Straight Boyfriend with Anal Fetish?

I recently found out my ex bf has had his ex gf strap on a dildo and they did him from behind.. He wanted to tell me cuz we are trying to work things out. We did not brake up cuz of this situation...we broke up for different reasons.. He didn't want to tell me while were dating cuz he was scared I would judge him or brake up with him.. I asked him if he had been with men he said no, he said he does not find men attractive. He said he does not need it all the time but he likes it cuz it feels good. I'm not sure how to feel or what to do.. Any suggestion..

Thank you

I have met men with wives or girlfriends who have told me that the ladies in their lives strap on a dildo and penetrate them but these men identify as bisexual and may actually be gay. Sexuality can be confusing and complex, admittedly. All I can say is that many gay men do not like being anally penetrated ["tops"] so it seems odd that a straight man would. Your boyfriend sounds to me like a man who wants to have sex with men [a dildo is just a substitute for a penis] but doesn't see himself as gay or wants to be gay, probably due to what we call internalized homophobia -- his guilt and fear over his homosexual feelings. He could probably use some counseling to help him figure himself out and feel better about his homoerotic feelings. What started out as his girlfriend using a dildo may eventually turn into him seeking out male sex partners. Just to let you know.

Outdated Obsession with "Straight" Men

Lately I've been seeing a trend that I, at least, find kind of disturbing. All these ads in gay magazines to "come see hot naked straight guys" at this or that web site; there's even a porn mag devoted to supposedly straight guys geared to gay men. Isn't this alleged obsession with straight guys kind of out-of-date? Out and Proud Joe.

To those of us who are Out and Proud, Joe, yes it certainly is out of date. Certainly a gay man can find any kind of man attractive, but an obsession with [supposedly] straight guys is decidedly pre-Stonewall. It harks back to those days when people referred to some gay men as being "straight-acting." We now know -- or certainly should know -- that the gay male community is very diverse; you can find any type or kind of man you want, from femme to butch and everything in between. There is no need to pursue straight guys. Jerking off over a hot model regardless of whatever his sexual orientation might be is one thing, but if a gay man finds it more exciting that the guy might be straight, well let's say I think he has issues.

Although they are definitely in the minority, even today there are self-hating homos who think of straight men as being the ultimate treat. Some will pretend that it's merely a test of their seductive powers, but in reality they are so wracked with internalized homophobia that they hate the idea of being with a gay man, whom they see -- like themselves -- as being inferior. A real man, to them, is a straight man. No well-adjusted gay man has this attitude, of course.

Then there's the fact that if a straight man "succumbs" and has sex with another man, he's not really or totally straight, a little catch-22 that seems to fly over the heads of these straight-obsessed gentlemen. And, yes, that's true even if they're getting paid for it. Some self-hating homos only have sex for money (as hustlers or porn actors) so they can convince themselves that they're not really gay, they're only doing it for cash. Surrrreee.

And don't get me started on this moronic notion that some men who actively seek out other men for sex (outside of prison) are actually heterosexual.

Lastly, I recall an ad for one of these gay-oriented "straight guy" web sites which shows a guy riding off on a motorcycle with another guy as he leaves "the bitch" -- his girlfriend -- behind in the dust. This plays into another out-dated and especially unfair and pernicious notion that gay men are all ultimately misogynous.

Many of these sites, ads and magazines are not put together by gay people. And if they are, they are not what I'd call Out and Proud or at least up to date gay people with modern-day attitudes about gay men. They trade on stereotypes. For money.

I would suggest if one likes to go to sexy web sites, watch porn films, and the like, that you frequent those sites and purchase those films that feature openly, happily gay men.

And leave the "straight" or closeted ones to the self-hating homos.

As you can see, I have no opinion on this issue, LOL.

A Mass of Stupidities

I'll get back to answering questions very soon, but for my first post of 2009 I have to get a few things off my chest.

I started this blog because I was tired of reading all of the incredibly stupid things being said about the gay community by gays and straights alike.

