Boyfriend and Gay Porn

Hello Dr. Bill.

I have a little problem and I need your help.

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years. We are in our late twenties. We are a great couple, respect each other, and have great sex life. He treats me well, is very honest with me, and his friends and family love me. We are planning to live together next month.

The problem is that I found gay porn on his lap top - and a lot of it. There's also straight porn in there, shemales, foot fetish porn, but the problem is that the gay porn is a lot, more than 50%! And it's not just website history, he has it downloaded and saved - both photos and videos. I've noticed that the porn downloaded from 2 years ago is mostly straight, but this year's porn is mostly gay. 

I have many close gay friends, and they never mentioned to me that my new boyfriend is weird. I support gays, but I believe it's bad for me and him to be together if he is a closeted gay, we might suffer more in the future when he admits, because we have a very serious relationship and might end up married!

I am sure that he loves me, and our love is not a lie, but I don't know if he has gay feelings which he is repressing, or he just likes weird porn. 

He is very religious, and for a period stopped having flings and adventures and was looking for the right girlfriend -- I am that right girlfriend.

He also says he doesn't have a problem with gay people, so he is neither homophobic, nor really supportive (he says it seems unnatural to him, but it's their private matter, so who is he to judge?) So, he's somewhere in the middle. I don't know what to make of it. [Thinking homosexuality is "unnatural" is homophobic!]

He says he never had a gay experience, but as all people, during high school wondered about his sexual orientation: straight, gay, bi? He never experimented to confirm, just realized he is straight.

I talked to him about porn, told him that I know he watches, and I don't like that he hides that from me. but I didn't tell him I had actually seen his porn folder. I told him it's very important to me to tell me what he watches, so that I know what he likes. At this point, he wasn't very defensive, he was open with me, told me he loves our sex life, but that he watches some weird porn and that doesn't mean he likes to try it. He mentioned the gay porn when giving me a short list of what had he watched, but didn't single it out. He said his father exposed him to pornography beginning at age six and he has always watched a lot of it.

One red flag though, is that when we were about 1 year together, I joked that he likes men, and because I had made that joke before, he snapped at me, but then was really sorry. It is weird because he is a very nice guy, and never before, nor after, has he offended me or raised his voice to me.

My only concern is that he might be a closeted gay/bi because of the porn, and I think that should be resolved for both our sakes. I have helped one gay friend of mine to get out of the closet, I know how it feels, but now since this is my boyfriend, it's totally different. And I am asking you and not my gay friends, because I believe if I tell anyone I will jeopardize my boyfriend's privacy and maybe hurt his feelings if he finds out I've been doubting or asking.

Please help me.

There's no easy answer to this one because there are cases of people who like to look at pornography in all of its varieties without necessarily wanting to engage in similar behavior, but when half of what he looks at is gay-oriented ...? Also, people who are very religious often repress their homosexual nature because they are dealing with issues of shame and guilt and denial. They try to satisfy their homoerotic urges by watching gay porn, figuring they're not really gay if they aren't actually having gay sex. His snapping at you when you joked about his liking men, especially if you didn't mean it in a nasty way, could mean that he's very touchy about the subject, another indication that he could be closeted. His feeling that homosexuality is "unnatural," as well. You can understand that if he feels that way and is privately gay/bi he is bound to have feelings of what we call "internalized homophobia" or self-hatred. And honestly, I don't believe that everyone wonders about their sexual orientation in high school. Mostly people who are gay or bisexual and a little confused.

His having looked at porn when he was a child is another issue. Showing a child pornography might even be considered a form of child abuse. Something more serious may have happened in his childhood that has made him confused over his sexuality.

The problem is that the only way to really learn the truth is to have a frank talk with your boyfriend -- without being negative or accusatory. As you say this needs to be resolved. There are far too many women who marry guys who finally come out of the closet years later, and it's devastating for them. If he has an attraction to men, he needs to deal with it and accept it, even if he needs professional help or at the very least counseling to do so. There is also the question, if he's bisexual, of whether his main attraction is to men or women. [In any case, if he has never fully explored his homosexuality, he will undoubtedly want to do so some day.]

Also, if he was abused or molested as a child, he should also seek counseling or therapy to help him deal with those issues. 

