Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!


CupidsReviews Heidi said...

I think I know a select bunch of lesbians that would be right into the annonimity thing as well! Proportionally to gay men probably a miniscule percentage but hey. Not a supporter of it, but whatever floats your boat I guess as long as you are smart about it.

Bill Samuels said...

I know where gay and "straight" men go to have anonymous sex, but I wonder where lesbians would have anonymous encounters. Lesbian cruising spots? That would be bizarre.

Thanks for your comment.

The Mad Celt said...

Thoughtful, responsible gay blog...finally. Cool.

Peace and joy...The Mad Celt

CupidsReviews Heidi said...

Ha! It would indeed. I mean there are the bars but in this town it seems that everybody in them is already attached. The ones that aren't are either looking for something long-term and the freaky looking ones are into the casual. So what is one to do?! Even the leftover long-termers aren't a prize at this point haha! But then again, i'm not sure why i'm complaining since i'm not even single..perhaps because when I was that scene SUCKED! I'll stop now.

Bill Samuels said...

Thanks for the comment, Heidi.

And Mad Celt, thanks for the kind words -- much appreciated.