Hateful Married Homosexual

I'd like your opinion on something that happened to me. Many years ago I had a boyfriend who was not comfortable being gay and who left me for a woman with money [he also enjoyed the good life]. Both of these people were simply horrible to me back in the day. He admitted he was not bi or attracted to women, and I felt he was being unfair both to himself and to her by marrying her just to be financially comfortable and to play at being straight [to please his parents]. I even told her we had been boyfriends and she said he told her that he was straight and I was a 'fag' who was in love with him. Anyway, I avoided this toxic couple, moved on, had another lover for many years who died a couple of years ago.

My ex-lover and his wife have stayed married for many years and managed to have two children, although I hear one is adopted. I have seen my ex-boyfriend -- I'll call him Chuck -- in gay bars making out with guys and dragging them home [while the wife is out of town] many times over the years.

Just recently I was on a date and encountered this man and his wife at a social function. I barely recognized him, but he definitely remembered me, sized up my attractive new boyfriend [ certainly compared to his fat wife] and began making rude, homophobic comments. His wife even joined in. They made a terrible impression with the other people in the group, who thought they were boorish and narrow-minded. You don't know the half of it, I said.

The other night I got photos of him french kissing a guy at a gay bar. My question is: should I email them to his wife [I have her work email].

Hell, that's what I would do! I don't believe in outing people most of the time -- it's a personal decision a pivotal, important moment in a gay person's life -- but all bets are off if the party concerned is publicly homophobic . This guy did you enough damage -- and he's still trying to do it. His self-hatred has spread out to encompass a man -- you -- who has lived a happy gay life while he's stuck in a closet having furtive affairs, terrified his bill-paying wife will find out.

Click send, baby!

Man with Boyfriend Wants Wife

I'm a 28 year old guy and i have been bisexual since I was a teenager, but i was exclusively gay in the past 10 years with complete self-acceptance as a homosexual. My boyfriend and i were together for 4 years but now all of a sudden i started seeing my best "girl friend" from another view rather than just as a friend. I confessed to her and she knows everything about me (we're friends for 11 years or so) and we started getting more intimate; she said she can accept whatever happened in the past but once we are committed that's it for monkey business with a girl or with a guy. i totally understand her wish but i am so confused now with a lot of questions that turned my life upside down & is causing me continuous anxiety and depression

-Will i be able to do it?? All other forums and people's experiences say they couldn't do it and at some point of my life i would be unable to suppress same-sex feelings and i never ever wanna think of putting her into this [situation].

-i feel terrible for my boyfriend who believes i am only doing this because i have a strong parental instinct and if I have a child it has to be my own child.

Is it true that i really want to get married to her and constitute our own family (i see her as the perfect match mind-wise and fun-wise) or am i just deceiving myself and it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance and have the kids i want( i'm from the Middle east in a country where homosexuals face complete social rejection)

i would hate myself if i realized too late that this is the case as i will be just using her! i also feel terrible for my boyfriend , and i don't know how can i help him and help myself , we're both having extremely hard times trying to change the image of me and him living together in the future although we can still be friends but nothing more.

Sometimes when i think of it, i'm like yeah this is the life i want, a loving and understanding wife, kids and a nice family life but sometimes i'm like no, it can't be like that all of sudden , i have never thought of marriage....EVER and you should know i am 80% attracted to males and only 20% attracted to females.

Well, I think you've just answered your own question. At times you say you're bisexual and at others homosexual, but it's clear that whatever you are your preference is men. Just the fact that you're wondering if your "straight" feelings are genuine or if they come from your doubts about your future as a gay man in a hostile atmosphere tells the story. I realize that for some people, especially those who live in countries much more hostile to homosexuals, it would be easier to be straight, but wishing it just doesn't make it so. By trying to live a straight life you might only be doing harm to yourself, the woman you profess to love, and especially your boyfriend.

First, read what I have to say about "mixed marriages" where one partner is straight and the other is gay. Click here.

You say that you're feeling confused and depressed. It is no coincidence that this has happened just after you left your boyfriend and decided to make your bff [best female friend] your lover or wife. I think the truth is obvious and you said it yourself when you wrote: it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance.

