Dr. Bill. Thank you for the website. I read all your posts about possibly gay boyfriends and would love it if you could judge my situation. My boyfriend is kinda of feminine...gestures, tone of voice, posture, likes chick flicks, pretty sensitive...all those stereotypes. If I bring up homosexuality in general, he is cool about it, very liberal. His family seems very traditional since college he lived in a very liberal environment with a lot of options to come out if he wanted. I asked him if he ever experimented with a guy...he said many years ago he had kinda a dry spell with dating girls and he and a gay friend were joking about maybe him being attracted to guys...and they kissed to try it...and he didn't like it and never wanted to try again. He did have a couple of long-term relationship with women in the past and he is late 20s.
Oh, and I read on the web that scientists determined that testosterone level affects lengths of second and forth fingers (weird but apparently true) --[I doubt it -- Dr. Bill] -- and that based on their study very feminine women's and gay men's ring fingers are shorter than point fingers (straight men's ring fingers are longer). So his are like...very feminine or [like] gay men :) !!!!
So, do I have a real reason to be concerned? I would really love your opinion.
If your concern has to do with testosterone levels and other ridiculous stuff that you've read on the web, I would say "no." First of all, male homosexuality has nothing to do with testosterone levels. Gay men do not have less testosterone that straight men. If that were the case, there would be no gay "bears" -- very hairy [and often very macho] gay guys -- or gay men who are bald. [Typical "male pattern baldness," which affects many men regardless of their sexual orientation, is actually caused by an excess of testosterone. ] And for the record, the vast majority of gay men aren't effeminate.
Nothing that you've said about your boyfriend would be an automatic indication of homosexuality. There are straight men who are sensitive, artistic, like "chick flicks" just as there are gay men who are insensitive, have no artistic bent, and wouldn't be caught dead at a "chick flick." We have to get beyond stereotypes. The business about the fingers is just junk science, and I wouldn't take it seriously. If we were to go by this ring finger nonsense, I would be a heterosexual man, and believe me, I'm not.
As I've said before, you should worry/wonder that your boyfriend may be gay if you find gay porn in his apartment, on his computer, if he stares at/flirts with other guys, is registered on a gay dating site, gets sexy, romantic emails from men, and so on. The fact that he is cool with gay people probably just means that he's cool.
As for his experimentation with a gay friend ... that might raise a red flag, but if he was a little drunk, just tried a quick peck to see what it was like... He didn't have sex with the guy or make out with him passionately, so chances are it was done for a laugh and nothing more. [Or maybe he just kissed the wrong guy!]
Seriously, if I were you I would just enjoy that you've got a sensitive boyfriend who can take you to a "chick flick" now and then and is open-minded.
Showing posts with label dating tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating tips. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Yet another gal with possibly gay boyfriend
I recently met a guy who is about 6 years older than me and proclaimed he is looking for a real relationship and marriage. He talks a good game about what a great guy he is and he knows how to treat a lady, no problem with paying the bills, blah blah blah. But I truly suspect that he is gay. He says things like he's tired of giving himself to someone and having it go nowhere. He also texted me pictures of himself that I can't see any straight man having ever sent. Lastly he never talks about sex. I threw a few innuendos out there like a fisherman casting a net... Trying to give him the opportunity to come clean but he totally avoids it. Is it rude to ask him out right, before this goes any further, I have suspicions about you being gay, are you?
Frankly, nothing you've said about the guy necessarily adds up to his being gay or raises any red flags with me. You don't describe the photos, but nowadays even straight guys pose for and send out sexy pictures of themselves. Straight men can also "give of themselves" to women and wind up heartbroken. It may simply be that this guy is different from other straight guys that you've dated who may have had commitment phobia or otherwise been insensitive.
Rather than flat out asking him if he's gay you can at least get his attitudes toward the subject by casually mentioning a gay friend, talking about gay marriage or gays in the military, starting a discussion on the subject. Make it clear you have no problem with gay people [I hope you don't] because if he is gay he probably won't come out to you. A virulently homophobic man is often hiding something, which could be repressed homosexual feelings or some other feelings of inadequacy.
If all else fails you can laugh and tell him "I've never met a straight guy like you before. You're not gay, are you, ha, ha?"
You might find this post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay helpful. Good luck.
Frankly, nothing you've said about the guy necessarily adds up to his being gay or raises any red flags with me. You don't describe the photos, but nowadays even straight guys pose for and send out sexy pictures of themselves. Straight men can also "give of themselves" to women and wind up heartbroken. It may simply be that this guy is different from other straight guys that you've dated who may have had commitment phobia or otherwise been insensitive.
Rather than flat out asking him if he's gay you can at least get his attitudes toward the subject by casually mentioning a gay friend, talking about gay marriage or gays in the military, starting a discussion on the subject. Make it clear you have no problem with gay people [I hope you don't] because if he is gay he probably won't come out to you. A virulently homophobic man is often hiding something, which could be repressed homosexual feelings or some other feelings of inadequacy.
If all else fails you can laugh and tell him "I've never met a straight guy like you before. You're not gay, are you, ha, ha?"
You might find this post on Asking Your Boyfriend If He's Gay helpful. Good luck.
Thursday, March 6, 2008
Looks Discrimination
Although I am young, 24, I do not have the requisite 'hot body' or 'handsome face' that seems obligatory if you are to get a lover in the gay world. Hot guys turn up their noses at me, and I am forced to have sex with trolls. So what advice, Dr. Bill, would you have for those of us who do not fit into the required hot looks category? Anon.
"Forced to have sex with trolls," huh? Do you see how hypocritical you're being? You complain about not being good-looking enough to attract hot guys, then you turn around and put down the men who are attracted to you because they're not hot enough.
In other words you're exhibiting the same superficial mentality of the men that you say "turn up their noses" at you.
