Bear Chaser

I am a gay man and I am also a chaser, I have always been attracted to men in the Bear Community (Bears, Chubs, Otters, etc.). I don't know anyone in the Bear Community so I go to online sources to learn as much as I can about the Community. I read up on Bars and Events that I would really love to go and surround myself with the type of men I like but they always little to no reference to Chasers. I feel discouraged and even though I think I should just go to them anyway I am afraid I would be shunned because I am not someone who would be described as being part of the Bear Community. What should I do?

Go and have a great time. You have to remember that bears aren't always attracted to other bears [at least not exclusively] and chasers are always welcome at bear events. I go to bear bars and events and not only are there all shapes and sizes represented there, but there are always quite a few people who don't fit into the bear community at all. Since bears don't want to be put down for being -- in some cases -- big, chubby or extremely hirsute -- most will not put down or shun men who are smooth-skinned or without facial hair or who may be skinny. Everyone's welcome at a Gathering of Bears! [I am categorized as a hairy otter but I have dated other otters and bears as well as guys who just like bears.]

In other words, you may or may not find a boyfriend but you will probably have a lot of fun. Go to it!

And to meet bears online try bear411 and bearwww. Chasers are welcome at these sites!

Drinking to Deal with Gay Feelings?

Hi Dr. Bill:

I really hope you may have some input into my situation. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read this.

I am 27, he is 41. We met 4 years ago in night school.  I asked him out but we never officially went on a date. We just studied together for a couple of  years. The first time we attempted to have sex, he was drunk and "it" didn't work. He got really angry. We tried again a couple weeks later and same thing. So, in two years we have never had sex. (well maybe once for like a couple seconds before he lost his erection). We now live and are in business together; he is always there for me emotionally and financially but I want to know what I have gotten into so I can figure out my life.

I can walk around naked and he doesn't bat an eye. He never touches me sexually. We hold hands, cuddle, kiss (no tongue). He does not have stereotypical signs that he's gay. I have gone down on him a couple of times (that he let me, he usually says he's tired or pushes me away), and every time he would just lay there and close his eyes. Afterwards, he would say thank you and continue doing whatever it was before (reading, TV, etc.) He has never reciprocated. I can masturbate in bed next to him and it doesn't phase him. He says to do whatever I need to do.

I have asked him if he was gay, and he says no. He said that when we met he wasn't ready for a girlfriend and so I had to give him time. I tell him I want passion and he says he does too and that it will come but we need to do X,Y, Z first. It seems to me that if it isn't there now, it never will be. He always is talking about how old he is. I think he is really depressed but won't talk about it with anyone. He self medicates with alcohol and passes out at bedtime every night. Maybe it is just the depression and drinking that is making him have no sexual drive whatsoever?

I found regular porn on his computer (nothing blatantly gay). I don't think he masturbates... not really sure. He doesn't ever want to shower with me. He pushes me away if I try to make a move. He gets angry if I get upset about the whole no sex thing and yells that he does so much for me and all I care about is getting "fucked". I am not sure he knows the difference b/t fucking and love making although not sure b/c I have no first hand experience with him.

He is a VERY PRIVATE person and doesn't want anyone to know anything about him.

He has a temper and tends to blow up about the stupidest things. He has come to counseling with me and tells the counselor everything is fine. She told me she had pretty good gaydar but has no clue about him.

He cries during movies. He tells me he loves me. He sits in front of his computer all day.... Many more things I am sure, but I'm getting long winded.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated when you get a chance. Thank you! Oh, I just want to say that I am completely ok if he is gay (which I have told him). I would still stay with him, I would just see people on the side and start filing out the adoption paperwork. :)


Okay, first I have to ask, why on earth would you stay with this guy if he's gay? That wouldn't be fair for either one of you. You need a man who can respond to you with full passion and commitment, and if this guy is gay he needs a man. Women who stay with gay boyfriends and husbands in sham relationships are doing neither themselves nor their men any favors. It's not 1950 when some women wrongly believed their gay husbands could "change." And why should they in any case? Staying in business together is one thing, but anything else wouldn't be advisable. If this guy is gay he needs to realize it, accept it, and deal with it, or he'll just keep drinking and be miserable.