I'm sure you understand that there's just no way to be certain at this point, as frustrating as that may be for you. If he is able to resolve these issues, on his own or with help, it will at least help you to make a decision about a future with this man.

Boyfriend and Transgender Incident

Hey,

So I've recently been dating a guy for a couple of months. We were drinking and then he had a freak episode (hyperventilating, trying to hit himself) and then the next morning I made it clear that I needed to understand why he acted like that. He finally confided in me (he actually started hyperventilating when he was trying to tell me and he ended up having to txt me what happened) about paying for sex when he was drunk with a transgender (pre-op) when he was 19, he's 22 now. He ended up spending a year depressed and went to counseling and felt suicidal and ended up going to brothels when he was drunk as a way of confirming that he didn't like guys. He said that he got his confidence back and stopped going to brothels and ended up doing the whole teenage thing of getting drunk and going clubbing and when he got lucky slept with random girls. He's never acted in a way that showed he was attracted to guys at all. He's always checking girls out, we have a healthy sex life, he's very touchy-feely with me. he's always complimenting me etc. After he confided in me I asked him if he was possibly in the closet and he got mad that I would ever even ask him that, but I was confused as to why he had sex with a transgender so I thought it was fair to ask. He looks and feels ashamed of it, What would be your opinion ? Was it a drunken mistake or was there a reason behind it?

Thanks

I assume that when your boyfriend paid for sex with the Trans Woman he knew what he was dealing with despite his being drunk? [To make it clear a Trans Woman is a woman but a pre-operative Trans Woman still has a penis and appears masculine in other ways despite the feminine/drag trappings.]

There are conflicted homosexual men who have their first experiences either with drag queens [gay men who are also transvestites] or with pre-op Trans women. This is their way of having sex with men while "pretending" to be with a woman, or telling themselves that the Trans woman is essentially female despite the biology. If your boyfriend has negative attitudes towards homosexuality for any reason, comes from a repressive, intolerant background, he may do anything not to feel that he is gay.

Naturally I can't possibly be certain of this guy's sexuality, except to say that most gay men are not obvious, that many are perfectly capable of having sex with women [for whatever reason], and that often there are no red flags. I would be less than honest if I didn't tell you that men who are genuinely and thoroughly heterosexual don't need to sleep with women or go to brothels to prove to themselves that they are straight; they just know they are. If this incident was just a drunken mistake, I don't think your boyfriend would find it such a big deal.

You might find this post helpful.

A "Gay" Kiss at 13?

Hi Bill. Okay, so I've been in a serious relationship for a year. When I first met him, I never suspected he'd be gay or of that type. He was a huge flirt towards women. We were both bartenders and saw all the attention he would receive. I wasn't interested at first because I knew the type of guy he was. But I still went for it. We started getting very serious, even moved in together. One day, we were having a conversation about the craziest things we've done and he mentioned to me that when he was 13 he kissed another boy. He said it was because they each had a girl crush, and the two girls dared them to kiss each other in order to able to sleep with them, so they did it, and later scored with the girl. He then told me that later on he found out that it was all a trick because the guy who he kissed WAS gay and liked him. He was upset about it and broke contact with all of them. I felt a little weirded out about it, but took it for what it was. Ever since then, I've been extremely paranoid. I feel very alert about anything he does. I've occasionally seen him glance at other men, like at the beach etc. I've confronted him once and asked "are you gay" and he said "no, I am not gay. I did that with the guy so I could sleep with the girl." Months later, we were having sex when I insisted on talking dirty to each other. Then out of no where he says "let me put it in the ass". I completely stopped and pushed him off of me and began saying "I knew it." A huge fight burst out after that. What caught me off guard was that we had never talked about anal sex. He said his coworker had been talking about them having anal with their girlfriends ans insisted that he should try it with me. We were able to get past that but I still carry this huge paranoia and it isn't fair to neither of us. We do love each other, but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease. What should I do? 

Two points to consider: A.) Giving a guy a quick kiss when he's 13 on a dare does not necessarily make a man gay. Believe me, I can be pretty suspicious, but this doesn't raise any red flags for me. It's the type of silly thing that could easily happen. I think you were, for whatever reason, so freaked out about it that you're interpreting his every action as being, somehow, "gay."