You can't make a total commitment to your girlfriend because a.) you're still in love with your boyfriend and b.) you're basically gay.

If you honestly feel that your boyfriend is not the right man for you for any reason, that doesn't mean you should seek happiness with a member of the opposite sex. I realize that living in an oppressive environment as you do makes things that much more difficult -- to put it mildly -- but if you and your partner have enough love for each other you can triumph over adversity. Your girlfriend can remain a friend who's there for you when you need her.

In the U.S. we have people that are known as "ex-gays." These are homosexual men and women who are full of self-hatred and/or simply feel that their lives will be easier if they are straight, or at least appear to be, so they enter into sham marriages. The vast majority of these people are unable to suppress their true instincts [a terrible thing to do in any case] and wind up having clandestine affairs with members of their own sex. People can't change their sexual orientation no matter how much they may want to.

The truth is, if you're afraid that you'll only be using this woman in your life, that is probably just what you'll be doing.

99% of gay liberation is in the head, as we used to say in the Gay Activists Alliance of New York. That means, if you accept that you're gay -- and that there's nothing wrong in being gay -- you can deal with everything else -- it will give you the strength to persevere.

Good luck!

Woman with Gay Husband

Hi,
I am a woman married to a man who identifies as gay. He was out and proud when we met 12 years ago, and was confused to find himself very attracted to me when he is not normally attracted to women. He eventually pursued a sexual relationship with me, basically couldn’t keep his hands off me, even more than any straight guy I’d been with, and after three years we got married. So we’ve now been married 8 and a half years and things have been cooling off a little. I am really not sure what to do. We love each other and want to stay together. I don’t know if this is normal for a 12 year relationship or if it because he is gay. I asked him if he thought his being gay was causing a problem in our relationship and he said “yeah, cuz you get upset if I check out guys in front of you.” I explained that his being gay is not the problem. Obviously men are going to look at people. I had been upset when he was openly disrespecting me and drooling over someone with his gay friends right in front of me. Any woman would be upset by that behavior, whether the guy is checking out men or women or whatever. I do not care at all if he is attracted to men as long as he is attracted to me, and as long as he is polite in public about it. Anyway, I have had lots of conflicting advice from different counselors about our situation. Some think he is just a normal guy and if I treat him as I would treat any straight guy, things will improve. Some say he is gay and will never be fulfilled by me. We think both those views are extremist and inappropriate for us. Any thoughts/advice?
Thanks,

I do have some thoughts on this matter but I don't know if it's what you want to hear. First let me say that you have to understand I am a long-time gay activist whose message has always been that it's okay to be gay, and that the whole point of Gay Rights and an acceptance of homosexuality is that gay men should be with men [to be true to their natures] and lesbians should be with other women. Therefore, I have never been a proponent of "mixed marriages" between a gay man and a straight person [or a member of the opposite sex, regardless of their sexual orientation.] You might say, well isn't gay rights about people being free to be with whomever they choose? No, for me it was about men being free to be with men and women with women. Mixed marriages generally come about due to the unhealthy needs of the two parties involved. The gay partner somehow needs to be seen as straight by society at large [which is where the wife comes in] and the straight partner simply wants to ignore the realities of the situation -- their partner's true sexual orientation -- out of their own, sometimes self-centered desires.

It seems a little odd to me that you say your husband is/was an "out and proud" gay man at one point, when many today would assume he was bisexual. If this is not the case [and without getting into the fact that "bisexuality" can on occasion be a completely false identification, political correctness be damned] then the relationship doesn't seem to make much sense. Why on Earth would you want a gay husband, and then have to play "policewoman" when he's out in public? If he's gay he's going to be attracted almost exclusively to guys -- this is something he simply can't change. It seems you've set up a tremendous burden for yourself by marrying someone who plays for the other team.

I also have to question his motives. You say he was "Out and Proud" but you may not fully understand what that means. There are, sadly, men who are openly gay but who are still full of guilt and shame and for some reason desire a heterosexual relationship. Women who marry guys like this sometimes suffer from self-esteem issues; they feel they can't do any better. So instead of being good friends to these guys and encouraging them to accept themselves, they marry them!

