Are gay men more prone to alcoholism, especially as they age?
Here we have another issue that depends greatly on the individual. First there is a difference between actual "alcoholism" -- an honest-to-goodness addiction to alcohol -- and heavy drinking that may be caused by, in part, [temporary] problems in a person's life. This remains true regardless of the sex of the individual or their sexual orientation.
It has always been true that some people turn to alcohol in times of great stress, as the "buzz" or more that they get from drinking can help them temporarily forget their problems and feel good for a time. This should not necessarily be confused with true alcoholism, an insidious and progressive disease that has nothing to do with an individual's problems or the stress in their life, although it may be exacerbated by same.
A lot has been written about the aging gay man, who is alone (especially if a partner has died), and who may be afraid he is losing his attractiveness and the ability to attract a partner for sex and romance. I dare say this has more to do with growing older than it has to do with being gay. Straight men also suffer the same insecurities, the fear of loss of virility and the ability to attract women, as they grow older. Some men age well; some men do not. How a man deals with getting older often depends on other factors in his life such as his health, financial stability, number of friends and so on, none of which have much to do with sexual orientation.
Because of the isolation that some older gay men feel [and undoubtedly straight men as well, particularly if they are divorced, single or widowers] there are those who insist that aging gay men are more prone to alcoholism, but the truth is much more complex.
There are those in the gay community, as well as the straight, who turn to alcohol for solace (which, as noted, is not the same as genuine alcoholism) and those who don't. There is no indication that there are more alcoholics in the gay male community than in any other segment of the population.
Showing posts with label mature gay men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mature gay men. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Gay Men and Aging
I am a gay man in my forties and I have some friends my age and younger -- and sometimes older -- who are frequently making disparaging remarks about mature gay men, especially seniors and the elderly. Some of this is good-natured and not to be taken seriously, but sometimes the remarks are nasty and hateful. I worry about getting older, like most people do, I believe, but the last thing I want to do is make things worse for older gay men by putting them down, just as I don't want to be put down simply for getting older, which no one can help. Any thoughts on this? Do you think the gay community is more ageist than the straight world?
Definitely not. Age discrimination is part of American culture [and no doubt other countries as well] and sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. No one enjoys getting older, not just because of that very real discrimination but because of health issues that sometimes crop up with increasing age, not to mention the sense of time running out that many older people feel. Different people handle getting older differently, and some can't handle it at all. How we deal with aging has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, and how our lives are going as we mature. An aging person -- gay or otherwise -- who has financial security, enjoys their work, and is in a stable, loving relationship will find it easier to deal with getting older than someone who has none of those things. Someone who has achieved most or all of their life goals may find aging easier than someone whose dreams did not come true and sadly realizes that they probably never will. Yet even those people in the latter categories can still find different kinds of fulfillment as they grow older.
It's also true that people who have negative, nasty attitudes toward older people may find it that much tougher to get older themselves. Age discrimination can be caused by thoughtlessness, or it can be the product of a stupid or superficial mentality.
As for gay men and aging, the myth is that gay men all want to run and kill themselves when they hit forty or fifty, but judging from the very large mature gay male population I would say most gay men don't see that as a viable option. Nowadays people live and stay healthier longer, and enjoy active sex lives well into their seventies or even older. Straight men do not enjoy getting older and being viewed as "over the hill" or as "old-timers" any more than gay men do. And the male ego -- gay or straight -- always worries about sexual potency. For the record, most aging gay men won't need viagra.
Try not to worry too much about getting older. You probably have many, many wonderful years ahead. I know many men in their fifties, sixties and seventies and older who are still enjoying life, still getting out and about, still cruising, and still having very satisfying sex lives and romances, even if they don't have partners or perfect lives.
Definitely not. Age discrimination is part of American culture [and no doubt other countries as well] and sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. No one enjoys getting older, not just because of that very real discrimination but because of health issues that sometimes crop up with increasing age, not to mention the sense of time running out that many older people feel. Different people handle getting older differently, and some can't handle it at all. How we deal with aging has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, and how our lives are going as we mature. An aging person -- gay or otherwise -- who has financial security, enjoys their work, and is in a stable, loving relationship will find it easier to deal with getting older than someone who has none of those things. Someone who has achieved most or all of their life goals may find aging easier than someone whose dreams did not come true and sadly realizes that they probably never will. Yet even those people in the latter categories can still find different kinds of fulfillment as they grow older.
It's also true that people who have negative, nasty attitudes toward older people may find it that much tougher to get older themselves. Age discrimination can be caused by thoughtlessness, or it can be the product of a stupid or superficial mentality.