B.) It isn't only gay men who are into anal intercourse. Your boyfriend may be the experimental type who likes to try different sexual positions.That doesn't necessarily add up to homosexuality. Of course you don't have to engage in any sexual activity you don't feel comfortable with, but don't be so uptight that you perceive anything non-missionary as being "perverse." Whether a man is or isn't into things you might consider "kinky" generally has little to do with sexual orientation.

Can I swear to you that your boyfriend isn't attracted to men? No, I can't, but I'd need much more positive evidence before I could tell you that the man in your life is definitely gay.

Bisexual Boyfriend?

Hi Dr. Bill,

My boyfriend of two years is 57, and I am a 49 y/o female. We've recently had a large 'bump' in our relationship. I have seen questionable behavior from him in the past, but most recently in the last few months.

At first glance, one would think he was a very masculine alpha male type. He even calls himself an alpha male. However, there are things about him which I question, especially since our recent 'bump in the road.' Up until last month everything seemed pretty great as far as him being happy with me. On the other hand, I had a few questions that I couldn't bring myself to ask him. He has always told me how wonderful I was using phrases like "pure as the driven snow." This is not true, btw. It seems torturous for him to say the words, "I love you." He'll go months without saying it, and when he does he tacks on phrases like "I love you to pieces." Sex is a very physical thing with him. He always talks nasty, and has never told me he loved me during the act. He does make sure I climax though.
Please excuse my ignorance, but I don't know bi-sexual 'behavior' if there is such a thing. I just know he isn't like any other man I've dated. Any one of these behaviors wouldn't raise an eyebrow, but more of them seem to keep appearing. He cooks chef-like meals, he knows designer labels, he has effeminate gestures, he purses his lips, he's very concerned about his looks, and his ear used to be pierced. All of this is nothing really, but there are a few things that worry me.

He calls a lot of guys 'fags', 'bisexual' or 'homosexual'. He is the most sexual man I have ever experienced, it's like anything goes, he has introduced me to 'snowballing' which I had never even heard of, and when I pleasure him orally he throws his legs up over his head. I think he wants me to stimulate him rectally, which I am not interested in at all. He has tried to do that to me, and I don't like it. He said he wants to do me anal. 

About two months before our little 'bump' the effeminate behavior really intensified. At times, he would act SUPER feminine, and even changed his deep voice to a high pitched voice while acting like a girly girl. Now, I wonder if he was testing me to see my response. Maybe he wanted to tell me something? He has genius level intelligence and makes over $300k/yr. When he's traveling he usually doesn't call me at night the way he always does when he is at home.

Anyway, he seemed more than happy with me (and himself) until a month ago when all of a sudden, like a ton of bricks, he won't call me, answer the phone, or respond in any way for several days. When he finally responded, he gave a truly bogus excuse for doing this (I am suddenly terrible now). He did start emailing a little here and there. But, he's going on back to back business trips, which he hasn't done since January. He wants to get back together, but I don't want to if he's bi. Everything is great when it's great which is most of the time. But I hate when he travels, because it's like he just disappears. I know he goes out partying when he is on trips, because he said he does. We NEVER go out partying together. It's like he has a double life. I'm the comfy/cozy half, then he has his 'other life.' We live an hour apart.

In my 49 years, I had never had anyone want to kiss me after a blowjob. He really loves it, licking all of it up. Then, the 'legs over the head' thing. I had never seen a man do that. Then, all the feminine gestures lately just put me over. Now, everything else that was ever the least bit questionable seems to make sense. It scares me because he really does treat me better than anyone has. I also do wonder if he would have a need to be with men if he was bi. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I have no experience with this.

One other thing. He has tons of female friends who feel comfortable calling him for 'relationship advice.' He has only a few male friends, none of which live close.

How do I confront him about this, or, what is your opinion on his 'behaviors?'
Thank you for your time.

