Crabby

Hello Dr. Bill,

First, thank you for your time in answering this question.

I am a 50-year-old gay man and have been out since I was 16.  I lead a rather conventional suburban lifestyle in the SF Bay Area.  A few years back, I ended a 17 year relationship and I have been with my current boyfriend for two years. We don't live together but we are in a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship.

I would hate to think that I am being naive, but what are the chances of getting crabs without having had sex with someone?  I got them but I did not have sex with anyone and my boyfriend said he did not have sex with anyone as well.  I have not tried on new clothes or slept in anyone else's bed.  I am completely baffled on how I could have gotten these little "buggers."

Any light you can shed would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you, again.

 

Well, first let me make it clear that yes, you can get crabs without having sex with anyone, but there are certain conditions. The problem in your case is that you have not shared anyone's clothing, slept in someone else's bed, and presumably have not shared towels with anyone, either. That eliminates most of the possibilities. Technically, I suppose one could get crabs from a toilet seat if you use it not long after an infected person has been sitting there, but remember that crabs do not live too long away from the warmth of the host body -- and they have little reason to leave it just to hang out on a toilet seat. Is it possible that your boyfriend borrowed clothing from someone, or crashed in someone's apartment [without necessarily having sex with them]?

However, the truth is that people generally wind up with crab lice after having sex -- or at least some kind of close physical contact -- with someone else. Perhaps your boyfriend can shed some light on where he picked them up? Or perhaps be a little more honest? But remember, if he did have a one-night-stand, don't over-react. Sometimes these things happen and they really don't mean anything. 

That being said, most people can forgive an occasional "indiscretion" more than they can getting crabs -- especially without the pleasure of sex!

When Lovers Become Friends

I'm hoping that you can help with this. I respect your opinion and I'd love to know how you feel about this situation. It's like this. My lover and I have been together many years and are both in our forties. Our sex life pretty much died two or three years ago. This greatly distresses me, as I am a sexual person and am still attracted to my lover, and he says he's still attracted to me [but doesn't act like he means it.] He has put on quite a bit of weight and while I still love him and want to make love to him, I think he is very self-conscious. I am not drop-dead gorgeous by any means, but I still have no trouble attracting men. Frankly, I am horny as hell and would like to get it on with some of the guys who come on to me when I'm in a bar. I've told my lover that it's just sex, animal passion, that my having an encounter [safe sex ONLY] or a fuck buddy or something to take the edge off would not mean I love him any less, but he's adamant that true love means you remain monogamous. I'm too young to just give up on sex the way he has. I've told him that rather than lying to him and "cheating" on him and going behind his back, that if we can't have an open relationship I'd rather we just become friends; I don't want to hurt him. He says that breaking up with him would hurt him even more. It seems to me the only solution is that we remain friends but accept that we are no longer lovers. We could still be there for each other, as friends are, but no longer in a relationship that has been devoid of sex and passion for far too long. What do you think? Anon.

Here's what I think. I pretty much agree with you. If this guy loves you, I can't see why he can't make love to you. I appreciate the fact that he may have become self-conscious, but he should be happy that in spite of the weight gain he's got a.) a hot, attractive lover who is still rarin' to go and b.) a lover who wants to get it on with him. What's his problem?

It's true that many couples -- gay or straight -- become more friends and less lovers as the years go by, but if a couple can keep that flame of passion burning, they certainly should.

Your lover is going through a difficult time. He feels he's lost his attractiveness and is terrified of losing you -- who are still attracting men -- to someone else, maybe one of those potential one-night-stands or fuck buddies. If you break up, he can see you with someone else but he can't see himself with somebody else. You probably have no desire to have a new man in your life in the romantic sense (although a little romance or romantic fling probably wouldn't hurt) but because of his inferiority complex he just can't understand that.

It's situations like this that have always made me a believer in sensible open relationships [safe sex must always be a factor].