Just a couple of nights ago I was flabbergasted when a patron at my local watering hole said that there was no homophobia. What? I told him he was completely out of it, mentioned the fight against marriage equality by the religious right (and others), anti-gay groups such as Focus on the Family (which has millions of dollars to spend on their homophobic campaigns), and groups like Exodus, which claim you can "pray away the gay." There are still 31 states in the U.S. where you can get fired merely for being gay. And countries where homosexuals are routinely put to death. Now. In the 21st century. Yes.

There are far too many gay people who remain blissfully unaware of what is going on in their own community and the dangers we still face, not to mention the amount of shame and internalized homophobia that stills exists in the homosexual [as opposed to the Out and Proud Gay] community. We can talk all we want about increased tolerance and acceptance (maybe), but that's not the same thing as being considered equal.

Recently I came across two message boards devoted to physical fitness, one gay, one straight. Ironically, the threads I came across had to do with the same subject (which I've covered more than once): straight guys working in gay bars.

On the gay message board a guy was understandably complaining because he thought a straight co-worker at the bar was doing his best to steal business -- and therefore tips-- away from him.

On the straight message board somebody asked other straight men if they would ever consider working in a gay bar.

The interesting thing is that on both threads some of the same old crap about gays, straight men, sexual identification, and so on was brought up for the umpteenth time. For instance:

* the moronic business about gay men allegedly being better tippers than straight. How did this ever get started? On the straight message board one guy insisted that gay men tip better because we're all rich -- he referred to antique dealers (one step above hairdressers, I guess) and the like. But some of the posters on the gay message board seemed to believe this shit too. There may be some gay men who tip a hot bartender a ridiculous amount of money the way some straight guys might over-tip a hot woman behind the bar, but most of us just tip what we feel is fair and can afford -- like most straight guys. I have never left a huge tip just because I thought the bartender was hot. I have observed the tipping habits of men in both straight and gay bars and have never seen any real difference, believe me.

*Then there's this nonsense about gay men all having a "thing" for straight guys. Well maybe if they're self-hating homos. Most out and proud gay men today know that the gay community is very diverse, and you can find just about anything you want -- including super-butch guys -- without having to pursue straight men. How pre-Stonewall can you get! Yet some of the guys on the gay message board forwarded this theory just like the straight guys did on the other message board. No wonder straight guys just don't get it. They pick up a lot of crap from gay acquaintances. (Or worse, episodes of Will and Grace).

[Of course we're dealing in both cases with jocks and physical fitness nuts -- not exactly intellectuals, although there are exceptions.] Most of these guys also seemed rather young, and therefore not as wise or experienced as older men, although I've also encountered many middle-aged morons. In fact the guy who made the comment about "no homophobia" was actually a senior citizen!

I also thought it amazing that the gay guys seemed completely unaware of the difference between sexual identity and sexual orientation, the fact that many men engage in gay sex and yet don't think of themselves as gay. Make no mistake that this on occasion applies to "straight" bartenders in gay bars. One gay poster even insisted that a certain bartender was certainly straight because he had a wife and kids. Jeez, over the years I've been hit on both off and on line by dozens of guys with wives and children!

Some of the gay jocks seemed okay with the idea of straight guys working in gay bars, suggesting (without necessarily using the term) that it was heterophobic to object to their employment. I wonder what they would think if they read the thread in the straight jock web site. While some of the responses were completely homophobic -- suggesting that a straight bartender would be assaulted in the men's' room, or grossed out by guys' kissing and having to watch "perversion" -- even the ones who said they'd consider working in a gay bar (or had already done so) creeped me out a bit. None of them seemed to really give a shit about gay people; it was all about them. One wrote: "Being around gay people makes me feel better about myself (superiority complex or some shit)" -- so he'd be willing to work in a gay bar.

