Saturday, December 29, 2012

Bisexual Boyfriend?

Hi Dr. Bill,
My boyfriend of two years is 57, and I am a 49 y/o female. We've recently had a large 'bump' in our relationship. I have seen questionable behavior from him in the past, but most recently in the last few months.

At first glance, one would think he was a very masculine alpha male type. He even calls himself an alpha male. However, there are things about him which I question, especially since our recent 'bump in the road.' Up until last month everything seemed pretty great as far as him being happy with me. On the other hand, I had a few questions that I couldn't bring myself to ask him. He has always told me how wonderful I was using phrases like "pure as the driven snow." This is not true, btw. It seems torturous for him to say the words, "I love you." He'll go months without saying it, and when he does he tacks on phrases like "I love you to pieces." Sex is a very physical thing with him. He always talks nasty, and has never told me he loved me during the act. He does make sure I climax though.
Please excuse my ignorance, but I don't know bi-sexual 'behavior' if there is such a thing. I just know he isn't like any other man I've dated. Any one of these behaviors wouldn't raise an eyebrow, but more of them seem to keep appearing. He cooks chef-like meals, he knows designer labels, he has effeminate gestures, he purses his lips, he's very concerned about his looks, and his ear used to be pierced. All of this is nothing really, but there are a few things that worry me.

He calls a lot of guys 'fags', 'bisexual' or 'homosexual'. He is the most sexual man I have ever experienced, it's like anything goes, he has introduced me to 'snowballing' which I had never even heard of, and when I pleasure him orally he throws his legs up over his head. I think he wants me to stimulate him rectally, which I am not interested in at all. He has tried to do that to me, and I don't like it. He said he wants to do me anal. 

About two months before our little 'bump' the effeminate behavior really intensified. At times, he would act SUPER feminine, and even changed his deep voice to a high pitched voice while acting like a girly girl. Now, I wonder if he was testing me to see my response. Maybe he wanted to tell me something? He has genius level intelligence and makes over $300k/yr. When he's traveling he usually doesn't call me at night the way he always does when he is at home.

Anyway, he seemed more than happy with me (and himself) until a month ago when all of a sudden, like a ton of bricks, he won't call me, answer the phone, or respond in any way for several days. When he finally responded, he gave a truly bogus excuse for doing this (I am suddenly terrible now). He did start emailing a little here and there. But, he's going on back to back business trips, which he hasn't done since January. He wants to get back together, but I don't want to if he's bi. Everything is great when it's great which is most of the time. But I hate when he travels, because it's like he just disappears. I know he goes out partying when he is on trips, because he said he does. We NEVER go out partying together. It's like he has a double life. I'm the comfy/cozy half, then he has his 'other life.' We live an hour apart.

In my 49 years, I had never had anyone want to kiss me after a blowjob. He really loves it, licking all of it up. Then, the 'legs over the head' thing. I had never seen a man do that. Then, all the feminine gestures lately just put me over. Now, everything else that was ever the least bit questionable seems to make sense. It scares me because he really does treat me better than anyone has. I also do wonder if he would have a need to be with men if he was bi. Our sex life is phenomenal, but I have no experience with this.

One other thing. He has tons of female friends who feel comfortable calling him for 'relationship advice.' He has only a few male friends, none of which live close.

How do I confront him about this, or, what is your opinion on his 'behaviors?'
Thank you for your time.

Okay, there's nothing really that positive here to indicate whether or not this man is into guys. [Read the post "Boyfriend with Secrets"  and you'll see the difference.] Your boyfriend acts campy at times, apparently thinks it's cute to imitate stereotypical homosexuals [the girly girl business], is interested in a greater variety of sexual acts than the men you've known before, but none of that means he's gay or bi. I admit most men -- especially straight men -- don't want to kiss someone who has just given them a blow job, but it's not positive proof of anything, although his licking his own semen is admittedly a little suspect. Surely you know that cooking skills, pierced earrings, and the other things you mention are not clues to gayness; there are as many straight guys who are into that stuff as there are gay men who aren't. And there are straight men who are into analism, even if it's not that prevalent.