That being said, this man's heavy drinking and his impotence could definitely be related, and he may push you away because he's embarrassed by the impotence. Alcohol consumption can certainly lead to "equipment failure." A 41-year-old man is not that old and certainly does not have to be impotent, and this would be the case even if he were twenty or thirty years older. [Impotence is rarely related to age.] His self-consciousness over his impotence may just as likely be his reason for avoiding sex as the possibility that he's gay.

I've caught no blatant red flags in what you've told me. Being sensitive and crying at sad movies does not add up to homosexuality, [As I've said many times, we need to get past stereotypes. There are sensitive and cultured straight men just as there are gay men who are insensitive and uncultured.] As for his counselor and her "gaydar," often that only means that a person doesn't conform to gay stereotypes. Since this is true of the vast majority of gay people, "gaydar" is relatively meaningless.

Some people have a very low sex drive or are even asexual for any number of reasons [depression would certainly be one of them]. There are now people who claim they were born without any sexual desire, and can only have romantic feelings for other people; the jury is still out on this claim and there's been much debate over the subject, but I mention this only as another possibility. 

Heavy drinking can be a sign that someone is deeply unsatisfied with his life and the way things have turned out. Could this guy be struggling with sexual identity? -- possibly, but I'd need a lot more to go on. It could be a mid-life crisis. He also could feel stressed out because you are younger than him. The forties is when people start to feel that they are getting older, and some people don't deal with it as well as others. In any case, getting drunk every day is not normal nor healthy, and can lead to much worse problems than impotence, such as liver and heart troubles. The cause of his drinking, be it bona fide alcoholism or just something he doesn't want to deal with, hence the anesthesia, has to be determined. It could be turmoil over repressed gay feelings or any number of other things. [Is his family liberal, pro-gay, homophobic, deeply religious? Often these are factors in whether a not a person can accept their homosexuality.]

Adding to your frustration is that this doesn't sound like a guy who wants to talk about his feelings, leaving you at sea and emotionally impotent. It's good that you're both going to counseling and perhaps some day a breakthrough will occur.

For now it sounds like you'll have to settle for companionship, which is better than nothing, but, frankly, it's not the real deal, which is what everyone deserves. If there's ever a time when he's more receptive, you might sit him down and start to discuss some of these issues in a non-judgmental way and maybe you'll have a breakthrough.

In the meantime, you might consider that hitching your wagon, so to speak, to a man who starts drinking at four every day and goes to bed blitzed every night, is problematic to say the least. If this keeps up, in five years he will look and act ten to twenty years older than he is or more, and will have developed very serious health issues.

BILL'S MEDIA WATCH: Stormwatch

Stormwatch is a comic book from DC Comics that features two prominent gay characters: blond, super-strong Apollo, and the leather-clad, dangerous, somewhat-psycho Midnighter. These two characters have actually been around for quite awhile, and they originally appeared as a gay couple with an adopted baby daughter in a series called The Authority, first published by Wildstorm [an imprint of DC Comics] in 1999 and written by Warren Ellis. [DC also briefly published a Midnighter series.] When DC decided to reboot its entire line of comics last year from Superman on down, the new Stormwatch book incorporated these two characters, erased their long history with the Authority, but kept them gay and attracted to each other. When I read that an amazon-like heroine was going to come between them in issue 18, I was afraid it would be some kind of cliched nonsense about a gay man and a straight woman fighting over the same allegedly bisexual guy [a la that crappy play Cock], but it was more about the hunky if naive and insecure Apollo's paranoia than anything else -- although how he could believe even for a second that Midnighter could be straight after all the flirting going on between the two is beyond me. Anyway, they share a hot kiss [see scan] at the end of the issue. It will be interesting to see how their romance plays out in the stories ahead. Stormwatch 18 was written by Peter Milligan and very well drawn by Will Conrad. Early issues of the comic have been somewhat confusing, but maybe Milligan will -- pardon me -- straighten it all out -- but not Apollo and Midnighter, please!

Who's the Butcher?

Do bisexual men, I mean men who may at one time have been married and had children, tend to be less stereotypical and more masculine than men who are strictly gay and have never been with women?

