Hi Bill. Okay, so I've been in a serious relationship for a year. When I
first met him, I never suspected he'd be gay or of that type. He was a
huge flirt towards women. We were both bartenders and saw all the
attention he would receive. I wasn't interested at first because I knew
the type of guy he was. But I still went for it. We started getting very
serious, even moved in together. One day, we were having a conversation
about the craziest things we've done and he mentioned to me that when
he was 13 he kissed another boy. He said it was because they each had a
girl crush, and the two girls dared them to kiss each other in order to
able to sleep with them, so they did it, and later scored with the girl.
He then told me that later on he found out that it was all a trick
because the guy who he kissed WAS gay and liked him. He was upset about
it and broke contact with all of them. I felt a little weirded out about
it, but took it for what it was. Ever since then, I've been extremely
paranoid. I feel very alert about anything he does. I've occasionally
seen him glance at other men, like at the beach etc. I've confronted him
once and asked "are you gay" and he said "no, I am not gay. I did that
with the guy so I could sleep with the girl." Months later, we were
having sex when I insisted on talking dirty to each other. Then out of
no where he says "let me put it in the ass". I completely stopped and
pushed him off of me and began saying "I knew it." A huge fight burst
out after that. What caught me off guard was that we had never talked
about anal sex. He said his coworker had been talking about them having
anal with their girlfriends ans insisted that he should try it with me.
We were able to get past that but I still carry this huge paranoia and
it isn't fair to neither of us. We do love each other, but I don't think
I'll ever feel at ease. What should I do?
Two points to consider: A.) Giving a guy a quick kiss when he's 13 on a dare does not necessarily make a man gay. Believe me, I can be pretty suspicious, but this doesn't raise any red flags for me. It's the type of silly thing that could easily happen. I think you were, for whatever reason, so freaked out about it that you're interpreting his every action as being, somehow, "gay."
B.) It isn't only gay men who are into anal intercourse. Your boyfriend may be the experimental type who likes to try different sexual positions.That doesn't necessarily add up to homosexuality. Of course you don't have to engage in any sexual activity you don't feel comfortable with, but don't be so uptight that you perceive anything non-missionary as being "perverse." Whether a man is or isn't into things you might consider "kinky" generally has little to do with sexual orientation.
Can I swear to you that your boyfriend isn't attracted to men? No, I can't, but I'd need much more positive evidence before I could tell you that the man in your life is definitely gay.
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