I'm going to be very, very blunt now and wonder just which of you is paying the bills? I don't like the way your husband tries to sort of sidestep the basic issue of his being gay by making it not about his sexual orientation but about your objecting to his flirting with men in your presence; it's a bit disingenuous of him. But I also have to say that your attitude of "I do not care at all if he is attracted to men as long as he is attracted to me, and as long as he is polite in public about it" is completely unrealistic. Even borderline homophobic. Why not just let this guy be gay and find a perfectly nice straight guy -- they do exist!

I have to agree with those who say that a homosexual man can not be completely fulfilled by a relationship with a woman. I have met and known many homosexual men with wives and sometimes families, and while these men may love their wives as best friends and companions, they can feel no true romantic passion for them. Often they fantasize about men while they are engaging in sex with their spouses. If this guy openly flirts with guys in front of you, you have to assume he's hooking up with them as well. One-night stands can lead to affairs can lead to long-time relationships. [I also have to say that I'm bothered by your use of the terms "normal guy" versus "gay," as if I have said anything over the years it is that being gay is not abnormal. Women who think they're somehow "saving" their men from homosexuality are way off the beam.]

I have made it clear in other posts that I have always been sympathetic to women who inadvertently marry men who are homosexual. I have also maintained that women who marry gay guys -- men they already know are attracted to men -- in the hopes they'll change, stay on the straight and narrow, or somehow magically transform into heterosexuals are asking for what they get. Which, invariably, is disappointment.

My advice is to turn your husband into a friend, and look for a genuinely heterosexual man to have a completely fulfilling relationship with.

It's not the twelve years -- it's that your husband is gay.

Are Married Homosexuals Butcher?

I hope this is not offensive. Is it true that gay men who for one reason or another marry and have children, maybe because they can't accept being gay, are more "macho" than gay men who are strictly gay. I mean is it easier for them to "pass " because they do, after all, get married -- so they can't be obviously gay or women would reject them. I probably haven't explained this well but I hope you understand what I'm driving at. Anon,

I understand what you're driving at, but I have to tell you that you're off base on this one.

I know it may seem strange that an effeminate, stereotypically gay man can marry a woman and even have children -- you wonder, what was she [the wife, that is] thinking? -- but it does happen. I have certainly seen many male-female couples where the husband seems a little bit "queeny" [that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, of course]. The guy may be attracted to men but may not identify as gay, thinking of himself as bisexual or even straight.

There are a few theories as to why women marry men who seem gay. Some wives in this situation are closeted lesbians; others are so in love with the guy that they look past his femme exterior -- which they may like in any case -- and are in denial. Then there's the somewhat homophobic and/or unsophisticated response: he's a great guy and he fucks me so he can't be gay [as if a guy can't be a great guy if he's gay, or a basically gay guy can't possibly have sex with a woman]. The feminine guy they love is like a soul-mate, a boyfriend and best female friend rolled up into one.

Anyway, I think we've all had women introduce us to their husbands and boyfriends and think to ourselves: Sheesh -- can't she tell this guy is gay? On the other side of the butch-femme spectrum, on more than one occasion I've had women introduce me to guys who may not be obviously gay but that I've seen in gay bars or even been intimate with. Talk about awkward moments!

What I have to make clear is that it is not true that only "butch" or butcher gay men get involved with women. Nor is it true that men who are bisexual [at least in the technical sense in that they are attracted to men but have wives or girlfriends] are more masculine than men who are strictly gay. Again, many bisexual men are actually quite effeminate, and most of the strictly gay men I've met are pretty masculine. [And, while we're on the subject, men who are "tops" are not necessarily more masculine than guys who are "bottoms."]

In other words, there are no hard and fast rules. Confusing, maybe, but it keeps you on your toes!

Really Bisexual?

Is it true that all gay men are really bisexual? I mean, look at the guys who have been or are still married to women. Isn't labeling yourself bi or gay a political decision? Anon.

But then look at all the guys -- many more, in fact -- who have never been married to women, and are not in any way, shape or form bisexual. And may not have the slightest sexual or romantic interest in women. Ever.

