lousy or inexperienced lovers, and there are gay men who are able to satisfy a woman [by using fantasy if nothing else].

3.) When straight people talk of having "gaydar" they usually mean that they pick up on stereotypical behavior -- which is hardly a feat. Many gay people have a more advanced type "gaydar" that is not always tangible or easy to explain. Just because the man in your life rings a few "stereotype" bells doesn't make him gay.

4.) If he supports gay rights, gay marriage, doesn't seem to have homophobic attitudes, this just may make him an open-minded secure straight guy. Consider yourself lucky.

5.) Here are some red flags:

a.) He visits gay porn or dating sites on a regular basis and has a profile on a gay dating/sex site.

b.) He sends or receives sex-oriented email from other men.

c.) He is virulently homophobic, almost obsessively so, always going on about "fags" and the like as if he's trying to cover up something. [He may be a repressed homosexual.]

d.) When you're out to dinner he spends more time looking at the handsome waiter than he does at you. Ogles good-looking guys at parties.

e.) He admits to having had homosexual relations -- or relationships -- in the past, but says he is "all over that" or that it is "no big deal." Homosexuality is not some "condition" that just goes away. This fellow may be suffering from self-hatred, trying to use you to become an "ex-gay" [which never works], or is flat out using you for a beard.

There was a time when I would have said, "if you think your boyfriend is gay he probably is" but sometimes women can jump the gun. [Bisexual advocates insist some men are genuinely bisexual, but if in their heart of hearts -- and gonads -- their preference is men, then to all intents and purposes they're gay.] One thing I can say with certainty is that if a man has had sex with men in the past, he ain't straight. Aside from being in prison and under highly unusual circumstances, straight men do not have sex with men, no matter what you've heard.

If you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.

And for women who are sure that their husbands are gay, you can find support at the Straight Spouse Network.

Letting Go and Moving On

I am a gay man and I have a platonic friend, another gay man in his early forties, who has come out of the closet and left his wife. Well, let's say the two are divorced, but he never really left. They do everything but live together. My friend badly wants to be in a committed relationship with a man, but I've told him that any guy he gets serious about is going to be a bit put-off by all the time he spends with his wife, [Everytime I go over to his place she's there!] which has already happened more than once. He says he's fully accepted that he's gay, totally gay, and he and his wife have become good friends, which is fine as far as it goes. What can I say to him to make him understand that it's okay to be friends with the ex-wife but that he needs to keep boundaries if he's ever going to move on. By the way, they have no children. Anon.

I can see what the problem is here and it's a common one in these situations. Often when mixed marriages end because one partner comes out, it's the straight spouse who has trouble moving on -- but sometimes it's both of them.

Your friend was in the closet for quite a few years, I imagine, and now in middle age he's part of a whole new community. It's understandable that he would still need his wife's friendship [and often what couples in these mixed marriages have going for them is friendship and little else] because he's still testing the waters. The wife was probably his best friend for many years, and still is. The trouble is that while he's looking for a new relationship, she may still be in love with the guy and is reluctant to move on. The fact that she's at his place all the time indicates that she still needs to be in his life, but there's a difference between being part of someone's life and clinging to someone who wants and needs to move on. It's good that they're friends, but you're right that boundaries need to be set. As they have no children together, there is no reason for her to be hanging out with him excessively.

I assume from what you say that a couple of budding relationships ended because the wife was around a little too much and made the guys he was dating uncomfortable. That's understandable. Any man who wants to enter into a relationship with your friend needs to know that a.) the wife is over him and is not going to be a problem and b.) he's over his wife and is ready to move on with someone new, specifically a man.

His ex-wife needs to start dating. Know any single straight guys? You might have your friend suggest that his wife contact the Straight Spouse Network, whose whole purpose is to give support to heterosexuals who are or were married to gays.

Also understand that your friend probably feels a great deal of guilt. Coming out for him was a reason to celebrate; but it was probably devastating for his wife. He married this woman under false pretenses, and he doesn't want to blow her off because he already feels bad enough for what he's "done" to her. At the same time, they have both got to understand and accept that the "romantic" part of their relationship is over.

Both of them can find happiness with new people while remaining good friends, a happy result that often comes about when mixed marriages come to an end. Hopefully your friend will realize that sooner than later.

Gay Husband?

Hi there. I suspect my husband is gay. I honestly can't say that I think he has ever cheated on me, I don’t even know if he’s ever had sex with a man. However, I have many many reasons to believe that he has lots of internalized homophobia. Thing is, I don’t know what to do about it. I’m so unhappy that I’ve started considering leaving him. For a very long time, I thought it was me, but I came across this article the other day, and it just made me think. Funny thing is, I actually asked him if he is gay, a long time ago. Anyway, I’m rambling. I hope you can tell me something, anything, that can help. Thanks for the wonderful blog, has great information.

Thank you. Now I'll see if I can address your problem

You haven't given me a lot to go on here, but I assume you think your husband might be gay because of homophobic attitudes on his part? Men who are constantly going on about "fags" and the like do generally have issues. It may be that they're repressed homosexuals themselves, or it may be they have a serious inferiority complex. [Inferiority complexes are one of the main causes of prejudice; an insecure person needs to feel "superior" to as many people as possible, including entire groups of people.]

You approached the gay issue many years ago but it's obvious that you need to do it again. Don't accuse him of being gay. Even if he is homosexual he probably does not identify that way and may be in serious denial. Tell him that it doesn't make him a bad person, that there's nothing wrong with being gay, but that both of you are unhappy and things need to be resolved. If he admits he has an attraction for men, suggest he get counseling at a gay center or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist to help him deal with it. If he's adamant that he's not homosexual -- there may be other issues as I suggested -- he may still need therapy to help him deal with those issues. At this point it's too early to go into what might or should happen if he comes out, as his true sexual orientation is yet to be absolutely determined.

One thing you should do is contact the Straight Spouse Network. This is an organization for people who are married or were married to gay or bisexual spouses. As they say on their website:

The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is an international organization that provides personal, confidential support and information to heterosexual spouses/partners, current or former, of gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender mates and mixed-orientation couples for constructively resolving coming-outproblems. SSN also offers research-based information about spouse, couple, and
family issues and resources to other family members, professionals, community
organizations, and the public. SSN is the only support network of its kind in
the world.

They may be able to provide information and support. In the meantime if you'd like to email me with more information -- more details on why you think your husband is gay -- I'll be happy to discuss this with you further.