[Say, isn't this just what we gay guys need, straight (or straight-identified) bartenders who feel superior to us! Or ones who are convinced that they'll get great tips because (they think) they're so damn hot. And, unfortunately, I've met more than a couple of bartenders like these. Guys who don't give a damn about the gay community yet are more than happy to take our hard-earned money.

But all this is just the frozen tip of the iceberg of imbecility that seems to emerge from people of all sexual orientations when they write about the gay community.

So Dr. Bill is going to continue his mission of educating both gays and straights and cutting through the bullshit -- and there is a lot of it out there. Way too much. This blog may soon be undergoing a name change -- a full explanation is forthcoming.

Until then: Stay out of trouble and have hot safe sex!

Kinder and Gentler?

I'm a straight woman, but it seems to me that gay men tend to be nicer, gentler people than straight men? Am I correct on this or way off-base? G.

Well I'm sure there are a lot of women who may feel as you do -- but it's probably because a gay man isn't likely to give you the grief that a straight boyfriend or husband can. Straight women can fall in love with gay men and become heart-broken, but it usually isn't because the gay man has led them on.

The image of gay men as being nicer and gentler -- that is, softer -- is why a lot of people think erroneously that gay men aren't tough enough to serve in the military. As I've often said, we're a diversified bunch. I've met gay men who are very sweet people who'd never hurt a soul, and gay men who are real S.O.Bs. Ditto for straight men. You've heard women complain about guys who say they're gonna call but never do or otherwise mistreat them? Well, some gay men often have the same complaint about the gay guys they date.

Gay men may be more open-minded and less sexist than their straight counterparts, but in general gay men come in all varieties, some nice, some not so nice. We're just people, after all. And we are men, with all -- good or bad or in-between -- that implies.

On the other side of the coin, there are people -- including, sadly, gay people -- who think that gay men are somehow worse than straight men in certain ways. In his book The Price of Achievement: Coming Out in Reagan Days (1995), which I just caught up with, Gay Republican (!) W. Scott Thompson states that gay men are more likely to steal and lie! This is probably because Thompson, who had been married with children before coming out, expected that only straight men took somebody's phone number, said they were gonna call, and didn't. (He broke up with a second fiancee by letter!!!) He also invited guests to gay parties at his Dupont Circle townhouse and some of them stole the silverware. But this is a guy who admittedly picked up good-looking tramps on the street and brought them home, supposedly to help improve their lot in life, so you can imagine his choice of party guests wasn't too ideal. [May I say that Thompson's book is stimulating, thought-provoking and well-written, but I disagree with his generalizations of gay men (possibly motivated by a degree of buried but not obliterated self-hatred?) Republicans!

Gay men are no more likely to steal from their friends or lie to people than anyone else, and it is outrageous to suggest so.

Settling Scores

A straight guy who works at a mixed (gay and straight) bar in my town seems friendly on the surface, but when he's holding court over some of his straight friends he makes generalizations about gays that, frankly, make my blood boil. (I don't think he knows what my orientation is because I'm not stereotypical.) Gay men are this, gay men are that. I wouldn't necessarily say he's outright homophobic, but it's like he ignores the realities and diversities of the gay men who come into the bar and spews out these same old stereotypical notions. What do I do about it? Anon.

Say something. But first, go into the bar with a male date and make out at the bar right in front of this schmo. That way he'll know he'd better watch his step around you and watch what he says. Then the next time he says something stupid, definitely call him on it. Or say something before then. It's a perfect opportunity to educate someone. If he's an intelligent person, he can learn from what you have to say. If he's an asshole -- and he just might be -- then you're wasting your breath. But still try it. If this is a bar that welcomes gays and takes their money, why should you have to put up with his dumb remarks?

I can relate to what you say that even though he works in a bar with many gay customers he only sees what he wants to see. Some straight-identified men are only comfortable with gay men who fit into their narrow notions of what it means to be a gay man. It's like the rest of us are invisible. It's similar to white racists who only see African-Americans in limited terms, and can't see the diversity of that community even when it's staring them in the face.