My advice is to work on his image problem. Get him to a bear bar where big guys are often openly admired. If that doesn't work, gently suggest that he get a little more exercise and watch what he eats. You may have to be pretty blunt with him. Tell him that you like him fine the way he is, but he obviously is self-conscious about his appearance and you want to help him feel better about himself. Tread carefully. He may be super-sensitive on the subject. Still, if he thinks he'll lose you ...

You must make it clear that it's not how he looks that's the problem, but that there is no sex in the relationship and sex is important to you. If his image problem is the reason he won't make love to you, it is something that you both have to address, and that he has to attend to if he wants the two of you to continue as a couple. This is also true if the problem is a low sex drive or something else. People who give up all sex are sometimes suffering from depression or other medical conditions; if necessary make sure he gets a complete check up.

Think long and hard about breaking up, however. If this relationship is important to you and if it's working in other regards, then you may not want to throw it away too quickly. It can be easy to have sex; but not so easy to land a compatible lifetime partner. While I can't heartily recommend this, it may be that you'll have to have some encounters on the sly just to keep your sexual sanity. Everyone has a right to have a sex life and don't dare feel guilty about it or Dr. Bill will come after you!

But I'm hoping your lover will understand what's at stake. Either he goes for an open relationship, he improves his image and therefore his sexual self-esteem, or he settles for friendship while you get laid and possibly move on.

Good luck.

Getting Lucky -- Or Not

On your recent post on "The Revenge of 'Fats and Femmes'" you talk about how guys sometimes come on to and go home with other guys who are much less attractive and you give various reasons for it. But isn't the number one reason that guys are just drunk and horny and don't realize what they've got in bed with them until they wake up the next morning? Anon.

LOL, Well, there is that old saying that if you get drunk you may wind up having sex with someone you wouldn't even want to talk to in the daylight.

And that other old saying: a stiff dick has no conscience.

Sure, of course it's true that some sex hook ups (gay or straight) happen because one or both parties are way too inebriated. And it's also true that a horny guy near closing time will often consent to go home with a guy who really isn't his type just so he can get a damn good blow job. (Hopefully. Sometimes they just pass out and you're left holding the ... ).

However, what I was talking about in the other post is reasonably sober guys who for one reason or another are attracted to men that you wouldn't think they would be.

While we're on this subject may I take the opportunity to importune people who do wind up in bed with someone they normally wouldn't go for to at least be kind in the morning. There's no point in hurting somebody's feelings just because you got too drunk.

Besides, sooner or later we all get lucky and wind up with somebody who's way out of our league.

Gay Dating Etiquette

I’m just out of the closet and not certain of proper gay etiquette. If another gay man asks me to his apartment should I assume he’s expecting sex? If a guy wants me to have dinner with him is that a date or just two friends going out? And how can you tell the difference? Anon.

The first thing you have to remember is that gay men are as capable of having strictly platonic friendships as straight men are. And every man is attracted to different types and individuals. If a man asks you to his apartment it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s expecting sex, but it depends on the circumstances. If you’re in a bar and the guy is giving you signals that he’s attracted to you, then he’s probably inviting you home for a one-night-stand. This is true even if he says he’s asking you home for a "drink" or "coffee." Generally if the man is not interested in sex, he’ll make that clear somehow, saying something like "just to talk." (Although even in that situation a guy could always hit on you.) If you’re interested in talking but not in having sex, you can suggest that you go to a coffee shop instead of his apartment. If a man asks you what you like to do [in bed], he’s definitely after a sex hook up.

As for going out to dinner, that can be a romantic date or just two friends having dinner. Sometimes what begins as a platonic friendship can blossom into something more; the problem is when one individual wants to "upgrade" the relationship and the other one is happy just being friends.

In general, guys will give you signals that they’re"interested" in you in a more than platonic fashion. Some guys just come right out and say so. Others make passes or flirt (although flirting is not always a sign of sexual attraction or at least an interest in hooking up). Some guys are very good at hiding their feelings – they’re not sure of how you feel about them – and then spring it at you unexpectedly. But in most cases there will be clear signs that a man is interested in you romantically and/or sexually (and the two don’t always go together).