As for gay men and aging, the myth is that gay men all want to run and kill themselves when they hit forty or fifty, but judging from the very large mature gay male population I would say most gay men don't see that as a viable option. Nowadays people live and stay healthier longer, and enjoy active sex lives well into their seventies or even older. Straight men do not enjoy getting older and being viewed as "over the hill" or as "old-timers" any more than gay men do. And the male ego -- gay or straight -- always worries about sexual potency. For the record, most aging gay men won't need viagra.
Try not to worry too much about getting older. You probably have many, many wonderful years ahead. I know many men in their fifties, sixties and seventies and older who are still enjoying life, still getting out and about, still cruising, and still having very satisfying sex lives and romances, even if they don't have partners or perfect lives.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Guy Only Wants Older Guys
Hey Dr. Bill,
I’m 23 years old and I’m
coming to realize that I find men physically attractive, but ONLY older
guys. It’s not the age that attracts me, but the masculine
characteristics that come with age. For example, I’ve always been
obsessed with facial hair, body hair, and male hair loss. A handsome
40-year-old man who is losing his hair, has a thick beard, and is
covered in body hair is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
I am a very masculine-acting individual, and no one would guess that I'm gay. I secretly wish that I will go bald and become hairier to resemble what I find attractive, but it seems so at-odds with the desires of the gay community. It’s like these traits I find attractive are found to be disgusting by most others....it makes me feel like a freak. What’s worse is this attraction is exclusive...young guys and women don’t interest me at all, plus I am not interested in anal sex either!
Is this what it means to be a bear? Or can my
attraction to men evolve over time to include other kinds of guys as
well as anal? At 23, having my friends and family see me with a man old
enough to be my father makes me feel incredibly guilty and shameful.
Sorry if this question's dumb, I'm only just coming to terms with these things and had to get this out to somebody.
Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.
First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.
Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.
Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.
None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.
Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]
So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!
Not a dumb question. And there's nothing to feel guilty or shameful about. But I do have a few questions of my own. There's nothing wrong with dating or even having a long-term relationship with an older man, but you do realize that there are guys in their twenties who are hairy, masculine, and who have receding hairlines? [I myself was pretty much bald before I even hit thirty.] So I think that age must have to be a factor with you. In other words, you might have a "daddy" complex. And if you are not a bear [cub], you are definitely a bear-chaser.
First, about bears, or hairy, generally mustachioed or bearded, often non-stereotypical gay men: Yes, gay men outside the bear community do not find the traits you admire to be attractive. To hell with them! Within the very huge bear community you would not be considered a freak nor your desires disgusting.
Now as for daddies. A daddy used to be a mature gay man, a senior citizen in his sixties, but now it simply means older, which means a guy in his late thirties can be a daddy if his boyfriend is in his twenties. There are men who are attracted to [some] older men, simply because they like their looks and don't care that they happen to be older. But generally these guys also like men their own age. If you're strictly into older guys it could be for different reasons.
Some younger guys pursue older men because they didn't have a good relationship with their fathers. No, this doesn't mean they want to have sex with their dads but they feel they missed out on that special father/son relationship and they might be able to get that with an older man -- along with something extra, of course. Some men prefer older guys because they feel the competition will be less formidable; they may have low self-esteem. Some men like older guys as a sort of fetish. Sex is okay but a long-term relationship is out of the question.
None of these may apply to you, of course. But for now I wouldn't worry about it. When I was your age I was not even remotely attracted to bald or balding men, but now -- bald myself -- I tend to go for guys with shaved heads and goatees. Certainly not my cup of java when I was in my twenties. So your tastes may evolve over the years.
Some people just aren't into anal sex, top or bottom. Some gay guys don't even like to suck dick. Everybody's different. So don't worry about it. [Remember, if you ever try anal sex do it with someone you trust and use condoms!]
So date older men if you like. But someday you might want someone to grow older with, so don't dismiss guys your own age out of hand. Some may have the very qualities that you're looking for. Remember hairy daddies didn't become hairy overnight, but were that way all of their lives!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Counting Yourself Out
At what point should a gay man hang up his spurs and accept that his sexual life is behind him? Isn't it better to face reality than to force rejection over and over again? What do you think? Depressed.
The answer to that question depends on the individual, and it isn't just gay men who have to contemplate that dangerous reality as they get older. Nowadays older people of all persuasions are having longer erotic lives, which is all for the better. A lot also depends on such factors as whether or not one is in a relationship and if it's getting harder or impossible to find what you're looking for.
