I hope this is not offensive. Is it true that gay men who for one reason or another marry and have children, maybe because they can't accept being gay, are more "macho" than gay men who are strictly gay. I mean is it easier for them to "pass " because they do, after all, get married -- so they can't be obviously gay or women would reject them. I probably haven't explained this well but I hope you understand what I'm driving at. Anon,
I understand what you're driving at, but I have to tell you that you're off base on this one.
I know it may seem strange that an effeminate, stereotypically gay man can marry a woman and even have children -- you wonder, what was she [the wife, that is] thinking? -- but it does happen. I have certainly seen many male-female couples where the husband seems a little bit "queeny" [that doesn't necessarily mean he's gay, of course]. The guy may be attracted to men but may not identify as gay, thinking of himself as bisexual or even straight.
There are a few theories as to why women marry men who seem gay. Some wives in this situation are closeted lesbians; others are so in love with the guy that they look past his femme exterior -- which they may like in any case -- and are in denial. Then there's the somewhat homophobic and/or unsophisticated response: he's a great guy and he fucks me so he can't be gay [as if a guy can't be a great guy if he's gay, or a basically gay guy can't possibly have sex with a woman]. The feminine guy they love is like a soul-mate, a boyfriend and best female friend rolled up into one.
Anyway, I think we've all had women introduce us to their husbands and boyfriends and think to ourselves: Sheesh -- can't she tell this guy is gay? On the other side of the butch-femme spectrum, on more than one occasion I've had women introduce me to guys who may not be obviously gay but that I've seen in gay bars or even been intimate with. Talk about awkward moments!
What I have to make clear is that it is not true that only "butch" or butcher gay men get involved with women. Nor is it true that men who are bisexual [at least in the technical sense in that they are attracted to men but have wives or girlfriends] are more masculine than men who are strictly gay. Again, many bisexual men are actually quite effeminate, and most of the strictly gay men I've met are pretty masculine. [And, while we're on the subject, men who are "tops" are not necessarily more masculine than guys who are "bottoms."]
In other words, there are no hard and fast rules. Confusing, maybe, but it keeps you on your toes!
Showing posts with label butch numbers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label butch numbers. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
So what ABOUT limp-wristed hairdresses?
You've referred to gay stereotypes such as "limp-wristed hairdressers" in your posts. Well, what would you say to a man who is gay and who just happens to be a limp-wristed hairdresser? Where does such a person fit in your gay world?
Great question! [I do have a friend who happens to be a gay hairdresser but he isn't limp-wristed.]
Where does he fit in "my" gay world? He's one of my gay brothers. Just because I've made the point that most gay men don't fit neatly into stereotypical cubby holes, doesn't mean I'm not aware that there are gay men who do. They are part of "my" gay world.
True, most of the gay guys I hang out with I wouldn't call "queens," but some of them are on the cusp -- big deal! I've never claimed to be Charles Bronson! [Not saying he was gay, nor that I especially cared one way or the other.]
And by the way, out of all the gay men I've met, including some rather swishy ones, on only one occasion have I ever met one who literally had limp wrists. I don't mean that caricatured arm-hand flip or whatever you call it that some guys supposedly indulge in. I mean, he held out his arms and the hands just dangled downward at the wrists as if suspended in mid-air, like a begging dog holding out its front paws as it stood upright on its back legs. Quite strange, actually. I've no doubt there are others in the world, but there certainly aren't many of them -- not that I'm saying that means they're bad people or that they have no place in my world, mind you!
For the record, I don't approve of "queen-bashing," and I hardly ever see it happening, even in butch bear bars. Sure, some masculine gay men may express their sexual disinterest in effeminate guys, but when they encounter them in bars or at parties they seem to have no problem being perfectly friendly, even forming lasting friendships.
Gay guys come in all types, shapes and sizes. We may have different styles, attitudes, politics, and so on. We may not always agree or get along
But we're all gay brothers, eh?
Great question! [I do have a friend who happens to be a gay hairdresser but he isn't limp-wristed.]
Where does he fit in "my" gay world? He's one of my gay brothers. Just because I've made the point that most gay men don't fit neatly into stereotypical cubby holes, doesn't mean I'm not aware that there are gay men who do. They are part of "my" gay world.
