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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Gay Self-Hatred

I am gay and have a gay friend who is constantly making negative remarks about other gay people and homosexuality in generalI have confronted him on this on more than one occasion, but he seems unable to talk about why he feels the way he does. He is Catholic, and may have absorbed some of their virulently homophobic attitudes. I think he has many good qualities, I like him, but his homophobia and negativity often make it difficult to deal with him. We are both in our mid-forties. He has no partner, but I can't imagine he will ever get one with his current attitude. Is there any way to help him get over his internalized homophobia?

Homosexual men like this have hated themselves for so many years that it's often difficult if not impossible to get through to them. That doesn't mean there isn't a chance, but your friend has to admit that there is a problem. He is gay, he can't change it, yet he hates himself and hates being gay, and it is all so unnecessary. You are undoubtedly right that his Catholic upbringing has done a number on him, as it has on so many other gay men and lesbians.

Often the self-hate of people like this is commingled with other negative feelings they have about themselves regarding their looks, weight, frustrated ambitions, loneliness, and so on. Your friend probably has a whole long list of grievances. His negative feelings about himself [aside from his homosexuality] feed off his negative feelings about being gay, and create a vicious circle that he's trapped inside.

Men like this are often expressing negative feelings because they feel rejected by other gay men. He has no boyfriend, probably does not go out on dates, and let's not even get into his sex life. This feeling of being rejected leads to him hating being gay and blaming his homosexuality on all of his problems -- he would be happy, he feels, if only he were straight. Sadly, it doesn't work that way. [And there are plenty of miserable, lonely heterosexuals out there for which being straight is not a magic cure-all.]

Sit down with him and tell him how utterly oppressive you find his attitude to be. In a tactful way help him to maximize his assets and minimize his less attractive features. He can't change his orientation so he might as well accept it, embrace it, and develop some pride in himself. Suggest he get some counseling and that a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help him feel better about himself. And it wouldn't hurt to remind him that more and more people are finding the Catholic church and other religions negative attitudes toward homosexuality to be outrageous and totally out of date.

I mean, guys like this are deep down miserable and they don't need to be.

If he doesn't listen to you, refuses to even talk about it, and his behavior and remarks continue to bother you, then you may just have to lose him as a friend.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Brutal Porn Part Two

Dear Bill:

This is a tough one to write, because I think it's always hard for people to talk about "what they do on the Web" behind closed doors and out of sight. At least, no one I know -- even close friends who seem open about just about everything -- don't talk about their Web surfing much, and never about sex sites. [Some people do talk quite regularly about their various adventures on the web and on porn sites. Depends on the individual and often on how "out" they are -- Bill.]

I'm a 45-year-old gay male and most likely have watched no more and no less gay porn over the years than the average gay male (if there is such a thing), going way back to VHS tapes. But I've seen the variety of sex acts portrayed in gay porn expand wildly over that time, and especially in the last few years on the Internet. Some of what I see if highly disturbing to me and seems to cause a great deal of guilt and even depression because I feel, on some level, that it's really wrong for anyone to be filming these things, making money from it, and enjoying the watching of it.

Let me say at the outset that I don't make value judgments about ordinary people doing what they want to sexually in the privacy of their bedrooms, with consent, or even in clubs as long as no one is forced to do anything they didn't sign up for. Specifically, bondage and S&M aren't something that bother me if people are doing it because they enjoy it and they're genuinely making a choice that that is what gives them pleasure.[I agree.]

But I see larger and larger numbers of movies, and clips of movies, available online that truly involve brutal presentations of sexual-related acts in which guys clearly are in pain or extreme discomfort. The envelope is being pushed more and more each year and I think everyone knows it. These kinds of videos are mostly online -- I haven't seen many in stores. (Of course, I realize there are many straight videos like these and that this is not a gay phenomenon.)

Anyone browsing through free gay porn sites, I think, would not need explanation of what these videos entail, but they often portray quite young guys (who often look much younger) being tied up and subjected to various violent treatment and abuse (if that's the correct word) that, in the non-porn-production world, would be classified as assault, battery, torture, even rape. [Definitely sounds pretty creepy.]