How you label yourself or identify can be a political decision (or one born of how you see yourself, or want to see yourself and be seen by others). No doubt there are gay men who call themselves bisexual because they feel it makes them -- somehow -- more masculine. [In gay society, a man can have sex exclusively with men and still be considered something of a stud. Outside gay society, a man is seen as a "stud" only if he has sex with women. Some guys need to seen as studs by the entire world, and especially by their straight friends and family.] I don't know if a man who identifies as gay would label himself bi for political reasons, unless it's to show solidarity with a bi male partner.

I believe there are men who see themselves as bisexual but who label themselves gay for political reasons. [But many, many more men who label themselves gay simply because they're gay.] They may do this to show solidarity with other "queer" Men Who Love Men, or because of their recognition that if they experience persecution it will more likely be due to their same-sex attraction and relationships than to whatever attraction or relationships they may have with the opposite sex.

A genuine bisexual has much more than a passing interest in the opposite sex, and their relationships with women are not for appearance's or career's sake, or due to internalized homophobia or self-denial. Some gay men may have a mild or occasional interest in, or sexual experience, with women, but their attraction to and interest in men is far more overwhelming. Although some men in this position, as well as others, may choose to call themselves bisexual, their overwhelming interest in men (even if they're married to women) in my educated opinion, makes them gay, not bi.

Married homosexual men (as opposed to married bisexual men) are technically bisexual because they do sleep with women and have biological children. However, before one talks about bisexuality one has to consider this: I've met, befriended and interviewed literally hundreds of men who were once, or still are, married to women, and the vast majority of them say they are gay, not bisexual. Many, perhaps most, of them, say that sex with their wives was unsatisfying (as opposed to sex with men), and that they had to fantasize about males during the sex act. In some cases they would not have been able to achieve erection let alone successful penetration, without the homoerotic fantasies. Not just with their wives, but with virtually any woman. That doesn't sound bi to me -- it sounds gay.

So, no, it's not true that all gay men are really bisexual. Saying so is tantamount to saying that all gay men can change over to straight, change their orientation, when that flies in the face of all evidence to the contrary, "sexual fluidity" be damned. A gay man can sleep with a woman, father children, but that doesn't make him straight or bi. In fact, one of the biggest mistakes many bi-identified individuals make is to automatically assume a Man Who Loves Men is bisexual just because he is or was once married to a woman.

Funny, nobody ever seems to think that all straight men are really bisexual. Wonder why?

Perpetrating Fraud?

I have read that Jim McGreevey's wife feels that her gay husband the governor perpetrated a fraud on her when he married her by pretending he was straight. How do you feel about this? Are gays and bisexuals defrauding their straight spouses if they don't tell them the truth? How about asexuals? Anon.

Interesting question. My answer is yes. I have often said that it's one thing if a person knows about the sexual interests of their mate before the marriage and enters into the union willingly, but quite another if the spouse is secretive. While I don't recommend mixed marriages for anyone, a straight person who enters into one with foreknowledge can not complain later on if, for obvious reasons, it doesn't work out. While a mixed marriage between a straight person and a genuinely bisexual person can work, I still think the bi partner should be completely upfront about their sexuality with their partner. As for asexuals, people who say they are born without sexual feelings, many do engage in sex with their partners, but the partner should be apprised that they are faking any enjoyment they have -- or rather can't have -- of the experience.

Upfront honesty is always the best policy. To be in love with someone and in a relationship with them for years and then to discover they are gay or perhaps have more of an interest in their own sex than in the opposite, or have no sexual feelings of any kind, can be devastating and is, I feel, completely unfair to the straight and/or non-asexual spouse.

The better and more accepting a member of a sexual minority is, the more likely he or she is to be honest and treat other people fairly.

It will be interesting to see what happens when some of these fraud cases hit a courtroom.

