Bears vs. Chubbies

Is there a distinction between bears and chubbies or chubby chasers?

Yes, a bear is a gay man with facial and body hair. The stereotypical bear is a big man -- not necessarily fat -- but a large, bear-like furry guy. However, the bear community has expanded into different kinds of bears. Bear cubs are younger men, daddy bears are older men (generally seniors), chubby bears are portly guys, and muscle bears are hairy guys with big arms and chests. Otters are bears who are more slender than the average bear; wolves are skinny guys with hair.

It often seems that the chubby chaser movement has completely overtaken the bear movement. Bears were never just supposed to be "fat guys," but people often -- wrongly -- see bears as men who are quite obese or even morbidly obese. These, of course, are chubby bears, not regular bears. (And let's face it, most muscle bears are really chubby bears, their bellies being a much more distinctive feature than the size of their arms.)

When it comes to bears I think a hairy body (as well as a beard or goatee) matters much more than the size of the belly.

Bear Chaser

I am a gay man and I am also a chaser, I have always been attracted to men in the Bear Community (Bears, Chubs, Otters, etc.). I don't know anyone in the Bear Community so I go to online sources to learn as much as I can about the Community. I read up on Bars and Events that I would really love to go and surround myself with the type of men I like but they always little to no reference to Chasers. I feel discouraged and even though I think I should just go to them anyway I am afraid I would be shunned because I am not someone who would be described as being part of the Bear Community. What should I do?

Go and have a great time. You have to remember that bears aren't always attracted to other bears [at least not exclusively] and chasers are always welcome at bear events. I go to bear bars and events and not only are there all shapes and sizes represented there, but there are always quite a few people who don't fit into the bear community at all. Since bears don't want to be put down for being -- in some cases -- big, chubby or extremely hirsute -- most will not put down or shun men who are smooth-skinned or without facial hair or who may be skinny. Everyone's welcome at a Gathering of Bears! [I am categorized as a hairy otter but I have dated other otters and bears as well as guys who just like bears.]

In other words, you may or may not find a boyfriend but you will probably have a lot of fun. Go to it!

And to meet bears online try bear411 and bearwww. Chasers are welcome at these sites!

Skinnyfat: The Movie and Thoughts About Body Image

Skinnyfat is the name of a funny movie about two [somewhat stereotypical] gay men who hate their bodies and are determined to do something about it, going to bizarre lengths to look better, including wearing fake physique pads over their chests and trying various outre regimens and formulas. Davy (Evan Johnson) and Chaz (Jayson Jaynes) have a condition known as "skinnyfat" [I assume the term was invented for this movie] in which essentially thin people feel that they're "fat" (or might as well be) because they're soft in the middle, have no muscle tone, lack a hard, athletic body, and so on. The movie was written, produced and directed by Andy Bydalek.

For me the funny thing about Skinnyfat is that it comes to us at a time when many gay men are scratching their heads at what at least seems like the vast amount of chubby chasers and obese guys in our community. True, this is probably more of a phenomenon in the middle-aged bear community than among twenty-somethings or in piano bars [or among guys like Davy or Chazz, whom I know exist but whom I encounter not very often]. Without putting anyone down, I have to confess that I find nothing at all sexy about obesity [I often say "I don't like my own fat (which there's much less of these days, thank goodness) let alone anyone else's."] When did the bear community become the unhealthy fat community? It's reached the point where the dominant image of a bear is not just a big man, but a very obese man, when that sort of individual used to be called a "chubby bear." As an acquaintance of mine once put it none too tactfully "since when does 'bear' mean 'lard-butt?'"

Let me digress. One night at my local bar as I sat talking with/cruising an interested and interesting fellow, a portly acquaintance comes over to us, lifts up his shirt, thrusts his fat, highly unattractive belly into the other man's face, and shouts "This is what's hot!" [Neither I nor the other man were impressed.] Hot? Not.

On another occasion a bunch of overweight men at the same bar strip down to their big bellies and begin rubbing each other all over as if excessive avoirdupois were the new aphrodisiac! Not.

