Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Self-Hating Friend?

I am a heterosexual female and I have a gay best friend...whom I've recently developed a small crush on. It's actually really annoying, but it's not like I can really control who I'm attracted to. I feel we both connect on a much deeper level and I'm pretty darn sure he feels the same way, too. We tend to have the most fun when it's only us alone hanging out. Which is when he tends to say 'off' things, things I don't expect to be part of his nature. For instance, he expressed to me that he would totally bed a certain, very beautiful, voluptuous actress (says it about other girls as well). Then, again, if someone had the chance to sleep with someone extremely beautiful and famous, wouldn't you take advantage of that opportunity? Another time, we were under the influence of a substance and he sort of insinuated something sexual. He said that if in that moment, a hand happened to touch his nether region, he wouldn't brush it away. Stuff that makes me think, seems to always happen. He said something about how he can't have sex with men cause it hurts... Is it possible he's conflicted about his sexuality and wants to venture out?

Many times he has expressed his dislike for the gay community and the individuals that sustain it. Although, it's not like he represses his homosexuality. He is very much 'out' and makes everyone aware of that fact. As I gazed further into your blog, I came across the bits of 'internalized homophobia.' This sounds like a more likely scenario than if he were to actually be sexually attracted to me, right? Maybe it's just me, being a girl, wanting something she can't have. Or my overactive imagination putting in work... but I don't think those comments/actions are exactly 'normal' for a gay man is it? Either way I want to move on and I don't want to ask him straight out. I would much rather avoid any awkward confrontations, which would probably spoil the friendship. What's your take on this matter?

My take is that your friend is essentially what we call a "self-hating homo." Any openly gay man who expresses disdain for the gay community is clearly dealing with issues about his sexual orientation. Sadly, there are many gay men who are openly gay but for one reason or another are not happy being gay, largely because they've swallowed society's negative opinions about gay men. or they may have religious hang-ups or feel that being gay makes them "unmanly" -- or just have a basic insecurity about themselves. Then there are people in every minority group who have simply had unhappy or unsuccessful lives for one reason or another and make their race or religion or sexual orientation the reason, unwilling to face their own flaws.

Without saying that your friend may be "bisexual," being gay does not mean that a man finds women repulsive or can't have sex with a woman. [Many married homosexual men sleep while their wives while dreaming of being in bed with guys.] And sure, some gay men might get a kick out of sleeping with a famous female celebrity -- although they'll still be gay in the morning. But be careful of things expressed while under the influence, as they should never be taken seriously.

As for his comment that it "hurts" to have sex with men, I can only assume he's a bottom and a rather inexperienced one at that. Either he can try being a top [or eschew analism altogether] or he can get more experience.

Frankly, this guy may be your bmf, but I think it would be a mistake on your part to expect more. Even if the two of you indulge in some sexual fooling around, it may not lead to anything realistically romantic or permanent. Guys like this often try to "go straight" or become "ex-gays," but while they may get married and even have kids, they remain homosexual. And why would any woman want a homosexual husband?

Some time you might ask him how he feels about being gay and ever so delicately suggest he get counseling or therapy. He can't change his orientation, but he can certainly learn to accept and enjoy it.


Why do gay men say "fabulous" all the time?

Uh, believe me, the vast majority of us don't. Besides, "fabulous" is a kind of theatrical word that is used by people of all stripes and orientations. Flamboyant men and women -- both straight and gay -- may use the term much, much more than the rest of the population, but the average gay guy may not even use it at all. Trust me on this, you fabulous thing, you!

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Not Gay -- But Wants Sex With Men?

Hi, I'm so happy I came across your web page.

I'm 39 years old. I met a man 3.5 years ago. We started dating, moved in, got engaged, and was supposed to be married this July 2010. Three months before our wedding date, he picked up a prostitute and had sex with her. Got caught by the police and had to tell me. This action made no sense to me. Over the course of a couple of days after that I asked to see his email accounts. Because a "normal" man just does not one day decide to do what he did. It had to be a progression of something. Now mind you, over these days, he says he doesn't know why he did it, and still loves me. He's sorry etc. When I looked into his email accounts a part of me died that day.

He was placing ads on Craig's List to have sex with men. He says, I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me. I said to him, then you are gay. No I'm not gay he says. And he continues to deny it till this day. I never had a clue. I had no signs. There were rough patches in our relationship of not having sex for long periods of time. And he was taking pills to perform. That was the only thing that was a red flag for me. We are no longer together. I do talk with him on a weekly basis. What my question is, if he so strongly denies that he is gay, could it be possible? I guess part of me doesn't want him to be gay because I was so in love with him. But I also want him to be happy and live a great and successful life. I have told him that it's ok that he is gay. I would be there to support him. But he denies it all the way. My other thought is, I don't know any straight men that would want to have sex with another man.

Any advice or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.....

