Is Friend's Husband Gay?

I HAVE 2 QUESTIONS -----  FIRST QUESTION: MY FRIEND –A WOMAN IN HER 60’S HAS BEEN MARRIED SINCE HER LATE 30’S --TO A VERY NARCISSISTIC MAN, WHO  I THINK IS GAY.  HE ALWAYS WAS G O N E   A LOT   TRAVELING  WORKING  ---THEN GOT  JOBS AWAY FROM HOME AND NOW  HE  HAS BEEN LIVING IN DC NEAR DUPONT CIRCLE WHICH IS A GAY NEIGHBORHOOD FOR 10 YEARS AT LEAST.   MY FRIEND LIVES IN A NORTHERN CITY HE ONLY RETURNS HOME ABOUT 1-2 TIMES A MONTH ----- AT THE DAUGHTERS WEDDING HE LET IT BE KNOWN THEY ARE SEPARATED  SHE WAS SHOCKED  ALTHO I HAVE TOLD HER MY IDEAS ABOUT HIS PERSONALITY AND LIFESTYLE----  GOING TO KENNEDY CENTER  AND EATING OUT 3 TIMES A DAY AND BUYING AND DOING WHATEVER HE WANTS ----- WITHDRAWING LARGE AMTS OF CASH  SO SHE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING IN DC    THEY DO HAVE 2 ADULT DAUGHTERS  LIVING IN OTHER STATES .  THE HUBBY IS GETTING TANS  TAKING MEDS FOR KEEPING HIS HAIR  ACTS RICH AND SMART AND SUCCESSFUL THO NOT REALLY THE CASE  HE WILL NEVER ADMIT WRONG AND IS SO FAKE ETC     HE IS NOW 66 WHAT DO YOU THINK???     SIGH   -      NOW SECOND QUESTION   SHOULD A PARENT WAIT TIL AN ADULT CHILD  COMES OUT????  OR SAY SOMETHING???

Well, merely living in Dupont Circle doesn't make someone gay, but judging from the rest of what you have to say there is a distinct possibility that he is leading a double life -- or at least has a girlfriend on the side. Although it could just as well be a boyfriend or boyfriends. Chances are he's "come out" to himself and a circle of friends but just can't bring himself to admit it to his wife. Perhaps she should confront him on it in a non-judgmental way?

As for your second question: If a parent feels an adult child is gay and also feels that they're not disclosing it is a barrier to their emotional closeness, they could bring it up -- again, in a non-judgmental way --  if only to let the adult child know that they are okay with it and just want to be a part of this aspect of their lives. Especially if the parent feels that the adult child is afraid the parent will disapprove or be unable to deal with it. If anything, it should bring the parent and adult child closer. 

Hope that helps. 

Enough with Asexuality!

I received a lot of responses to a long-ago post on asexuality. Many were rational and reasonable, but many others were apoplectic, moronic and ridiculous, even homophobic. Recently I got this nasty email from someone who clearly has issues of all different kinds:

"Being asexual is NOT a disability it is a valid orientation. no we aren't sick or lying; no not all of us are young. there are some in their 70's who never had sex & are leading perfectly happy lives." [Sheesh, if this gal had bothered to read all the comments on my [rather old] post on asexuality she would have seen that I bear no one who identifies as asexual ill will, even if I do not necessarily see asexuals as a persecuted minority a la blacks or gays.] -- Dr. Bill

"sex isn't everything. LOVE is." Love is great. So is sex.

"also jesus christ himself was asexual. never had sex or kids." As for Jesus, he was also a Jew. Can you deal with that, or are you anti-Semitic as well as homophobic?

"same goes for enoch a human male." I think she's trying to say eunuch.This is a castrated male, not one who is [born] asexual.

"guess where both are right now? uh huh....in heaven alive well virgin." I think she means alive and well and still virgins.

"if anything..being gay is a disease....see how do you like that? get your facts right before putting down someone else!" Oh, yeah, like you have your facts right?

I'm tempted to just say" Oh, fuck you -- you  homophobic sexless bitch! I believe some people may be genuinely born asexual -- which is not an "orientation" -- but you are just a fucked-up, hung-up, frigid self-hating suppressed lesbian in denial."


But instead I'll just say: It's okay to be gay! 

In the meantime, I am immediately deleting any emails I get on this subject without reading them. I am a sexual being and I'm simply disinterested in the whole subject of asexuality. So don't bother sending me angry emails, they will simply be ignored. [And it goes without saying that I'm deleting/blocking any further emails from this particular correspondent and her friends, as well as giving their emails to my cop friend.] 