On an even funnier occasion, a man with a belly so big that I privately refer to him as "octobear" -- he looks as if he'll give birth to octuplets any minute -- has his belly patted by a slender fellow as if the latter is the proud papa and this mama bear is about to give birth to their little ones any minute. I have to ask, since when did looking pregnant become desirable or sexy?  Guys who look at if they're nine months pregnant used to be embarrassed by their appearance-- now they pull off their tee shirts and flaunt it, baby! How can a man look pregnant and masculine at the same time? [With great difficulty I imagine.]

However, the gay male community is very diverse, and I'm glad there's someone interested in every type. [Such as bald middle-aged men with goatees! And I don't want any nasty emails about how I'm being mean to big guys or how I wouldn't like it if someone put down bald men and so on; we can all take care of ourselves, baby.] But I do wish these big-bellied fellows would get over themselves and stop strutting around as if everybody thinks they're hot. I would sooner have root canal surgery without anesthetic than get it on with Octobear, but I'm sure because some people want to worship his belly and wallow in his fat he thinks he is God's Gift to Gay Men. I'm happy they have their admirers, but all these Blubber-pusses need to get over it!

As for Skinnyfat, without giving too much away, the two protagonists eventually wind up at -- you guessed it -- a bear party where they discover that being big and fat is not always a negative.

As for me, I've recently lost ten pounds and am proud of it, but I'm not going to strut around showing off my flat stomach -- what good would it do me in a chubby chasing crowd anyway? Still, I like non-chubby guys and some of them seem to like me. I am now officially an otter and not a bear, and considering what "bear" has become that's all right with me. Unfortunately, if I lose any more weight I'm afraid that I, too, will become "skinnyfat" and so far I've never heard of a skinnyfat bear [or otter]. Maybe I'll be the first.

 For more info on Skinnyfat check out skinnyfatmovie.com and/or their Facebook page:: (facebook.com/skinnyfatmovie).  The film can be rented on either site.

"No Fats, No Femmes"

I was in a couple of gay bars the other night and saw a few guys flocking around these obese, effeminate men as if they were hot porn stars. Whatever happened to "no fats, no femmes" that you used to see -- have gay standards changed so much that a swishy guy who avoids the gym and takes absolutely no care of himself has suddenly become a sex symbol? I just don't get it.

You're not alone. But remember -- there's no accounting for taste except that everyone has his own "type." There have always been "chubby chasers" in the gay community and if there seem to be more of them than ever, it may be because the guys they like are feeling freer to go out and cruise now that there are places, such as bear bars, where they can feel comfortable and meet people who like them. Obese men used to avoid the typical gay bar or "meat market" because they feared no one would be interested, but the more accepting bear community -- where you can be older, fatter, balder, and not handsome and still find your share of admirers -- has changed the equation; you won't often find "big" guys cruising in "regular" gay bars.

The strange thing is that most "big and fat" guys tend to be admired because of their masculinity. Feminine chubby guys are even more of an acquired taste. There are men who don't focus on the total package, but simply have a fat fetish -- therefore it doesn't matter if the guy is masculine or not, or what he looks like as long as he has lots of excessive avoirdupois!

On one hand, it's good that all kinds of men who don't fit neatly into conventional standards of handsomeness can still have fun and feel attractive. On the other hand, as I've said before, there's a danger in making obese men, especially morbidly obese men, sex symbols. I'm well aware that the bear lifestyle has its good points, but perhaps in its gleeful disregard of taking care of yourself, it isn't doing a lot of gay guys much of a favor.

Guy Only Wants Older Guys

Hey Dr. Bill, 

I’m 23 years old and I’m coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome 40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak.  What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!

Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.

Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.

Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.

First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.

Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.

Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.

None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.

Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]

So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!