Obviously, unless he's in an open relationship, a man with a life partner's only concern is to, ahem, keep the home fires burning. I assume you're single, and -- as we say -- of a certain age. But remember that nowadays thanks to the Internet and sites like silver daddies and daddyhunt -- as well as a change in attitudes [in part brought about by the bear movement, which says that a man needn't be young, slender or handsome to be attractive or even sexy to others] the age of desirability has been extended. Men in their sixties and older are going out on dates and yes, getting laid! [And remember there are younger men -- non-hustlers -- who are attracted to older guys.]
I would say to anyone who feels that it's time to pack it in when it comes to cruising and/or Internet dating -- give it a little more time. Everyone has a dry spell now and then and when you get older that dry spell can sometimes last a long time [but not always]. Be realistic in who you go after, taking an equally realistic appraisal of yourself. You may no longer be -- may have never been -- some handsome hunk or porn star type, but that doesn't mean you're not somebody's type. As men age, we sometimes have to adjust to the fact that our partners will age as well. And what's wrong with that? [This is directed at guys who insist on only dating much younger men -- big mistake!] If a man is rejected "over and over again," maybe he's approaching the wrong men, or should set his sights a little lower.
Every man and woman, gay or straight, on the planet will eventually reach a point or age [and it's unique for each individual] when they can no longer attract sex partners of any kind, but even then a person can have a rewarding life of culture, friendship, and fun -- only of a differing variety. But don't rush things. Some guys count themselves out way too early and never know what they're missing!
And there's always that old standby -- five finger exercise!
So, Depressed -- don't be depressed. Even after the sexual age is over, there's still a lot of life to be lived!
The answer to that question depends on the individual, and it isn't just gay men who have to contemplate that dangerous reality as they get older. Nowadays older people of all persuasions are having longer erotic lives, which is all for the better. A lot also depends on such factors as whether or not one is in a relationship and if it's getting harder or impossible to find what you're looking for.
Obviously, unless he's in an open relationship, a man with a life partner's only concern is to, ahem, keep the home fires burning. I assume you're single, and -- as we say -- of a certain age. But remember that nowadays thanks to the Internet and sites like silver daddies and daddyhunt -- as well as a change in attitudes [in part brought about by the bear movement, which says that a man needn't be young, slender or handsome to be attractive or even sexy to others] the age of desirability has been extended. Men in their sixties and older are going out on dates and yes, getting laid! [And remember there are younger men -- non-hustlers -- who are attracted to older guys.]
I would say to anyone who feels that it's time to pack it in when it comes to cruising and/or Internet dating -- give it a little more time. Everyone has a dry spell now and then and when you get older that dry spell can sometimes last a long time [but not always]. Be realistic in who you go after, taking an equally realistic appraisal of yourself. You may no longer be -- may have never been -- some handsome hunk or porn star type, but that doesn't mean you're not somebody's type. As men age, we sometimes have to adjust to the fact that our partners will age as well. And what's wrong with that? [This is directed at guys who insist on only dating much younger men -- big mistake!] If a man is rejected "over and over again," maybe he's approaching the wrong men, or should set his sights a little lower.
Every man and woman, gay or straight, on the planet will eventually reach a point or age [and it's unique for each individual] when they can no longer attract sex partners of any kind, but even then a person can have a rewarding life of culture, friendship, and fun -- only of a differing variety. But don't rush things. Some guys count themselves out way too early and never know what they're missing!
And there's always that old standby -- five finger exercise!
So, Depressed -- don't be depressed. Even after the sexual age is over, there's still a lot of life to be lived!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Trendsetter?
Ok, Dr Bill, this is an admittedly loaded question and maybe a little off-topic but I believe you are a very fashionable trendsetter. What I'm asking is: have you noticed that, in "From Paris with Love," John Travolta has completely stolen your look? What do you make of that?
Well, I think Travolta [pictured] has never looked better! [For the record, I started shaving my head completely after the photos for this blog were taken]. But the last thing I am is a "fashionable trendsetter," although I appreciate the compliment.
I love the "cueball" look. [Although one fellow somewhat grumpily told me that the term cueball can only be used for guys with smooth faces, not mustaches, beards, or goatees. I don't care. I still call this the "cueball" look.]
What I find bizarre is that this look is now being affected even by guys who aren't losing, or haven't lost, their hair. I see cueballs in their twenties, for crying out loud! Why shave your head when you've got a full head of hair? Although, like I say, I do admire a shaved head!
Now the question is -- is this a "gay" look or not? The shaved head became popular with Yul Brynner, or at least he was the first celebrity to sport one. Brynner, to my knowledge, was not gay, however. Did gay men take up the banner for this look first, or was it just edgier guys, gay and straight?
