Bi -- or Married Homo?

I'm a gay man who's been seeing another man who turned out to my astonishment to be a friend of my brother and sister-in-law's. He works as a carpenter and was at their house the same time I was. I was delighted to see him but he pretended that I was confusing him with somebody else! I was hurt and shocked. It turns out that he's married and in the closet. I confronted him days later in a bar, told him to lose my number, and he said he was all confused and bisexual, as if asking for sympathy. He's been cheating on his wife and lying to me for months. Should I bother with him anymore? And is he really bi or just kidding himself? Anon.

Whatever one thinks of the realities or unrealities of bisexuality, there's a big difference between an openly bisexual man who marries a woman (who knows that he's also attracted to men) and a married homosexual who is only bi in the technical sense -- he sleeps with his wife and has children but is innately homosexual (he sleeps with men, and generally only men, behind his wife's back). Today, many guys who are clearly in the latter category are calling themselves bi, hoping this will make them seem all hip and up-to-date instead of the pathetic closeted dinosaurs they really are. Not having met your carpenter I can't say for certain, but his reaction upon meeting you at your brother's house seems pretty much to tell the story. I mean, pretending he was somebody else!

I'm sorry if you were developing feelings for this man. Maybe he was developing feelings for you and is mulling over his married status and may want to come out and be with you. But if he hasn't said so, don't assume it. Some guys in his position finally get the strength to break free of a constrictive heterosexual relationship when they fall in love with a guy, but others can't give up the wife and family or the straight veneer no matter what -- if your carpenter is in that category, then you've done the right thing by moving on. If he's genuinely bisexual -- a big if, in this case -- then he's just a bi swinger and probably has no reason to, or intention of, ever leaving the wife. In any case, how can you ever trust a man who never bothered to tell you he was married and has, as you say, been lying to you -- and his wife -- for not only months but (in her case) probably years.

If he doesn't indicate an honest, sincere desire to come out and be with you, wish him well and blow him off!

Good luck!