I'm writing not merely to express dismay over what's increasingly being hawked for money by the porn industry, but to admit that I've developed a fascination and attraction to some of this stuff -- and it really bothers me and makes me feel pretty awful about myself. [Is it really this porn that makes you feel awful, or something deeper, some negative feelings you have about yourself that this porn brings out?]

It seems to me that people can get pleasure out of other people who are also getting pleasure, or seeing other people in pain. Our minds are complicated, and it doesn't take viewings of "Star Wars" episodes to realize that everyone has very good sides and very dark sides, and definite temptations to give in to the latter. I remember in high school English class our teacher asked us to give our personal definition of evil, and the best I could come up with was feeling pleasure at the pain of another. Now, folks in S&M probably would strongly disagree that they are anything close to evil, but that doesn't change the fact that watching these things is clearly both enticing to me but repellent, and I come away from them every time feeling sorry that I did watch.

If I were giving advice like you, I'd probably say, "You can't do anything about changing the porn industry or what happens to these actors. There are complicated reasons why people enjoy S&M, or bondage, and complicated reasons why these young actors get involved in porn. The only thing you can do is control your own actions and avoid videos that make you feel bad about your choices."

I think that would be good advice, [Yes!] and I'm trying now to make some pragmatic choices that would put that into effect. I actually set up a porn filter on my laptop that screens out sex sites, because I was spending way too much time on such things. Also, I found a porn addiction message board on the Web and registered, though frankly I don't know if I will be posting on it.

I guess my big worry is that I'll eventually just chuck the porn filter and go back to my old ways -- "binging" on sites that seem wrong to me, then feeling guilty and horrible, but perhaps not guilty enough to stop. And then wondering what all this says about my own values and ethics. I mean, in all other spheres of my life I think of myself as moral and kind and helpful to people. (I did used to talk about this with my therapist, who is now actually my ex-therapist, but he seemed somewhat clueless about it all. Not very familiar with these kinds of Web sites and clips, he thought that no one really feels pain in them and that all the actors are just faking. But surely the pain is often very real -- I mean, it's what the audience demands and the studios provide, right?) [I don't have all the answers to that, but you have to remember that you are not the one inflicting pain on these people.]

I know there's no simple answer to all this, but I wanted to know your general thoughts on the subject, how you view the Internet and how it can change people, and if you have any advice.

Thanks for your time, Bill

You raise a large number of issues. I did a post on this a few years back called Brutal Gay Porn but I have some other thoughts today. I confess I have not watched any of these brutal gay porn movies, and probably wouldn't want to. Are the actors actually in pain, or just pretending? I guess it's the difference between hard core and soft core, where in the former the participants are actually having sex, and in the latter they're just play-acting. Since people can be quite realistically and graphically dismembered and murdered in horror films, I imagine it's relatively easy to fake some S&M material, as well as pain and torture, in a porn film. [While I have no moral objections as such to either pornography or prostitution, I do know that, sadly, some people selling their bodies either on the street or having sex in front of a camera are desperate and perhaps being exploited as well.] 

But I have to say that torture and rape are not part of any S&M community that I know. Now you're getting more into CSI and Law and Order: Special Victims Unit than Star Wars -- I mean this isn't "kink," it's sick and criminal behavior. At the same time, if perfectly normal people can enjoy graphic violence in horror and action films, it's also possible that it's not abnormal to enjoy it in porn movies, although most people would not find it very sexy. You're watching [hopefully] phony recreations of aberrant acts, not participating in them. 

The deeper issue is what does enjoying degradation -- either your own or someone else's -- say about a person's sense of self-worth. All I can tell you is that members of the S&M/kink/fetish community have special needs and interests and look at things quite differently from the rest of us. When it comes to gay men, does self-hatred, which leads to hatred of other gay men or hatred of gay activity, have something to do with the obsession with hurting and degrading other men (or being "victim" of same)? You're right that gay members of the S&M community would probably object most strongly. Still most of the members of that community I've met are less interested in giving or enjoying another's pain than they are in role-playing -- the whole bondage and discipline and master/slave bit. [Undoubtedly many find that distasteful -- who would want to be a slave -- but in most cases it's mostly for extra titillation and never goes too far.]