True, most of the gay guys I hang out with I wouldn't call "queens," but some of them are on the cusp -- big deal! I've never claimed to be Charles Bronson! [Not saying he was gay, nor that I especially cared one way or the other.]
And by the way, out of all the gay men I've met, including some rather swishy ones, on only one occasion have I ever met one who literally had limp wrists. I don't mean that caricatured arm-hand flip or whatever you call it that some guys supposedly indulge in. I mean, he held out his arms and the hands just dangled downward at the wrists as if suspended in mid-air, like a begging dog holding out its front paws as it stood upright on its back legs. Quite strange, actually. I've no doubt there are others in the world, but there certainly aren't many of them -- not that I'm saying that means they're bad people or that they have no place in my world, mind you!
For the record, I don't approve of "queen-bashing," and I hardly ever see it happening, even in butch bear bars. Sure, some masculine gay men may express their sexual disinterest in effeminate guys, but when they encounter them in bars or at parties they seem to have no problem being perfectly friendly, even forming lasting friendships.
Gay guys come in all types, shapes and sizes. We may have different styles, attitudes, politics, and so on. We may not always agree or get along
But we're all gay brothers, eh?
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Whole "Queen" Thing
I'm a gay guy, but I confess that I don't get the whole "queen" thing, and especially not the drag queen thing. You can slam me if you want, but that's how I feel. What is up with those guys? Anon.
I'm a little confused here. I assume you're a butch or non-stereotypical gay man -- most of us are, in fact -- and you don't understand why some gay guys are queeny? I'll proceed from that supposition. [I'll confess right now in the interest of full disclosure that some queens can drive me right up the wall, while others I find warm, friendly, gay-positive and altogether terrific. But that's true of the butch numbers as well. ]
Most if not all "queens" are gay but most gay guys are not queens. For reasons that have never quite been determined, a certain percentage of gay men are stereotypically effeminate or "swishy" to a certain degree. This may run from a mild softness or slight girlishness on occasion to full-out screaming queen mania that's on all the time.
If there's a gene to determine sexual orientation, as some studies suggest, is there also a gene to determine whether or not a gay person is butch or femme? Somehow I doubt it. I think effeminacy in men is an acquired trait. In other words, it has to do with how and by whom a man is raised and with his environment. Then again -- and here's where things really get confusing -- there are queeny gay men who have strong male role models, who are not surrounded and raised by women, and who grow up in atmospheres that aren't especially "feminine." So who knows? So let's just say that effeminacy can be an acquired trait but may not be in all cases. [And let's not forget -- Saturday Night Live jokes aside -- that there are undoubtedly effeminate heterosexual men. Not just straight-identified, but straight.]
But now we come to drag queens, men who dress up as women. In general, if these men are gay we call them drag queens; if straight -- and yes, there are heterosexual men who like to dress up as women -- we call them transvestites. In any case, most gay men are not transvestites and have zero interest in dressing up as women.
For one reason or another some gay men -- and perhaps some straight men as well -- identity with the opposite sex to such a degree that they feel in part female. This is different from a transsexual person, who can be an actual female trapped in a male body or vice versa. Undoubtedly there are TVs [transvestites] and drag queens who are unacknowledged transsexuals. An extreme identification with women can lead a man to spend much if not all of his time in drag and in a female persona. These guys may feel unattractive and colorless without the female finery; getting in drag helps them get out of their shell and develop a personality the way that imbibing a few drinks does for other people. And, strange as it sounds, this may be completely unrelated to their sexual orientation. [And some men find sexual gratification in dressing up as women.]
This is why you don't "get" drag queens. Because it isn't a gay thing as such at all. Drag queens are a part of the gay community, but they have their own special needs and purposes that most gay men can't especially relate to at all.
As for queens or femmes -- gay men who are stereotypical but aren't necessarily interested in dressing in drag -- a lot of times they pick up their flamboyant gestures and behavior by mimicking the more "outrageous" gay men they they first meet when they come out. A lot of swishy behavior is just acting, camping it up. A snide homophobe may think that beneath every butch number there's a queen but the truth is that sometimes it's just the opposite. Some guys act effeminate simply because that's what they think gay guys do. If they get involved with the more masculine side of gay culture, they may drop the whole swish thing, although if they're old enough it may have become such a large part of who they are that it becomes impossible to change.
