One for the Ages

I am a gay middle-aged man who is constantly being asked by bar patrons how old I am. In my opinion, it's nobody's business. I am told by close friends that I look much younger than my years, and that's just fine with me. I would like to be upfront with people, but then there's all the age discrimination I would have to deal with. How do you feel about this?

I completely agree that a person's age is their business and it's kind of rude to ask. It's like asking someone what their income is or if they dye their hair or other personal questions. Some guys will ask you your age not for any obnoxious reason, but because they like you and are probably hoping you're not too young for them. It may be just part of being conversational. Then, unfortunately, we have the assholes who are hoping you are older so they can condescend to you. Fuck them.

In a more perfect world everyone could be totally honest about their age, but in a youth-obsessed society [both gay and straight] that isn't always an option. If you look younger than your years, that's great. Even if you didn't, there are always guys who don't care how old you are, not to mention younger men who like older guys. 

I would suggest shaving a few years off if you can get away with it, but not decades. I'm sure we've all encountered middle-aged or even senior guys who try to pretend they're part of the younger generation -- and talk to you as if you're "an older man" -- when everyone knows they've been around almost [or at least] as long as you have. We put up with it until they start making nasty age-discriminatory remarks, then it's time to put them in their place and remind them how long you've known them. Otherwise, I let people say whatever the hell they want to about their age.

Bed-Hopping at Any Age

I am casually dating a man who, like me, is in his late forties. "Doug" is always attentive to me when we go out, but he has admitted that he cruises quite a bit and is quite sexually active. We stick to safe sex and he says he does the same with his tricks. But why is a man of his age still cruising instead of settling down? Is this a kind of sickness that some guys need to go to bed with as many men as possible? I'd love to hear what you think about this.

You're gonna hear it, all right. Being sexually active and enjoying a healthy sex life and a variety of interesting sex partners -- at any age -- is not a "sickness." Different strokes for different folks, to coin a cliche. You wouldn't like it if Doug suggested that you were sexually repressed or had something wrong with you simply because [I assume] you only sleep with the man you're currently dating. May I make it clear that there's a big difference between someone who enjoys a healthy sex life -- especially if he sticks to safe sex -- and a "sex addict" who sleeps with people, even people he finds repulsive, compulsively. Doug may not "need to go to bed with as many men as possible" -- he may just have a strong sex drive, be attractive to many men, and enjoy hitting the sheets when he feels like it. What's wrong with that?

In my opinion it has little to do with sex or sexual orientation but some people are the monogamous type and some are not. The trouble starts when the two types become partners and the friction isn't limited to the bedroom. In this case, it's not what Doug is doing, but the fact that it's Doug who's doing it. Someone you obviously care for and want to settle down with. But first, there's something else that needs to be said. And that is that a man in his late forties like Doug is not exactly over the hill. I have met sexually active men who are a couple of decades older than that. And still going strong. Good for him!

Conventional thinking on this subject suggests that some middle-aged gay men seek lots of sex partners because they have a sense of time running out, that they fear the day when they will no longer be able to attract anyone. [And don't think that straight men don't fear getting older, too, and for this same reason.] There may be truth to this, but we have to go one step beyond the conventional thinking. Why should someone who enjoys good sex and physical closeness with another person give it up just because they reach a certain age? If "Doug" has no partner should he stick to five finger exercise all the time?

I think you're probably hurt because Doug isn't "satisfied" with you, because it sounds as if you'd be perfectly content with him and him alone. This is not an easy situation for you. Doug may not be ready to settle down -- there's no certain age when someone is ready -- but in any case, even when he does settle down he may prefer an open relationship to monogamy. And it doesn't sound as if that's something you'd be into. That doesn't make you a prude or mean there's anything wrong with you. But you are being just a touch puritanical with your remarks about cruising and age.

I also have to say that you shouldn't settle for an open relationship if you're not comfortable with it -- and many aren't. The stereotype of gay men is that we're all "promiscuous" but the truth is that many gay men are quite conservative in that respect, and are much more interested in -- and happy being in -- monogamous relationships. But that doesn't mean that gay men who enjoy being sexually active with more than one partner should be castigated for their attitudes and activities, especially if they're responsible.

So the good news is that if Doug doesn't work out, you're bound to find plenty of gay men who want to settle down and snuggle with that one special person -- and no one else -- just like you do. Good luck!

Hanging It Up

At what point do you think a man should hang it up, I mean stop cruising, accept that those days are behind him? Is there any specific age, I wonder? Anon.

Given how people live longer today and the "senior" crowd -- gay and straight -- is still sexually active, I don't know if anyone should ever "give it up." It really depends on a lot of factors.

As long as a man is attracting other men to him -- and I don't mean that every head turns when he walks in the door, but that guys do at least on occasion let him know that they're interested -- I see no reason why he should stop cruising, or at least think of himself as "past it." I mean, a man can go to a bar one night and feel invisible, with no one hitting on him, or striking out as he makes passes, but then a week later there are more guys in the bar (or a different bar) who like his specific type, and he finds himself in the position of (nicely) rejecting people. You never know how it's gonna go. Guys, especially as we age, can be very sensitive to this, and one has to remember that even younger, "hotter" guys can have a bad night or a string of them. It's important not to despair.

Some guys of a certain age don't actively cruise. They wait for people to express an interest and now and then may get lucky. Other guys are more aggressive and may or may not be more successful. Some guys just tell themselves that they're over-the-hill and jerk off, or become more or less asexual.

Then there are guys are who really lousy at cruising in bars and do much better on-line. I'd suggest before giving up on cruising/dating/sexual activity entirely, a man should try the on-line dating/sex sites that cater to older men and their admirers, such as silver daddies.

Older men -- especially those who are predominantly attracted to younger guys -- should avoid the pitfalls of cruising in a bar that caters mostly to, say, twenty-somethings. There are young men who like older men (for various reasons) but they tend to go to bars that cater to the middle-aged [and older] crowd. If you do go to a bar full of twenty-somethings, at least go late when they're more likely to be a little snookered and approachable. You may not get laid but at least they'll talk to you!

I have encountered middle-aged men who are fresh out of a twenty-something bar down the block and are miserable as hell, feeling old, rejected and desperate, when the truth is that there are many men their own age who would find them perfectly sexy. Unless a guy is extremely handsome, hot or rich, it's difficult to be in middle age (or older) and be exclusively attracted to much younger men.

There are still a lot of attractive (whatever your taste) older guys out there, and all of us "of a certain age" -- and we are legion -- should take advantage of that fact.

If a man really feels that he is just too old to attract sex partners, he can still enjoy the joys of masturbation, his friends, other activities that add joy to his life.

But remember that I've known guys as old as their seventies who cruise -- in bars -- and are successful at it more often than not.

You just never know.