Friday, March 27, 2009

Outdated Obsession with "Straight" Men

Lately I've been seeing a trend that I, at least, find kind of disturbing. All these ads in gay magazines to "come see hot naked straight guys" at this or that web site; there's even a porn mag devoted to supposedly straight guys geared to gay men. Isn't this alleged obsession with straight guys kind of out-of-date? Out and Proud Joe.

To those of us who are Out and Proud, Joe, yes it certainly is out of date. Certainly a gay man can find any kind of man attractive, but an obsession with [supposedly] straight guys is decidedly pre-Stonewall. It harks back to those days when people referred to some gay men as being "straight-acting." We now know -- or certainly should know -- that the gay male community is very diverse; you can find any type or kind of man you want, from femme to butch and everything in between. There is no need to pursue straight guys. Jerking off over a hot model regardless of whatever his sexual orientation might be is one thing, but if a gay man finds it more exciting that the guy might be straight, well let's say I think he has issues.

Although they are definitely in the minority, even today there are self-hating homos who think of straight men as being the ultimate treat. Some will pretend that it's merely a test of their seductive powers, but in reality they are so wracked with internalized homophobia that they hate the idea of being with a gay man, whom they see -- like themselves -- as being inferior. A real man, to them, is a straight man. No well-adjusted gay man has this attitude, of course.

Then there's the fact that if a straight man "succumbs" and has sex with another man, he's not really or totally straight, a little catch-22 that seems to fly over the heads of these straight-obsessed gentlemen. And, yes, that's true even if they're getting paid for it. Some self-hating homos only have sex for money (as hustlers or porn actors) so they can convince themselves that they're not really gay, they're only doing it for cash. Surrrreee.

And don't get me started on this moronic notion that some men who actively seek out other men for sex (outside of prison) are actually heterosexual.

Lastly, I recall an ad for one of these gay-oriented "straight guy" web sites which shows a guy riding off on a motorcycle with another guy as he leaves "the bitch" -- his girlfriend -- behind in the dust. This plays into another out-dated and especially unfair and pernicious notion that gay men are all ultimately misogynous.

Many of these sites, ads and magazines are not put together by gay people. And if they are, they are not what I'd call Out and Proud or at least up to date gay people with modern-day attitudes about gay men. They trade on stereotypes. For money.

I would suggest if one likes to go to sexy web sites, watch porn films, and the like, that you frequent those sites and purchase those films that feature openly, happily gay men.

And leave the "straight" or closeted ones to the self-hating homos.

As you can see, I have no opinion on this issue, LOL.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Big Queens or Super-Butch?

Okay, let's be honest, aren't most gay guys big queens? I mean, I'm a big queen. Can't speak for you, but isn't that the case for most of us? LL

Nope. In my experience, the vast majority of gay men are just average guys who happen to like other guys. You have to remember that the "big queens" as you call them, -- or the more "fabulous" or flamboyant, stereotypical members of the gay male community -- do tend to, well, stick out a little more. The media also tends to play up the more colorful members of the community. Therefore many people, gay and straight, can erroneously believe that most gay men are "queens" or femmes. It just ain't so. I'm not saying most gay guys are super-butch -- although gay guys like that certainly exist -- but remember that most straight guys aren't super-macho, either. There are even effeminate heterosexual men.

While most well-adjusted masculine gay men do not make fun or put down "femmes" -- although they may at times roll their eyes at certain behavior patterns -- I do recognize that many self-described queens want or need to believe that most gays are queens like them because it makes them feel more comfortable; the whole safety in numbers bit. Also some queens strictly hang out in places where other queens congregate -- they do not go to bear bars, for instance.

Speaking of which, I really think that this whole perception that all or most gay men are queens seems a little out of date with the emergence of bear culture. Although there are effeminate hairy guys, most bears (or otters or wolves or bear cubs and so on) are gay guys who do not fit into neat little stereotypes. And the bear community is huge.

Look, no one wants to be a minority within a minority, but look at it this way. The gay community is very diverse, and queens and drag queens are one part of it -- and the gay community would be a little duller, perhaps, without them. I also have to say that I have personally never seen a bear (or otter or wolf etc. etc.) be unkind to any femme gay guy who happens to wander into the scene or is a bear "chaser."

Celebrate our diversity. Celebrate yourself. Whether you're a butch bear or a "big queen," gay life can be -- is -- great, right?