Opinions, anyone?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Gay Old Friends
Dear Dr. Bill, Love your blog. [Thank you! "Dr." Bill]
I grew up with a friend I will call "Nate" in elementary school from K-8. He and I were very best friends -- joked together, played together, trusted in each other, worked on many projects together. (Nothing physical ever happened, in terms of experimenting.) He and I essentially went our separate ways when we went to different high schools. There was little contact during high school, mostly because he never seemed to want to be in touch with me at that time of his life. Then, I went to college in New York for pre-law and he went to college in Canada for architecture and we lost touch altogether.
I do a lot of Google sleuthing to try to find old friends, for whatever reason (maybe I find it hard to let go of the past; or maybe it's just hard to find friends now who seem as great as childhood friends). Anyway, I discovered through Google searching that my Nate (who I have not seen in 30 years) is gay. Just like me. I suppose I always wondered if he was. But I never knew for certain until I saw various things on the Web that make it clear he's gay, and out, where he lives.
The thing is: Nate doesn't seem to want to communicate with me, and I don't know why. I have sent a few letters and emails and just get back silence in return. In one long email I came out to him and really expressed a sincere interest in getting back in touch, reminiscing, catching up. It just seems that we would now have more to talk about than ever. But he seems to have no interest, or something is holding him back. I can't think of any arguments or bad feelings between us at all.
Naturally I don't want to phone him and put him on the spot, if he cannot even bring himself to write to me. Talk about awkward. I don't want to make Nate think I am stalking him or that I am really needy and won't just let him be. And yet, we were such a big part of each other's lives as kids that it bothers me he is ignoring my efforts to reach out. I feel rejected, or that the friendship is being betrayed (even if it's not exactly a current friendship).
I know, I know, get a life, right? Move ahead, not back, and don't live in the past. All good advice. But why is it so hard to do that?
Possibly it's hard for you to move ahead because of some dissatisfaction with your current situation? Maybe it isn't this guy at all, but what he represents? I'm assuming that childhood was basically a happy period for you, and maybe you hope that reconnecting with this old friend will bring back some of those happy experiences. However, a person can find happiness with new people and new experiences at any age.
You have to remember that you haven't really seen this guy or interacted with him in thirty years, and his memories of you and the fun you had together may not be as sharp as yours. He's all grown up now, as are you, and despite the fact that both of you are gay, he may feel like the two of you have very separate interests or attitudes [just because he didn't reply doesn't mean he didn't read your letters or emails; you may have revealed things that made him feel the two of you would not get along as you did in childhood. And I definitely would not phone him!]
You also mention that he didn't seem interested in staying friends when the two of you went to separate high schools. Sometimes old friends just grow apart and not just in distance. It doesn't necessarily mean he has anything against you but more that he's dealing with his own reality -- then and now -- and connecting with an old friend he hasn't seen since he was basically a child is not a top priority at this time. You may just have caught him at a bad moment.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to reconnect with a childhood friend, and I can understand that you feel a bit rejected and disappointed, especially as it turns out that both of you are gay. If you had some kind of special feelings for him during those youthful days it would probably intensify the feeling of rejection. If you're like most people you've fantasized about what it might be like if you two of you met face to face after all these years, and you're frustrated that it may never take place.
The truth is that some people really don't want to go back into the past. I had great times in college, for instance, but not once have I ever had any desire to go back for a reunion. Your old friend may have so much going on in his life right now that he just doesn't have either the time or desire to renew acquaintances -- and let's face it, you and he haven't really been friends -- or even acquaintances in any realistic fashion -- in many a year.
It's possible that he's just going through a busy period and will get in touch with you when he has a chance to catch his breath. You've told him how you feel, offered the invitation -- the rest is up to him.
But if you don't hear from him try not to feel too bad. People change as they grow older. They need different things, have different attitudes.
In other words, it may be more about him than about you.
I grew up with a friend I will call "Nate" in elementary school from K-8. He and I were very best friends -- joked together, played together, trusted in each other, worked on many projects together. (Nothing physical ever happened, in terms of experimenting.) He and I essentially went our separate ways when we went to different high schools. There was little contact during high school, mostly because he never seemed to want to be in touch with me at that time of his life. Then, I went to college in New York for pre-law and he went to college in Canada for architecture and we lost touch altogether.
I do a lot of Google sleuthing to try to find old friends, for whatever reason (maybe I find it hard to let go of the past; or maybe it's just hard to find friends now who seem as great as childhood friends). Anyway, I discovered through Google searching that my Nate (who I have not seen in 30 years) is gay. Just like me. I suppose I always wondered if he was. But I never knew for certain until I saw various things on the Web that make it clear he's gay, and out, where he lives.