One last thing, which I just read on a website devoted to asexuality: "Asexuality as a subject is hard. It's even hard for us, so you can imagine how hard it is for someone who writes dozens of hour-long teleplays in a year. And the one thing that makes it so hard is the simple fact that it is a scientific fact that conditions that are similar to Asexuality can be caused by a myriad of medical or psychological problems. To deny it would be a great disservice to everyone." 

Well, there you have it. At least one asexual person is willing to admit that not everyone who thinks they're asexual is actually asexual [Now if we can only get bisexuals to do the same!]

Married Gay Man and Co-Worker

I am struggling with a situation. I am a married man who found myself falling in love with a male colleague.  I would like to express myself but hope to take a calculated risk.  The assurance I seek, which could be too ideal I reckon, is to find out if he is gay, too.  When I desire him, I am aware I could be over reading his behaviors as I want so much for him to be gay. 

I have grown to like him very gradually.  I miss him a lot when I do not see him; receiving his texts makes me feel like he is thinking of me at least.  I care a lot for him and he has certainly shown very personal care towards me.  I look forward to meeting him every day.  It is not sex as I do not get attracted to him over his physical appeal; he is a very average guy.  It is that special connection I feel between us.  And from there an arousal.  I think of him every day. Deep down I do wish I could express myself honestly with the hope that he will accept and respond favorably.  I am not afraid that he does not like me the way I do.  I love him and I have no obligatory expectation.  I am most afraid that if he is resentful of my honesty it will change our relationship.  I will drive him away. 

I am homosexual but because I am married to a woman and capable of intimacy with females, I qualify myself as bisexual.  I am straight acting, highly sociable and sit in top management team of my company.  Very private in my personal life, I am a closet homosexual.  I do not hang around in pubs or bars – overall am a family man.  A workaholic by nature, I like outdoors, sports and adventures.

I am actually going through a great struggle over the issue.  I am tempted to express my feelings but seized with such great fear.  I am able to take it IF he is gay but not interested in me. I cannot bear it if he is not even gay and starts to feel uneasy upon hearing me.

This is a fairly common situation, being romantically and/or sexually attracted to someone and not only not knowing if they feel the same way about you, but not even knowing if they're gay. What makes it even more difficult for you is that you're in the closet. So even if he's gay and is attracted to you, he doesn't know how to deal with it any more than you do. [This is one more example of how being in the closet can be so detrimental for gay people.] If both of you were "out" you'd only have to deal with how you felt about each other, not with whether or not to disclose the truth of your sexuality. But let's get past that for the moment.

Judging from other information you've given me which I have not posted, you bounce back and forth from thinking this fellow is gay to not gay and, as you admit, clutch at every possible indication that he could be gay and feel the same way as you do. Frankly, the only way you can tell for certain is by being honest with him, whatever the consequences. But then -- even if he's gay, even if he feels the same way you do -- there's the fact that you are already in a relationship, however bogus it may be; you're married. Even if he is comfortable with his sexuality it doesn't mean he will be comfortable in a clandestine relationship with a married man, gay or bi. Many gay men have been burned by getting into relationships with conflicted married men who, whatever they say in bed, will never have the courage to come out and/or leave their wives. 

I can tell you are very conflicted, possibly due to religious feelings. You say at one point that your feelings aren't sexual, then say that he "arouses" you. Let's be blunt. You may have "feelings" for this guy, but you also hunger for his body. Don't let your hang ups make you ashamed of this. It's okay to be gay. It's okay to have romantic and sexual feelings for other men.

You are not alone in this situation. Many family men, whether they identify as gay, bi or even straight [which is major self-denial, of course] are privately attracted to men. Being in a closet doesn't make it easier for them, although they wrongly believe it will, at least at first. 

Before you come out to this guy you might consider getting counseling or therapy from a gay or gay-friendly therapist. If your town has a gay center, you might inquire if they have a group for married gay men or men struggling with their identity. Meeting other men who are in a similar situation might make it easier for you. It might prepare you to have what I suspect you really want: a committed sexual and romantic relationship with a man.

I simply can't tell you whether or not this guy is gay or feels the same way as you do. And you must understand, as an Out and Proud Gay Man, I can't encourage people to stay in the closet and have boyfriends on the side while pretending to the world to be straight. If you want to live a straight closeted life, that's your prerogative, but you have to accept that some privileges will be lost to you. 
 