If you think you're spending too much time watching these movies and especially if they make you feel bad about yourself, substitute something that won't create those negative feelings. It could be some deep-rooted internalized homophobia, shame or guilt over being gay, that might make you enjoy stuff in which men are brutalized and degraded. Only a gay or gay-friendly therapist can help you get to the root of it, and it's something you might consider if you find you can't stop watching the stuff and it only makes you feel worse and worse. 

Lastly, as for how the Internet can change people, well, it can certainly provide lots of fodder for fetishes -- healthy and less so -- of all kinds, and mini-communities of people who are into all sorts of shit [literally, some times]. In some cases this can help people feel less strange and alone, but sometimes it only makes a bad situation worse by feeding the fetish until it overtakes everything else. Again, a therapist can help in the latter cases.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Dr. Bill is Back

Had to deal this past month with some personal issues, as well as finishing up a new book, but I hope to maintain a regular schedule [now where have we heard that before] and deal with the back log asap. Thanks for reading, and thanks for your questions.

Staying Friends with a Lover

Hi Bill,

I am 51, male and always knew I had an attraction to males.   Never had any relationship.  Just some encounters, all the time also trying to convince myself I was into girls as well.   I met a guy who manages a house next to mine and we became friends.  I eventually initiated sexual activity with him and he gladly accepted.  we became emotionally close.  He eventually has the maturity to talk to me to let me know he was feeling too attached to me and we had to stop having any sexual relations.  He felt constrained and was afraid of any relationship.  We agreed but kept on having the odd sexual romp.  We have said a few times now that we will not carry on but then we do.  Now, the last time we REALLY decided we would stop.   He has had other encounters during the time we had been testing these waters (8 months).  He says he does NOT want any relationship and I believe him but am having a very difficult time letting go and just being friends.  I am feeling that I might love and be In love with him but not sure.  How do I let it go while keeping my sanity and not driving him away from being a good friend?? Never had any gay relationships before and have failed at all female ones and so I am feeling that I will never find IT.  Can you advise??

Thanks,


My advice is to forget about this guy -- as difficult as that sounds -- and find someone who feels the same about you as you do about him. Not always easy, I know, but it is very, very difficult to be mere "friends" with someone you may be in love with, all the while hanging out with him and hoping things -- or his attitude towards you -- will change. If he's just a fuck buddy -- a friend you have sex with on occasion -- and not someone you have romantic feelings for, that's one thing, but if your heart is caught up with the sex and friendship, it's a different story.

51 is not old. [Hell, I know guys in their seventies who are still cruising, dating, and getting laid!]. Join some gay dating sites like silver daddies or bearwww and you'll find lots of perfectly nice and attractive fellows who are looking for love, sex or both. [Some of these guys are Out and Proud, and others are discreet and closeted.]

I know -- believe me, I know -- how difficult it is to get hung up on a certain fellow, but it's better to be happier with someone new than miserable and uncertain with someone who, ultimately, may not be right for you or vice versa. Take heart -- I know a guy who only just came out of the closet [after being married for decades] and within a couple of months he had a boyfriend!

You never know!

Possibly Gay Boyfriend?

The relationship with my boyfriend is four months long, and I did not feel him as [being] gay when I first met him. And it was about three months ago that I first learned the possibility of men cheating on women with other men, closeted, from dad (He just explained the term "downlow" to me). One day my bf and I went to a restaurant, and there was an obviously gay guy as an waiter, and during and at the end of our meal, he constantly tried to talk with my boyfriend. After the waiter asked several questions and got the information about my boyfriend's profession, he said he was a florist, that he wanted to give his contact information in case my bf needs flowers. My bf agreed to share contact info, saying, "Since I have a gf, I am interested", and they gave each other's numbers. I read in some books that gays can spot other gays and became skeptical about my bf's sexuality since this incident.