The thing is: Nate doesn't seem to want to communicate with me, and I don't know why. I have sent a few letters and emails and just get back silence in return. In one long email I came out to him and really expressed a sincere interest in getting back in touch, reminiscing, catching up. It just seems that we would now have more to talk about than ever. But he seems to have no interest, or something is holding him back. I can't think of any arguments or bad feelings between us at all.
Naturally I don't want to phone him and put him on the spot, if he cannot even bring himself to write to me. Talk about awkward. I don't want to make Nate think I am stalking him or that I am really needy and won't just let him be. And yet, we were such a big part of each other's lives as kids that it bothers me he is ignoring my efforts to reach out. I feel rejected, or that the friendship is being betrayed (even if it's not exactly a current friendship).
I know, I know, get a life, right? Move ahead, not back, and don't live in the past. All good advice. But why is it so hard to do that?
Possibly it's hard for you to move ahead because of some dissatisfaction with your current situation? Maybe it isn't this guy at all, but what he represents? I'm assuming that childhood was basically a happy period for you, and maybe you hope that reconnecting with this old friend will bring back some of those happy experiences. However, a person can find happiness with new people and new experiences at any age.
You have to remember that you haven't really seen this guy or interacted with him in thirty years, and his memories of you and the fun you had together may not be as sharp as yours. He's all grown up now, as are you, and despite the fact that both of you are gay, he may feel like the two of you have very separate interests or attitudes [just because he didn't reply doesn't mean he didn't read your letters or emails; you may have revealed things that made him feel the two of you would not get along as you did in childhood. And I definitely would not phone him!]
You also mention that he didn't seem interested in staying friends when the two of you went to separate high schools. Sometimes old friends just grow apart and not just in distance. It doesn't necessarily mean he has anything against you but more that he's dealing with his own reality -- then and now -- and connecting with an old friend he hasn't seen since he was basically a child is not a top priority at this time. You may just have caught him at a bad moment.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to reconnect with a childhood friend, and I can understand that you feel a bit rejected and disappointed, especially as it turns out that both of you are gay. If you had some kind of special feelings for him during those youthful days it would probably intensify the feeling of rejection. If you're like most people you've fantasized about what it might be like if you two of you met face to face after all these years, and you're frustrated that it may never take place.
The truth is that some people really don't want to go back into the past. I had great times in college, for instance, but not once have I ever had any desire to go back for a reunion. Your old friend may have so much going on in his life right now that he just doesn't have either the time or desire to renew acquaintances -- and let's face it, you and he haven't really been friends -- or even acquaintances in any realistic fashion -- in many a year.
It's possible that he's just going through a busy period and will get in touch with you when he has a chance to catch his breath. You've told him how you feel, offered the invitation -- the rest is up to him.
But if you don't hear from him try not to feel too bad. People change as they grow older. They need different things, have different attitudes.
In other words, it may be more about him than about you.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Blowing My Own Horn
At the sexy website GayDemon, this blog was listed as one of the editor's picks. They wrote:
This is the description for "Ask Gay Dr. Bill" - "A professional author who's been Out and Proud, openly gay, for many years, answers questions about the gay community for his gay brothers and sisters and other interested parties." Yes, Dr. Bill seems to know what he's talking about in my opinion. I also admire his "no nonsense" answers and advice. I mean, when it comes to accepting who we are and what we like to engage in sexually and lifestyle wise, why beat around the bush?! In the most recent entry dated "August 20th 2008", Dr. Bill responds to a person who runs into a lot of young people these days who truly think that homosexuals have finally gained total acceptance in our society. A lot of this is of course because they are young and are not aware of the violence and lack of human rights that some older gay people remember. It is introspective Q&A's like this most recent one which make up the gist of "Ask Gay Dr. Bill". Not all are so profound or negatively truthful and even contain some humour and interesting points. It's the Dr. Ruth of the gay world put down in a blog. Pretty cool. Nice looking and fast loading blog too.
I'm very happy with this review (even if the Dr. Ruth reference is a little bizarre -- but funny!)
I started this blog because I wanted to cut through a lot of crap that's written and said about the gay community by both straights and gays. I appreciate that there are people out there in cyberspace who seem to think I know what I'm talking about. It's also important to me that people of all ages recognize that a more mature fellow like myself may hopefully have gained some wisdom and experience over the years and can pass it on.
Thanks for the write-up, GayDemon!
I also won a silver award from Best Gay Blogs (although that may have been for my other blog; they didn't specify). I'll exhibit it as soon as I can figure out why the code-script for the award isn't displaying the way it should.