Boyfriend Who Supposedly Acts "Gay"

My boyfriend loves to imitate gay men; he has even put on my wig and bra and paraded around the house in front of me and my sister. I told him that I was uncomfortable with that behavior and not to do it again. Several weeks later he starts acting like he is gay, snapping his fingers with his hands on his hips. Recently, we spent the night over my girlfriend's house with her and her husband -- they were delighted to have us over. Well, we started drinking and then he starting playing like he was gay and when my girlfriend told him to stop, she and her husband were uncomfortable with the behavior --  she asked him if he was gay; he laughed and said 'No, I'm a homo fag-tug fag, no.' [What? -- Dr. B] We laughed at him and he stopped with the act. Later that night us women stayed upstairs and the men stayed down stairs in the living room -- my girlfriend's husband told us the next morning that he put on my earring in front of him as a joke -- is my boyfriend gay? 

Your boyfriend may be an asshole but I'm not certain he's gay. I'm also not sure why you and your friends were uncomfortable with his behavior -- because he was stereotyping and making fun of gay men and/or confusing them with transvestites, or because you yourself are uncomfortable around gay people, especially the more stereotypical kind?

First of all, gay men do not put on wigs and bras and act all limp-wristed and girlish. That is a stereotype. Most gay men are just average, perfectly masculine guys who happen to be gay. Trust me on this -- I am, after all, a gay man and should know. Men who like to put on women's garments such as bras are transvestites, not homosexuals, and many of them are straight.

It's possible that your boyfriend isn't imitating gay men at all, but acting "campy" and silly, actually imitating women,just because he thinks it's funny. A great many comedians, straight and gay, have dressed and camped it up as women for laughs. Putting on a wig and bra to get some chuckles out of his friends hardly makes your boyfriend a true transvestite let alone a gay man.


Again, it's one thing if you and your friends object because you think he's making fun of [stereotypical] gay men -- another thing if it simply bothers you because you think he's "queer." Finally, the proper reaction to someone using the highly offensive word "fag" is to tell them to go fuck themselves!

Happy 2012!

My apologies to those who have sent in questions. I have been dealing with a number of issues that needed my personal attention. However, things should be back on track very shortly, and I'll be answering the back log of questions as quickly as possible. Many thanks for your patience! Bill

Crabby

Hello Dr. Bill,

First, thank you for your time in answering this question.

I am a 50-year-old gay man and have been out since I was 16.  I lead a rather conventional suburban lifestyle in the SF Bay Area.  A few years back, I ended a 17 year relationship and I have been with my current boyfriend for two years. We don't live together but we are in a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship.

I would hate to think that I am being naive, but what are the chances of getting crabs without having had sex with someone?  I got them but I did not have sex with anyone and my boyfriend said he did not have sex with anyone as well.  I have not tried on new clothes or slept in anyone else's bed.  I am completely baffled on how I could have gotten these little "buggers."

Any light you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, again.

 

Well, first let me make it clear that yes, you can get crabs without having sex with anyone, but there are certain conditions. The problem in your case is that you have not shared anyone's clothing, slept in someone else's bed, and presumably have not shared towels with anyone, either. That eliminates most of the possibilities. Technically, I suppose one could get crabs from a toilet seat if you use it not long after an infected person has been sitting there, but remember that crabs do not live too long away from the warmth of the host body -- and they have little reason to leave it just to hang out on a toilet seat. Is it possible that your boyfriend borrowed clothing from someone, or crashed in someone's apartment [without necessarily having sex with them]?

However, the truth is that people generally wind up with crab lice after having sex -- or at least some kind of close physical contact -- with someone else. Perhaps your boyfriend can shed some light on where he picked them up? Or perhaps be a little more honest? But remember, if he did have a one-night-stand, don't over-react. Sometimes these things happen and they really don't mean anything. 

That being said, most people can forgive an occasional "indiscretion" more than they can getting crabs -- especially without the pleasure of sex!

Stomach Pain After Anal Sex

Dear Dr. Bill,

I have recently started dating a new guy (he is 23) and we have had anal sex twice now and the day after he gets stomach pain (cramping) and nausea. He does not have diarrhea or anything like that, just the cramps. Last week, he went to the doctor and the doctor gave him a CT scan because the doctor thought it could be Crohn’s disease. My guy did not tell him that he had anal sex the night before, but did tell the doctor he was gay.