My bf has high energy, soft voice and is effeminate, sensitive-emotional, smart- all the features colleagues who turned out to be gays had when I went to college. And not long after me getting confused of his sexuality, I asked him first how he feels about gay guys in general, and he just calmly answered that those guys are needed for balancing the number of the population by not making kids. I asked if he was a gay, and he said, "Every guy has a fantasy about sleeping with men [no they don't -- Bill], but I haven't slept or dreamed about sleeping with a man. It is not first time I was asked, though. My mom questioned me if I was gay, and several other people did. But I feel angry because I am not gay, I always dreamed to be with one woman in my life and had 5 girlfriends before you. I always wanted to have a family. I am into women." As I also learned that closeted guys deny the fact, I did not fully trust him, but part of my skepticism on his sexuality had gone at that point.

Am I being too over sensitive? or is me being skeptical about those things reasonable? I am not willing to waste time with him if he is gay or closeted, but as he is saying he is not gay and as I did not find the certain clues for him to be gay and do like him, I am trapped and cannot break up with him unless I find out certain clues. I haven't slept with him, and he knows that I am a virgin. Is there a possibility that he is just keeping me on the side to get into my pants someday for he is curious about sex with a virgin when he is gay?


Thanks in advance. 

[This correspondent also mentioned an incident when she thought two men might have been having sex in her boyfriend's bedroom when he insisted it was really his sister and her boyfriend. She also found sanitary napkins in his glove compartment which he also said were his sister's.]

Well, to start with, I don't know how many gay guys, closeted or not, want to have sex with a female virgin, but this guy could be, or at least think of himself as being, bisexual. It's quite possible that he's been telling you the truth about everything, and you suspect he's gay because he fits some of the stereotypes about gay men that you've grown up with. 

Just because a gay waiter might have been trying to drum up business [I assume you meant the waiter has a flower business on the side?] or even been flirting with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your boyfriend is gay. He might have taken the guy's contact information to be polite. He did make it clear he had a girlfriend. 

To be honest with you, there are  -- even in this more enlightened day and age -- quite a few men of all ethnic backgrounds who are on the "down low," but nothing your boyfriend has said or done makes it absolutely certain.

No offense intended, but I do have to wonder why a straight guy nowadays who's had five girlfriends before you is content to have a girlfriend who's a virgin. That's the one thing that raises a red flag with me. Does he have some religious convictions against sex before marriage? 

Since you are not being intimate with the guy, and I suspect neither of you have made a firm commitment to the other, this is what we would call casual dating. Keep seeing the guy if you like him-- date other guys as well -- and see if anything else comes up that bothers you, then ask him about it again. In the meantime, check out by post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay.

Dealing with Self-Hatred

Dear Dr Bill,
I am a gay Man.  I am 44 years old, I have a wonderful Civil Partner whom I love, however I am not
Happy, I want to be straight, I want to be on equal footing with straight men, I don't want people asking me if I am gay, I act straight all the time; I am careful never to let my guard down, I have visited Doctors for a cure. I can't believe in this day and age they can't cure Homosexuality.
If there was a pill I would have taken it years ago. All I want to know is -- why me,?I asked my doctor, and he said why not. I was staggered and furious, he said being gay is not a problem it's natural. I can't fancy women. I fancy men I even married one because I fancy men.

I do t know what to do;I have lost so many friends and hurt people because I explode with anger
if I am asked if I am Gay.

I want to know why gay men look gay, what causes it, how can I be happy. How can I make my partner happy.

You're suffering from a very bad case of what what we call internalized homophobia, and it has a lot of causes. You may have been treated badly because you're gay, you may have been raised in a very homophobic environment, have relatives who are anti-gay, or have negative feelings about your sexuality because of religious feelings. 

The first thing you have to accept is that it's okay to be gay

There is no "cure" for homosexuality because it is not a disease. It is perfectly natural. This isn't gay activist propaganda -- it's scientific fact. The latest research strongly suggests that we are born gay, and nothing can change it -- there is no "cause." We can pretend to be heterosexual, we can live false lives, stay in the closet, but isn't it better to accept yourself and enjoy being gay?

To answer some of your questions, most gay men do not "look" gay. Only a relatively small percentage conform to stereotypes. Some gay men fear and hate the fact that they may be obviously gay, while others embrace it, have fun with it, develop an inner toughness that deals with the fact that many people will assume or know they are gay without being told. 