Okay, there's nothing really that positive here to indicate whether or not this man is into guys. [Read the post "Boyfriend with Secrets"  and you'll see the difference.] Your boyfriend acts campy at times, apparently thinks it's cute to imitate stereotypical homosexuals [the girly girl business], is interested in a greater variety of sexual acts than the men you've known before, but none of that means he's gay or bi. I admit most men -- especially straight men -- don't want to kiss someone who has just given them a blow job, but it's not positive proof of anything, although his licking his own semen is admittedly a little suspect. Surely you know that cooking skills, pierced earrings, and the other things you mention are not clues to gayness; there are as many straight guys who are into that stuff as there are gay men who aren't. And there are straight men who are into analism, even if it's not that prevalent.

In general when most men want to "come out" to someone they don't do it by acting all effeminate -- why would they? However, when you consider that he refers to gay men as "fags" and frequently refers to men as being gay or bisexual [in, I assume, a disparaging manner] that could indicate that he has a problem with gay men. It could be that he's hiding something or is a repressed homosexual, but it's also possible that he has some deep-rooted heterosexual insecurities; he's afraid people think he's gay.

By the way, according to the latest theories, truly bisexual men don't have to have sex with men. It's gay guys who have to have sex with men.

I suggest that you tell him of your concerns because you can't go forward with this guy when you have these doubts. Don't accuse him of anything -- just tell him you're curious and need him to be honest. In person is better than in a text or on the phone. You can lead off by telling him you have a gay or bi friend who is conflicted, and see his reaction. If you make your questions part of a general discussion he won't feel cornered.

Good luck!

Boyfriend with Gay Past

Dear Bill
I'm a woman. My 33 year old boyfriend of 6 months recently admitted to me that when he was a preteen, him and 2 of his best friends would masturbate together, rub on each other, and give each other oral. This happened for over a year. He also just admitted that 2 years ago him and one of his friends went to a hotel, got drunk and blew each other. He claims his friend didn't *** in his mouth, i think he did. He also said his friend licked his but, but he didn't have any anal sex. He said he didn't like it and did it only cuz he was curious about trying it as an adult and it made him know for sure he is not gay. But is this true? Especially considering he was in homosexual relations for over a year as a kid?

We have good sex and He loves kissing me and going down on me and all. He does want anal but i said not until we're married. but he's super clingy, emotional, and insecure about our relationship and my faithfulness. But he's also super macho guy and kind of homophobic so this info caught me by surprise.

I'm trying to be supportive and believe him since he told me something he hadn't told anyone else. But should I worry? Him and his 2 childhood friends are still buddies. he said they don't ever talk about it but he thinks his friends do think about it sometimes. but he said his hotel friend stopped contacting him after a while. Seems like he still wanted contact. These are all men in straight relations now. 2 are married. I'm just worried he's still curious but would not admit it but might do something about it behind my back. What should I do and how can I know he's for sure straight? 

Well, to be blunt this guy doesn't sound totally straight. Some kids may "experiment" in a homoerotic fashion, but it's usually maybe one or two incidents, not over and over and over again. And his recently going to a hotel room with a guy for sex -- never mind how drunk he was -- is another red flag. His homophobia is an even bigger red flag.

To be honest, he sounds like a guy who definitely has homosexual leanings but is fighting them because he's ashamed, or because he thinks only stereotypically "swishy" guys can really be gay [not true; most gay men don't fit the stereotypes]. There are many homosexual men who are basically living straight lives with girlfriends, wives and children and who seek sex with men even as they try to deny their true nature to themselves and everyone else. He is at the very least bisexual, but the thing is that bisexual men are often bi in their activities [they have sex or relationships with both men and women] but in their heart of hearts their preference is often men. The trouble is that most of these guys just can't admit it to themselves.

Men like this are often clinging and possessive and insecure with the women in their lives, because they need these women to prove to themselves and others that they are essentially heterosexual. Sadly, this is generally not the case.

I would suggest a long, non-judgmental talk with your boyfriend, as I suspect there's a lot more going on [in his mind, if nowhere else] than he's telling you. He might need counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist.

Gay Man and Straight Friend

Hi Dr Bill,

I think I may have fallen in love with a straight male work colleague who I have been socialising with for the past couple of years.  We go out for beers and sometime ago started to also take cocaine, stupid I know so I stopped taking it, however, he continued.  Anyway, he has a long term girlfriend and doesn't think twice about cheating on her, I am there for him constantly and listen to all of his problems, he thinks he has mental health issues and often talks jokingly of suicide, not a joking matter I know.  We are both mid 30's by the way, so not kids.  I am openly gay and have a mixed social life outside of work.