Lastly, even people who seem gay-friendly can be homophobic or have some outdated, homophobic notions. Don't simmer in silence. Confront them on it. It may make for an unpleasant experience if the person you confront is a jerk, but maybe you'll get a pleasant surprise.

In any case, don't let him get away with it.

Who's Kinky?

Are gay men kinkier than straight men, perhaps in that they're more open to trying new things? Anon.

Interesting question. Right off the bat I'd say that kinkiness -- an interest in outre or unconventional sexual practices -- has little to do with sexual orientation. Lots of people, male or female of all persuasions, have kinks or fetishes -- this is entirely normal. There are probably yahoo groups devoted to every type of kink or fetish imaginable, some of which you may find erotic and others disgusting.

Gay men were (and in some quarters still are) considered sexual outlaws, so some of them may be more open to experimentation than straight men. But if a straight man or woman finds something to be a particular turn on (and it isn't illegal, immoral or fattening -- and even if it is) they may be just as likely to indulge in a little kinkiness now and then or even on a regular basis especially if it's a big, big turn-on for them.

Aspects of the leather/s&m scene have always been considered a little kinky and fetishistic. And while the leather scene has always been a vibrant part of the gay scene, the fact is that there are heterosexual men and women who are leather and s&m/b&d enthusiasts.

So ultimately I'd have to say that gay men -- some of whom are downright conventional in their sexual habits -- are not "kinkier" than straight men.

Gay Cosmetics Line?

Do you think a make-up line specifically geared for gay men would do good business? JP.

First of all, I can't imagine many of the gay guys I know, many of whom are bears, would be interested in wearing make-up. Drag queens might buy make up, but the average gay guy is simply a guy, and like most guys, has no interest in wearing make-up. Also, we've got to get past this whole straight/gay business when it comes to men and what they like and dislike. I've already mentioned that there are straight guys who are neat, fastidious and clothes-conscious, and gay men who are slobs and couldn't care less about fashion. Some men -- gay and straight -- dye their hair as they get older; others -- again, gay and straight -- wouldn't think of it. I'm sure there are men who might wear bronzer to give themselves a tanned appearance, or some kind of cosmetic cover up to put over a blemish, but I think it has less to do with their orientation as to how much they care about their appearance. It's ridiculous to suggest that all gay men, or only gay men, care about how they look.

Not saying some cosmetics, depending on what they are, specifically geared to gay men might not sell, but if you're talking about lipstick or eye shadow I can't imagine it being a very large market, as only transvestites would have any interest in such products.

Doomed Infatuation

I fear my friend is heading down a dark path. He has become very good friends -- or so he says -- with a much younger man who identifies as straight. My friend says his feelings for this younger man are strictly platonic, but the way he goes on about him it is very clear that he is smitten. I believe the young man is deeply conflicted and in any case will ultimately never allow any older gay man to become too close to him; the possibility of any real relationship is remote. I'm afraid my friend is going to get very hurt but I don't know what to do about it. George.

Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.

In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.

Gay-Friendly Homophobia

I am a gay man whose best friend for many years is straight. He just found out his son is gay and he isn't dealing with it very well. Frankly, I'm flabbergasted, as he knows I'm well-adjusted and happy. No, he hasn't talked about sending the young man -- he's twenty-four -- in for shock therapy or anything like that, but he keeps trying to convince him he's not gay and gets angry at me when I tell him that his son seems pretty certain. I think this is the end of a long-time friendship. Sam.

Sadly, there are many straight and straight-identified people who -- on an intellectual level -- are perfectly supportive of gays but on a deep down level have issues to deal with, especially when it relates to themselves or their loved ones. Since I assume you've been openly gay with him for years, it's unfortunate to say the least that he can't deal with his own son's sexual orientation, but this is not as uncommon as you may think. Part of it may be his concern for his son's welfare (discrimination) and health (AIDS is still seen by many as a "gay" disease even though it shouldn't be), but I sense that on a deeper level his reaction is blatantly homophobic, especially as he's not being at all supportive of his son.

