Gay Men and Aging

I am a gay man in my forties and I have some friends my age and younger -- and sometimes older -- who are frequently making disparaging remarks about mature gay men, especially seniors and the elderly. Some of this is good-natured and not to be taken seriously, but sometimes the remarks are nasty and hateful. I worry about getting older, like most people do, I believe, but the last thing I want to do is make things worse for older gay men by putting them down, just as I don't want to be put down simply for getting older, which no one can help. Any thoughts on this? Do you think the gay community is more ageist than the straight world? 

Definitely not. Age discrimination is part of American culture [and no doubt other countries as well] and sexual orientation has nothing to do with it. No one enjoys getting older, not just because of that very real discrimination but because of health issues that sometimes crop up with increasing age, not to mention the sense of time running out that many older people feel. Different people handle getting older differently, and some can't handle it at all. How we deal with aging has a lot to do with how we feel about ourselves, and how our lives are going as we mature. An aging person -- gay or otherwise -- who has financial security, enjoys their work, and is in a stable, loving relationship will find it easier to deal with getting older than someone who has none of those things. Someone who has achieved most or all of their life goals may find aging easier than someone whose dreams did not come true and sadly realizes that they probably never will. Yet even those people in the latter categories can still find different kinds of fulfillment as they grow older.

It's also true that people who have negative, nasty attitudes toward older people may find it that much tougher to get older themselves. Age discrimination can be caused by thoughtlessness, or it can be the product of a stupid or superficial mentality.

As for gay men and aging, the myth is that gay men all want to run and kill themselves when they hit forty or fifty, but judging from the very large mature gay male population I would say most gay men don't see that as a viable option. Nowadays people live and stay healthier longer, and enjoy active sex lives well into their seventies or even older. Straight men do not enjoy getting older and being viewed as "over the hill" or as "old-timers" any more than gay men do. And the male ego -- gay or straight -- always worries about sexual potency. For the record, most aging gay men won't need viagra.

Try not to worry too much about getting older. You probably have many, many wonderful years ahead. I know many men in their fifties, sixties and seventies and older who are still enjoying life, still getting out and about, still cruising, and still having very satisfying sex lives and romances, even if they don't have partners or perfect lives.

One for the Ages

I am a gay middle-aged man who is constantly being asked by bar patrons how old I am. In my opinion, it's nobody's business. I am told by close friends that I look much younger than my years, and that's just fine with me. I would like to be upfront with people, but then there's all the age discrimination I would have to deal with. How do you feel about this?

I completely agree that a person's age is their business and it's kind of rude to ask. It's like asking someone what their income is or if they dye their hair or other personal questions. Some guys will ask you your age not for any obnoxious reason, but because they like you and are probably hoping you're not too young for them. It may be just part of being conversational. Then, unfortunately, we have the assholes who are hoping you are older so they can condescend to you. Fuck them.

In a more perfect world everyone could be totally honest about their age, but in a youth-obsessed society [both gay and straight] that isn't always an option. If you look younger than your years, that's great. Even if you didn't, there are always guys who don't care how old you are, not to mention younger men who like older guys. 

I would suggest shaving a few years off if you can get away with it, but not decades. I'm sure we've all encountered middle-aged or even senior guys who try to pretend they're part of the younger generation -- and talk to you as if you're "an older man" -- when everyone knows they've been around almost [or at least] as long as you have. We put up with it until they start making nasty age-discriminatory remarks, then it's time to put them in their place and remind them how long you've known them. Otherwise, I let people say whatever the hell they want to about their age.