When I see him my heart melts, when I see him with a woman I feel as if my heart is breaking.  If we are out and he does meet a woman, it's as if I am not there. However, the next day he will e-mail or text and say how low he feels.  If I am not with him he will often text and say how much he misses me, he recently said in a text that he loved me.  If I mention other men and dates he will not acknowledge the conversation, often making just a snide comment.   

I recently had an altercation with another friend we drink with, drink-fueled stupidity which resulted in me finishing my drink and going home, informing them that I wouldn't be socializing with them again.  Later that evening I received the 'Love you' text, followed by a string of abuse aimed at the other friend.  I have to point out that he will often slag off other friends, so I am guessing I would be no exception.

After the 'Love you' text I didn't contact him for a week, I wasn't invited for drinks and now I feel completely isolated and lost.  Although the person I had the altercation with speaks to me like nothing happened (no drink invitations though), the fella I think I have fallen for had not contacted me at all, he knows I hate the silent treatment.  I contacted him with a 'How are you' kind of text, his response included 'Need a break from constant health abuse', I interpreted this as a break from me, possibly my mind working overtime!

I feel completely broken, I thought we were good friends and had a connection, he is now on my mind constantly, hence me wondering if this is some kind of stupid infatuation.

I cannot help but wonder if I have been used as his emotional punch bag.  How do I get over this, why is it bothering me to this extent, I can't eat and am sleeping very badly.  Should it bother me so much that he may or may not have bad mouthed me to others? Should I say anything, I don't want any confrontation at work as it's a professional environment.  I feel totally gutted!

Thanks for listening

Cheers.

It is never easy to have strong feelings for someone while you're still trying to figure out if they're gay or straight or struggling with their own sexuality. People in this situation tend to clutch at anything they can to give them hope. Your friend's dismissal of your comments when you talk about your gay dating experiences could indicate that he has sexual identity issues, but it's just as likely that he's uncomfortable talking about your being gay in certain environments [I take it you're not going to gay bars with him]. It could also indicate that he is a little self-absorbed -- he only wants to talk about himself and his own problems.

Even if he hasn't figured out that you have such deep feelings for him, he probably senses that you care and he knows that you are willing to listen. The trouble is, as you get deeper and deeper in love with him, worrying about him, you are perfectly right in worrying that he is simply "using" you as an emotional crying towel. Once he finds someone else to listen -- someone he doesn't fear has feelings for him which he can't return -- he''ll just move on, which he may already have done. Of course, I am basing this on your suggestion that he seems to "whine" to you about many different things.  

Whatever the true story of his sexuality -- and you realize this man may be genuinely and totally hetero -- it is never easy to be in love with someone who can only offer you friendship, regardless of their orientation. You were heading towards a bad place anyway you slice it -- who wants to be in love or even just infatuated with someone who can't return it? You feel as badly as you do, isolated and lost, because of how much you want to be with this guy on both an emotional and physical level, but it just may not be possible. 

My advice, as difficult as it may be to take, is to think of what seems like a very negative event in your life as a positive. Chance are that you had no real future with this guy, that you were only risking getting very badly hurt, wasting your time pining for him when there are plenty of nice gay guys out there who would be much more suitable partners. I recognize that you are also mourning the loss of a friendship, but as I've said it's very sticky to be friends with someone you have unrequited feelings for.

[As a good friend of mine once put it in a novel: "When one wants friendship, and the other wants love, 'friendship' is the coldest word in the English language."]

Believe it or not you can get over this guy [of course it will be more difficult than usual because you work together]. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new, so get out there and have some adventures! You may find that you can once again be friends with this guy once you've gotten past the unrequited feelings you have for him. 

Think positively -- there's a better guy out there for you, and hopefully you'll have a lot of fun finding him!

Good luck!

Another Gal with a Gay Boyfriend?