Well, I have to tell you first off that I don't know any legitimately straight men who want to have sex with other men, either. I know of one gay therapist who insists that there are tens of thousands of straight men out there seeking other men to have sex with, but in my opinion the guy is an idiot. He seems to think that because these men don't want to be in relationships with other men but only want sex with them that that somehow makes them heterosexual. Granted most of these guys have wives or girlfriends, but at the very least they are bisexual, not straight. The reason they can't even abide the thought of a romantic relationship with another man is due to their internalized homophobia, their deep-rooted shame over their homoerotic feelings, not alleged "heterosexuality." Yes, there may be certain peculiar circumstances where a hetero man will have sex with another guy -- prison, for instance -- and it's been said that the male victims of childhood sexual abuse sometimes can grow up to be confused about their orientation -- but other than that I have to say that "straight" guys who have sex with men -- especially repeated sex -- are deeply conflicted homosexuals.

The man you're referring to definitely sounds like he's in this category -- and in deep denial. He can't even label himself bisexual [whether he's gay or genuinely bi is another story] which some of these men do. There are quite a few essentially homosexual men who think of themselves as straight simply because:

1.) They are in some kind of heterosexual relationship with a woman, either a wife, girlfriend or fiancee. Therefore that makes them "straight" despite the fact that every fibre of their being is crying out to be with a man.

2.) They wrongly see themselves as being the "man" during the male-male sex act; in other words they are the "top" while their sex partner is penetrated. Or they get "serviced" by the other man without ever giving "head" themselves. But I know a great many self-identified gay guys who are exactly the same way. It's just a matter of preference. [And when two gay men get together neither is "the woman" -- both are men.]

3.) They are paid for the sexual acts they perform with other men. [The number of male prostitutes whose clients are exclusively male and yet who insist they are themselves completely heterosexual is legion!]

As for his comment "I'm not having sex with men, they are having sex with me"...? he is being so disingenuous you could choke on it. What is he implying? -- That he just lies there while they work him over? But what kind of straight guy wants to lie there and have another guy work him over?

As for his encounter with the female prostitute, there are two possibilities. The first is that the woman was actually a "transvestite hooker" with a penis. Lots of conflicted homosexual men [I won't call them gay because they are not exactly Out and Proud] prefer sex with "TVs" because they are having sex with a man but -- due to the way the other person presents themselves -- they can pretend they're really with a woman. The second possibility is that he approached this prostitute for the purposes of "proving his manhood" after a particular homosexual encounter left him confused and, sadly, disheartened.

I think you've done all the right things. And I do appreciate how very difficult and painful this has been for you. Unfortunately it's very, very hard -- and believe, me, I've been there -- to help guys like this if they can't even admit to themselves that they're gay [or even bi]. You can tell them "it's okay to be gay" a hundred times but until they really believe it themselves they'll go on doing anything and everything they can to convince themselves they're really straight -- all the while having sex with men. Therapy with a caring gay or gay-friendly therapist might work wonders, but again, these kind of guys rarely seek therapy except from quacks who are out to "cure" them or guys like the aforementioned gay therapist who wants to convince them [while being very well paid for it] that yes, they really are straight.

Hopefully some day something will click inside him and he'll realize that his problem isn't his desire for men, but his guilt and shame over it, and instead of these furtive, short-lived encounters [not that there's anything wrong in casual sex, mind you] he might entertain the notion of a long-term and caring relationship with another man.

Speaking of which, there's another [hopefully hetero] man out there for you as well! Best of luck!

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Gay -- or Just in a Bromance?

Hi, I really thank you for your time to read this, and I'm in desperate need to ask for your opinion. I guess my question has been similar to many questions I have read in your blog (a great one by the way, thank you!). But, there is something different about my case.

I am in a different culture than, I think, most readers of your blog. I am in a culture where guys seem to have a higher level of bromance
[a very close, affectionate, non-sexual relationship between two heterosexual men, sometimes called a "man-crush" -- Dr. B], which is my main problem. You see, when it comes to love life, I'm a miserable screwup. Gay guys in my culture are not really my type, because most of them belong to effeminate category (I don't have any problem with that, they're just not my type), and I'm usually attracted to guys who are masculine and manly. These kind of guys are usually available in other countries. I am a person who is close to foreigners in my place (I was studying at an international university), and too bad that they also have a culture where bromance is very high.

And recently, I befriended a Turkish guy, who just came to my place. He is just so attractive that I really wanted to avoid meeting him because I knew that he'd not be able to reciprocate my feelings (I saw his pictures in facebook). However, last week, a friend insisted that I come to his house (where this guy was) where I met him and I instantly became infatuated with him. It was our first meeting and I found him to be a wonderful guy, plus with those looks! And now I can't forget about him, and he is in my mind 24/7. What makes it worse is that in our culture, gays are abhorred and coming out is not exactly something wise to do. And now I'm depressed because he is engaged but he keeps becoming so romantic to me. But I am told that guys in Turkish culture can be secretly gay or something. Do you know anything about this?