Friday, March 13, 2009

Woman's Hubby Has a Yen for Men

I am a straight woman who married a bisexual man who lived most of his life as a gay man, and had a male lover for many years. He does not try to hide this and is in favor of gay rights; we both are. We are both of middle-age, and will soon be senior citizens. I believe that we have a very good, loving relationship, but my husband admitted to me some time ago that he has always been in love with a particular man (not his ex-lover, who dumped him for another man) but accepted long ago that it was not to be. He says he loves me but it is obvious that he still has strong feelings for this man, whom he talks about all the time. I wondered if it might do me some good to appeal to this man -- my husband has not seen him in some years -- to tell my husband that there really is no chance of their getting together. I know it would be presumptuous of me, to say the least. But I feel my husband's feelings for him are getting in the way of our relationship, and I do want this to work. If he knew there really was no possibility, maybe he could concentrate more on our marriage and happiness. Anon.

Okay, where do I begin?

This is not what you want to hear, but your marriage would probably have a greater chance of success if your husband was a heterosexual. Sorry, but that's just the plain truth right there. However, there are other factors that you have to consider.

First of all, I think your husband is well aware that things aren't going to happen between him and this other guy he's supposedly in love with, and I think contacting the man would not only be presumptuous but pointless. Whether your husband is actually in love with this guy or not, I'm sure you can see that it presents a problem. Even if your husband is genuinely bisexual (and not just a lonely homosexual man with issues, such as being "dumped" by his long-time male lover) --and it sounds as if that's a big if in this case -- he may have far more interest, shall we say, in men than in women. In other words, his telling you about his love for this guy (you have to wonder why he did so) may be his way of reminding you that he is, after all, a guy who has a thing for other guys, and you can only expect so much of him. On some level, perhaps sub-consciously, your husband probably realizes that he really wants and needs to be with another man, just as you, in all honesty, probably would have preferred a man who's totally or mostly into women.

Loneliness can make strange bedfellows, and I suspect that you and your husband got together (straight woman, man who was "gay most of his life") for that reason. I understand that some people merely settle when it comes to relationships because they want some sort of companionship -- someone who cares about them and whom they care about to share their life with. I do think, however, that it might be better for people to realize -- in situations like this one, among others -- that sometimes loving friends -- as you and your husband may well be -- should remain friends and not become spouses. Where would we all be without our friends, especially when romantic relationships don't work out for one reason or another?

There are really, to my way of thinking, only two things that a woman in your situation can do. You either accept the fact that for one reason or another you entered into a marriage with someone who may never feel the way about you that you feel about him, and just become reconciled to the fact that you've settled. Or, if your husband's obsession with this guy (or, more to the point, his need to be with a man or men) is too much for you to take, then decide to go for simple friendship instead of marriage.

If that won't work, then just move on. You can find love -- real love -- at any age.

The thing is, no matter how he feels about you, your husband may never stop hoping to find that special Mr. Right. And if he by chance finds him, where do you fit in?

In other words, gay men should be with men. Sorry, but there it is. It's not that I have no sympathy for your situation, but if you knew all about this guy's past you did, after all, walk in with your eyes open.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

"Kinkiness," HIV, and Gays

I was with my supposedly gay-friendly relatives the other day, and they seemed to be of the impression that gay men were much kinkier, "dirtier," in their sexual habits than straight people, and even implied that's why many gays had HIV. What is the truth about this? Angry in Albany.

There is absolutely nothing to suggest that gay men or lesbians are any kinkier or "dirtier"than heterosexuals. Any studies that suggest so are probably put together by homophobic Focus on the Family-type groups. Believe me, all of the sexual practices that some people might consider "edgier" -- water sports, rimming, anal intercourse, sadomasochism, and so on -- are practiced by heterosexuals as well as homosexuals. Besides, HIV can be spread by such "vanilla" [non-kinky or average] activities as "normal" heterosexual penetration. Tell your relatives that the heterosexual community, like the homosexual community, is quite diverse, and just because they don't practice the kinkier sexual stuff doesn't mean that's true of their straight friends or other straight people. Suggesting that the sexual habits of gay men are responsible for AIDS, for instance, is blatant homophobia.

Sadly, even in this day and age there are people (gay and straight, gay-friendly or not) who still see homosexuals as "abnormal" and kinky. [Not that there's anything wrong in being kinky!]