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half now, and things seem to be a bit rough recently. My boyfriend, as our relationship progressed, has become very emotional
and gets angry very easily. If things don't go his way, he either turns away like a girl would or whines until things change. I have been putting up with it for a while, and sat down with my mom and told her. She asked me if maybe he was confused, as in sexually. And things
began to click. He always cares about his appearance, he has a strange love for shoes (male shoes however, air jordans) but has purple and gold shoes in his collection. He has feminine gestures, he sings always falsetto (says he's joking) and is very very self-conscious. He says
he can't be like he is around me in front of people. He's always asking me if i love him and if I care about him, which I do. He also will get upset if I don't kiss him right when I see him, and cuddles with me like he is the girl. Our sexual past was never rough, but we
don't have sex anymore on my call. I have a gay cousin who is in his late 20s who said he could tell he was gay from the moment he met him, a lot of my family agreed. I've been pushing myself away because of the arguing but the pain of him possibly being gay is devastating. How may I approach him in a way that won't offend him? I really need to know if this relationship is real anymore. If necessary to know, we are both freshman in college. I've known him my entire life and he was my first boyfriend in 8th grade. I've dated a
couple guys in between our relationship, I am his only girlfriend. His father is in the military and his mother strongly opposes gays from the bible standards, which I could see as a road block for him. I appreciate what you do, and hope to hear from you. I'm really upset
and confused :/ Thank you.

It is certainly possible that -- if your boyfriend is gay -- his upbringing might make him uncomfortable with his sexuality, and it is also true that people come to a realization/acceptance of their gayness at different ages. While many people identify as gay long before they get to college, that is not always the case.

However, your reasons for thinking he's gay sort of add up to a mass of stereotypes. There are certainly heterosexual men who "turn away and whine" and who like to cuddle, and plenty of gay men who don't! Singing falsetto isn't a sign of homosexuality, either, nor is being self-conscious. Some men -- straight or gay -- are emotional or dramatic, and that's no real clue to sexual orientation, either. Neither is taking pride in your appearance. I think you've seen too many episodes of Will and Grace.

Even the feminine gestures you refer to aren't necessarily a sign of homosexuality, as I have met straight guys who are a bit feminine in some ways but are still, apparently, straight, (just as most of the gay men I've met aren't especially feminine). Of course there are "queens" or "femmes" in the gay male community who are quite stereotypical in their behavior, but believe me they are actually in the minority even if they tend to "stand out" a little more.

And so he wants a kiss immediately when he sees you. That makes him gay?

Then there's the fondness for shoes [what no Broadway musicals?]. If you catch him wearing your high heels you might have to worry, but even then it's more likely he's a transvestite than a gay guy. [Gay men generally have no interest in dressing in drag]. Maybe he has a foot fetish.

All kidding aside, the only red flag I really get here is possibly the fact that your gay cousin is certain he's gay. But he could still be mistaken.

If you caught him looking at gay porn on his laptop, that might be something. It would certainly be more of a eyebrow raiser than his purple and gold shoes, albeit that might be a little strange.

Click here for my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, which you might find helpful.

It's possible that the problem isn't that your boyfriend is gay, but that he's a control freak, judging from the way he sulks when he doesn't get his own way. It's also possible that you've got a somewhat romantic and eccentric straight guy on your hands.

Enjoy!

Bi-Curious Boyfriend?

Dr. Bill,

I am a young, 22 year old female college student, who is dating a 21 year old male college student. We have been officially together for about 3 months and I have fallen deeply in love with him. I feel that with every ounce of my heart, that he could be "the one" for me, because he is remarkably caring and loving and loves me for who I am, flaws and all. The reason why this particularly important is because, in my past relationships, I have been psychologically and mentally abused that eventually led to physical abuse, which did not escalate to an invariable extreme as I was relatively quick to walk away from the relationships. When I first got to know my boyfriend, I really could say that I did not know what it was like to be completely cared for. He truly seeks to talk out our problems, be emotionally healthy, and to communicate maturely -- all characteristics that really fell short with my previous relationships. What I am trying to say by all this is that this relationship means a tremendous amount to me and my dreams of being happily married do not seem too far away with this guy -- a guy who I feel I truly connect with.