This is the description for "Ask Gay Dr. Bill" - "A professional author who's been Out and Proud, openly gay, for many years, answers questions about the gay community for his gay brothers and sisters and other interested parties." Yes, Dr. Bill seems to know what he's talking about in my opinion. I also admire his "no nonsense" answers and advice. I mean, when it comes to accepting who we are and what we like to engage in sexually and lifestyle wise, why beat around the bush?! In the most recent entry dated "August 20th 2008", Dr. Bill responds to a person who runs into a lot of young people these days who truly think that homosexuals have finally gained total acceptance in our society. A lot of this is of course because they are young and are not aware of the violence and lack of human rights that some older gay people remember. It is introspective Q&A's like this most recent one which make up the gist of "Ask Gay Dr. Bill". Not all are so profound or negatively truthful and even contain some humour and interesting points. It's the Dr. Ruth of the gay world put down in a blog. Pretty cool. Nice looking and fast loading blog too.
I'm very happy with this review (even if the Dr. Ruth reference is a little bizarre -- but funny!)
I started this blog because I wanted to cut through a lot of crap that's written and said about the gay community by both straights and gays. I appreciate that there are people out there in cyberspace who seem to think I know what I'm talking about. It's also important to me that people of all ages recognize that a more mature fellow like myself may hopefully have gained some wisdom and experience over the years and can pass it on.
Thanks for the write-up, GayDemon!
I also won a silver award from Best Gay Blogs (although that may have been for my other blog; they didn't specify). I'll exhibit it as soon as I can figure out why the code-script for the award isn't displaying the way it should.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Infatuated with Younger Man
I am a middle-aged gay man who finds himself unrequitedly infatuated with a younger man. I recently accepted the fact that it is hopeless and simply want to move on and get over him. But how can you get over an infatuation? BB
Now why does everyone ask me about unrequited infatuation? Seriously, there is a way to get over a crush, and while you may feel you're infatuated, obsessed, or in love, the fact is you're probably just in crush. I remember asking someone the same question once and I was told "You don't get over an infatuation. You just enjoy the fantasy." It sounded like a good answer at the time but it's completely inaccurate. Here's how you get over a crush.
First, stop hanging around the object of your affection, which you know you're doing way too much. Seeing him may be the highlight of your day, but you have to move on. Throw out your pictures of him, delete the ones on your hard drive, and cut him out of your life as much as possible. You've gotten past the first hurdle -- you've accepted that it's just not gonna happen. Now do the next sensible thing and get on with your life. Bless him and let him go!
Get yourself out there meeting new men! The easiest way to forget about the wrong guy is to meet the right one. Meet guys online, go on dates, frequent bars where you're more likely to find men who are your type and in your age range. Guys can be hot even in middle-age or older! You don't need the younger ones, baby! (Of course if you meet a younger guy who likes older men, okay, but that obviously hasn't happened here.)
I know, I know. You think you can't live without the one you think of nearly every hour of every day. You spend most of your time day-dreaming about the future with him that you know you won't have. Enough of that already! You may be feeling some heartbreak and disappointment, sure, but look at it this way. Think of all the people out there who lose spouses and partners that they've been with for decades. If you keep it in perspective you'll realize that what you're going through, while difficult, is a lot easier to deal with than the grief of losing a loved one of many years.
You can do it! You can get over this guy! The sooner you move on the faster you can meet someone new!
Think of the possibilities and go get 'im tiger!
Now why does everyone ask me about unrequited infatuation? Seriously, there is a way to get over a crush, and while you may feel you're infatuated, obsessed, or in love, the fact is you're probably just in crush. I remember asking someone the same question once and I was told "You don't get over an infatuation. You just enjoy the fantasy." It sounded like a good answer at the time but it's completely inaccurate. Here's how you get over a crush.
First, stop hanging around the object of your affection, which you know you're doing way too much. Seeing him may be the highlight of your day, but you have to move on. Throw out your pictures of him, delete the ones on your hard drive, and cut him out of your life as much as possible. You've gotten past the first hurdle -- you've accepted that it's just not gonna happen. Now do the next sensible thing and get on with your life. Bless him and let him go!
Get yourself out there meeting new men! The easiest way to forget about the wrong guy is to meet the right one. Meet guys online, go on dates, frequent bars where you're more likely to find men who are your type and in your age range. Guys can be hot even in middle-age or older! You don't need the younger ones, baby! (Of course if you meet a younger guy who likes older men, okay, but that obviously hasn't happened here.)
I know, I know. You think you can't live without the one you think of nearly every hour of every day. You spend most of your time day-dreaming about the future with him that you know you won't have. Enough of that already! You may be feeling some heartbreak and disappointment, sure, but look at it this way. Think of all the people out there who lose spouses and partners that they've been with for decades. If you keep it in perspective you'll realize that what you're going through, while difficult, is a lot easier to deal with than the grief of losing a loved one of many years.
