Saturday, January 19, 2008

Straight Women Dating Gay Men

Why do so many women seem to want to date gay men? I can't tell you how often a woman has introduced me to her boyfriend and he seems like a big queen to me. What's up with that? R.

Okay, LOL. Yes, there are men who jump right off the gaydar screen and who have girlfriends. We have to remember that just as there are many gay men who are very non-stereotypical and masculine, there are straight guys who are kind of "girlish;" they're not always gay, believe it or not (okay, okay, maybe one or two aren't). On the other hand, there are many closeted gay men who have girlfriends, and the girlfriends deal with it in several ways. Either they are so in love with the guy that they don't care (a kind of pathetic "he can fuck a guy now and then as long as he comes home to me" attitude); they wishfully perceive him as a bi guy who happened to fall in love with a woman and will never need sex with a man again; or they've convinced themselves -- simply because they have sex -- that he can't possibly be gay no matter how many stereotypical traits he may have. Some women always have a sneaking suspicion about their boyfriends, while others haven't got a clue.

Probably some women prefer "effeminate" men (gay or straight) because they think they can bond with them easier than they can with a "macho" type, that they'll be more sensitive, caring, "womanly." There is no good reason to assume that this is the case, of course. Then we still have pathetic women with pre-Stonewall mind-sets, who think the ultimate challenge or test of their "womanhood" is to go to bed with a gay guy. I once met a woman who "collected" gay boyfriends, the ultimate "fag hag." Some effeminate men are so handsome that the women want them no matter what.

This is the 21st century. There are plenty of perfectly nice straight guys (not to mention the bi-identified) for straight women to play around with. They should leave the gay gays alone.

Gay men should be with gay men.


Anonymous said...

I am not at all interested in dating a man who has sex with a man. Unfortunately, I have had the misfortune of meeting a man and falling in love with him. That man led me on for many years, saying he was not ready to commit, he had been married twice and he did not want to rush into things, blah, blah, blah. My gut instinct kept gnawing at me, that something just was not quite right. He assured me on many occasions that he was not sleeping around...he would laugh at me and make me feel unsecure. I loved every ounce of this man, from head to toe. It was very clear that he enjoyed being intimate with me, and very often. So, I pressed him for answer, asking why he was not willing to give me a commitment. On several occasions, I asked if he was bi-sexual. He would state although he thought nothing was wrong with homosexual sex, it simply did not interest him. To make a long story short the man was sleeping with men and having unprotected sex with me. He was my one and only sex partner. Thank you DEAR GOD, for I did NOT contract HIV/AIDS. I have come to realize that he knew I was not the type of woman that would even consider dating a bi-sexual man. He original pursued me for sex, which over time grew into a relationship. I can only say we both lost. My regret is the amount of time and effort I spent giving him my love. He was a retired military man and he was very savvy living a double life. I believe anyone who feels he/she must hide who they truly are in order to be accepted, must have deep-seated mental issues and manifested self-hatred. As for that relationship, I am not at all interested in dating a bi-sexual man.

Bill Samuels said...

Well, the thing is that many "bisexual" men who get involved with women have a clear preference [even if they are genuinely bisexual, which is open to debate] and if they're totally honest with themselves their preference is generally men -- which pretty much makes them gay. When these conflicted fellows get involved with women, as they often do, it is never a good thing for either the man or the woman. If these guys could only accept themselves they'd save themselves and the women in their lives a lot of confusion and pain.

Ramon said...

Your I'm a gay man 38 thinking and fantasizing about Pus$% is that true of what straight men care about all day long I just could not imagine my self living with anoter man what could this disfuntion possibly offer to me and my life Please help me I can't keep alone I grew up never knowing my father I'm considered emotional and efeminate sounding my wole exsistence is strange I have even tried to kill my self because of my sexual malfunction

Ramon said...

I'm gay but want to try being with a women I don't want to live with a man I have even tried to kill myself because of my sexual choice hat could dating a man possibly offer me please help me

Bill Samuels said...

Ramon, if you are suffering from anything, it is not being gay but from self-hatred and what we call internalized homophobia. There is nothing wrong in being gay! What could dating a man possibly offer? -- how about good sex, romance, a partner in life, self-acceptance? It is not easy to live your life hating yourself. I urge you to seek a gay or gay-friendly therapist who can help you feel better about yourself and deal with other issues that may be adding to your discomfort at being gay.

People can not change their orientation, so isn't it better to accept yourself?

I feel that you have have these negative feelings because you have been harassed, bullied, or otherwise had to deal with homophobic attitudes from family members, friends, society, especially if you conform to some stereotypes. Whether you do or don't, remember that 99% of gay liberation is in the head. If you recognize that homosexuality is a natural and positive thing, and that being gay does not make you a bad person, you will feel much, much better, believe me!

Bill Samuels said...

Ramon, it is also important to tell you that dating women when you are gay is unfair to them and unfair to yourself. You can not force yourself into heterosexuality. Even if you manage to get into a sexual or romantic relationship with a woman, you will still be gay, and that relationship will not, ultimately be satisfying to you or to the woman.

But it's okay. If you're turned on by men, don't let it upset you. You can still have a great life and find happiness if you just get past your negative feelings.

Email me if you have further questions.