One example of this is the undeniable chemistry is in our sex life. We have amazing, gratifying, out-of-this-world sex. There is a balance in who receives and gives pleasure -- we both seek and get turned on when pleasuring each other, something I believe is key to a healthy sex life. But you may still be wondering where I am getting with all this, and I'll tell you now: something particularly sensitive got brought up DURING love making. He likes to have conversations during sex (something I thought was a tad strange at first, but I quickly got over it and started talking, too), usually about his love for me or a reasonable fantasy. This time, however, he brought up the subject of a threesome, something I have fantasized about myself, so I carried on the topic. He asked if I would prefer having a threesome involving two men and and me or one involving two females and him. I said both because I have fantasized of being pleasured by two men, and women because I have always lusted over a beautiful woman's body. He said he knew a friend (a guy whom I have met) who might be interested and if I would consider actually doing it. For the sake of resuming love making, I agreed, letting him know I am not officially agreeing to anything because this is something that needs to be thoroughly discussed, and hoped we would leave it at that. He then brought up if I would be comfortable with some homoeroticism. I was shocked, but tried to just move on and resumed love making, saying that we should talk about this afterwards. I really didn't display an adverse reaction, because at the same time I was shocked, I was reminding myself that I would like to be pretty open about our sexuality. Trying to think that was a harmless request, I didn't get upset about it and I actually said I would consider it, still thinking of my own fantasy.

I have not brought it up to him as of now, and have decided that I am not completely comfortable with that suggestion yet (this happened yesterday). But what I am most confused about is how I should go about his disclosure. I said that I would expect and trust that he would remain faithful to us beyond any sort of consensual sexual exploration of our fantasies, and I even asked if he ever thought of himself as gay or bisexual. He said it was merely a curiosity. So what I am left with is this: am I wrong to doubt his commitment to us, as he has openly expressed his desire to someday be married and have children? Am I overreacting because, I, who consider myself "straight" relationship-wise, would probably want a sexual encounter with a woman? Are we just moving too fast with our sexual explorations? I apologize if I went into too much detail, but I feel that most of it might be useful in factoring in an opinion. Please let me know if you have any questions that might further enhance your understanding of the matter. Thank you, Dr. Bill, for your time.

Sincerely,
Concerned

If you are "over-reacting," as you put it, it's a bit strange, because why worry if he wants to experiment in a homoerotic fashion when you want to do the same? Reading between the lines there seems the fear that one or both of you might be gay, and what that might mean for a future relationship. You also have to remember that "homoerotic" refers to relationships between two women as well as two men, so maybe your boyfriend is just one of these straight guys who for some reason is turned on by the thought of two women getting it on. Did he specifically mean "homoeroticism" involving him and another guy? More on that in a moment.

Right at the outset I would have to say that if you are interested in a sexual encounter with a woman the proper classification for you might be bisexual but not "straight." Heterosexuals might be curious about homoerotic relationships, but a desire to put it into practice indicates a genuine attraction to your own sex. There is still a lot that is unknown about bisexuality and its reality; I tend to think if people are overwhelmingly attracted to their own sex [if they're being completely honest with themselves], regardless of any attraction to the opposite sex, they are essentially gay. There are plenty who will disagree with me. If a bi person is much more attracted to the opposite sex, then I might say that they were bisexual, but I at least couldn't think of such a person as being totally straight.

Now that we've got that out of the way, it sounds to me as if your boyfriend might still be trying to find himself. Or it could be that he's simply interested in swinging -- and if you're not comfortable with this you need to let him know at the outset. You may figure you'll lose him if you don't go along with him, but do you really want a guy who's going to be "swinging" if you'd prefer a monogamous relationship? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the swinger's lifestyle; it just isn't for everyone. A man [or woman] can remain emotionally committed to his or her partner while maintaining a swinger's lifestyle, but if the partner isn't into this lifestyle he or she may simply feel continually betrayed or forced into scenes that really don't interest them.

I'd suggest what you should do now is sit down and talk to him [during a less, shall we say, hectic moment] and ask him more about this homoeroticism he expressed an interest in. Does he want you to get it on with a woman? Or does he want to get it on with a guy? Some bisexual men are really gay guys who just can't come fully to grips with their sexuality and come out. [If you scroll down you'll see how I feel about "mixed marriages" between gay and straight.] There have been many cases of women who have been in abusive relationships with brutish men finding comfort in the arms of a more gentle, sexually confused gay guy [not that all gay men are gentle, believe me].

