Friday, April 23, 2010

Oops! Trick Has Fiancee

Dr. Bill, I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm a 28-year-old gay guy. I recently tricked with a guy around my age that I met in a gay bar. We had a very nice time, and the next morning he went out to get some donuts and coffee while I showered and got dressed. I heard a key in the lock and assumed it's him. Instead it's a young woman. She turns out to be the guy's fiancee. I hemmed and hawed as to who I was and how I knew "Barry." "Barry"came back with the donuts and immediately I saw the look on his face and could tell the fiancee had no clue he was into guys. I got out of there without having coffee, and left him to explain. Later he e-mailed me to say he really liked me and wanted to see me again, that he had thought he was bisexual but realized he was gay and was struggling to find a way to tell his fiancee and break things off with her. I don't know what to think. I would like to see him again, but not if the fiancee stays in the picture and not if he's all conflicted -- what a bore! What do you suggest I do? Anon.

You're right about one thing. Guys like this can be a big bore.

Tell the guy you're not interested in hearing from him until he's free of commitments -- and being engaged to someone is certainly a commitment!

Even then you'll have to get to know him a lot better before you can decide if he's the type of guy who is self-accepting enough to enter into a relationship with another man (besides sex, of course) -- or if he's one of these guys who needs to present a "straight" facade to the world --hence the fiancee.

I realize that at this point it's too soon for you to know if this man is someone you would seriously consider as a lover candidate, but the fact that you see this whole business as a "big mess" tells me that you already have certain feelings for him.

You don't need to get involved in this situation, especially if he's not going to be honest with the woman in his life. Why waste time trying to help him come out when ultimately he wants to stay in the closet and stick to guys on the "down low."

Tell him: get in touch when you're available and not before. You don't date guys who have girlfriends.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Tops and Condoms

Do "tops" have to wear condoms? Anon.

Yes. Bare-backing is not a good idea either for tops or bottoms. Although it certainly does not occur as often, there have definitely been cases of a top contracting HIV from a bottom partner.

In other words, use condoms whether you're a top, a bottom, or versatile.

Stay safe and have a great time!

Gay for Pay?

Is there really such a thing as "gay for pay?" Are there really straight hustlers, porn stars and so on?

No. I can't imagine any genuinely and totally heterosexual man who would have the slightest interest -- no matter how much he was paid -- in having sex with men either as a prostitute or for gay porn films.

These men are not straight. They are conflicted, guilt-wracked guys who have sex with other men because they are attracted to other men. Being paid for sex enables them to claim -- to themselves and others -- that they are really heterosexual. It is just a case of internalized homophobia, a "macho" hang up. They have sex with men because they want to. That is not being "straight."

Some hustlers think that gay men get some sort of kick out of being with a "straight" guy, so they try to play into the fantasy. There are even hustlers who bring their "girlfriends" into the hustler bar, these tough, generally unattractive, clueless gals who seem to think they have straight boyfriends. Duh!

No well-adjusted gay men wants or needs to have sex with a heterosexual man, as there are gay men to suit every taste.

There are porn movies, magazines and sites which cry out that they feature "straight" guys in gay sex scenes. These sites etc. pander to that old pre-Stonewall notion that somehow straight men are more desirable -- sexier or more masculine -- than gay men. It's a tired, dated notion that should have been set aside a long, long time ago. The producers of these sites are only exploiting the internalized homophobia of some homosexual males. I find them entirely homophobic, and wish they would all go out of business. [If that bothers some people, tough shit. And I'll have even more to say on this in a future post.]

I will always remember what porn star and producer Michael Lucas replied when he was asked if two of his "stars" in gay films were really heterosexual. I paraphrase, but he answered that the men lived straight lives [with wives and children] but that "whether they are in gay porn or straight porn they are equally enthusiastic." If you want to call guys like this bisexual, be my guest, but they are not straight.

It's a sad truth that even today there are men who live lives of complete denial, telling themselves and others [including the clueless girlfriends, who only exist to bolster their fragile male egos] that they are "straight" even while indulging in sex with men on a regular basis.