But as I've said before, butch or femme, we're all gay brothers, each with our own unique way of expressing ourselves.
Macho or swishy, drag queen or leather king, sports fan or Broadway enthusiast, we don't necessarily have to "get" each other.
But respect each other we must, for divided we will definitely fall.
I'm a little confused here. I assume you're a butch or non-stereotypical gay man -- most of us are, in fact -- and you don't understand why some gay guys are queeny? I'll proceed from that supposition. [I'll confess right now in the interest of full disclosure that some queens can drive me right up the wall, while others I find warm, friendly, gay-positive and altogether terrific. But that's true of the butch numbers as well. ]
Most if not all "queens" are gay but most gay guys are not queens. For reasons that have never quite been determined, a certain percentage of gay men are stereotypically effeminate or "swishy" to a certain degree. This may run from a mild softness or slight girlishness on occasion to full-out screaming queen mania that's on all the time.
If there's a gene to determine sexual orientation, as some studies suggest, is there also a gene to determine whether or not a gay person is butch or femme? Somehow I doubt it. I think effeminacy in men is an acquired trait. In other words, it has to do with how and by whom a man is raised and with his environment. Then again -- and here's where things really get confusing -- there are queeny gay men who have strong male role models, who are not surrounded and raised by women, and who grow up in atmospheres that aren't especially "feminine." So who knows? So let's just say that effeminacy can be an acquired trait but may not be in all cases. [And let's not forget -- Saturday Night Live jokes aside -- that there are undoubtedly effeminate heterosexual men. Not just straight-identified, but straight.]
But now we come to drag queens, men who dress up as women. In general, if these men are gay we call them drag queens; if straight -- and yes, there are heterosexual men who like to dress up as women -- we call them transvestites. In any case, most gay men are not transvestites and have zero interest in dressing up as women.
For one reason or another some gay men -- and perhaps some straight men as well -- identity with the opposite sex to such a degree that they feel in part female. This is different from a transsexual person, who can be an actual female trapped in a male body or vice versa. Undoubtedly there are TVs [transvestites] and drag queens who are unacknowledged transsexuals. An extreme identification with women can lead a man to spend much if not all of his time in drag and in a female persona. These guys may feel unattractive and colorless without the female finery; getting in drag helps them get out of their shell and develop a personality the way that imbibing a few drinks does for other people. And, strange as it sounds, this may be completely unrelated to their sexual orientation. [And some men find sexual gratification in dressing up as women.]
This is why you don't "get" drag queens. Because it isn't a gay thing as such at all. Drag queens are a part of the gay community, but they have their own special needs and purposes that most gay men can't especially relate to at all.
As for queens or femmes -- gay men who are stereotypical but aren't necessarily interested in dressing in drag -- a lot of times they pick up their flamboyant gestures and behavior by mimicking the more "outrageous" gay men they they first meet when they come out. A lot of swishy behavior is just acting, camping it up. A snide homophobe may think that beneath every butch number there's a queen but the truth is that sometimes it's just the opposite. Some guys act effeminate simply because that's what they think gay guys do. If they get involved with the more masculine side of gay culture, they may drop the whole swish thing, although if they're old enough it may have become such a large part of who they are that it becomes impossible to change.
But as I've said before, butch or femme, we're all gay brothers, each with our own unique way of expressing ourselves.
Macho or swishy, drag queen or leather king, sports fan or Broadway enthusiast, we don't necessarily have to "get" each other.
But respect each other we must, for divided we will definitely fall.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Do Bears Predominate?
Is bear culture taking over the whole gay community? Why do gay men feel they have to butch it up all the time? Anon.
Uh, many gay guys just happen to be "butch" (very masculine -- or at least not effeminate); some are not. Most -- like straight men -- are somewhere in between.
No gay man who isn't butch should feel a need to "butch it up" if he doesn't want to. Everyone should feel free to be themselves. It's all about accepting yourself for who or what you are. You don't have to be butch or ultra-masculine to be happy.
Some men feel a need to come on strong, macho, when they enter a bar that has a decidedly masculine atmosphere. Some guys overdo it. They may already be butch enough, so they think that being rude, stepping on people's feet, and acting like a jerk, makes them more macho. Straight guys do this, too. Gay or straight, a jerk is a jerk.
