All my boyfriend ever wants to do is smooch, smooch,smooch, but when I try to do something a little bit sexier, y'know fellatio, analism, he backs off. We get naked, and we make out -- and that's it! He seems very, very attracted to me as I am to him, but I can't figure out why he doesn't want to have sex. When I put it to him he just says, "I really like kissing." Forget about a blow job, he won't even touch my dick. I just can't figure out what's going on? Am I with the wrong guy?
Don't jump to conclusions. There are people who prefer kissing over everything else, but I'd be willing to bet that this guy simply wants to stick to very safe sex. However, the fact that he won't even indulge in mutual masturbation -- totally safe -- is a little odd. It may be that he has an abnormal fear of AIDS [safe -- or at least safer -- sex can include other things besides kissing], or perhaps he's HIV positive and can't bring himself to tell you. [For the record it's very unlikely that HIV can be spread via kissing unless both parties have bleeding gums. Even then it's not a given, just a possibility. Contact GMHC -- Gay Men's Health Crisis -- if you have more questions.]
I suggest you sit down and put the question to him, no matter how awkward it may be. Even if he is HIV positive, you can still enjoy safe sex with one another.
But remember, some people are really into kissing. Enjoy!
Showing posts with label HIV infection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HIV infection. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Tops and Condoms
Do "tops" have to wear condoms? Anon.
Yes. Bare-backing is not a good idea either for tops or bottoms. Although it certainly does not occur as often, there have definitely been cases of a top contracting HIV from a bottom partner.
In other words, use condoms whether you're a top, a bottom, or versatile.
Stay safe and have a great time!
Yes. Bare-backing is not a good idea either for tops or bottoms. Although it certainly does not occur as often, there have definitely been cases of a top contracting HIV from a bottom partner.
In other words, use condoms whether you're a top, a bottom, or versatile.
Stay safe and have a great time!
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Bare-Backing Lover
My lover and I have an open relationship but recently I learned to my GREAT distress that he has been bare-backing -- and he's a bottom. He doesn't seem to be possessed of the self-hatred that you've mentioned, but when it's so easy to have your sex partner slip on a condom ... I just can't understand his behavior. What can I do about this? Anon.
Frankly, I can't understand his behavior either. [For the record, bare-backing is engaging in anal sex without using a condom.] I know some tops complain that they don't like to wear condoms, that it interferes with the sensations that they feel [although in that case I would recommend experimenting with different types of condoms, and there are plenty] but it shouldn't make that much difference to a bottom (and again bottoms can also experiment with different types of condoms). Let me make it clear that unprotected anal sex is the absolutely riskiest behavior for gay men. While it is much, much riskier for bottoms, there have been documented cases of tops getting HIV because they didn't use a condom as well.
As for your lover's behavior, there are several explanations [besides the fact that he's being very stupid]. If he's very young, he may feel he's invincible and that bad things only happen to other people -- even though, to everyone else, he is "other people." It's possible his "extra-marital" relationships occur when he's under the influence of something, and he's careless. People who are sexually active should carry condoms at all times and be prepared for every circumstance. If your sex partner says he doesn't have a condom, pull one out of your pocket -- pronto. If he doesn't want to use it, say good-night -- no matter how hot he is. Some sexual experiences just aren't worth the danger.
HIV may not be the death sentence that it once was, but people should by no means take it casually. AIDS is still a serious medical condition that can impact a person's entire life. Simply being HIV positive, while nothing to despair over necessarily, can have a serious effect on a person's general health and social status. Too many people, of all races, genders and orientations, mistakenly believe that HIV/AIDS is "no big deal." You have to make sure that your lover is made aware of this by showing him this and other posts on the subject, nagging him until it finally sinks in. Not only is he risking his own health, but yours as well.
You and your partner need to get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Again, being HIV positive, even having AIDS, is not the end of the world, as there are treatments that can help patients lead a more or less normal life [although it must be said that not everyone responds to treatment, which is another reason to swear off bare-backing]. But the fact that AIDS may be more treatable than it once was, does not mean that it's nothing to worry about. And other STDs are on the rise.
As for self-hatred, I've no doubt that some people who indulge in risky behavior have serious emotional issues, but in your lover's case it may simply be carefree, foolish recklessness on his part. If drugs or alcohol are influencing his behavior, then those issues must be addressed as well. [Don't get so drunk or fucked up that you can't wear a condom or remember to insist that your sex partner put one on.]
I'm in favor of open relationships. But for them to work, both partners have to be responsible. Which means safe sex at all times -- no exceptions!
Nag your lover about this until it sinks in.
Frankly, I can't understand his behavior either. [For the record, bare-backing is engaging in anal sex without using a condom.] I know some tops complain that they don't like to wear condoms, that it interferes with the sensations that they feel [although in that case I would recommend experimenting with different types of condoms, and there are plenty] but it shouldn't make that much difference to a bottom (and again bottoms can also experiment with different types of condoms). Let me make it clear that unprotected anal sex is the absolutely riskiest behavior for gay men. While it is much, much riskier for bottoms, there have been documented cases of tops getting HIV because they didn't use a condom as well.
As for your lover's behavior, there are several explanations [besides the fact that he's being very stupid]. If he's very young, he may feel he's invincible and that bad things only happen to other people -- even though, to everyone else, he is "other people." It's possible his "extra-marital" relationships occur when he's under the influence of something, and he's careless. People who are sexually active should carry condoms at all times and be prepared for every circumstance. If your sex partner says he doesn't have a condom, pull one out of your pocket -- pronto. If he doesn't want to use it, say good-night -- no matter how hot he is. Some sexual experiences just aren't worth the danger.