In general when most men want to "come out" to someone they don't do it by acting all effeminate -- why would they? However, when you consider that he refers to gay men as "fags" and frequently refers to men as being gay or bisexual [in, I assume, a disparaging manner] that could indicate that he has a problem with gay men. It could be that he's hiding something or is a repressed homosexual, but it's also possible that he has some deep-rooted heterosexual insecurities; he's afraid people think he's gay.

By the way, according to the latest theories, truly bisexual men don't have to have sex with men. It's gay guys who have to have sex with men.

I suggest that you tell him of your concerns because you can't go forward with this guy when you have these doubts. Don't accuse him of anything -- just tell him you're curious and need him to be honest. In person is better than in a text or on the phone. You can lead off by telling him you have a gay or bi friend who is conflicted, and see his reaction. If you make your questions part of a general discussion he won't feel cornered.

Good luck!


Anonymous said...

Is there a way to bring this up...without starting an argument?

I don't want to hurt his feelings or start an argument, but I think that my guy may be bi or at least bi-curious.

He likes for me to play with his butt during sexual activities and even wanting me to stick my finger inside.

He enjoys anal sex..meaning that he wants to try it with me, not receiving anything if that makes sense.

We've kinda talked about this, albeit in a kind of joking manner. But nothing really serious came out of it.

For awhile now, I've just put it out of my head that I was being silly, so I never thought anything more after I decided that I was over-analyzing things.

But then today...I see that he was watching porn (NBD, really) but I see that when he was looking for porn to watch, he did a specific search for "ebony trannys."

Now, I really don't know what to think! I want to just blatantly ask him if he has any interest in men, but I really don't want to hurt his feelings, start an argument, or make things awkward between him and I, especially sexually. do I bring this up?

Bill Samuels said...

As I say, the best way is to start a discussion without cornering him. You don't have to ask him if he's gay point blank [for one thing he might not identify as gay or bi]. You could say you have a girlfriend who thinks her boyfriend might be gay. See what kind of reactions he has. The important thing is not to accuse him of anything -- there's nothing wrong in being gay, only in lying to himself or others who care about him.

Anonymous said...

Hi Bill. Okay, so I've been in a serious relationship for a year.When I first met him, I never suspected he'd be gay or of that type. He was a huge flirt towards women. We were both bartenders and saw all the attention he would recieve. I wasn't interested at first because I knew the type of guy he was. But I still went for it. We started getting very serious, even moved in together. One day, we were having a conversation about the craziest things we've done and he mentioned to me that when he was 13 he kissed another boy. He said it was because they each had a girl crush, and the two girls dared them to kiss each other in order to able to sleep with them, so they did it, and later scored with the girl. He then told me that later on he found out that it was all a trick because the guy who he kissed WAS gay and liked him. He was upset about it and broke contact with all of them. I felt a little weirded out about it,but took it for what it was. Ever since then, I've been extremely paranoid. I feel very alert about anything he does. I've occassionally seen him glance at other men, like at the beach etc. I've confronted him once and asked "are you gay" and he said "no, I am not gay. I did that with the guy so I could sleep with the girl." Months later, we were having sex when I insisted on talking dirty to each other. Then out of no where he says "let me put it in the ass". I completely stopped and pushed him off of me and began saying "I knew it." A huge fight bursted out after that. What caught me off guard was that we had never talked about anal sex. He said his coworker had been talking about them having anal with their girlfriends ans insisted that he should try it with me. We were able to get past that but I still carry this huge paranoia and it isn't fair to neither of us. We do love each other, but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease. What should I do?

Bill Samuels said...

Sorry for the dealy. I'll respond in a new blog post in the next couple of days. Best, Bill