He has an appointment with a specialist next month to confirm the diagnosis of Crohn’s. I have a feeling that it is not Crohn’s but that since I am very thick, that I am pumping a lot of air into his bowels and it is gas pain. Last time this happened to him with another guy, the doctor prescribed an antacid and this took the pain away. This time the doctor has prescribed Prednisone. He has decided not to take it, as there are a lot of side effects.

I have been researching this question online with no real answers.

Thank you in advance for your help.

People's systems react differently to anal sex [especially if it's a comparatively new or infrequent experience] and getting gas or nausea is certainly not unusual, or necessarily something to worry about. Undoubtedly this condition will clear up in time. I suggest if this guy sees any more doctors he tells him or her that he engages in anal sex as a bottom, as it will help in their diagnosis. [If he feels he is in any way being judged, he should see another doctor.] As for prednisone, it is prescribed for a great many conditions, including cancer, arthritis, AIDS, etc., often in combination with other drugs, but a doctor would probably not prescribe it for gas or indigestion. The guy may have other medical conditions you may not know about.

Douche for Anal Sex

Hi Dr

I wonder if you can help me and I am fed up with my problem. I douche my arse with a douche connected to the shower. I can spend half an hour cleaning myself only to find during sex I am still shitty. Am I douching too much? Why does the shit keep pushing into the anal tract?I am not really sure how all this works.

I would appreciate your advice.

Thanks

During anal sex there is so much constant and repeated pressure into the rectum that it's nearly impossible for some fecal matter not to wind up on your partner's pole -- or rather, the condom that he uses. Forget about douching and just take a normal shower sometime before and definitely after sex.

Possibly Gay Boyfriend

Dear Bill,

I have been dating this guy for almost a year now. He is good in bed and stares at women. However, he has very gay mannerisms.[I assume you mean stereotypical mannerisms as most gay men are not "limp-wristed hairdressers" -- Bill]  He cares about his dressing, he takes longer to shower than I do, all his male friends are gay except one. He grinds with them in public, he holds hands with his best friend, who is gay. This behavior appalls me [presumably because it's your date and not because you have a problem with gay behavior -- Bill]and I don't know what to do. Everybody thinks he is gay. I asked him sweetly about it and he says he doesn't know how to act like a bro because he grew up among women. He has 2 sisters and lives with his mom. His parents are divorced. He says he always found it easier to make friendships with gay men. I asked him about his sexual history and he said he has never done anything sexual with a guy. Most of my friends are gay too, so when we go out to gay clubs and gay guys hit on him, he enjoys the attention and proudly talks to them and then later on he will introduce me as his girlfriend. He is also quick to point out a good looking man on television. I am confused about his behaviour. Please help me before I lose my mind. I dated a gay guy before, and I don't want to make the same mistake. I have a preference for a completely straight man.

Well, I gotta tell you that this doesn't sound like a completely straight man. On the other hand, some of the things you mention aren't necessarily red flags. There are girlish heterosexual men [just as the vast majority of gay men are not effeminate], and a man can also care about his appearance, take a long time to dress and shower, and still be straight. [The reverse is also true: I'm a gay man and I'm a slob, or so some friends tell me, LOL!] Guys who grow up in all female households can sometimes seem a bit epicene [androgynous or unmanly] but it doesn't necessarily mean they're gay. [For the record, it's generally now believed that people are born gay, so whether a man grows up surrounded by women or men, has or hasn't got a father figure, is irrelevant.] Growing up with women may have helped your boyfriend be more comfortable around women, and perhaps the more stereotypical gay men.

Now we come to this business of how your boyfriend has virtually immersed himself in the gay scene. Since you say that the both of you have gay friends and therefore hang out a lot in gay clubs, it may be that he finds himself in a homoerotic environment and doesn't want to stick out like a sore thumb. [We'll all seen some straight guys in gay bars clinging to their girlfriends, practically breaking their ribs, in terror of being thought gay.] So he dances with some of his gay friends to be cool, although I have to admit that the grinding and holding hands is a bit much. I have known cases of guys who immerse themselves in gay culture, have girlfriends and refer to themselves as straight, but are deep down attracted to men. My guess is that your boyfriend is possibly gay or at least bisexual but just isn't quite ready to acknowledge it, although he seems to do everything else but have sex with guys [if what he's told you is true, and it may not be]. I call these guys "gay-friendly closet cases."

Most straight couples go to gay clubs that tend to be somewhat mixed [men and women/gay and straight] and not the more intense cruise bars or "meet" markets where gay guys go to get laid. If he's hanging out in the latter bars he could certainly be attracted to men.

I won't repeat what I've written in my post Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay, but I suggest you review the information and familiarize yourself with the red flags.