Hit On By Horny Hubby

I am a single gay man in my forties. A married couple I'll call "Dick and Jane" live on the same floor in my building. I am openly gay, so they both know all about me, and seem gay friendly. I got a certain "feeling" about Dick, who works at home (as I do) and seems to have one excuse after another to drop by my apartment virtually every afternoon, although lately I have taken to not answering the door. I am not interested in having sex with him or in getting into any kind of scene with this married closet queen, but I am convinced by his behavior, the way he looks at me, and many other things that he is attracted to me and is hoping to get it on. I am not at all into Woody Allen types (that's whom he resembles, only much younger), among other problems. It has reached the point where I'm almost ready to bar the door and tell his wife to put him on a leash! Buddy.

Does the wife look like Mia? How many kids have they adopted? Seriously, while it can be flattering to have someone kind of infatuated/hot for you, I don't think I would particularly care to have a married man who looks like Woody Allen ringing my door bell every afternoon either. [No offense to anyone who might look like Woody Allen. He's done all right for himself.]

I also say: Get right to the point. If you're absolutely convinced that this guy is sniffing around you in heat -- that he's not just a little lonely while (I assume) his wife is at the office -- then either never answer your door again or invite him in for some coffee and consolation. Tell him:

A.) You don't date married men.

B.) You don't date married men who look like Woody Allen. (Okay. Forget "B.")

C.) You don't date closet cases.

D.) You don't want to help him commit adultery.

E.) You'll have sex with him if he lets you have sex with his wife.

Okay -- I was so amused by your question that I'm getting a little silly. Here is my serious advice.

Definitely tell him that you think you know why he's coming around so often and (don't hurt his feelings) that you're extremely uncomfortable with the notion of fooling around with someone who's not only married but who lives down the hall with his wife. Jeez!

Ask him if he feels that he is or might be gay -- he might be a gay brother reaching out for understanding and striving for self-acceptance, and that may be why he's hanging around you -- an openly gay man -- so much. Tell him it's okay to be gay and recommend counseling at any gay center in your area. (And have him write Gay Dr. Bill. I'll set him "straight.")

If he's just a classic married homosexual or possibly bisexual who wants to cheat on his wife -- if he has zero gay identity and no interest in coming out -- tell him you'd rather he stay down on his end of the hall -- or you'll tell his wife to keep him on a fucking leash.

That oughta do it.

Gay Now, Straight Later?

Is it true that a man or woman could have homosexual relations earlier in life but then become completely straight later on? Anon.

No. What is more likely is that the individual can't deal with his or her homosexual feelings and goes into the closet. They may lead a heterosexual life including marriage (to a member of the opposite sex) and children, but homosexuality is not a phase or something that just goes away. It is often said that youth is a time of experimentation, and that a person may fool around with members of their own sex before realizing they prefer the opposite sex. The trouble with this theory in almost all cases is that there is no corresponding push for people to engage in homosexual relationships the way there is with heterosexual relationships; as well, people tend to repress their homosexual tendencies, not the other way around. It's more likely that as the individual gets older they worry more about society's, as well as their friends and family's, reaction to their sexual orientation -- many people have a more devil-may-care attitude toward their sexuality (and everything else) in their youth that fades away as they face the reality of what openly facing the world as a gay person might mean. Even today there are people who are closeted and/or in denial in regards to their sexuality, people who strongly desire (and may regularly seek out) members of their own sex but who insist to themselves and others that they are straight.

The key is not to "reassure" these people that they are straight but to convince them through counseling that "gay is good" and they, too, can lead happy, healthy lives of self-acceptance along with those of us who are Out and Proud.

Butch and Femme: The Facts

Are masculine gay men always tops and effeminate gay men always bottoms? Also are masculine gay men more likely to be married to women and/or bisexual? Anon.

The fact is that whether or not a gay man is stereotypical in his comportment usually provides little clue to his sexual behavior or even his private life or level of "outness." There are very masculine men who are strictly bottoms, and effeminate men who are strictly tops. There are even married [to women] homosexual men who seem obviously gay to everyone else.

I have met men who identify as bisexual and date/sleep with women as well as men and who are quite effeminate, and have also known many men who are very masculine and who are strictly and totally gay.

There is also an erroneous feeling among some people that stereotypical gay men are more likely to be out of the closet, and vice versa. Effeminate gay men may not be able to "pass" (and if they try to may elicit snickers), but I have met some who are completely in the closet. I also know many masculine gay men who are totally out of the closet.