You can do it! You can get over this guy! The sooner you move on the faster you can meet someone new!
Think of the possibilities and go get 'im tiger!
Friday, March 21, 2008
"Market Value"
A question for your blog:
What would you say to a gay man in his 40s who did all the hard work to come out and accept his sexuality two decades ago, but who now finds himself isolated, without confidence, and without a sex life because of...a psychiatric disorder?
I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder since I was 19 and it's been a rough ride, with lots of ups and downs, crushing mood swings, hospital stays, and interruptions of employment. But through it all I managed to continue to be persistent and work on having an "out" gay life: making gay friends, being active in gay organizations, dating, and keeping myself open to the possibility of a long-term relationship some day with someone who would love me and be attracted to me regardless of my health.
But recently it's become hard indeed to be optimistic about my romantic prospects. Two years ago I had a series of terrible manic episodes, alienated a lot of friends, lost a lot of money, lost a good job, and even had minor skirmishes with police. I am still not working and I get by on some savings and a modest Social Security disability check. I have to watch my money closely. I don't have a lot of hope for working full-time again, though it might happen. I am lonely. I feel very awkward about opening up about my illness to prospective new gay friends because I don't know how they would react. I think, and I believe accurately, that most gay men wanting dates or relationships want people without "baggage" and would not look kindly upon starting a new attachment to someone unstable or whose problems carry a lot of stigma.
To put it another way, I am discouraged because I think my "market value" in the gay dating game has plunged since I was young. I'm 20 years older than when I came out. I'm not in the greatest physical shape, partly because medication caused me to gain weight and it's hard to lose it. I'm not working (except for volunteering, which is fun), and I think gay guys really look for people with jobs and financial stability. I know I have good qualities...I'm smart, well-educated, creative, a great listener, empathetic (in part due to the rough experiences I have weathered). And I have many fascinating stories to tell. But still I can't get past the idea that 99% of the guys out there want to steer clear of someone like me, and that all those years of struggling to come out and tell everyone proudly that I was gay were wasted. Nothing much came from it. I'm basically cut off from the larger gay crowd now.
I am in therapy to explore these issues (no surprise!), but I'd like to hear your thoughts.
Yours, S.
Best of luck! Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.
What would you say to a gay man in his 40s who did all the hard work to come out and accept his sexuality two decades ago, but who now finds himself isolated, without confidence, and without a sex life because of...a psychiatric disorder?
I've been diagnosed as having bipolar disorder since I was 19 and it's been a rough ride, with lots of ups and downs, crushing mood swings, hospital stays, and interruptions of employment. But through it all I managed to continue to be persistent and work on having an "out" gay life: making gay friends, being active in gay organizations, dating, and keeping myself open to the possibility of a long-term relationship some day with someone who would love me and be attracted to me regardless of my health.
But recently it's become hard indeed to be optimistic about my romantic prospects. Two years ago I had a series of terrible manic episodes, alienated a lot of friends, lost a lot of money, lost a good job, and even had minor skirmishes with police. I am still not working and I get by on some savings and a modest Social Security disability check. I have to watch my money closely. I don't have a lot of hope for working full-time again, though it might happen. I am lonely. I feel very awkward about opening up about my illness to prospective new gay friends because I don't know how they would react. I think, and I believe accurately, that most gay men wanting dates or relationships want people without "baggage" and would not look kindly upon starting a new attachment to someone unstable or whose problems carry a lot of stigma.
To put it another way, I am discouraged because I think my "market value" in the gay dating game has plunged since I was young. I'm 20 years older than when I came out. I'm not in the greatest physical shape, partly because medication caused me to gain weight and it's hard to lose it. I'm not working (except for volunteering, which is fun), and I think gay guys really look for people with jobs and financial stability. I know I have good qualities...I'm smart, well-educated, creative, a great listener, empathetic (in part due to the rough experiences I have weathered). And I have many fascinating stories to tell. But still I can't get past the idea that 99% of the guys out there want to steer clear of someone like me, and that all those years of struggling to come out and tell everyone proudly that I was gay were wasted. Nothing much came from it. I'm basically cut off from the larger gay crowd now.
I am in therapy to explore these issues (no surprise!), but I'd like to hear your thoughts.
Yours, S.
First, I'm glad you're in therapy, because, as I'm sure you know, some things can't be solved or easily resolved even by the great Dr. Bill, LOL. However, I do have some positive things to say to you.