Whether you're obviously gay or not, once you accept that there is absolutely nothing wrong in being gay, you won't care if people assume, know, or ask if you are. You won't be ashamed and you won't care. That's the great benefit of Gay Pride. 

Another important point is that you've been lucky enough to find a partner. I know a great many gay men with partners and husbands and boyfriends, but I also know a lot who are single and wish they weren't. Many of those single guys have negative feelings because they're lonely, but if you are in a relationship with someone whom you say you love and is wonderful, then what exactly is the problem? You have someone to share your life with. Do you think there's something horrible and inferior and "diseased" about this man you love? I hope not. So why feel that way about yourself?

You have swallowed a lot of society's negative feelings about gay people, and need to get past it. If there's a gay/LGBT center in your city, see if they do counseling; perhaps a gay or gay-friendly therapist could help you feel better about yourself. You not only owe it to yourself to change your negative and frankly outdated attitudes, but to your partner. 

Best of luck!

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Gay or Just Stereotypical?

Dear Bill, I've recently started seeing a guy from my work, let's call him Joe, and I'm having suspicions that he is gay. A few people at work have also thought he was gay including an openly gay man who was surprised when he asked Joe if he was gay to hear that he wasn't and responded by saying he is usually right with his "gaydar." Joe has also admitted to having a good gaydar. In addition to that clue, he also sits with his legs crossed, tries to give me fashion advice when we go shopping (but also complains that I take too long in the store), he was the lead in his high school musicals, he watches dancing shows on tv, he refers to his best friend as his heterosexual life partner (his friend is married to a woman), and when I told him that he and his friend look like a gay couple, he said that a lot of people say that and they've just accepted it. He also says "I'm so gay haha" when he does something gay, such as give me fashion advice, he also is close friends with a gay man who he used to work with. He admits to thinking certain men are attractive, but he says that more about girls; he's been in two long term relationships with women and has no trouble having sex, and is actually constantly horny. I have not asked him about any gay desires or relationships. But I asked him why he thinks people think he is gay and he responded "because I don't care what other people think of me and I'm flamboyant and I sit with my legs crossed." I don't know if I should confront him on a more serious level, because it's all been joking so far, and he is ok with joking about being gay, and I am uncomfortable with looking through his messages. Please give me your opinion, I don't know what to think.

I think you and "Joe" both need to stop stereotyping gay [and straight?] men. I don't know if this guy is gay but it sounds just as likely to me that he's a straight guy who simply rings some gay-stereotype bells, and I personally can't wait until all of society, gay and straight, has gotten past them. I'm a gay man and I never give fashion advice, don't cross my legs in a feminine manner, can't stand those awful dancing shows on TV, and wouldn't have been caught dead being the lead in a musical in high school. Since this is true of many of the gay men of my acquaintance, it is entirely possible that the opposite is also true and this guy really is hetero. You have to remember that not all male fashion designers, musical comedy stars, or even hairdressers are gay; in fact, most aren't. Frankly, Joe doesn't do himself or anyone else [especially gay men] any favors when he goes on about being "so gay" just because he's giving fashion advice and the like. Most gay men couldn't give a shit about ladies or men's fashions. Most of us are just average Joes -- pun intended -- that happen to be gay. Those stereotypical gay men who are effeminate and go on about fashion and divas may seem to be everywhere, but they are only one small portion of the large gay male community.

That being said, "Joe" could still be homosexual [or perhaps bisexual, if you want to get technical, in that he dates/sleeps with women] but only he knows for sure. Check my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay for more advice.

Monday, September 9, 2013

Gay -- or Exhausted?

I'm very concerned and I want an opinion from a professional, instead of my silly girlfriends. We are both in our early twenties. We've been together for  a couple of years. He is a wonderful man, and I love him in a way I can't put in words. He's like the family I've never had. 

Recently, we've had some rough patches. Money is way tight and it's put quite a lot of stress on our relationship. He works long hours and comes home cranky and demoralized. I really try and make home a safe and warm place for him, but it doesn't seem to help. (I wonder if he is depressed.)
 