People love to put everyone in neat little categories but it just doesn't work with gay men (or lesbians) anymore than it does with straight men and women. One simply can't and shouldn't come to easy conclusions about people even if it's tempting to do so.

As I've said many times, the gay community is incredibly diverse and everyone is an individual with individual tastes, attitudes, personal feelings towards themselves and their sexuality, and so on.

Viva la difference.

Casual versus Anonymous

You recently answered a question about casual sex. Isn't it true that casual sex and anonymous sex are not the same thing? K.

Good point. When we refer to casual sex we are generally talking about sex between two people who don't know each other very well and who are probably not in love and may not even be romantically involved -- but they can be. They have made no commitment to one another. They may or may not be dating. They may have had sex at the end of a first date. They may have met at a bar, conversed, made out, then gone home for sex. But they introduce themselves to one another. Even when people meet online and hook up strictly for sex, they generally exchange names (but not always -- and sometimes the names are not real.)

Anonymous sex, especially if we're talking about certain kinds of homosexual men, is when you don't have a conversation or introduce yourself -- there really is total anonymity. You may not even get a good look at the other person. This kind of sex takes place in the darkened rows of porn movie houses, in outdoor cruise spots generally in wooded areas, men's rooms, truck stops, alley ways. I suppose it's possible for a man to have anonymous sex and run into a sex partner in the daylight and not know who he is.

May I say, without sounding too judgmental (why everyone knows Dr. Bill is never judgmental, LOL), that anonymous sex is kind of pre-Stonewall in my opinion. I won't say that everyone who practices it is an ashamed closet queen -- sometimes it just horny guys wanting a quick fix -- but its practitioners do tend to be the kind who like to stay in the figurative and literal shadows. Many of the husbands and daddies who want sex with other guys are into anonymous sex. They have no gay identity or pride whatsoever.

There was a time when it was thought by many people that anonymous sex was all that gay men were capable of, that they couldn't make commitments or fall in love. That, of course, has always been nonsense, as there have been long-term relationships in the gay male (and lesbian) communities for decades. I would dare say that most anonymous sex isn't even practiced by "gay" men, but but bi/homosexual men who think of themselves as being "straight." (Larry Craig, caught in the men's room, is a good example of this.)

Lastly, I think most genuinely straight guys would love it if they could get more anonymous sex (with women). No wining and dining and talking about feelings and that sort of thing, ha!

Whites On the Downlow

Over the weekend I watched an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Although the plot went in another direction, the first victim and another guy were married men with children who had sex with guys on the side; I guess they were sort of on what we call the "downlow." I always thought the downlow was an African-American phenomenon but the two guys on the program were both Caucasian. Did Law and Order take some dramatic license here or what? Anon.

Although "being on the downlow" is a term that has been used within the African-American community to describe men who lead straight lives but who have sex with men on a regular basis, this type of behavior is certainly not limited to the African-American community. Neither is it a recent phenomenon. There are, sadly, even in this day and age, gay/bi men of all ethnicities and backgrounds who are ashamed of their homosexual feelings and want to come off as straight to their families and the world at large while indulging their sexual appetites with the men they truly desire. Their internalized homophobia prevents them from exploring or giving in to any romantic feelings they may have for other men. They occasionally go to gay bars, but more often they haunt online gay dating sites, occasionally calling themselves "married bi's" because it sounds better than "self-hating closet case."

One of the characters on the episode you mentioned told the cops that he "loved his wife and children." This is often a true statement with men like that, but they generally don't have strong romantic or sexual passion for their wives. Their wives may be their pals or best friends (as well as the mothers of their children), but the main reason they love them is because these women are the bedrock of the closet that their husbands hide in; they (supposedly) prevent the world at large from identifying these self-hating homos as "fags." And, boy, are these guys grateful!

In any case, being on the downlow is not a healthy situation in any sense of the word.

Watch Out for That Man With a Wife

What percentage of men on gay dating sites would you say have wives and children? Z.