As for bear culture taking over, I think it's really that -- in some places, at least -- people are beginning to realize that there's more to the gay male community than the proverbial "limp-wristed hairdresser." [Hell, there's more to the hairdresser's community.] You might think that in this day and age everyone is more sophisticated about the diversity of our community, but you'd be surprised how many supposedly hip people (including some gays) still think in terms of stereotypes.
[Just the other night a man in a gay bar said to two other customers. "I'm not into sports. Gay men are not into sports." The two other men vigorously disagreed, as both were baseball fans.]
Gay men, like all men, are into whatever the hell they want to be. [I admit that it's a distinct possibility that gay men in general feel freer to explore options -- art and culture, for instance -- that some straight men may cut themselves off from out of their own fears and insecurities. But let me make it clear that there are many hetero men who are not ashamed to be seen at the ballet or opera -- good for them! -- and some gay men who wouldn't be caught dead in such venues. Too bad!]
The emergence of bear culture means that the definition of attractiveness has been expanded to include men that the more stereotypical gay males supposedly eschew: hairy guys, chubby guys, guys who don't dress in color-coordinated outfits or designer clothing. People are learning that there's more to the gay male community than willowy young queens [not to put those guys down].
Don't look at this as a bad thing. People need to learn that gay men come in all shapes, sizes, and attitudes. We are literally everywhere!
Bear culture will not supplant or destroy non-bear gay culture. It will compliment it.
Butch or femme, feel free to be yourself. And recognize that everyone has a special niche in the gay community.
And that we're all gay brothers.
Uh, many gay guys just happen to be "butch" (very masculine -- or at least not effeminate); some are not. Most -- like straight men -- are somewhere in between.
No gay man who isn't butch should feel a need to "butch it up" if he doesn't want to. Everyone should feel free to be themselves. It's all about accepting yourself for who or what you are. You don't have to be butch or ultra-masculine to be happy.
Some men feel a need to come on strong, macho, when they enter a bar that has a decidedly masculine atmosphere. Some guys overdo it. They may already be butch enough, so they think that being rude, stepping on people's feet, and acting like a jerk, makes them more macho. Straight guys do this, too. Gay or straight, a jerk is a jerk.
As for bear culture taking over, I think it's really that -- in some places, at least -- people are beginning to realize that there's more to the gay male community than the proverbial "limp-wristed hairdresser." [Hell, there's more to the hairdresser's community.] You might think that in this day and age everyone is more sophisticated about the diversity of our community, but you'd be surprised how many supposedly hip people (including some gays) still think in terms of stereotypes.
[Just the other night a man in a gay bar said to two other customers. "I'm not into sports. Gay men are not into sports." The two other men vigorously disagreed, as both were baseball fans.]
Gay men, like all men, are into whatever the hell they want to be. [I admit that it's a distinct possibility that gay men in general feel freer to explore options -- art and culture, for instance -- that some straight men may cut themselves off from out of their own fears and insecurities. But let me make it clear that there are many hetero men who are not ashamed to be seen at the ballet or opera -- good for them! -- and some gay men who wouldn't be caught dead in such venues. Too bad!]
The emergence of bear culture means that the definition of attractiveness has been expanded to include men that the more stereotypical gay males supposedly eschew: hairy guys, chubby guys, guys who don't dress in color-coordinated outfits or designer clothing. People are learning that there's more to the gay male community than willowy young queens [not to put those guys down].
Don't look at this as a bad thing. People need to learn that gay men come in all shapes, sizes, and attitudes. We are literally everywhere!
Bear culture will not supplant or destroy non-bear gay culture. It will compliment it.
Butch or femme, feel free to be yourself. And recognize that everyone has a special niche in the gay community.
And that we're all gay brothers.
Monday, May 18, 2009
What a Drag!
I am a masculine gay man in my thirties and I can't understand why there seems to be this incredible preoccupation with drag, or at least this perception that all or most gay men are into wearing dresses. I've never had the slightest desire to dress up as a woman and neither do any of my gay male friends. Why does this stereotype persist? A character came out on a TV show and his mother started asking his dress size! Perplexed.
Some time ago an actor on a soap opera was giving an interview. He had just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He said: "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses."
Huh?