Blubber Belongs on Whales Not Men

Dr. Bill, I notice more and more in gay bars that many of the patrons are, frankly, enormous, but what's worse is that these guys often seem to attract much better-looking men. I have never been a chubby chaser, but we're not even talking about overweight guys or guys with pot bellies, but fucking ENORMOUS lard-butts. There seem to be so many of them and they seem to have their admirers. But why? What on earth is sexy about fat? Can you enlighten me on this? I just don't get it.
Now this is a timely question! First let me say that I don't think there's anything remotely sexy about fat, and I am just as baffled by the proliferation of "lard-butts" and even more so of the guys who like them, as you are. For the record these morbidly obese men are now called "manatees" after the huge, ungainly fish that resemble underwater elephants. I really can't understand what people find appealing about them.

I don't mean to be cruel, mind you. But programs like The Biggest Loser have shown that even the most corpulent person can still lose weight if they have sufficient motivation and the will to do so. Obesity is preventable. You can talk all you want about hormones and big bones and all the rest, the fact is that the vast majority of manatees stuff their faces with anything they can get their hands on and the only exercise they get is when the TV remote falls on the floor and they have to bend over to pick it up.

Do I sound unsympathetic? It's because I am. I may need to lose a couple of pounds, but I have managed to stay in reasonably good shape for several years after dropping about forty pounds. Anyone can watch their diet and get some exercise. It's tougher for some than others -- you have to factor in not just weight, but age, metabolism, general health etc. etc -- but it's never impossible.

As for the attraction? I believe most of the guys who like manatees are insecure and have a need to be with someone who is much less attractive (to most people) than they are. They are dealing with self-esteem issues. For some people, fat is a fetish that makes as little sense as most fetishes do. They are just turned on by excessive avoirdupois and that's that. The rest of us are utterly repulsed, of course, scratching our heads when we see an attractive (to us) man on a date or -- gross! -- making out with a manatee.Then there are those highly neurotic individuals [regardless of sex or sexual orientation] who can't deal with life and subconsciously want to get back inside mommy's womb where they feel safe. Being surrounded by all that blubber (not to mention the humungous man boobs most manatees possess) creates a similar feeling of well-being [in sharp contrast to the revulsion most of us would feel].

The trouble with manatees is that they are not healthy individuals. Yes, it may be true that being thin doesn't always mean that you're healthy, but weighing 290 pounds or more can never be healthy. The strain on the heart, high blood pressure, and so on, makes these guys walking time bombs. They don't have healthy diets. If their admirers, boyfriends, lovers etc. really cared about them, they would do just about anything to get them to lose weight!

[I briefly dated a guy who suggested I put on at least 20 pounds. That was not going to happen, no matter how cute he was. He disappeared, and I imagine he is now happily partnered with a behemoth. Better him than me. As one friend said, if he really cared about you he wouldn't have wanted you to become obese.]

Manatees are an outgrowth of the bear movement; they are especially large chubby bears [at least if they're hairy]. But while many bears can have a solidity to them, a paunchy football player appeal, manatees tend to be roly poly or sloppy fat, are often smooth-skinned, and frequently effeminate to boot. Stereotypical Big Fat Bears also have an unhealthy lifestyle.

Another thing to keep in mind is that most gay men are not attracted to manatees. You can find them and their admirers in certain bars, but not in most of them. So there is hope for those of us who don't break the scale during our weekly weigh-in.

But it just goes to show that in the diverse gay male community, there truly is someone for everyone.

Years ago I attended a party at a group for chubbies and chasers called Girth and Mirth with a portly friend. [This was before I'd put on weight myself.] I felt a little bad that the really fat guys were completely ignored while everyone chased the thin men. Now the tide seems to have turned a little -- at least for a time. But trends tend to peter out, and I suspect it won't be long before this whole fat thing will become tiresome for all but a few, and getting in shape will once more become the thing to do.

Lastly, is being attracted to hairy men a fetish? No doubt it is for some guys, but more often it simply signifies an attraction to masculinity; a hairy chest is more masculine than a smooth one. Ironically not all hairy men are masculine and not all smooth men are queens. 