First, just because a man has been married [to a woman] had sex with women, or fathered children in the biological way doesn't necessarily make him genuinely bisexual -- but that's for another post.

Most, but certainly not all, gay men do a little experimenting in their younger days, some fooling around with the opposite sex, until they get it on with a guy and realize they've found what they're really looking for, and most have little interest in pursuing heterosexual relationships after that or toying with women's affections. Whether a man is stereotypically gay or not has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of experience he's had with women. I've met very masculine guys who've never had sex with a female, and very effeminate men who not only sleep with both men and women [without necessarily being bisexual] but have gotten married and fathered children. I'll never forget a party I went to one summer when there was a guy swishing around the room proudly showing off his wife and their new baby. If there are macho gay guys there are also effeminate straight guys, but somehow I didn't get the impression this fellow was especially straight.

I discovered over many years that the more you try to pigeonhole and stereotype the members of the gay and related communities, the more your expectations -- if your eyes are really open -- will be confounded.

Gay Porn on the Computer

Hi Bill, I am worrying myself for days since I found some links to a gay porn site on my and my boyfriend's computer. We have been living together for half a year and we are in a relationship for almost five years. I have never noticed he's into men in the past. However, we haven't had sex properly in so long that I don't even remember for how long. I suspected that he is cheating on me with another woman because he is chatting with a lot of girls on his facebook profile. A few days ago I even tried to talk with him about our problem and asked him if he is gay. He replied negatively and said that we both caused the situation we are in and have to work on it in the future. I was afraid to bring up the porn site. Today I saw that he went to that site again and I asked if he was watching it. He smiled at me and said no. I noticed he's visiting that site for a few months and has a username, " ----"  that makes me think he's confused about his sexual orientation. However, every time he visited the gay site he also visited heterosexual sites. I really need some help cause I don't know how to talk to him about that.

Well there are people that will tell you that straight guys have various reasons for looking at gay porn, but the number one reason is that they aren't straight. If he has some legitimate reason for looking at gay porn, why doesn't he discuss it openly with you? I also suspect that what you refer to as a porn site is actually a gay dating site with sexy and naked pictures of men on it. If he has registered on that site and has a user name it is probably because he wants to hook up with guys for sex, the chief purpose of those sites. 

You need to confront him on this issue in a non-accusatory and non-judgmental way. He may be going back and forth from gay and straight sites to try to convince himself he isn't gay, he could be bisexual [or at least thinks he is, but remember that most bi guys have a preference and it generally isn't women], or he's simply attracted to men but has ambivalent feelings about it. Does he come from a liberal background or a conservative one? How does he feel about gay people?

I suggest you tell him that you have a friend who is afraid her boyfriend is gay. This will start a discussion without necessarily focusing on him. Or at least talk about gay marriage, a hot topic, and see what his reaction is. There are men who are secretly homosexual, who seek out male sex partners, but who are so ashamed of it that they become quite homophobic and speak out against gay people in strongly negative terms, and that's usually a red flag. So is looking at gay porn and signing up with gay sex/dating sites. And so is not having any sex with your girlfriend for a long, long time. 

Some men in this position think that they aren't cheating on their wives or girlfriends if their sex partners are male, but of course that isn't the case. You also have to be concerned about whether or not he is using condoms during his possible past or future sex hook ups.

There is a strong possibility that your boyfriend is trying to come to terms with his homosexuality, and may even be struggling to come out or find some way to talk to you about it. You can help if you can get him to open up while being sympathetic.

His coming out will probably mean the end of your relationship, but at least you'll know what's up, and in the long run both of you will be better off for it, although it may not seem that way right now.

Changes A-Comin'

Shortly there will be some changes made to the ASK GAY DR. BILL  blog. The focus will still be on answering questions about gay life, but I will also include occasional think pieces and "Media Watch" posts about gay images on TV, in films, in fiction and in theater, as well as reviews of books of interest. My brother blog, "JATGAB" which I've been doing even longer than this blog, will be incorporated into Ask Gay Dr. Bill, making it much, much easier to keep things updated.

Thanks for reading! There's a lot of good stuff to come.

Gay -- or Commitment Phobic?