For your information -- this happened several times -- I seem to attract straight guys to become cuddly with me (and they don't seem to do that with other guys), much more cuddly than is usual in my culture. Do you think it's something to do with my personality? Am I being flirty? Because I don't remember being flirty. Or am I just unconsciously inviting them to be cuddly with me? I don't know. I really hope you can share your insights in this.

Thank you so much.
[From Malaysia]

To start with your last point first, even here in the United States straight guys occasionally give one another a hug, sometimes when they've been drinking or are feeling emotional or excited about something (and men in this culture are not generally very "touchy-feely," as we call it). It may well be that they simply like you and your friendly personality. Straight men can be affectionate with other men; for them it just doesn't go any further.

As for guys in Turkey being secretly gay -- guys can be secretly gay in every country on the planet. Apparently the attitudes towards homosexuality in Turkey are much more progressive than in other Islamic nations, which may mean that Turkish men are actually more open about their sexuality.

It sounds to me like you're in a situation that is very universal among gay men of all nations. You have feelings -- both sexual and romantic -- for another man and you just can't tell if he feels the same [his affectionate feelings for you may not be sexual] or even if he's gay or straight. Even the fact that he's engaged to be married doesn't exclude the possibility that he's attracted to guys.

However, the fact that he's engaged does make him a little less available, and there is also the strong possibility that he is straight. I recognize the danger in coming on to him. The only thing I can suggest is that in a casual way you ask him what he thinks of homosexuals, gay marriage etc. At least it will give you some clue as to how he feels on the subject. Even if it turns out he is very homophobic it doesn't exclude him being gay, but it does suggest that it would be best for you to look elsewhere for a romantic or sexual entanglement. Good luck!

There's more about gay life in Turkey and Malaysia in the post below.

Gay Life in Islamic Nations

The post above got me to do a little research on what gay life is like in Islamic nations. I came across some interesting websites. For instance, here's info on Malaysia:

"Advisory: Gay life in Malaysia, as in other Asian countries, is blossoming despite conservative religion-based discrimination and outdated colonial-era laws. Former Deputy Prime Minister, Anwar Ibrahim, was famously removed from office by a trumped-up sodomy conviction that was reversed by Malaysia's high court in 2004. Muslims, both local and visitors, are also subject to religious law which may (though rarely does) punish gay or lesbian sexual activity with flogging and male transvestism with imprisonment. Even though religious law does not apply to non-Muslims, Islam is the state religion under Malaysia's constitution and thus homosexual citizens face official discrimination. Police may arrest any person (Muslim or not) for sex in a public place (i.e. cruise spots), so visitors are well-advised to respect Malaysian law and customs while they are guests in the country. Having said that, police generally have not detained foreigners during raids on local gay businesses, focusing instead on ethnic Malay customers, almost 100% of whom are considered Muslim at birth by law." For more information click here.

And as for Turkey: "As a Muslim country, Turkey reveals a very different attitude than most other Islamic countries toward lesbigay life. Progressive and highly western, Turkey allows gays to have a measure of freedom of expression and as well access to fulfilling careers and romantic intimacy." You can find much more information here.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Boyfriend Marries Woman Part 2

The following is in response to my past last month on Boyfriend Marries Woman.

Thanks Dr. Bill for your answer -

A few more clarifications from my end - - well my partner did mention raising kids at some point in the past but I did not show much enthusiasm and we let the matter drop- had I known it meant so much to him I would have gladly gone in for surrogacy of a child as I wanted to be with him at any cost.

Unfortunately the arranged marriage bit is very real. I chose not to believe it hoping that he was just testing me but a few days before he left he came home with gifts from his office mates and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes we just don't want to believe the ominous signs...

My intense regret is that we both did so much to make a life together and to just throw it away after a silly argument is rash and immature. I cut-off ties with friends and family to just be solely with him and now most of my friends are either smug or don't want to have anything to do with me.

Yes you are right I don't intend in having a 3rd person in our relationship and I hope I am strong enough to tell him that when he comes back. Doc I am trying very hard not to be bitter or hate. Yes I know I must play the field again and I will but for now I am hoping he comes back and gives me hope for both of us to be together still. After all as you say gay men should remain with other gay men.

Here's a question for you: since he is a top gay man does that make him more prone to bi-sexuality than say a bottom ?

Thanks and regards.

Well this guy doesn't sound like a genuine bisexual to me, just someone who is giving in to parental pressure and marrying the woman that his parents have apparently picked out for him. It's a shame he doesn't have the strength to resist this. But to answer your question, there's no evidence to suggest that bisexual men are more likely to be tops or vice versa, just as there is no correlation between how butch of femme a guy may be and whether or not he's a top or bottom. Some homosexual men with "issues" refuse to be bottoms [even if that's what they really want] because they think it "unmanly" -- which is often why they wind up with women. There are also guys who have "straight" sex with women -- generally their wives [or beards] -- and then put up the legs for the men in their lives.

If your friends are not being supportive, then to hell with them. You'll make new friends -- and find a great new guy who will treat you with the respect you deserve.