Yes, you would think that this tiresome confusion of homosexuality with transvestism -- or of equating gay men with women -- would have gone out the window long ago. I don't think most gay men are preoccupied with or have any interest in drag, but the media makes it seem otherwise. As for TV shows, we've got stupid writers who can't come up with anything original. We all know that there are "queens"-- in and out of drag -- in our community, and I'm certainly not suggesting they should be put down in any way, shape or form. Our world would certainly be a little bit duller without them. But the whole world already knows that there are femmes in the gay male community. It's time we saw more portrayals of gay men as most of us are: non-stereotypical -- not to mention the bears, leather hunks, super-butch types and all the rest. It's gotten to a point where if you see a bear-like or just masculine gay guy in a movie it's considered a big joke-- how could somebody like that be gay?
Drag queens seem to be a disproportionate part of the gay community because whenever there's a march, parade or event, the cameras instantly capture the more colorful members of the community -- which includes drag queens. This has in part created a feeling among people that there are many more drag queens than there really are, and that drag is an inherent part of every gay man's life, while nothing could be further from the truth. Hopefully TV people and filmmakers will eventually explore the gay world in all of its diversity.
But I'm not holding my breath.
Some time ago an actor on a soap opera was giving an interview. He had just been told that his character was going to turn out to be gay. He said: "I guess I'll have to go out and buy some dresses."
Huh?
Yes, you would think that this tiresome confusion of homosexuality with transvestism -- or of equating gay men with women -- would have gone out the window long ago. I don't think most gay men are preoccupied with or have any interest in drag, but the media makes it seem otherwise. As for TV shows, we've got stupid writers who can't come up with anything original. We all know that there are "queens"-- in and out of drag -- in our community, and I'm certainly not suggesting they should be put down in any way, shape or form. Our world would certainly be a little bit duller without them. But the whole world already knows that there are femmes in the gay male community. It's time we saw more portrayals of gay men as most of us are: non-stereotypical -- not to mention the bears, leather hunks, super-butch types and all the rest. It's gotten to a point where if you see a bear-like or just masculine gay guy in a movie it's considered a big joke-- how could somebody like that be gay?
Drag queens seem to be a disproportionate part of the gay community because whenever there's a march, parade or event, the cameras instantly capture the more colorful members of the community -- which includes drag queens. This has in part created a feeling among people that there are many more drag queens than there really are, and that drag is an inherent part of every gay man's life, while nothing could be further from the truth. Hopefully TV people and filmmakers will eventually explore the gay world in all of its diversity.
But I'm not holding my breath.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Big Queens or Super-Butch?
Okay, let's be honest, aren't most gay guys big queens? I mean, I'm a big queen. Can't speak for you, but isn't that the case for most of us? LL
Nope. In my experience, the vast majority of gay men are just average guys who happen to like other guys. You have to remember that the "big queens" as you call them, -- or the more "fabulous" or flamboyant, stereotypical members of the gay male community -- do tend to, well, stick out a little more. The media also tends to play up the more colorful members of the community. Therefore many people, gay and straight, can erroneously believe that most gay men are "queens" or femmes. It just ain't so. I'm not saying most gay guys are super-butch -- although gay guys like that certainly exist -- but remember that most straight guys aren't super-macho, either. There are even effeminate heterosexual men.
While most well-adjusted masculine gay men do not make fun or put down "femmes" -- although they may at times roll their eyes at certain behavior patterns -- I do recognize that many self-described queens want or need to believe that most gays are queens like them because it makes them feel more comfortable; the whole safety in numbers bit. Also some queens strictly hang out in places where other queens congregate -- they do not go to bear bars, for instance.
Speaking of which, I really think that this whole perception that all or most gay men are queens seems a little out of date with the emergence of bear culture. Although there are effeminate hairy guys, most bears (or otters or wolves or bear cubs and so on) are gay guys who do not fit into neat little stereotypes. And the bear community is huge.
Look, no one wants to be a minority within a minority, but look at it this way. The gay community is very diverse, and queens and drag queens are one part of it -- and the gay community would be a little duller, perhaps, without them. I also have to say that I have personally never seen a bear (or otter or wolf etc. etc.) be unkind to any femme gay guy who happens to wander into the scene or is a bear "chaser."
Celebrate our diversity. Celebrate yourself. Whether you're a butch bear or a "big queen," gay life can be -- is -- great, right?