Admittedly, when it comes to gay men, our sexuality is a factor that straight guys don’t have to think about when it comes to male-male friendships. But it’s also true that most gay men have loving, close friendships with other men that are not "encumbered" with a romantic or sexual factor. Two guys who are just there for each other, which is the whole point of friendship.

And then there are "fuck buddies" – what straight people call "friends with benefits" – friends who on occasion have sex without romantic complications. But I’ll save a discussion of that for another post.

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!

Bars vs. Online Dating

You've written about being careful about who you meet online. But don't you have to be even more careful in bars, especially if you're drinking? At least online you have a clear head. Anon.

Well, maybe you do. A picture of a hot guy or a massive member attached to a private message on a gay dating site can make some men take any risk. There are some things you can do to protect yourself from bad scenes if you meet someone in a bar:

1.) Don't get so crap-faced that you don't know what you're doing or who you're doing it with.

2.) Carry plenty of condoms. Most bars have jars full of them, or ask the bartender.

3.) If someone seems too good to be true -- they're definitely way out of your league -- maybe they have less than pleasant motives for wanting to get together.

4.) Ask the other customers, preferably regulars, as well as the bartender, if they know the guy you're planning to go off with. Is he a complete stranger to everyone? Is he well-known as a nice guy in the bar?

5.) If you go off with a stranger, make sure you introduce him to a few people, and that he knows that they know who you're going off with.

6.) If someone is sending out bad signals, listen to your brain and don't go with him.

7.) Don't bring a complete stranger that no one can vouch for to your home. Bringing them to your hotel room is also a bad idea. If you want to go home with someone, stay out of private houses in isolated areas until you know them better. Going to somebody else's hotel room is generally safer.

8.) Sick to safe sex! Many guys do not know their HIV status, lie about it, or do not volunteer the information. But if you stick to safe sex, that won't be a problem.

The advantage that bars have over online dating is that at least you're meeting the guy face to face and you can immediately tell if the chemistry is there (unless it's more a question of alcohol-induced lust). If you're not drunk you can size the person up. You're seeing what they really look like and not a possibly doctored or older photograph.

Remember, play safe and have a great time.

Finding Mr. Right

Hi. My name is J. I recently came out or should I say all my family said we know, J, you don't have to tell us, we know. Now that I am out I don't know what to do. I want to be in a relationship but it seems that every guy that I have seen wants a quicky, but I want a long-term relationship. I am from the south and am a hopeless romantic and it seems that I've lost hope in finding Mr. Right. Do you have any ideas on finding someone looking for the same thing I am. Thanks, J.

I could be wrong but I have the feeling you're a pretty young guy, so I wouldn't give up hope just yet on finding Mr. Right. That's still the case even if you're middle-aged or older. Finding and falling in love with the right person (and vice versa) takes time. Even when you think you may have found the right guy, it still takes time to fall deeply and maturely in love with someone. Many people confuse romantic infatuation and sexual attraction with love, but love takes much longer to grow and bloom. It's possible that the guys you meet who want quickies are a bit scared off by your obvious need for a lover -- give them time to get to really know you before you start talking about love and commitment. "Hopeless romantics" can often fall in love simply with the idea of being in love. Slow down and things may move faster, if you know what I mean.

It's also true that each person is ready for a committed relationship at a different time in his life. In your case you may have to face the fact that if you're fresh out of the closet you may not be quite ready for a relationship just yet. What's the hurry? Sow a little wild oats and see what's out there before tying yourself down. Some people want to be in a long-term relationship while they're still in their twenties, and others aren't ready until they're over fifty. However, nowadays there are gay guys only in their twenties who are living together, getting married, making a commitment to one another for a lifetime. So guys who are looking for love and long-term relationships, as you are, are out there, believe me!

