Who's "Macho" and Who Isn't

I know that some gay men are effeminate and others aren't. What is the difference? Are the gay men who sleep with women, who are bisexual, more masculine than men who just sleep with other men?

Well, I would have to say definitely not, and not just judging by the number of "big queens" I've met who have or have had girlfriends or insist they're bisexual.

Most gay men are not stereotypical, and their outward demeanor -- be it butch or femme -- generally provides no clue to what they do in bed or whom they prefer to sleep with. There are "queeny" guys who are Tops, and very masculine men who are Bottoms. Macho guys who only sleep with guys, and not-so-macho men who [want to] sleep with other men but have wives or girlfriends.

In other words, it's a highly individual matter. In general, men who identify as bisexual -- rightly or wrongly -- do not have a more masculine demeanor than guys who identify as gay. Some, unfortunately, think they are more masculine because of the out-dated, pre-Stonewall thinking that says a man isn't a man unless he has sex with women. I don't need to comment on how tiresome and self-defeating that attitude is, but it does account for the "bisexual" label more often than many would like to admit.

Tops and Condoms

Do "tops" have to wear condoms? Anon.

Yes. Bare-backing is not a good idea either for tops or bottoms. Although it certainly does not occur as often, there have definitely been cases of a top contracting HIV from a bottom partner.

In other words, use condoms whether you're a top, a bottom, or versatile.

Stay safe and have a great time!

Butch and Femme: The Facts

Are masculine gay men always tops and effeminate gay men always bottoms? Also are masculine gay men more likely to be married to women and/or bisexual? Anon.

The fact is that whether or not a gay man is stereotypical in his comportment usually provides little clue to his sexual behavior or even his private life or level of "outness." There are very masculine men who are strictly bottoms, and effeminate men who are strictly tops. There are even married [to women] homosexual men who seem obviously gay to everyone else.

I have met men who identify as bisexual and date/sleep with women as well as men and who are quite effeminate, and have also known many men who are very masculine and who are strictly and totally gay.

There is also an erroneous feeling among some people that stereotypical gay men are more likely to be out of the closet, and vice versa. Effeminate gay men may not be able to "pass" (and if they try to may elicit snickers), but I have met some who are completely in the closet. I also know many masculine gay men who are totally out of the closet.

People love to put everyone in neat little categories but it just doesn't work with gay men (or lesbians) anymore than it does with straight men and women. One simply can't and shouldn't come to easy conclusions about people even if it's tempting to do so.

As I've said many times, the gay community is incredibly diverse and everyone is an individual with individual tastes, attitudes, personal feelings towards themselves and their sexuality, and so on.

Viva la difference.

Dressing to Advantage

Am I out of date or is there still a gay dress code, something that tells you if someone is a top or a bottom, into kinky sex, water sports, and so on? Or has all that been done away with? Don't get out to bars much these days. Anon.

I'm not saying that that's all been done away with but it does seem a little dated. I personally never ascribed to the business of dressing in a certain way or wearing certain items -- color-coded hankies in your left or right pocket and so on -- to reveal your sexual tastes. I believe that sort of thing was once more common in leather bars. If it's still practiced by some guys, I don't know.

I suppose if you wear tight jeans with a big hole cut out showing off your buns, well I'll let you guess what that means -- and I'm sure you can, even if you haven't been in a bar for awhile!