Nope. In my experience, the vast majority of gay men are just average guys who happen to like other guys. You have to remember that the "big queens" as you call them, -- or the more "fabulous" or flamboyant, stereotypical members of the gay male community -- do tend to, well, stick out a little more. The media also tends to play up the more colorful members of the community. Therefore many people, gay and straight, can erroneously believe that most gay men are "queens" or femmes. It just ain't so. I'm not saying most gay guys are super-butch -- although gay guys like that certainly exist -- but remember that most straight guys aren't super-macho, either. There are even effeminate heterosexual men.
While most well-adjusted masculine gay men do not make fun or put down "femmes" -- although they may at times roll their eyes at certain behavior patterns -- I do recognize that many self-described queens want or need to believe that most gays are queens like them because it makes them feel more comfortable; the whole safety in numbers bit. Also some queens strictly hang out in places where other queens congregate -- they do not go to bear bars, for instance.
Speaking of which, I really think that this whole perception that all or most gay men are queens seems a little out of date with the emergence of bear culture. Although there are effeminate hairy guys, most bears (or otters or wolves or bear cubs and so on) are gay guys who do not fit into neat little stereotypes. And the bear community is huge.
Look, no one wants to be a minority within a minority, but look at it this way. The gay community is very diverse, and queens and drag queens are one part of it -- and the gay community would be a little duller, perhaps, without them. I also have to say that I have personally never seen a bear (or otter or wolf etc. etc.) be unkind to any femme gay guy who happens to wander into the scene or is a bear "chaser."
Celebrate our diversity. Celebrate yourself. Whether you're a butch bear or a "big queen," gay life can be -- is -- great, right?
Monday, November 10, 2008
Butch and Femme: The Facts
Are masculine gay men always tops and effeminate gay men always bottoms? Also are masculine gay men more likely to be married to women and/or bisexual? Anon.
The fact is that whether or not a gay man is stereotypical in his comportment usually provides little clue to his sexual behavior or even his private life or level of "outness." There are very masculine men who are strictly bottoms, and effeminate men who are strictly tops. There are even married [to women] homosexual men who seem obviously gay to everyone else.
I have met men who identify as bisexual and date/sleep with women as well as men and who are quite effeminate, and have also known many men who are very masculine and who are strictly and totally gay.
There is also an erroneous feeling among some people that stereotypical gay men are more likely to be out of the closet, and vice versa. Effeminate gay men may not be able to "pass" (and if they try to may elicit snickers), but I have met some who are completely in the closet. I also know many masculine gay men who are totally out of the closet.
People love to put everyone in neat little categories but it just doesn't work with gay men (or lesbians) anymore than it does with straight men and women. One simply can't and shouldn't come to easy conclusions about people even if it's tempting to do so.
As I've said many times, the gay community is incredibly diverse and everyone is an individual with individual tastes, attitudes, personal feelings towards themselves and their sexuality, and so on.
Viva la difference.
The fact is that whether or not a gay man is stereotypical in his comportment usually provides little clue to his sexual behavior or even his private life or level of "outness." There are very masculine men who are strictly bottoms, and effeminate men who are strictly tops. There are even married [to women] homosexual men who seem obviously gay to everyone else.
I have met men who identify as bisexual and date/sleep with women as well as men and who are quite effeminate, and have also known many men who are very masculine and who are strictly and totally gay.
There is also an erroneous feeling among some people that stereotypical gay men are more likely to be out of the closet, and vice versa. Effeminate gay men may not be able to "pass" (and if they try to may elicit snickers), but I have met some who are completely in the closet. I also know many masculine gay men who are totally out of the closet.
People love to put everyone in neat little categories but it just doesn't work with gay men (or lesbians) anymore than it does with straight men and women. One simply can't and shouldn't come to easy conclusions about people even if it's tempting to do so.
As I've said many times, the gay community is incredibly diverse and everyone is an individual with individual tastes, attitudes, personal feelings towards themselves and their sexuality, and so on.
Viva la difference.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Butch and Femme
Why are some gay men very obvious and effeminate and others you wouldn't ever know are gay, I mean, you can't tell one way or the other. I'm a gay man by the way. Anon.