The truth is that there's no hard and fast way to know for sure about someone unless they come out of the closet or you discover they're having sex with guys, are on gay dating sights, etc. In the meantime, if his behavior in gay bars embarrasses you, you should probably stick to straight clubs. Right now I think it's more that he's "acting" gay that bothers you than that he may be sleeping with guys, because otherwise you probably wouldn't bother dating a guy that you think is gay!

More Weighty Matters

I have really enjoyed your recent blogs on weight issues. [Thank you.] I am a bear chaser, or at least I used to be, now more of a pocket bear. Anyways some chasers do care about their partners health. When I met my boyfriend he was about 230 lbs. Which looks really good on his stocky "bull" build. However after a few years (February of 2012 will be our 10 year anniversary) he gained, going up to about 370 lbs at his biggest.

While I am not a fetish feeder, I am a good cook.  I feel partly responsible because I would bake him cakes, and other treats. It was my not my intention to make him obese, I just wanted to make him happy. Food made him happy. So whenever he was mad or mean or grumpy. I would bake a pie, and it would fix things. I realize that it was a huge mistake.

I never stopped being attracted to him. And sometimes I envy his large size due to the ability to intimidate people with his size.  I have been helping him to loose weight, and he as dropped 50 lbs. I would love for him to get down to 230 and be able to go off of insulin. But I can not force him to exercise. He has a much stronger will than me and he does not take orders from anyone. All I can really do is to try to be supportive. I do not buy a lot of junk food. And deserts are a rare treat now instead of a daily occurrence.  I hope that he does get healthier and starts to enjoy life more. But I can not force him to.  I guess my overly long point is some chasers do care about the health and well being of their bears. [Very glad to hear it! Bill]

Part 2: .My question

As from my first comment. I am in a nearly 10 year relationship. My boy friend is 16 years older than me. When we met I was 22 he was 38.  At that time I had near 0 chest hair, and just ok beard coverage. Now through aging and some minoxidil use, I have a pretty kick ass beard. And even some (though still wish I had more ) chest hair.

Our problem arises in that my boyfriend hates full beards, but I really want one. I have made the concession in the past to have a goatee in the summer(that he likes) and the beard in the winter. We are in Florida so really only 2 seasons.  However he is already starting to complain about the beard.
He thinks I should do what he finds attractive. And while I can see his point, I still have a desire to be fully furried. How much should I give in on this? I mean I like to make him happy but the beard gets me all kinds of positive reaction. Especially from straight men who find it impressive.

My bf is very hairy (Italian) but himself is more in to smooth guys. And never cared for the bear scene. we don't really go out anymore except to local straight bars and restaurants, because he thinks gay bars can cause relationship problems  he prefers strict monogamy). I admit that my smoothness was why I got to have him. I also always wish I were like him and had that beautiful bearness. 

I suppose I should at least give in for his birthday and shave. But the beard will definitely be back before Christmas. How should I deal with the nagging? How can I respect his feelings while still being who I want to be?

Thank you so much for your time, and your blogs. Just writing you makes me feel a lot better.

 Okay, I have to ask, what do you care what straight men think about your beard? Surely your partner of ten years' opinion matters more than some straight guy? I mean, what's up with that, LOL? Gay guys generally want to change their appearance to attract other gay guys!

I have a feeling you like the beard because it makes you feel/look butcher [or what some guys with an old-fashioned sensibility might say "straighter."]? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look more masculine -- and the whole bear/hairy guy thing has a lot of do with masculinity --  but a man can be smooth and clean-shaven and not-so-macho and still be attractive.

On the other hand, you have a right to feel good about yourself and look the way you want to. My advice is to tell your lover that you'll get rid of the beard -- or only wear it in winter -- when he gets down to a healthy recommended size! That may motivate 'im! Just as he wants you to look a certain way, you have the right to prefer him to look a certain way as well.

Your partner is 16 years older than you, getting older, and may be a little insecure, which may be why he's nervous about the bar scene, but if the two of you go to a bar together it shouldn't be a problem. He's undoubtedly afraid that at nearly twenty years his junior you have a wandering eye -- you didn't really have that much time to sow your wild oats, as they say, before getting into a long-time partnership. The answer is compromise. [I always been in favor of modified open relationships -- I frankly think relationships last longer that way -- but a great many gay men disagree with me on this. Different strokes ...]

If the two of you love each other and enjoy each other's company and are there for each other during the rough patches of life, then everything else will work itself out. Good luck!