Unhealthy Bears?

I realize that the point of the bear movement is to recognize that men who may not be conventionally attractive can still have appeal to many. But doesn't the bear movement also encourage an unhealthy lifestyle? I see all these very fat guys and can't imagine that being so overweight is good for them. What do you think?

I think you have a point. Of course we have to remember that there are out of shape people who live till 90 and 45-year-olds who stay fit and trim yet still drop dead of a heart attack on the tennis court. So much of it has to do with genes and other aspects of one's lifestyle.

The stereotypical bear is basically a big, jolly, fat guy [without getting into Santa Claus]. But there are many types of bears -- muscle bears, bear cubs, otters [thinner bears -- my classification but I have to watch the calories to stay within it], and so on. A bear is simply a gay guy with hair on his face and body. Many bears do go to the gym.

But I do think the -- for lack of a better word -- obsession some men have over very large men has its downside. As men grow older it is still important to stay in shape. If a fat bear loses weight he may lose some admirers -- the chubby chasers, for instance -- but hopefully he will gain a whole lot more.

Muscle Bears or Chubby Bears?

I got into an argument with some friends over this but I'm getting a little tired with all the inaccurate classifications in the so-called "bear" community. I see guys who are obviously over 50 calling themselves bear cubs, which is supposed to be a young man. My biggest complaint, however, is with the so-called "muscle" bears. I mean, I like muscular guys, but I like muscle not fat, and most of these guys who refer themselves as muscle bears have fat bellies to go with the big arms and chests. In that case, shouldn't they call themselves chubby bears?

LOL, there's often a big difference in the way we see ourselves and the way the world sees us. Understandably a muscular guy -- even one who's [for lack of a better term] gone to fat -- would rather think of himself as a muscle bear than a chubby bear. If their pictures don't reveal all, you can hope they're honest in their vital statistics. I mean, a guy who says he's five feet four and weights 190 lbs is gonna be a big fellow in the waist area no matter how he classifies himself. You also have to remember that some guys are simply attracted to big muscles and don't care if a big stomach is attached. On the other hand, when you think of a muscular man you don't exactly think of a big stomach or of someone who's obese.

Perhaps there should be some new classifications. In addition to musclebear and chubbybear guys can opt for musclechubbybear and leave it at that!

As for those middle-aged guys who call themselves cubs -- and I've come across a lot of them myself -- let's just say they're referring to their state of mind and not to their particular chronology.

Sexy But Gross

I keep myself in shape, exercise, go to the gym, keep what I think is a nice appearance, don't smell or look like I do, practice good personal and dental hygiene, and have been told I am attractive. Yet when I go to a bar I see men that I find attractive dragging home guys who look like something I might find under my sink -- if I didn't ever clean it that is. I know there's a "bear" movement, but aren't things getting out of hand? And since when did obesity and grossness become sexy? I swear it's not that I'm into pretty boys or think that everyone has to have a handsome face, but have utterly repulsive people become sex objects in the gay male community?

Oh, boy! This is one question I'm going to answer verrrry carefully.

First of all, I wouldn't say that "utterly repulsive people" -- or at least people you find utterly repulsive -- have become sex objects in the gay male community. Rather it's that the boundaries of what's attractive have been stretched quite a bit. It used to be that the only gay men who were [generally] considered attractive, were young, pretty, very slender, with posh apartments, expensive aftershave, manicured nails and not a hair out of place. But this was back in the days when the dominant image of a gay male was a swishy "hairdresser" stereotype. We've come a long way since then, baby! [Although to some people, gay and straight, that's still the dominant gay male image unfortunately.]

The reality is that there are hundreds of thousands of gay men who don't fit into the young, pretty, slenderella stereotype and yet are considered "hot" by many other men. I may not get the appeal of "fat," but there are guys who don't get why some fellows are crazy about my -- and others' -- shaved heads. Some like tattoos, and some find them gross. Hairy bodies versus smooth. Facial hair or none. And so on and so on. As I've often said, there's no accounting for taste.