That's a good question. And not an easy one to answer. There will be some who disagree with this, but I think the vast majority of gay men are not stereotypical, but that the more flamboyant gay men sort of "stick out" a lot more. Some people think that "fabulous" gay men tend to be out of the closet more than those of us who are less fabulous, but it's just as likely that fab guys or "femmes" or "queens" find it much harder, if not impossible, to pass for straight. I know a great many masculine gay men who are completely out of the closet, and I have even met effeminate men who say they are straight but later on admit they are gay. (Not to mention effeminate or "girlish" or "soft" men who may actually be heterosexual!)
Why the difference? Well, here's one theory for what it's worth. For a long time there was a debate as to whether homosexuality was something a person was born with or acquired over time (from the way they were raised, their environment, etc.). Nowadays we -- correctly, I believe - lean toward accepting that we're born gay. But the other traits we have -- those may come about because of the way we're raised or other environmental factors.
For instance, is it possible that feminine gay men are raised primarily by women, or are closer to the female members of their family? Is there an element of unacknowledged transsexuality in the more outrageously flamboyant members of the gay male community? The element of transvestism and female identification is what makes a small percentage of gay men become drag queens (there are also straight men who also like to dress up as women).
But here's the rub. I bet if a study were taken, we'd discover examples of masculine gay men who were raised strictly by women, and effeminate gay men who had a strong masculine father in their life. So it gets confusing.
To further confound the issue, how much effeminate behavior in "queens" is -- for lack of a better word -- "natural" to them, and how much is acquired? I have known gay men who are basically masculine but who are capable of "camping" it up, even becoming a bit swishy, when they feel like it. Most gay men have no desire to do this, of course, but sometimes a gay man will want in no uncertain terms to let everyone in the room know he's gay and that's the way he'll choose to do it, by becoming a recognizable stereotype. (I would prefer they just tell people they're gay but to each his own.) Or maybe the first gay men who befriended him loved to camp and swish and he has consciously or unconsciously mimicked them throughout his life.
To add a note of humor, let me tell you the story of "Bubbalina." This guy was the cousin of my first boyfriend, and both were from Romania. Bubbalina spoke in such a high, squeaky voice that on the phone people would assume he was a woman. I figured that was just the way he talked, he couldn't do anything about it, because after all why would he talk that way if he could help it? One afternoon I came to see my boyfriend, with whom Bubbalina -- as the cousin was called -- was staying. I heard a deep, gruff masculine voice behind the door to the apartment telling my boyfriend's dog to "go away, get out of the way!" as someone opened the door for me and I assumed that one of my boyfriend's friends was visiting.
But when the door was opened there was Bubbalina!
The minute he saw me his eyebrows shot up, his mouth opened wide, and he went -- in that high, screechy, feminine voice -- "Oh, hello, look who's here, so nice to see" ---
To this day I've wondered what the hell was up with that? He had a perfectly nice, positively baritone voice -- why did he speak all the time in that screech? Or did he only do it in gay bars and among gay friends and relatives? And why? Was that simply his way of being gay? Did he enjoy it on some strange, campy, peculiar level?
For all I know Bubbalina could now be a closest case with a wife and six kids and the butchest persona of anyone you've ever met.
If there's a moral to this it's that no one has all the answers just yet. The gay community is entitled to its delightful weirdos just as the straight community is. Let's celebrate our diversity, and -- butch or femme -- be kind to each other and not worry about everything too much.
That's a good question. And not an easy one to answer. There will be some who disagree with this, but I think the vast majority of gay men are not stereotypical, but that the more flamboyant gay men sort of "stick out" a lot more. Some people think that "fabulous" gay men tend to be out of the closet more than those of us who are less fabulous, but it's just as likely that fab guys or "femmes" or "queens" find it much harder, if not impossible, to pass for straight. I know a great many masculine gay men who are completely out of the closet, and I have even met effeminate men who say they are straight but later on admit they are gay. (Not to mention effeminate or "girlish" or "soft" men who may actually be heterosexual!)
Why the difference? Well, here's one theory for what it's worth. For a long time there was a debate as to whether homosexuality was something a person was born with or acquired over time (from the way they were raised, their environment, etc.). Nowadays we -- correctly, I believe - lean toward accepting that we're born gay. But the other traits we have -- those may come about because of the way we're raised or other environmental factors.
For instance, is it possible that feminine gay men are raised primarily by women, or are closer to the female members of their family? Is there an element of unacknowledged transsexuality in the more outrageously flamboyant members of the gay male community? The element of transvestism and female identification is what makes a small percentage of gay men become drag queens (there are also straight men who also like to dress up as women).