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for almost two years.  When we began dating he knew that I had two children, and he was very happy being in their lives. After a year and a half he decided he wanted to move in with me and my children and everything seemed to be fine however, during the last month of our relationship when he got drunk and he and I would have sex he’d ask me to stick my finger in his anus and he would only ask when he was drunk. Because when he was sober he said he was too embarrassed to talk about it. Now his best friend became single and he began hanging out with his best friend and one day he came home to tell me that he was having doubts about him, not me. I asked him if he was confused about his sexuality; he said no. When he left he told me he couldn't see me for a while because if he did he knew he would want to come back home and stay with me. Now him and his best friend are always together and are always hanging out, and they cannot be separated. He has no children and when he left he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted children or a family. So I decided to shut him out completely and when I did he said “I need you in my life, you're more than an ex-girlfriend; If I ever date again which I don’t think I will I believe I will be a lonely old man, I will always need you in my life" and now to make matters worse he feels the need to play a stepfather role in my children’s lives but he never speaks about us getting back together. We email and text a lot and he seems to be hanging on to what I don't know.

Well, to be honest, there's not a lot to go on here when it comes to the question of your ex-boyfriend's sexuality. Yes, most straight men [and a lot of gay men] don't want a finger up their anus, but that isn't a definite indication of homosexuality. Neither is his hanging out with his best friend all the time -- straight guys often do hang out with their buddies, it just depends on exactly what they're doing together ... If you had actually caught him in bed with a guy, looking at gay porn, or something. From what you say he might be a gay man struggling with his sexuality, trying to come to terms with an attraction for men while striving to be "straight" with a woman who is not quite a girlfriend anymore. He obviously feels or needs some connection to you. But it's also a possibility that he cares about you but isn't ready for a full commitment or long-term relationship. In other words, commitment-phobia.

I recognize that you feel as if you're in limbo. You have strong feelings for this man but he's sending all kinds of mixed messages. He wants to keep you as a friend but I suspect it would be too painful and disorienting for you to do the same as far as he is concerned, especially as you want him to be the main man in your life. Sit him down or email him and tell him all this, let out all of your feelings. In a non-judgmental way ask him again about his sexuality. Does he never want to date again or does he never want to date women? If he can't or refuses to give you some satisfactory answers to these questions, I would tell him that your door is closed and move on! Best, Bill

Boyfriend Likes to Look at Naked Men

Hello,
I'm glad I found this blog post. After being with him for two years and knowing him for seven, my boyfriend confessed that he used to look at "naked men" online daily for years. He said that he wanted to stop but it was like an addiction, but he hadn't done it for almost a year and didn't miss it, and felt he needed to tell me and come clean. He cried when he told me and it seemed like he had a lot of guilt about it. I'm not sure what this means and even why he told me. When he told me I was shocked and told him it was ok with me, as long as he didn't do it anymore, but was too surprised to say anything else then. I've been too afraid to ask him more about it and it's been more than a year so I don't know how to bring it up again. I guess I don't care if he's bi as long as he's attracted to me, too! Haha. He has many close girl friends and hardly any guy friends (I'm not sure if this is a factor but it's something I've always wondered about also). He's never been with a guy or a girl, so what if he doesn't even know? 

I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but guys who look at naked men online [unless he's, say, seeing how he stacks up in the penis size department as compared to other men and even then I might wonder -- I mean how many photos do you have to look at?] and have been doing it for years are undoubtedly attracted to men. His crying and his guilt feelings indicate that he is deeply ashamed of it as well. There's nothing wrong in being gay, but there is something wrong in someone being closeted and ashamed in this more enlightened day and age. A person doesn't have to sleep with a man or a woman to pretty much know, even if he or she is in denial, which sex one is attracted to. As for bisexuality, men who identify as bisexual in most cases tend to prefer men but may have relationships with women because of their internalized homophobia [their self-hatred over being attracted to men]. Apparently the two of you have not slept together, perhaps for religious reasons or you're saving yourselves for marriage? A man who may be essentially homosexual is sort of off the hook in this kind of arrangement [although there are plenty of gay men who can successfully sleep with and impregnate women].