Still, I do admit that sometimes it seems the envelope is being bent way out of shape. I've heard guys on the way home from the gym wondering why they torture themselves to stay physically fit when so many utterly out of shape guys have their admirers. Some of this has to do with a certain masculine image that goes with a pot belly and hairy chest. [But then how do you explain the attraction of effeminate bears, who do exist?]

Don't know how old you are, but I for one am quite happy that men can still be considered sexy in middle-age and afterward, right?

As for the whole "bear" thing, I'll save that for another post.

In the meantime, I still recommend that you stay in shape, practice good personal hygiene, and all the rest. Ultimately -- and I guess I'm being politically incorrect here, not that I give a damn -- an "attractive," fit-looking man will make out better than a "slovenly" one in most instances.

Trendsetter?

Ok, Dr Bill, this is an admittedly loaded question and maybe a little off-topic but I believe you are a very fashionable trendsetter. What I'm asking is: have you noticed that, in "From Paris with Love," John Travolta has completely stolen your look? What do you make of that?

Well, I think Travolta [pictured] has never looked better! [For the record, I started shaving my head completely after the photos for this blog were taken]. But the last thing I am is a "fashionable trendsetter," although I appreciate the compliment.

I love the "cueball" look. [Although one fellow somewhat grumpily told me that the term cueball can only be used for guys with smooth faces, not mustaches, beards, or goatees. I don't care. I still call this the "cueball" look.]

What I find bizarre is that this look is now being affected even by guys who aren't losing, or haven't lost, their hair. I see cueballs in their twenties, for crying out loud! Why shave your head when you've got a full head of hair? Although, like I say, I do admire a shaved head!

Now the question is -- is this a "gay" look or not? The shaved head became popular with Yul Brynner, or at least he was the first celebrity to sport one. Brynner, to my knowledge, was not gay, however. Did gay men take up the banner for this look first, or was it just edgier guys, gay and straight?

Opinions, anyone?

Hairy He-Men Homosexuals

I know there are lipstick lesbians, but are there also he-man hairy-chested homosexual men? Anon.

Yes! Many, many more than anyone imagines.

If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times -- repeat after me -- the gay community is very diverse.

Macho Gay Men abound, but hopefully most of them are "macho" in demeanor and not in mentality, although even in the gay male community we have our cave men -- for better or worse.

Dating Sites for Big Guys

Dr. Bill, I am a larger guy. I am also very honest and do not want to hide things. I have decided to be upfront in my profile about my body size. This is usually one of the first things we discuss if we talk over the phone. Should I change this? I believe this is one thing that will come out especially if we meet. If my body size is going to be a deal breaker I feel this should be shared up front. I am very discouraged and feel like giving up. I have tried several dating sites with no luck. If you know of any sites that cater to older (59) men who are large I certainly would appreciate your help. Thanks.

Never give up! I have to say right off the bat that I am always seeing large guys -- be they a bit [or a lot] chubby or simply big and tall men -- being cruised in bars [especially bear bars], so I know there are plenty of admirers for larger men. And yes, even older larger men.

Be upfront about your size on any web sites. Some guys are positively turned on by large men. I used to be a lot heavier than I am now and I was always amazed at the guys who seemed to be turned on by my sheer bulk or by my belly. [When I lost weight I used to joke that I'll lose all my boyfriends, but luckily that didn't happen. There's someone for every size!]

If you lie and say that you're thin or small or what-have-you, the truth will come out when you meet face to face, so what's the point? As I say, I believe there are enough men who are into big guys of any age that there will hopefully be men who are interested.

Check your profile and see if there are any other things that might be a problem. While honesty is always the best policy, you don't have to tell them everything!

I find that big men are much admired in the bear community. Even if you're not a hairy, bearded bear type, you can still find admirers. [If hairy guys are a turn-off to you, I can also tell you that many bear sites also have smooth-skinned men on them].

You might have tried some of these sites already:

BiggerCity, the web site for gay chubby men and their admirers. And there are similar sites if you google.