But here's the rub. I bet if a study were taken, we'd discover examples of masculine gay men who were raised strictly by women, and effeminate gay men who had a strong masculine father in their life. So it gets confusing.
To further confound the issue, how much effeminate behavior in "queens" is -- for lack of a better word -- "natural" to them, and how much is acquired? I have known gay men who are basically masculine but who are capable of "camping" it up, even becoming a bit swishy, when they feel like it. Most gay men have no desire to do this, of course, but sometimes a gay man will want in no uncertain terms to let everyone in the room know he's gay and that's the way he'll choose to do it, by becoming a recognizable stereotype. (I would prefer they just tell people they're gay but to each his own.) Or maybe the first gay men who befriended him loved to camp and swish and he has consciously or unconsciously mimicked them throughout his life.
To add a note of humor, let me tell you the story of "Bubbalina." This guy was the cousin of my first boyfriend, and both were from Romania. Bubbalina spoke in such a high, squeaky voice that on the phone people would assume he was a woman. I figured that was just the way he talked, he couldn't do anything about it, because after all why would he talk that way if he could help it? One afternoon I came to see my boyfriend, with whom Bubbalina -- as the cousin was called -- was staying. I heard a deep, gruff masculine voice behind the door to the apartment telling my boyfriend's dog to "go away, get out of the way!" as someone opened the door for me and I assumed that one of my boyfriend's friends was visiting.
But when the door was opened there was Bubbalina!
The minute he saw me his eyebrows shot up, his mouth opened wide, and he went -- in that high, screechy, feminine voice -- "Oh, hello, look who's here, so nice to see" ---
To this day I've wondered what the hell was up with that? He had a perfectly nice, positively baritone voice -- why did he speak all the time in that screech? Or did he only do it in gay bars and among gay friends and relatives? And why? Was that simply his way of being gay? Did he enjoy it on some strange, campy, peculiar level?
For all I know Bubbalina could now be a closest case with a wife and six kids and the butchest persona of anyone you've ever met.
If there's a moral to this it's that no one has all the answers just yet. The gay community is entitled to its delightful weirdos just as the straight community is. Let's celebrate our diversity, and -- butch or femme -- be kind to each other and not worry about everything too much.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Gay does not = Drag
No offense, but why do gay men like to dress up as women? Anon.
No offense, but generally we don't You're confusing homosexuals with transvestites, many of whom are actually heterosexual. When a man is both a homosexual and a transvestite (or cross-dresser), we call him a "drag queen." Drag queen culture is very colorful, which is why it seems so prominent in the gay scene. During Gay Pride parades and marches, the cameras will often zoom in on the drag queens and other colorful participants and ignore the more "ordinary" gay people. For the same reason the gay media often presents a disproportionate amount of cross-dresser portrayals in movies and documentaries. Some "drag queens" may be transsexuals who are in various stages of transitioning from (biological) male to female.
Drag queens are only a small percentage of the gay community although the media may make it seem as if most, if not all, gay men are drag queens. In truth, most gay men are very happy as men, have no real "identification" with females (as many drag queens do), and have no desire to dress up as women. Many feel the gay community would be quite a bit duller without its drag queens while some butch gay guys get awfully tired of the constant confusion between gays and transvestites.
No offense, but generally we don't You're confusing homosexuals with transvestites, many of whom are actually heterosexual. When a man is both a homosexual and a transvestite (or cross-dresser), we call him a "drag queen." Drag queen culture is very colorful, which is why it seems so prominent in the gay scene. During Gay Pride parades and marches, the cameras will often zoom in on the drag queens and other colorful participants and ignore the more "ordinary" gay people. For the same reason the gay media often presents a disproportionate amount of cross-dresser portrayals in movies and documentaries. Some "drag queens" may be transsexuals who are in various stages of transitioning from (biological) male to female.
Drag queens are only a small percentage of the gay community although the media may make it seem as if most, if not all, gay men are drag queens. In truth, most gay men are very happy as men, have no real "identification" with females (as many drag queens do), and have no desire to dress up as women. Many feel the gay community would be quite a bit duller without its drag queens while some butch gay guys get awfully tired of the constant confusion between gays and transvestites.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)