I wouldn't doubt that it's at least 10% and possibly as high on some sites as 25% or more. Even with all the recent scandals a la Larry Craig and Jim McGreevey, people still don't realize how many so-called "family" men are privately homosexual and still deep in the closet even in this day and age. And they're not all Republicans. Some of these men are at least "out" to some gay friends or at least their tricks (sex partners). There is probably a higher percentage on line than in bars because some of these guys won't go into a gay bar, afraid they might run into someone who will recognize them and gossip. Especially if they live in a smaller city.

Some of these guys are honest about their marital status and refer to themselves as "married bi's," preferring to have people think they're simply "hip" swingin' bisexuals than the pathetic out-of-date closet cases most of them really are. If a gay guy -- (I use the word "gay" to denote Out and Proud or at least a self-accepting gay person as opposed to a self-hating homo) wants to have a quickie with one of these guys, that's his business, but he should never expect anything more from him than a quick lay. As the cliche goes: they never leave their beards, I mean, wives.

There are occasional exceptions. Some of these men are finally coming to accept themselves as homosexuals and getting tired of leading double lives. They're not quite ready to come out of the closet yet and live an open gay life, but they do want to meet people. Hopefully some of the men they meet on these sites will convince them that it's okay to be gay.

Some gay men, myself included, have felt it necessary on some sites to add a note to our profiles saying, in effect, that we're not interested in dating guys with wives. One man explained on his profile that these married guys often suffered from guilt feelings and who needs the hassle? You want to meet a nice guy to either date, screw, or maybe even have a relationship with, not these f--kers who -- when it comes to Gay Pride -- are still roaming with the dinosaurs.

Not all men on these sites are honest (big news, right?). But in general you can have a good idea of whether someone is married and/or deeply in the closet by whether or not they post a photograph of their face. (Okay, some guys feel their face is not their best feature, or are a bit shy about the Internet etc., but they should at least offer to send a facial shot once you've both sent a few private messages back and forth.) Who can tell if you're going to find a guy attractive if all you can see is a picture of their penis? We're not all "size kings."

However, some of these guys post their pictures anyway. As I've said in other posts, a sixth sense can help in telling you if the guy is being upfront about his situation or not. Is he forthcoming, is he free with his name and email, what he does and so on, or is he sly and secretive? Is his profile practically blank -- nothing about his life, his work, his interests? Either he's incredibly uninteresting or he's hiding something.

One big indicator. If he says "I'm not into a gay scene" he probably isn't. Oh, he's homosexual, all right, he's just not "gay."

Listen, I don't want to discourage anyone from using Internet dating sites because they're afraid every guy they meet will turn out to be married.

The vast majority of men on these sites are gay, baby, gay!

Don Juan Homosexuals

What is a "Don Juan homosexual" and are there many of them? Anon.

You don't hear the term much anymore but a Don Juan homosexual is a man who sleeps with and/or gets involved romantically with many, many women because he can't deal with his homosexuality and wants to prove to himself and others that he's a "man." He takes the notion that a "virile" man must be heterosexual too literally. You would think that Gay Liberation would have eradicated most of these guys, but they still exist. There are men who have had several marriages (none successful) and many children who are actually repressed homosexuals -- they can sleep with women successfully but their main sexual attraction is to men. Some of these guys do have sex with men but do it on the "downlow," ashamed of their feelings and actions. They often have a "macho" meat-headed mindset, but Don Juan homosexuals can often be the more intellectual type. Some of them go their entire lives without having gay sex. They have low self-esteem and it's important for them to be seen as heterosexual, "manly" men and studly lover boys. Their marriages often end not because they cheat with men but with women, each time hoping that this new conquest will be the woman who will convince them forevermore that they're "normal."

Sad, really.

Bi -- or Married Homo?

I'm a gay man who's been seeing another man who turned out to my astonishment to be a friend of my brother and sister-in-law's. He works as a carpenter and was at their house the same time I was. I was delighted to see him but he pretended that I was confusing him with somebody else! I was hurt and shocked. It turns out that he's married and in the closet. I confronted him days later in a bar, told him to lose my number, and he said he was all confused and bisexual, as if asking for sympathy. He's been cheating on his wife and lying to me for months. Should I bother with him anymore? And is he really bi or just kidding himself? Anon.