Silver Daddies for older men and the men who admire them. Recommended. Lots of older guys, big guys, chubby guys etc. Something for every taste.

Bearwww.com for bears and bear admirers of all ages, types and sizes.

Bear411 Ditto. As I say, big men are appreciated in bear culture.

Good Luck!

Do Bears Predominate?

Is bear culture taking over the whole gay community? Why do gay men feel they have to butch it up all the time? Anon.

Uh, many gay guys just happen to be "butch" (very masculine -- or at least not effeminate); some are not. Most -- like straight men -- are somewhere in between.

No gay man who isn't butch should feel a need to "butch it up" if he doesn't want to. Everyone should feel free to be themselves. It's all about accepting yourself for who or what you are. You don't have to be butch or ultra-masculine to be happy.

Some men feel a need to come on strong, macho, when they enter a bar that has a decidedly masculine atmosphere. Some guys overdo it. They may already be butch enough, so they think that being rude, stepping on people's feet, and acting like a jerk, makes them more macho. Straight guys do this, too. Gay or straight, a jerk is a jerk.

As for bear culture taking over, I think it's really that -- in some places, at least -- people are beginning to realize that there's more to the gay male community than the proverbial "limp-wristed hairdresser." [Hell, there's more to the hairdresser's community.] You might think that in this day and age everyone is more sophisticated about the diversity of our community, but you'd be surprised how many supposedly hip people (including some gays) still think in terms of stereotypes.

[Just the other night a man in a gay bar said to two other customers. "I'm not into sports. Gay men are not into sports." The two other men vigorously disagreed, as both were baseball fans.]

Gay men, like all men, are into whatever the hell they want to be. [I admit that it's a distinct possibility that gay men in general feel freer to explore options -- art and culture, for instance -- that some straight men may cut themselves off from out of their own fears and insecurities. But let me make it clear that there are many hetero men who are not ashamed to be seen at the ballet or opera -- good for them! -- and some gay men who wouldn't be caught dead in such venues. Too bad!]

The emergence of bear culture means that the definition of attractiveness has been expanded to include men that the more stereotypical gay males supposedly eschew: hairy guys, chubby guys, guys who don't dress in color-coordinated outfits or designer clothing. People are learning that there's more to the gay male community than willowy young queens [not to put those guys down].

Don't look at this as a bad thing. People need to learn that gay men come in all shapes, sizes, and attitudes. We are literally everywhere!

Bear culture will not supplant or destroy non-bear gay culture. It will compliment it.

Butch or femme, feel free to be yourself. And recognize that everyone has a special niche in the gay community.

And that we're all gay brothers.

What a Drag!

I am a masculine gay man in my thirties and I can't understand why there seems to be this incredible preoccupation with drag, or at least this perception that all or most gay men are into wearing dresses. I've never had the slightest desire to dress up as a woman and neither do any of my gay male friends. Why does this stereotype persist? A character came out on a TV show and his mother started asking his dress size! Perplexed.

Some time ago an actor on a soap opera was giving an interview. He had just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He said: "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses."

Huh?

Yes, you would think that this tiresome confusion of homosexuality with transvestism -- or of equating gay men with women -- would have gone out the window long ago. I don't think most gay men are preoccupied with or have any interest in drag, but the media makes it seem otherwise. As for TV shows, we've got stupid writers who can't come up with anything original. We all know that there are "queens"-- in and out of drag -- in our community, and I'm certainly not suggesting they should be put down in any way, shape or form. Our world would certainly be a little bit duller without them. But the whole world already knows that there are femmes in the gay male community. It's time we saw more portrayals of gay men as most of us are: non-stereotypical -- not to mention the bears, leather hunks, super-butch types and all the rest. It's gotten to a point where if you see a bear-like or just masculine gay guy in a movie it's considered a big joke-- how could somebody like that be gay?