Our sex life has DIED. I'm still very much enjoying my youth. I want sex every day or at least every other day. He says he is happy with it twice a week, but we can go WEEKS without him touching me intimately. It never really was as freaky or as frequent as I liked it but, I'm at the point where I will take ANYTHING. I'm also very resentful, because he will have me pleasure him and will not return the favor! Selfish! [You can say that again!]

I've tried everything in the book to turn him on like before, but nothing works. What am I doing wrong? It's taken a huge toll on my self-esteem and makes me feel vulnerable to the advances of other men. I've been told by male confidants quite frankly that they will give me what I'm not getting. Sucks. I only want to have relations with my baby.

Also, I am worried he is bisexual/gay. I'm an openly bisexual woman myself (2 on the Kinsey Scale I've recently learned!) and I'd be accepting if he only was honest with himself. Here are a few facts. 

He says he has never had relations with men. His mother thought he was gay for the longest. I introduced him to his prostate, and he loves how it feels. He watches ALOT  of porn. He wants me to buy a strap on. And, he made a strange comment that he was a girl with a penis. I believe he was trying to turn me on. Didn't work. If I wanted to be with a woman I would be, but I'm with a man.... I think [even if he's gay or bi he's still a man].

I'm so hurt. I have a vagina and I want to be with a guy that can appreciate it. I don't want a dick. Pardon, my language. This is very emotional for me. So, are my fears unfounded? Is there a way to communicate without him getting defensive? Is this penis obsession gay or just another part of fluid human sexuality? Is he transgender??

Any help would be a blessing.

Sincerely,
Horny with a Broken Heart
 
"Horny," there are a great many reasons why a guy suddenly loses interest in having sex with his wife or girlfriend. It could be depression or extreme fatigue, he could be having an affair, he could have a low sex drive or even be basically asexual. So let's concentrate on the remarks he made that make you think he might be gay or bisexual: the strap-on, the "girl with a penis"  etc. I can see why these might make you wonder, though in of themselves they're not enough to go on, as I don't know the context and he could have been joking. Why did his mother think he was gay? Are you his first girlfriend [of course he's not all that old].

Some of his remarks might indicate that he's still finding himself when it comes to his sexuality. He might not be able to answer your questions because he doesn't know the answers himself.  Although there's no way I could be certain about this, there is always the possibility that he's a gay man who is nervous about sexual experiences with other men and wants to try certain things with his girlfriend first. If you haven't already, read my post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay. Then consider talking to him about his sexuality. You can start the conversation by asking how he feels about gay people and take it from there. Has he ever had sexual thoughts about men, or had a homosexual encounter? Make sure he's relaxed and lead him into it. The conversation may flow more easily than you imagine. It might turn out that he needs counseling or therapy, whether he's gay or not.

There's also the possibility of the two of you going in for couples therapy or counseling.

In any case, a couple at any age should have and deserve a healthy sex life, and if the main problem turns out to be that he's lost interest in sex [with you and with anyone] then he should get a complete physical exam, and if necessary, a psychological one. 

But take heart. As you yourself suggested, this may be a simple matter of a man who is depressed by money troubles and exhausted by too many hours of work. Given time, it may work itself out. And by all means, insist that he return the favor when you do  engage in sexual activity and not just let you pleasure him. It's the least he can do. 

Best of luck.

De Blasio's Lesbian Wife?

Democratic mayoral candidate Bill de Blasio has a wife, Chirlane McCray, who years ago wrote about being a black lesbian for Essense magazine. She doesn't identity as bisexual who fell in love with a man but says she is a "former" lesbian. Isn't she basically an "ex-gay?" Now de Blasio is running against openly gay Christine Quinn and his wife has made remarks that border on homophobia. Is de Blasio also an ex-gay or closet queen? Is this a case of two homosexuals getting married because they think they'll get farther in politics and life? 

I wouldn't doubt it, as I know such couples exist, but no one aside from the de Blasios can say for certain. 

To all intents and purposes, McCray does come off to me as an "ex-gay," even if she doesn't generally make negative pronouncements against gay people to my knowledge [although I agree that her comments regarding Ms. Quinn were highly questionable and her response to criticism about it as specious as earlier remarks concerning her sexual orientation]. 