Where do you find them? Probably not in bars. If your city has any kind of gay center you might investigate if there are social groups for men of your age. There you can get to know someone over time in an atmosphere that isn't strictly sexual, as it often is in bars. Sometimes the friendships you make in these groups can blossom into love. There are also different kinds of gay social groups on the Internet and there's a possibility of making a connection there with someone in your city. While you have to exercise caution, there is also a possibility of meeting Mr. Right on a gay dating site -- it's happened. Check out various sites and make it clear that you are looking for a serious relationship and not just sex. (Remember that sex -- safe sex -- is part of the dating process. That doesn't mean you have to hop into bed with a guy on the first date, but eventually you'll both want to see if you're compatible.) You may have to meet and date several guys before finding the one who's just right for you, and who will hopefully feel the same.

If you decide to go the Internet dating route, be as honest and as thorough as possible on your profile. Your tastes, interests, likes, dislikes, whether you smoke or drink, and so on. Don't expect perfection -- it doesn't exist. The guy you're looking for will be amenable to having a drink or coffee with you for your first date and won't ask you to come over for a quickie (Don't go to a total stranger's house -- or invite them to yours -- under any circumstances. In any case, you'll want to meet them first just to check them out.) People can lie, but you can often pick out the honest guys from the liars by how open and forthcoming they are. You don't want to start dating a guy who already has a lover or -- yikes! -- a wife. (Unfortunately gay dating sites have been infiltrated by these guys. Sometimes they're upfront about their situation, but more often they're not.)

But don't be discouraged. It is often true that you have to kiss a lot of toads to find a prince, but
eventually you'll find the right guy -- or he'll find you.

Good luck and let me know if I can help with anything else.

Separating Friends from Lovers

A couple of months ago I met a really nice guy and we really hit it off. We had a one-night-stand, which I now think was a mistake. I care for this guy very much and want him in my life, but only as a friend. He's made it pretty clear that his feelings for me are more sexual and romantic. He's hinted broadly that he wants to sleep with me again, but I've managed to get out of it so far. I'm tired of making excuses. How can I tell him the truth without hurting him? Terry.

I'm sorry to say that there's probably no way to do that. If he's developed strong feelings for you, he's going to be hurt. This is a very difficult situation for both of you, but especially for him because unrequited lusts and infatuations really suck. I assume when the two of you hit the sheets you were both a little snookered?

It seems to me you have a couple of options. You can tell him that no matter how much fun you had, you never go to bed with the same person twice -- so many men, so little time -- that sort of thing. The trouble with this option is that as you and he become better friends he may see that this is a lie. The second option is just to keep dodging the sex thing until he finally gets the message. The third option is to just tell him in as warm and compassionate manner as you can that you only want to be friends with him, that you care for him and think he's a great guy that -- as you put it -- you want in your life but only platonically. He may be able to get past the inevitable humiliation, accept that you and he are just not meant to be, and keep you as a friend, but if he's a little hung up on you, he might need to move on to get over you. And that's something that you'll have to accept.

Cruising Roommates

I recently spent a very nice night with a man who has a roommate -- not a lover. I run into the roommate in the bars a lot and we find each other attractive, too. My question is -- is it bad form, tacky, for me to go home with a trick's roommate, especially as it's only been a week or so. How long should I wait? Or should I just stick to the first guy? B in Boston.

That depends. Was this a one-night-stand or is the first guy someone you want to keep seeing? If that's the case, then "dating" -- or sleeping with -- his roommate may not be the best idea. It may be fun to have two guys competing for your favors, but it won't be fun for them and, ultimately, it won't be much fun for you, either.

Are you certain these two are only "roommates?" Sometimes guys have a kind of loose, open relationship, but it's still a relationship. I assume they have separate bedrooms. Since the first guy didn't ask the roommate to hop in for a threesome, he really may not like you dating the other guy.

One thing I suggest is that you ask the other guy exactly what's going on, and if he feels sleeping with you would cause problems with his roommate. You can always wait until the first guy is out of town.

By the way, has the second guy actually asked you home yet? You may be attracted to each other but that doesn't mean he plans to poach on his roommate's preserve.

And as always, baby -- stick to safe sex!