It sounds to me as if you've been given a pretty clear warning. A lot of women have boyfriends and even long-term husbands who turn out to be gay without their having any prior knowledge of it, and it's devastating for them when they find out. To know in advance can be a blessing in disguise. It's hard to let go of somebody that you love, but in my opinion "mixed" marriages between homosexual men and heterosexual women are unfair to both parties and only lead to a lot of heartbreak.

Transgender Friend?

Dear Bill:

A strange question: I have a friend whom I've known for about four years. He is a man, but I have a fairly strong idea that he might be transgender. He's a great person and I value the friendship very much, so I don't want to rock the boat, but he has never brought up the subject that he hasn't always been a man.

I wouldn't say it's vital for me to know for sure...I would definitely want him as a friend, regardless. I'm gay but romantic considerations aren't really a factor here...he has a girlfriend and is thinking of marriage. It's just that I'm curious, it seems to be limiting the conversation -- there is an invisible elephant in the room that neither of us is talking about.

Should I just wait for him to bring it up? Clearly, I can't just say, "You're transgender, aren't you?" It would be amazingly awkward, even more so if I'm wrong.

It's understandable that you're curious about this situation but you're right that it would be awkward -- and worse if he's not transgender. If he is a Trans Man he may be thinking or hoping that he completely "passes" so you'd also risk shattering his illusions or confidence. I would wait until he brings it up, which he may eventually do as you grow closer as friends. Does he know that you're gay? If not, coming out would be a start -- you're both members of the LGBT community even if he isn't gay apparently. Have you met the woman he's going to marry? She may turn out to be transgender as well, which would be another sign. Not that all transgender people pair up with other Trans Men or Women, but it does happen, especially if they want a partner who will understand them and be non-judgmental.

Just hope that some day he'll take you into his confidence.

A "Gay" Kiss at 13?

Hi Bill. Okay, so I've been in a serious relationship for a year. When I first met him, I never suspected he'd be gay or of that type. He was a huge flirt towards women. We were both bartenders and saw all the attention he would receive. I wasn't interested at first because I knew the type of guy he was. But I still went for it. We started getting very serious, even moved in together. One day, we were having a conversation about the craziest things we've done and he mentioned to me that when he was 13 he kissed another boy. He said it was because they each had a girl crush, and the two girls dared them to kiss each other in order to able to sleep with them, so they did it, and later scored with the girl. He then told me that later on he found out that it was all a trick because the guy who he kissed WAS gay and liked him. He was upset about it and broke contact with all of them. I felt a little weirded out about it, but took it for what it was. Ever since then, I've been extremely paranoid. I feel very alert about anything he does. I've occasionally seen him glance at other men, like at the beach etc. I've confronted him once and asked "are you gay" and he said "no, I am not gay. I did that with the guy so I could sleep with the girl." Months later, we were having sex when I insisted on talking dirty to each other. Then out of no where he says "let me put it in the ass". I completely stopped and pushed him off of me and began saying "I knew it." A huge fight burst out after that. What caught me off guard was that we had never talked about anal sex. He said his coworker had been talking about them having anal with their girlfriends ans insisted that he should try it with me. We were able to get past that but I still carry this huge paranoia and it isn't fair to neither of us. We do love each other, but I don't think I'll ever feel at ease. What should I do? 

Two points to consider: A.) Giving a guy a quick kiss when he's 13 on a dare does not necessarily make a man gay. Believe me, I can be pretty suspicious, but this doesn't raise any red flags for me. It's the type of silly thing that could easily happen. I think you were, for whatever reason, so freaked out about it that you're interpreting his every action as being, somehow, "gay."

B.) It isn't only gay men who are into anal intercourse. Your boyfriend may be the experimental type who likes to try different sexual positions.That doesn't necessarily add up to homosexuality. Of course you don't have to engage in any sexual activity you don't feel comfortable with, but don't be so uptight that you perceive anything non-missionary as being "perverse." Whether a man is or isn't into things you might consider "kinky" generally has little to do with sexual orientation.

Can I swear to you that your boyfriend isn't attracted to men? No, I can't, but I'd need much more positive evidence before I could tell you that the man in your life is definitely gay.