Drag queens seem to be a disproportionate part of the gay community because whenever there's a march, parade or event, the cameras instantly capture the more colorful members of the community -- which includes drag queens. This has in part created a feeling among people that there are many more drag queens than there really are, and that drag is an inherent part of every gay man's life, while nothing could be further from the truth. Hopefully TV people and filmmakers will eventually explore the gay world in all of its diversity.

But I'm not holding my breath.

Big Sexy Fat Guys

While I'm glad that bear culture has shown that a man doesn't have to be a young, perfect "pretty boy" to be attractive, there seems to be a downside, and that's all the -- what else can I call them but "big fat guys" who strut around as if they think they're God's gift to gay men. What's up with that? I'm not saying these guys don't have their admirers, but if I think it's obnoxious for handsome young hunks with great bodies to act all haughty and full of attitude, you can imagine how I feel about middle-aged guys built like friggin' refrigerators with bellies out to here and faces only a mother could love acting like they're the hottest things on the planet. And I seem to see more and more of these obnoxious fellows. What do you think? Bob.

Okay. I'm gonna tread carefully here. Yes, I have noticed just what you're talking about, and yes it's funny that it's happening in the bear scene because the whole point of the bear scene is "no attitude."

Bear culture has empowered some men who would in general not be considered conventionally attractive (or who are unattractive even by bear standards perhaps) to feel sexy, and yes they have their admirers. Let's make it clear that not every classic bear is "big fat and obnoxious" -- many are solid, beefy, handsome (both in the traditional and non-traditional sense) men who are not rude slobs but friendly and attractive fellows.

The guys you're talking about and who I've observed are not chubby bears, either, who tend to be cuddly, warm, and attitude free. In some ways they're a separate species. Maybe what we and others have observed is a chip-on-the-shoulder attitude because outside the bear bar some of these guys don't get a second look -- the attitude may come from years of people being unkind and haughty to them. So they're defensive. And if you've felt ugly all your life and suddenly you discover a culture where your "flaws" -- such as a big belly and a lack of comeliness -- can be virtues, then it's understandable why some of these guys walk around as if they think they're super-hot and madly f--kable. Because some people see them that way. Not you or me, perhaps. But some people. And I'm all for every one finding the right flavor of ice cream. There is truly no accounting for taste.

So I try to be understanding and sympathetic of these fellows (after all I ain't exactly Brad Pitt myself, although Pitt isn't my type anyway), although I have to confess that when some of these guys brush past me with their 300 pound bulk and don't give a shit if they knock my drink out of my hand or step on my foot or act like I'm not even in the room, I'd like to give a Big Fat Guy a big fat kick in the ass!

In other words, sometimes a jerk is just a jerk.

About Gay Bears

What the hell is a 'bear" anyway? I've heard they're part of the gay community but I have no idea what they are or where you find one? Curious in Newport.

A bear is a member of the gay male community who tends to be non-stereotypical in most ways, an average Joe who happens to be gay. At first the bear community consisted only of working class men who seemed to fit a certain type: large, macho, hairy, bear-like men with big beards and bellies. Today there are different classifications of bears, although every bear should have some facial hair and most are masculine. Otters and wolves are slender versions of bears, while cubs are younger bears. Chubbybears are portly men and musclebears are guys with big muscles and well-developed pectorals. Bears are also classified as to the amount of body hair they possess. A very hairy guy is known as a furrybear.

Bears hang out wherever they want but they congregate in certain "bear bars" that cater to bears, as well as in social groups such as Metrobears in New York. There are also bear meets and conventions and even beauty pageants, done tongue-in-cheek of course. Some of the more traditional bears look askew at things like beauty pageants. Bears are probably the largest sub-grouping of the gay male community. There are many, many more bears than there are drag queens for instance. It may not seem that way to some, but that's because bears just look like "average" guys.

In general the bear community is very friendly and down-to-earth with no attitude. Among bears, it isn't about how young, pretty or slim you are. Bears offer an alternative to the attitude that the only attractive men are twentysomething willowy thin guys with hairless skin and pretty faces.

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