Whatever one thinks of the realities or unrealities of bisexuality, there's a big difference between an openly bisexual man who marries a woman (who knows that he's also attracted to men) and a married homosexual who is only bi in the technical sense -- he sleeps with his wife and has children but is innately homosexual (he sleeps with men, and generally only men, behind his wife's back). Today, many guys who are clearly in the latter category are calling themselves bi, hoping this will make them seem all hip and up-to-date instead of the pathetic closeted dinosaurs they really are. Not having met your carpenter I can't say for certain, but his reaction upon meeting you at your brother's house seems pretty much to tell the story. I mean, pretending he was somebody else!

I'm sorry if you were developing feelings for this man. Maybe he was developing feelings for you and is mulling over his married status and may want to come out and be with you. But if he hasn't said so, don't assume it. Some guys in his position finally get the strength to break free of a constrictive heterosexual relationship when they fall in love with a guy, but others can't give up the wife and family or the straight veneer no matter what -- if your carpenter is in that category, then you've done the right thing by moving on. If he's genuinely bisexual -- a big if, in this case -- then he's just a bi swinger and probably has no reason to, or intention of, ever leaving the wife. In any case, how can you ever trust a man who never bothered to tell you he was married and has, as you say, been lying to you -- and his wife -- for not only months but (in her case) probably years.

If he doesn't indicate an honest, sincere desire to come out and be with you, wish him well and blow him off!

Good luck!

Gay Man in Dilemma with Niece

I am a gay man in his late forties who has a wonderful niece -- whom I'm very close to -- in her early thirties. She has had some very unfortunate relationships with men and been hurt very badly, and I don't know if she could take another defeat. She's fallen head over heads in love with a man she describes as a great guy. When I finally met him I was flabbergasted -- and deeply depressed for my niece's sake. I have seen this man many times -- yes, I am sure it was him -- cruising in local gay bars, even made out with him once a couple of years ago, and he is always inebriated. I have seen him neck with and pick up other men. I don't care if he's gay or bi, I don't want my niece to be devastated by marrying --yes, they are talking about marriage -- a man who may not be in touch with or honest about his true sexuality. He may continue to pursue men even after he's married. What on earth do I say to her? Bob.

The truth, I'm afraid. Men who want sex with men when they're very drunk want sex with men when they're sober, only they need to get drunk and lose their inhibitions before they can do so. It's the old bugaboo, internalized homophobia. You're right -- it doesn't matter if he identifies as gay, straight or bi, his future wife needs to know -- needs to know now -- about his possibly risky behavior, his lust for men, and what it may mean for their future, assuming any is possible.

There are so many ramifications to this. There are women who don't mind marrying gay/bi men (as bizarre as it sounds) generally for the same wrong reasons that gay/bi men often marry women. But every woman should be told beforehand -- hopefully by the man himself -- that he's gay/bi so that she can make an informed decision about whether or not to marry him. If he's essentially a gay man, he will not be happy in a straight marriage, and neither will your niece. Bi advocates say a bi man can be perfectly happy with, and faithful to, a woman (although there are thousands of men seeking male sex partners on gay dating sites who identify as "married and bi"), but this man sounds too conflicted to have any kind of realistic attitude toward his sexuality, and he probably hasn't fully accepted his homosexual feelings.

Don't tell your niece you once made out with him. I assume you don't have a "thing" for him as that will only complicate matters. That's not the issue in any case. The issue is that she thinks he's straight and he clearly isn't.

I would suggest sitting down and talking to him first. Don't wait until you run into him in another gay bar -- he'll be too drunk to hear you. Tell him you're aware of his nocturnal activities and you're not certain why he wants to marry your niece. Is he in love? Will she be his beard? What's going on? Tell him he has to tell her of his feelings for men or you'll tell her for him.

This isn't going to be easy as he sounds deeply closeted and repressed (except for when he's drinking) and he may be in such deep denial that he'll never be able to talk about it with you or anyone else in the light of day. Go slow, easy, be compassionate. If you get nowhere with him, you may have to be a real Dutch uncle with your niece. A marriage shouldn't start out with such a big lie between two people.

Get back to me and tell me how it goes.