Paranoid about the Down Low

Dr. Bill, I just read your response to 'Asking your boyfriend if he is gay' 4 Mar 2010. My fear that my boyfriend has been with other men could be due to paranoia. I watch TV and hear about men on the 'down-low'; men giving their wives/girlfriends AIDs and I am afraid. So, how do I really know, how do I confront my boyfriend and ask him if he has been with men and not offend him? Thank you Ms. Paranoid

First of all, there's no real need to confront your boyfriend unless you have concrete reasons for thinking he's attracted to other men and acting on those attractions. [I give some of the reasons for being suspicious on that earlier post.] Because there seem to be so many men even in these more enlightened days who are attracted to men but married to or involved with women, I suppose it can make some women a little paranoid. But remember that there are many more genuinely heterosexual men then there are gay or bi men, so the odds are in your favor.

If you feel a need to broach the subject with your boyfriend, you can say you found out a friend of yours is gay and see what his reaction is. This will hopefully lead into a discussion on homosexuality and you can monitor his opinions on the subject. You can playfully ask if he ever experimented in that direction. A lot will depend on his reactions to what you say. If he admits that he "experimented" you can ask for a fuller explanation. As I've said many times, a man who has had sex or relationships with other men in the past doesn't suddenly become heterosexual. It just doesn't work that way.

But unless he's getting sexy emails from guys, has joined a gay dating service, or has gay porn on his computer, chances are that your boyfriend is straight.

As I said in the earlier post, if you are convinced your boyfriend is gay, sit down and have a talk with him. It takes a very special person to help someone she loves comes out of the closet, knowing that it may forever end their romantic relationship. Remember not to "accuse" someone of being gay -- it's not criminal to be gay or even in the closet. You can't just tell someone they're gay, especially if they are repressed or deeply closeted and ashamed. But sometimes an honest discussion can lead to a positive result.

Oops! Trick Has Fiancee

Dr. Bill, I'm in a bit of a mess. I'm a 28-year-old gay guy. I recently tricked with a guy around my age that I met in a gay bar. We had a very nice time, and the next morning he went out to get some donuts and coffee while I showered and got dressed. I heard a key in the lock and assumed it's him. Instead it's a young woman. She turns out to be the guy's fiancee. I hemmed and hawed as to who I was and how I knew "Barry." "Barry"came back with the donuts and immediately I saw the look on his face and could tell the fiancee had no clue he was into guys. I got out of there without having coffee, and left him to explain. Later he e-mailed me to say he really liked me and wanted to see me again, that he had thought he was bisexual but realized he was gay and was struggling to find a way to tell his fiancee and break things off with her. I don't know what to think. I would like to see him again, but not if the fiancee stays in the picture and not if he's all conflicted -- what a bore! What do you suggest I do? Anon.

You're right about one thing. Guys like this can be a big bore.

Tell the guy you're not interested in hearing from him until he's free of commitments -- and being engaged to someone is certainly a commitment!

Even then you'll have to get to know him a lot better before you can decide if he's the type of guy who is self-accepting enough to enter into a relationship with another man (besides sex, of course) -- or if he's one of these guys who needs to present a "straight" facade to the world --hence the fiancee.

I realize that at this point it's too soon for you to know if this man is someone you would seriously consider as a lover candidate, but the fact that you see this whole business as a "big mess" tells me that you already have certain feelings for him.

You don't need to get involved in this situation, especially if he's not going to be honest with the woman in his life. Why waste time trying to help him come out when ultimately he wants to stay in the closet and stick to guys on the "down low."

Tell him: get in touch when you're available and not before. You don't date guys who have girlfriends.

Blacks More Homophobic?

I have heard of a report which suggests that black people are more homophobic than white. Is this true? Anon.

Actually one study suggested that white people were more accepting of gay marriage than black people. And there are (mostly white) homophobes who are saying that if gay marriage is accepted it will supposedly help deteriorate the black family because black men (I assume they mean those on the "down-low") will not marry the mothers of their children. But since most of those down-low guys (who belong to all ethnic backgrounds, not just African-American) are deeply ashamed of their homoerotic feelings one can't imagine them marrying one of the guys they have sex with.

Let's keep things in perspective. Yes, there are homophobic African-Americans, and yes there are racist gays. But there are also Out and Proud Gay African-Americans as well as many straight African-Americans who are committed to Gay Rights (just as there have been many gays who have been committed to the civil rights struggle for blacks.) The fact that some members of minority groups have issues with other minority groups should not be used as an excuse to tolerate bigotry of any kind. Gays who may have conscious or sub-conscious racist feelings should not think those feelings are justified simply because there are homophobic African-Americans.

Our Gay Black Brothers and Sisters have a tough enough time belonging to two misunderstood minority groups. Let's not make it worse for them.

As for the homophobes, whatever race they may belong to: Let's do our best to educate them, and if that doesn't work, give them a good swift kick in the pants!

Are Gay Men More Hated Than Lesbians?

It's my perception that gay men are more hated than lesbians, and are more likely to lie about their orientation? Is this true? H.

Interesting question, but it's hard to determine. Years ago a study (which both straight-identified men and women participated in) suggested that lesbians were more "admired" because they were seen as being "like men" while there was more contempt for gay men because they were supposedly "like women." But this was many years ago, and only one study, and hopefully women's rights has done away with this idea that men are superior to women (although this attitude persists in sexist and stupid individuals of both sexes).

Just because some straight guys find the idea of two women ("hot babes" only) making out or having sex with each other to be titillating, doesn't mean they are accepting of real lesbians or same-sex relationships between two women. There have been many cases of lesbians coming up against blatant discrimination, and I'm sure if you asked any of them if they there was less prejudice against lesbians than gay men they would, understandably, cry foul.

Is there a female equivalent of the "down low," where someone has a straight relationship but secretly has same-sex encounters on the side? Probably, but there hasn't been much research into it. Women may in general be more open about their bisexual habits than men.

Comedians often make stupid jokes about lesbians, although it does seem as if "fag" jokes -- as opposed to "dyke" jokes -- abound, but it has to be remembered that whether someone is putting down or making fun of a gay man or a lesbian, they are being homophobic in either case. Gay men are also being put down by "dyke" jokes because they are anti-gay -- and vice versa.

Somehow the notion of men having sex with each other (especially when it comes to sodomy) seems to disturb people more than the idea of two women together. But this doesn't mean that lesbianism is totally accepted in our society any more than male homosexuality.