He may come around when he gets used to the idea. Or he may not. It just goes to show that often gay people are merely tolerated by some straight friends instead of truly being accepted as equals. Don't give up on this long-lasting friendship right away -- tell him how you feel in no uncertain terms -- and be supportive of his son, but if things don't show signs of improving this is one "friend" you can do without. Hopefully his son's coming out may help him to understand you better.

Youth and Beauty?

Why are gay people so obsessed with youth and beauty? Why can't they see past a person's outer surface and appreciate what's on the inside? M

Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."

But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.

I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)

So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.

Good luck!

Crush on a Straight Guy?

I am a gay man in my twenties and I am infatuated with a friend of mine, who I think is gay. He does not say he is gay but has never had a steady girlfriend -- although he has dated -- and doesn't really seem that interested in women. How can you tell for sure if someone else is gay? I really would like to go to the next level with him but don't want to waste my time if he's straight and get hurt. WR

Well, it could be that he's gay, but it also could be that his seeming disinterest in women is wish-fulfillment on your part. Maybe not. I am assuming he knows you're gay? If not, then coming out to him will probably be the best way of finding out if he, too, is gay. There is no sure way of definitely knowing someone is gay (aside from intimacy) no matter how convinced you may be that he is. If you have good reason to think he's gay -- your "gaydar" is on high alert -- then talking about it with him may be helpful, but be prepared for a negative reaction if he's deeply conflicted.

The trouble is that you're not the best person to help him come out because you have such a stake in it -- your attraction and romantic attachment toward him. Perhaps there's a mutual friend who could sensitively broach the subject for you? You might be so desperate to have him be gay that you might go overboard in your protestations, which will not help at all. (I've been there.)

The thing to remember is that even if he's gay, he won't be much good to you as long as he is closeted, repressed, or conflicted -- he might as well be straight. If you get nowhere with him, it might be best to decide if you think you can realistically handle being "just friends" or if it will be necessary to part company for your own sanity -- that is, your need to get over him and move on.

When you are infatuated with someone, it may seem as if you just can't bear even the thought of not having them in your life, but the truth is that you can get over them. All it takes is meeting someone who can play back your feelings, and brother, they're out there, believe me!

Ultimately it's so much better to hang out with a guy who feels the same way about you than it is to spend your time pining for someone who might well be unattainable.

Let me know how it goes.

Gay Men and Lesbians

I don't mean to offend, but I always get the impression that gay men and lesbians do not like each other. I know its cliche to say that gay people hate members of the opposite sex, but I think this is different cause gay men and straight women seem to get along. Why can't gay men and lesbians get along? S in Phoenix.

Generally I think gay men and lesbians do get along as they are both subject to persecution as homosexuals. I know many gay men who have lesbian friends and vice versa. Sometimes there is a connection between gay men and straight women because both are attracted to males, but this doesn't seem to have carried over in the same way to lesbians and straight men, although certainly they can be friends as well.

So it's not so much that gay men and lesbians don't get along but that they have different interests, and in general people prefer to hang out with others like themselves. As women, lesbians feel that they have issues to deal with -- sexism, for instance -- that gay men do not have to contend with, although a link has been established between misogyny and homophobia (men who hate women often hate homosexuals because they supposedly remind them of women).

Of course some gay men can have sexist attitudes as much as their hetero counterparts. (On the other hand, many gay men are much more understanding of women, because they, too, relate to being discriminated against and looked down upon.) A few gay men have issues with lesbians in particular, primarily because they prefer the company of other (gay) men and don't form friendships with gay women and get to know them, or because they feel some lesbians have no use for men.

The reality is that the gay community is very diverse and misunderstandings between the sexes can certainly occur. But in my experience, most -- if, sadly, not all -- gay men and lesbians are perfectly respectful of one another.