Are Married Homosexuals Butcher?

I hope this is not offensive. Is it true that gay men who for one reason or another marry and have children, maybe because they can't accept being gay, are more "macho" than gay men who are strictly gay. I mean is it easier for them to "pass " because they do, after all, get married -- so they can't be obviously gay or women would reject them. I probably haven't explained this well but I hope you understand what I'm driving at. Anon,

I understand what you're driving at, but I have to tell you that you're off base on this one.

I know it may seem strange that an effeminate, stereotypically gay man can marry a woman and even have children -- you wonder, what was she [the wife, that is] thinking? -- but it does happen. I have certainly seen many male-female couples where the husband seems a little bit "queeny" [that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, of course]. The guy may be attracted to men but may not identify as gay, thinking of himself as bisexual or even straight.

There are a few theories as to why women marry men who seem gay. Some wives in this situation are closeted lesbians; others are so in love with the guy that they look past his femme exterior -- which they may like in any case -- and are in denial. Then there's the somewhat homophobic and/or unsophisticated response: he's a great guy and he fucks me so he can't be gay [as if a guy can't be a great guy if he's gay, or a basically gay guy can't possibly have sex with a woman]. The feminine guy they love is like a soul-mate, a boyfriend and best female friend rolled up into one.

Anyway, I think we've all had women introduce us to their husbands and boyfriends and think to ourselves: Sheesh -- can't she tell this guy is gay? On the other side of the butch-femme spectrum, on more than one occasion I've had women introduce me to guys who may not be obviously gay but that I've seen in gay bars or even been intimate with. Talk about awkward moments!

What I have to make clear is that it is not true that only "butch" or butcher gay men get involved with women. Nor is it true that men who are bisexual [at least in the technical sense in that they are attracted to men but have wives or girlfriends] are more masculine than men who are strictly gay. Again, many bisexual men are actually quite effeminate, and most of the strictly gay men I've met are pretty masculine. [And, while we're on the subject, men who are "tops" are not necessarily more masculine than guys who are "bottoms."]

In other words, there are no hard and fast rules. Confusing, maybe, but it keeps you on your toes!

Oops! Trick Has Fiancee

Dr. Bill, I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm a 28-year-old gay guy. I recently tricked with a guy around my age that I met in a gay bar. We had a very nice time, and the next morning he went out to get some donuts and coffee while I showered and got dressed. I heard a key in the lock and assumed it's him. Instead it's a young woman. She turns out to be the guy's fiancee. I hemmed and hawed as to who I was and how I knew "Barry." "Barry"came back with the donuts and immediately I saw the look on his face and could tell the fiancee had no clue he was into guys. I got out of there without having coffee, and left him to explain. Later he e-mailed me to say he really liked me and wanted to see me again, that he had thought he was bisexual but realized he was gay and was struggling to find a way to tell his fiancee and break things off with her. I don't know what to think. I would like to see him again, but not if the fiancee stays in the picture and not if he's all conflicted -- what a bore! What do you suggest I do? Anon.

You're right about one thing. Guys like this can be a big bore.

Tell the guy you're not interested in hearing from him until he's free of commitments -- and being engaged to someone is certainly a commitment!

Even then you'll have to get to know him a lot better before you can decide if he's the type of guy who is self-accepting enough to enter into a relationship with another man (besides sex, of course) -- or if he's one of these guys who needs to present a "straight" facade to the world --hence the fiancee.

I realize that at this point it's too soon for you to know if this man is someone you would seriously consider as a lover candidate, but the fact that you see this whole business as a "big mess" tells me that you already have certain feelings for him.

You don't need to get involved in this situation, especially if he's not going to be honest with the woman in his life. Why waste time trying to help him come out when ultimately he wants to stay in the closet and stick to guys on the "down low."

Tell him: get in touch when you're available and not before. You don't date guys who have girlfriends.

Gay Nephew Coming Out to Girlfriend

My nephew has realized that he's gay and wants to come out to his girlfriend. Any suggestions? TP.

Well, he could always take her to a gay bar and start making out with the bartender.

Seriously, there's only one way to do this and that's for him to sit her down and have a talk with her. I don't know how long they've been dating or how much she's into your nephew, but this is not something that he should postpone. It may be that the girlfriend will say that she already suspected, or she may be completely surprised. [Which happens more than people imagine. Women frequently say "I would know" but they base this assertion on stereotypes, and most gay men don't conform to them.] Your nephew may be able to turn what was once a potentially romantic relationship -- at least as far as the girlfriend is concerned -- into a solid friendship. Or the girlfriend may have to avoid your nephew in order to get over him.

In any case, it wouldn't be fair for him to string her along. Sadly, some gay guys -- especially those who are struggling to come out or are fresh out of the closet --sort of hold onto the girlfriend until they're comfortable enough with their sexuality to come out to everyone. This is especially true if the guy is very close to the girlfriend; she's his best friend. Meanwhile the girlfriend is making plans for the wedding!

As soon as a guy comes to the incontrovertible conclusion that he's homosexual, it's time to tell the girlfriend that their relationship has to end -- or metamorphose into something entirely different.