Gay or straight, it's easy to get bitter if you're not conventionally attractive in this world. But there's so much more to landing a man than good looks. I know guys who have such a dynamic personality, warmth and humor that they can practically talk their way into anybody's bed. (I am by no means conventionally handsome -- nor young by today's standards --but I'm often surprised how young and attractive many of my partners are.) A lot has to do with self-confidence and your own attitude toward yourself and others. If you walk into a bar with an "attitude," glaring at all those around you who dare not to be attracted to you, you
will probably turn off anyone who does find you attractive.
Let's get past this hokey, old-fashioned notion that all gay men -- or even most -- are superficially obsessed with youth and looks. Sure, everybody likes a good-looking guy, but you have to expand upon what "good-looking" is. In the gay bear community, for instance, paunches, bald heads, and hairy bodies -- turn-offs to many gay men -- are assets. There are other attributes, such as masculinity, a sense of humor, a sheer vibrant sensuality, that can make up for a lack of traditional good looks.
You can't blame "hot" guys for going after other hot guys when you yourself are doing the same thing.
The truth is most men -- gay or straight -- do not conform to the buff body, chiseled features stereotype of the professional male model or porn star (not all of whom are universally lusted after in any case. I frequently see models and porn stars that I am not in the least attracted to, and vice versa, I'm sure). But most men still get laid and find love, right? Stop being trapped by your own narrow vision of what's attractive.
With a new attitude, less hatred for yourself and contempt for others who don't fit neatly into the "hot" category, you may find not only hot safe sex but love.
Remember that some of those "trolls" are in their own way attractive men who are looking for love just as you are.
"Forced to have sex with trolls," huh? Do you see how hypocritical you're being? You complain about not being good-looking enough to attract hot guys, then you turn around and put down the men who are attracted to you because they're not hot enough.
In other words you're exhibiting the same superficial mentality of the men that you say "turn up their noses" at you.
Gay or straight, it's easy to get bitter if you're not conventionally attractive in this world. But there's so much more to landing a man than good looks. I know guys who have such a dynamic personality, warmth and humor that they can practically talk their way into anybody's bed. (I am by no means conventionally handsome -- nor young by today's standards --but I'm often surprised how young and attractive many of my partners are.) A lot has to do with self-confidence and your own attitude toward yourself and others. If you walk into a bar with an "attitude," glaring at all those around you who dare not to be attracted to you, you
will probably turn off anyone who does find you attractive.
Let's get past this hokey, old-fashioned notion that all gay men -- or even most -- are superficially obsessed with youth and looks. Sure, everybody likes a good-looking guy, but you have to expand upon what "good-looking" is. In the gay bear community, for instance, paunches, bald heads, and hairy bodies -- turn-offs to many gay men -- are assets. There are other attributes, such as masculinity, a sense of humor, a sheer vibrant sensuality, that can make up for a lack of traditional good looks.
You can't blame "hot" guys for going after other hot guys when you yourself are doing the same thing.
The truth is most men -- gay or straight -- do not conform to the buff body, chiseled features stereotype of the professional male model or porn star (not all of whom are universally lusted after in any case. I frequently see models and porn stars that I am not in the least attracted to, and vice versa, I'm sure). But most men still get laid and find love, right? Stop being trapped by your own narrow vision of what's attractive.
With a new attitude, less hatred for yourself and contempt for others who don't fit neatly into the "hot" category, you may find not only hot safe sex but love.
Remember that some of those "trolls" are in their own way attractive men who are looking for love just as you are.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Youth and Beauty?
Why are gay people so obsessed with youth and beauty? Why can't they see past a person's outer surface and appreciate what's on the inside? M
Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."
But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.
I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)
So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.
Good luck!
Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."
But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.
I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)
So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.
Good luck!
Cruising Roommates
I recently spent a very nice night with a man who has a roommate -- not a lover. I run into the roommate in the bars a lot and we find each other attractive, too. My question is -- is it bad form, tacky, for me to go home with a trick's roommate, especially as it's only been a week or so. How long should I wait? Or should I just stick to the first guy? B in Boston.
That depends. Was this a one-night-stand or is the first guy someone you want to keep seeing? If that's the case, then "dating" -- or sleeping with -- his roommate may not be the best idea. It may be fun to have two guys competing for your favors, but it won't be fun for them and, ultimately, it won't be much fun for you, either.
Are you certain these two are only "roommates?" Sometimes guys have a kind of loose, open relationship, but it's still a relationship. I assume they have separate bedrooms. Since the first guy didn't ask the roommate to hop in for a threesome, he really may not like you dating the other guy.
One thing I suggest is that you ask the other guy exactly what's going on, and if he feels sleeping with you would cause problems with his roommate. You can always wait until the first guy is out of town.
By the way, has the second guy actually asked you home yet? You may be attracted to each other but that doesn't mean he plans to poach on his roommate's preserve.
And as always, baby -- stick to safe sex!
That depends. Was this a one-night-stand or is the first guy someone you want to keep seeing? If that's the case, then "dating" -- or sleeping with -- his roommate may not be the best idea. It may be fun to have two guys competing for your favors, but it won't be fun for them and, ultimately, it won't be much fun for you, either.
Are you certain these two are only "roommates?" Sometimes guys have a kind of loose, open relationship, but it's still a relationship. I assume they have separate bedrooms. Since the first guy didn't ask the roommate to hop in for a threesome, he really may not like you dating the other guy.
One thing I suggest is that you ask the other guy exactly what's going on, and if he feels sleeping with you would cause problems with his roommate. You can always wait until the first guy is out of town.
By the way, has the second guy actually asked you home yet? You may be attracted to each other but that doesn't mean he plans to poach on his roommate's preserve.
And as always, baby -- stick to safe sex!
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