Let's take a moment to examine a statement she made regarding her sexuality:

 “I am more than just a label. Why are people so driven to labeling where we fall on the sexual spectrum? Labels put people in boxes, and those boxes are shaped like coffins [!]. Finding the right person can be so hard that often, when a person finally finds someone she or he is comfortable with, she or he just makes it work. As my friend Vanessa says, 'It's not whom you love; it's that you love.'"

This is just the sort of thing used by self-hating homosexuals and closet cases to duck the whole [to them] odious gay issue. McCray doesn't understand that "labeling" yourself as gay is one way of expressing your pride [your lack of shame] in being gay and fighting against the oppression of the closet that has made it that much tougher over the years for gay men and women to finally have all of their rights. If you carefully examine her words you get the impression this is a mixed marriage of companionship and compromise, and hardly a union of genuine honesty and passion. In other words, a friendship that helps each person meet each other's supposed needs. McCray's reference to "boxes shaped like coffins" is also very telling, revealing that her unconscious mind thinks being gay is a dead end. This is in my opinion a woman full of severe self-hated and very negative attitudes about being a lesbian, regardless of how she may have consciously felt years before. Maybe she was very badly hurt by another woman or never met one whom she felt could help her reach her goals.  

People who claim this is a "non-issue," such as Kat Stoffel in a brief piece in New York magazine, are missing the point. In these more enlightened [but hardly totally enlightened] days of gay marriage, the fact is that sham and "mixed" marriages and "former" lesbians, harkening back as they do to feelings of shame and negativity, are very passe and tiresome indeed.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Love and Justice

Years ago I fell in love with a man who basically told me he hated me and wanted me out of his life even though I did nothing wrong but tell him I liked him.  With the horrible way he treated me, I thought his behavior was indicative of a personality disorder. But this past July he and his boyfriend of 4 years got married.  This is a picture; as you can see, they are beautiful. I really thought that the man who treated me so horribly would have been punished somehow.  But as you can see, he has been rewarded immeasurably with a man who is 15 years younger, tall, broad-shouldered with a great smile.  Did I forget to mention he practically supports him.  Anyways, will my heart ever be mended?  Will I ever find justice?  Will the guy on the right ever get karma?

Here are my thoughts on this:

First,  if things haven't worked out, for one reason or another, with someone you hoped might become a significant other, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is checking their Facebook page to see who they wound up with -- or if they wound up with anybody. I'm speaking from experience here. If you happen to be single, looking at photos of the guy you really liked enjoying happy domesticity, vacations, a life together, with someone else practically amounts to an act of masochism. 

However, keep in mind -- as a friend recently reminded me --  that photographs of smiling faces do not always tell the whole story. You do not know if this couple are going to have decades of wedded bliss or if it will all fall apart in a few months [not to be mean, of course, but gay marriages are just as subject to failure and divorce as straight ones].

If it's true that this guy told you he hated you simply because you liked him [and presumably he didn't feel the same], then he does sound like he has some kind of personality disorder, (or is there more to the story) and you are probably well rid of him!  He's that other guy's problem now. And if he's supporting the younger man, how do we even know this is a real love match, or if he may come to regret ever hooking up with the unemployed fellow? [Of course, gay husbands have just as much a right to support their spouses as straight ones do.]

But ultimately none of that is important. Your heart will mend. Forget about this guy, stop checking out their Facebook pages, move on, find love elsewhere, with someone who will treat you with kindness and the right kind of passion. You don't need justice, you need a boyfriend!

In the meantime, it's okay to indulge in a little mean-spiritedness. [For instance: In my case, the guy I liked dumped me for a guy who was ten years younger than me. Is it my fault if I can't help but note that his lover happens to look ten years older, LOL!]

For all you know, the younger lover of the guy you liked may run off with all of his money, leaving him homeless and desperate. I discovered that there's rarely any need to get revenge on anybody; life's problems are revenge enough. Besides, was this guy as terrible to you as you suggest, or was it simply that he just wasn't interested? That doesn't necessarily make him evil, although he may seem that way to you.

It's worth repeating that if he was an evil dickhead, you are well rid of him.