HIV may not be the death sentence that it once was, but people should by no means take it casually. AIDS is still a serious medical condition that can impact a person's entire life. Simply being HIV positive, while nothing to despair over necessarily, can have a serious effect on a person's general health and social status. Too many people, of all races, genders and orientations, mistakenly believe that HIV/AIDS is "no big deal." You have to make sure that your lover is made aware of this by showing him this and other posts on the subject, nagging him until it finally sinks in. Not only is he risking his own health, but yours as well.
You and your partner need to get tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases. Again, being HIV positive, even having AIDS, is not the end of the world, as there are treatments that can help patients lead a more or less normal life [although it must be said that not everyone responds to treatment, which is another reason to swear off bare-backing]. But the fact that AIDS may be more treatable than it once was, does not mean that it's nothing to worry about. And other STDs are on the rise.
As for self-hatred, I've no doubt that some people who indulge in risky behavior have serious emotional issues, but in your lover's case it may simply be carefree, foolish recklessness on his part. If drugs or alcohol are influencing his behavior, then those issues must be addressed as well. [Don't get so drunk or fucked up that you can't wear a condom or remember to insist that your sex partner put one on.]
I'm in favor of open relationships. But for them to work, both partners have to be responsible. Which means safe sex at all times -- no exceptions!
Nag your lover about this until it sinks in.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Tops or Bottoms?
What percentage of gay men are tops and what percentage are bottoms? Anon.
I have never, ahem, actually done a scientific survey on this subject, but I would say it's about evenly divided. Of course there are men who are versatile, both top and bottom, but judging from what I see on gay dating/sex/friendship sites, there don't seem to be as many of them.
I can tell you that in my experience you can't assume the butcher gay men are automatically tops and the "femmes" are bottoms, because sometimes the reverse is true. When two men get together, it's two men getting together -- neither one is the "lady." Men who are bottoms should never feel that they are somehow less male because of it. There are some men who think of themselves as being "straight" because they are always the top when they have sex with another guy -- they're fooling themselves.
And, as usual, I remind everyone to stick to safe sex. This is true even if you are a top. Although there have been fewer cases of HIV infection in men who are tops than bottoms, it does happen. When it comes to anal penetration, always wear a condom.
I have never, ahem, actually done a scientific survey on this subject, but I would say it's about evenly divided. Of course there are men who are versatile, both top and bottom, but judging from what I see on gay dating/sex/friendship sites, there don't seem to be as many of them.
I can tell you that in my experience you can't assume the butcher gay men are automatically tops and the "femmes" are bottoms, because sometimes the reverse is true. When two men get together, it's two men getting together -- neither one is the "lady." Men who are bottoms should never feel that they are somehow less male because of it. There are some men who think of themselves as being "straight" because they are always the top when they have sex with another guy -- they're fooling themselves.
And, as usual, I remind everyone to stick to safe sex. This is true even if you are a top. Although there have been fewer cases of HIV infection in men who are tops than bottoms, it does happen. When it comes to anal penetration, always wear a condom.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Water Sports/HIV update
A reader took me to task for saying that messing around with urine (water sports) can lead to HIV infection. I checked with the Gay Men's Health Crisis (GMHC) and here's what they had to say:
"Hi Bill,
Your anonymous reader was correct. Urine does not have enough sufficient quantities of HIV in it to pose a danger of HIV transmission. There are really only a few very select body fluids that actually transmit HIV from an infected person to another: Blood, semen (including pre-cum), vaginal fluids, and possibly rectal mucosa fluid (although this is still under research and has not been technically determined a fluid for HIV transmission but there has been enough research indicating high enough levels that the possibility for transmission exists). For more information concerning this issue, you may find these websites helpful:
Ø AIDS Info http://www.aidsinfo.nih.gov/.
Ø The Body http://www.thebody.com/.
Also, a helpful resource on the West Coast is Project Inform HIV/AIDS Treatment and information Hotline. They can be reached at 800-822-7422
(M-F 9:00am-5:00pm, Sat: 10:00am-4:00pm PST) or on the web at http://www.projinf.org/.
If you would like to talk about anything in this email or if you have any additional questions, please feel free to call us at GMHC Hotline. We can be reached toll free at 800-243-7692 Monday – Friday from 10am – 9pm and on Saturday 12pm – 3pm.
Sincerely,
The GHMC Hotline"
Thanks guys. Readers, if you have any questions or concerns, use the above numbers and links.
And my apologies for the misinformation.
"Hi Bill,
Your anonymous reader was correct. Urine does not have enough sufficient quantities of HIV in it to pose a danger of HIV transmission. There are really only a few very select body fluids that actually transmit HIV from an infected person to another: Blood, semen (including pre-cum), vaginal fluids, and possibly rectal mucosa fluid (although this is still under research and has not been technically determined a fluid for HIV transmission but there has been enough research indicating high enough levels that the possibility for transmission exists). For more information concerning this issue, you may find these websites helpful:
Ø AIDS Info http://www.aidsinfo.nih.gov/.
Ø The Body http://www.thebody.com/.
Also, a helpful resource on the West Coast is Project Inform HIV/AIDS Treatment and information Hotline. They can be reached at 800-822-7422
(M-F 9:00am-5:00pm, Sat: 10:00am-4:00pm PST) or on the web at http://www.projinf.org/.
If you would like to talk about anything in this email or if you have any additional questions, please feel free to call us at GMHC Hotline. We can be reached toll free at 800-243-7692 Monday – Friday from 10am – 9pm and on Saturday 12pm – 3pm.
Sincerely,
The GHMC Hotline"
Thanks guys. Readers, if you have any questions or concerns, use the above numbers and links.
And my apologies for the misinformation.
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