It may be true that most people -- gay or straight -- look for people without "baggage" when they're in the dating game, but it's also true that there are very few people who don't have some baggage. Regardless of sex or sexual orientation, loneliness may increase with age and people begin --although it sounds terrible to put it this way -- "settling," or -- to put it a better way -- becoming more realistic that there are very few princes out there, and that if you expect perfection in a person or relationship you're going to be either disappointed or alone. On dating sites most people put their best foot forward and don't mention the negatives. Total honesty is admirable, but there's no reason you should discuss anything so personal with someone who's simply an acquaintance. I would dare say that most people, no matter what their problems are, don't start revealing intimate, possibly "negative," details about themselves until they've gotten to know the other person better. Who knows what baggage the other person is carrying? (Be prepared. Once you "confess" -- or at least bring up some of your problems -- after a suitable period -- you may be surprised what the other person may tell you!)
Some men will be turned off by your problems and move on. Others may have come to like you so much that they'll want to continue. Give them time to get to know you and recognize your good qualities before you reveal all. As for not being in great shape, don't worry about it. As I've said before not all gay men are exercise nuts, and some guys are positively turned on by pot bellies. If necessary, you can always start an exercise program. As for money, people tend to think all gay men are rich, when the truth is that there are plenty of blue collar, and even unemployed, gay guys out there who won't judge you by your income level. I mean, first of all we're talking about sex and companionship, simply finding someone who's compatible. Perfection is not required in a friend or fuck buddy. It may lead to a relationship, or it may not. This is true whether you carry baggage or don't. [As for a sex life, the guys looking to get laid on gay dating sites don't really care about your baggage as long as you have a d--k!]
Don't worry too much about finding a lover. The forties is still young. Friends can help ease your sense of isolation and they're less likely to judge you or expect perfection. Sometimes friendship can deepen into something more.
If you do try online dating, you can usually tell from a guy's profile if he's the kind who only wants Men With Bucks, Hot Bodies, or Perfect Princes. Such guys are generally full of themselves and so are their profiles. And they don't hear from as many guys as you might imagine, no matter what they look like. Guys who act like they're just so special and want the same are often a turn-off. I mean, they're on the same dating site as everyone else so maybe they're not so special. Maybe they even have baggage they don't want everyone to know about.
Never, ever feel that the struggle to come out was "wasted." Your problems would be worse and even more difficult to deal with if you were also struggling with self-hatred and non-acceptance. Continue to have a healthy attitude toward being gay. Believe me, the biggest barrier to finding a lover is internalized homophobia. Most gay men can sense this problem in other men and that's the one thing that they don't want to have to deal with. It's impossible to have a healthy gay relationship if you hate yourself or hate being gay, and I wouldn't be surprised if that's the chief reason many are not in relationships.
You have a lot on your plate, but remember that you're not alone. Not only are their many gay men who have similar financial and health/psychiatric issues, there are those who are dealing with being HIV positive (talk about a lowered dating "market value," although even that can be dealt with, as there are support and social groups for HIV+ men). You could explore the possibilities of getting into a support group for men over forty and I'll bet you'll find that most of the guys have problems of some nature (which is equally true in the hetero community). Everyone has problems of one sort or another; that's life!
So try to keep a positive attitude. Let people get to know you and like you. Nobody is required to tell a new acquaintance everything about themselves.
Best of luck! Let me know if there's anything else I can help with.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Mature Action
I'm a fifty-four-year-old gay man who thought that all the fun was behind him, but I've put myself out there -- on line and in bars -- and am having more sex today than I did twenty years ago. My God -- I get laid practically every time I go out, and I can't believe how many men contact me on gay dating sites for older men. Even guys twenty years younger! I'm not so special but apparently there's someone for everyone. I try to play safe at all times, of course. I'm just here to say that there definitely is gay life for those of us who are fifty and beyond. Brian
Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!
Brian, I'm not sure if you're asking a question or just bragging, you little devil, LOL. Seriously, you've hit the nail on the head. Of course there's more to "gay life" than sex, but sex is certainly a big part of it. Good for you! I think younger people might be less depressed about getting older if they knew that the, ahem, joys of life continue even in middle and senior years, and this is true for straights as well as gays. As for "trying to play safe," don't just try -- do it! HIV and other SDT infection is rising in men above the age of 50, the downside of all that action. But that's no reason to take alarm. Use condoms (even if you're a top), shower within thirty minutes after sex, avoid risky behavior, get yourself tested regularly, and it's not a bad idea to get to know a potential sex partner first and find out about his sexual history if you can. You can be safe and have a great time as well! I'm looking forward to my fifties, which are rapidly approaching. Way to go, guy!
Sunday, January 13, 2008
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