If you have some attraction to women, don't let it throw you. It's perfectly okay to be gay or bi.
While I admit I can be cynical [realistic?] when it comes to male bisexuality, there are plenty of women who insist -- sometimes very loudly -- that they are genuinely bi and can have happy relationships with either sex. If you someday come to the conclusion that you'd be happier with a woman, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about.

College tends to be the age of sexual experimentation, and many people your age haven't quite figured out if they're gay, bi or what-have-you. There's no need to be in a rush. This young man may be the love of your life, or -- as Judge Judy would put it -- in five years you may not even remember what he looked like. [For the record, when I was in college I thought of myself as straight, then bi. A few years later I realized I was gay, and have been happy with it ever since.]

College is a period for exploring and thinking about what you want to do with the rest of your life. Keep your mind open to possibilities and share your thoughts and fears with this fellow, who in all likelihood is dealing with the same insecurities that you are.

Gay -- or Just in a Bromance?

Hi, I really thank you for your time to read this, and I'm in desperate need to ask for your opinion. I guess my question has been similar to many questions I have read in your blog (a great one by the way, thank you!). But, there is something different about my case.

I am in a different culture than, I think, most readers of your blog. I am in a culture where guys seem to have a higher level of bromance [a very close, affectionate, non-sexual relationship between two heterosexual men, sometimes called a "man-crush" -- Dr. B], which is my main problem. You see, when it comes to love life, I'm a miserable screwup. Gay guys in my culture are not really my type, because most of them belong to effeminate category (I don't have any problem with that, they're just not my type), and I'm usually attracted to guys who are masculine and manly. These kind of guys are usually available in other countries. I am a person who is close to foreigners in my place (I was studying at an international university), and too bad that they also have a culture where bromance is very high.

And recently, I befriended a Turkish guy, who just came to my place. He is just so attractive that I really wanted to avoid meeting him because I knew that he'd not be able to reciprocate my feelings (I saw his pictures in facebook). However, last week, a friend insisted that I come to his house (where this guy was) where I met him and I instantly became infatuated with him. It was our first meeting and I found him to be a wonderful guy, plus with those looks! And now I can't forget about him, and he is in my mind 24/7. What makes it worse is that in our culture, gays are abhorred and coming out is not exactly something wise to do. And now I'm depressed because he is engaged but he keeps becoming so romantic to me. But I am told that guys in Turkish culture can be secretly gay or something. Do you know anything about this?

For your information -- this happened several times -- I seem to attract straight guys to become cuddly with me (and they don't seem to do that with other guys), much more cuddly than is usual in my culture. Do you think it's something to do with my personality? Am I being flirty? Because I don't remember being flirty. Or am I just unconsciously inviting them to be cuddly with me? I don't know. I really hope you can share your insights in this.

Thank you so much. [From Malaysia]


To start with your last point first, even here in the United States straight guys occasionally give one another a hug, sometimes when they've been drinking or are feeling emotional or excited about something (and men in this culture are not generally very "touchy-feely," as we call it). It may well be that they simply like you and your friendly personality. Straight men can be affectionate with other men; for them it just doesn't go any further.

As for guys in Turkey being secretly gay -- guys can be secretly gay in every country on the planet. Apparently the attitudes towards homosexuality in Turkey are much more progressive than in other Islamic nations, which may mean that Turkish men are actually more open about their sexuality.

It sounds to me like you're in a situation that is very universal among gay men of all nations. You have feelings -- both sexual and romantic -- for another man and you just can't tell if he feels the same [his affectionate feelings for you may not be sexual] or even if he's gay or straight. Even the fact that he's engaged to be married doesn't exclude the possibility that he's attracted to guys.

However, the fact that he's engaged does make him a little less available, and there is also the strong possibility that he is straight. I recognize the danger in coming on to him. The only thing I can suggest is that in a casual way you ask him what he thinks of homosexuals, gay marriage etc. At least it will give you some clue as to how he feels on the subject. Even if it turns out he is very homophobic it doesn't exclude him being gay, but it does suggest that it would be best for you to look elsewhere for a romantic or sexual entanglement. Good luck!

There's more about gay life in Turkey and Malaysia in the post below.