Who's "Macho" and Who Isn't

I know that some gay men are effeminate and others aren't. What is the difference? Are the gay men who sleep with women, who are bisexual, more masculine than men who just sleep with other men?

Well, I would have to say definitely not, and not just judging by the number of "big queens" I've met who have or have had girlfriends or insist they're bisexual.

Most gay men are not stereotypical, and their outward demeanor -- be it butch or femme -- generally provides no clue to what they do in bed or whom they prefer to sleep with. There are "queeny" guys who are Tops, and very masculine men who are Bottoms. Macho guys who only sleep with guys, and not-so-macho men who [want to] sleep with other men but have wives or girlfriends.

In other words, it's a highly individual matter. In general, men who identify as bisexual -- rightly or wrongly -- do not have a more masculine demeanor than guys who identify as gay. Some, unfortunately, think they are more masculine because of the out-dated, pre-Stonewall thinking that says a man isn't a man unless he has sex with women. I don't need to comment on how tiresome and self-defeating that attitude is, but it does account for the "bisexual" label more often than many would like to admit.

More Weighty Matters

I have really enjoyed your recent blogs on weight issues. [Thank you.] I am a bear chaser, or at least I used to be, now more of a pocket bear. Anyways some chasers do care about their partners health. When I met my boyfriend he was about 230 lbs. Which looks really good on his stocky "bull" build. However after a few years (February of 2012 will be our 10 year anniversary) he gained, going up to about 370 lbs at his biggest.

While I am not a fetish feeder, I am a good cook.  I feel partly responsible because I would bake him cakes, and other treats. It was my not my intention to make him obese, I just wanted to make him happy. Food made him happy. So whenever he was mad or mean or grumpy. I would bake a pie, and it would fix things. I realize that it was a huge mistake.

I never stopped being attracted to him. And sometimes I envy his large size due to the ability to intimidate people with his size.  I have been helping him to loose weight, and he as dropped 50 lbs. I would love for him to get down to 230 and be able to go off of insulin. But I can not force him to exercise. He has a much stronger will than me and he does not take orders from anyone. All I can really do is to try to be supportive. I do not buy a lot of junk food. And deserts are a rare treat now instead of a daily occurrence.  I hope that he does get healthier and starts to enjoy life more. But I can not force him to.  I guess my overly long point is some chasers do care about the health and well being of their bears. [Very glad to hear it! Bill]

Part 2: .My question

As from my first comment. I am in a nearly 10 year relationship. My boy friend is 16 years older than me. When we met I was 22 he was 38.  At that time I had near 0 chest hair, and just ok beard coverage. Now through aging and some minoxidil use, I have a pretty kick ass beard. And even some (though still wish I had more ) chest hair.

Our problem arises in that my boyfriend hates full beards, but I really want one. I have made the concession in the past to have a goatee in the summer(that he likes) and the beard in the winter. We are in Florida so really only 2 seasons.  However he is already starting to complain about the beard.
He thinks I should do what he finds attractive. And while I can see his point, I still have a desire to be fully furried. How much should I give in on this? I mean I like to make him happy but the beard gets me all kinds of positive reaction. Especially from straight men who find it impressive.

My bf is very hairy (Italian) but himself is more in to smooth guys. And never cared for the bear scene. we don't really go out anymore except to local straight bars and restaurants, because he thinks gay bars can cause relationship problems  he prefers strict monogamy). I admit that my smoothness was why I got to have him. I also always wish I were like him and had that beautiful bearness. 

I suppose I should at least give in for his birthday and shave. But the beard will definitely be back before Christmas. How should I deal with the nagging? How can I respect his feelings while still being who I want to be?

Thank you so much for your time, and your blogs. Just writing you makes me feel a lot better.

 Okay, I have to ask, what do you care what straight men think about your beard? Surely your partner of ten years' opinion matters more than some straight guy? I mean, what's up with that, LOL? Gay guys generally want to change their appearance to attract other gay guys!

I have a feeling you like the beard because it makes you feel/look butcher [or what some guys with an old-fashioned sensibility might say "straighter."]? There's nothing wrong with wanting to look more masculine -- and the whole bear/hairy guy thing has a lot of do with masculinity --  but a man can be smooth and clean-shaven and not-so-macho and still be attractive.

On the other hand, you have a right to feel good about yourself and look the way you want to. My advice is to tell your lover that you'll get rid of the beard -- or only wear it in winter -- when he gets down to a healthy recommended size! That may motivate 'im! Just as he wants you to look a certain way, you have the right to prefer him to look a certain way as well.

Your partner is 16 years older than you, getting older, and may be a little insecure, which may be why he's nervous about the bar scene, but if the two of you go to a bar together it shouldn't be a problem. He's undoubtedly afraid that at nearly twenty years his junior you have a wandering eye -- you didn't really have that much time to sow your wild oats, as they say, before getting into a long-time partnership. The answer is compromise. [I always been in favor of modified open relationships -- I frankly think relationships last longer that way -- but a great many gay men disagree with me on this. Different strokes ...]

If the two of you love each other and enjoy each other's company and are there for each other during the rough patches of life, then everything else will work itself out. Good luck!