Who's "Macho" and Who Isn't

I know that some gay men are effeminate and others aren't. What is the difference? Are the gay men who sleep with women, who are bisexual, more masculine than men who just sleep with other men?

Well, I would have to say definitely not, and not just judging by the number of "big queens" I've met who have or have had girlfriends or insist they're bisexual.

Most gay men are not stereotypical, and their outward demeanor -- be it butch or femme -- generally provides no clue to what they do in bed or whom they prefer to sleep with. There are "queeny" guys who are Tops, and very masculine men who are Bottoms. Macho guys who only sleep with guys, and not-so-macho men who [want to] sleep with other men but have wives or girlfriends.

In other words, it's a highly individual matter. In general, men who identify as bisexual -- rightly or wrongly -- do not have a more masculine demeanor than guys who identify as gay. Some, unfortunately, think they are more masculine because of the out-dated, pre-Stonewall thinking that says a man isn't a man unless he has sex with women. I don't need to comment on how tiresome and self-defeating that attitude is, but it does account for the "bisexual" label more often than many would like to admit.

Worse than a Homophobe?

I received this comment for my post Why Gay Men Marry Women. Since it's quite long and raises some interesting questions, I decided I would answer it on a new post. The comments are in italics, my interjections are in bold, and I"ll wrap things up at the end.

From "rick lee y:"

It's no secret that these kinds of marriages have been around forever. It's silly to assume that just because someone comes out the guilt, shame and all negative thoughts, feelings and actions associated with gay life end there. You're absolutely right about that, which I believe I said right in the post you're responding to, as well as elsewhere. To a small minority within the minority it might be impossible for them to empathize with those who don't flip the denial switch automatically whenever you do something profound in life. The cost never talked about for such an act like outing yourself is that family and friends often times need time to deal with it as well. I think this is actually talked about a lot. Forcing the issue without regard for anyone's feelings or points of view on the subject that isn't the expected "I'm happy for you" is pretty much guaranteed to permanently damage or kill long standing personal relationships. So what's the alternative? Staying in the closet and being miserable? Sure everyone wants the big happy rainbow filled coming out of 110% acceptance but many people often deal with terrible unforeseen consequences to their personal relationships they once thought were solid and reliable. It has damaged or destroyed that connection leaving them feeling much worse about themselves. But the other side of the coin is that once they are out of the closet, these people who are left with shattered old relationships can build new relationships within the community. Plus not everyone who comes out goes through the situation you're describing, especially nowadays. You can blame "homophobic society" and the everything else in the world. That instant instability in one's personal and family life can lead to profound and severe depression often leading to other destructive behaviors as a coping mechanism. But you're ignoring the fact that most people come out to family and friends after they've come to terms with their sexuality, therefore there is no "instant instability." But because it has to do with being gay and coming out all those issues are ignored and replaced with campy, topical and cliched anecdotes that are a product of gay pop culture and nothing more. No, these "anecdotes" are not a "product" of gay pop culture but the result of more and more gay people accepting that it's okay to be gay, and that there is nothing wrong, immoral, or abnormal about homosexuality. You are terribly uninformed. Gays will have to accept that at times they will be unaccepted. Actually, I think most of us are aware of that, but what's wrong with trying to change things? Thanks to political correctness this issue has moved away from those it directly affects and has been handed over to politicians to legislate our lifestyle into acceptance. You just don't have the facts. Today's gay activists work with politicians to change not only legislature but attitudes; nobody has just "handed" things over to politicos. So, Dr. Bill, it would be nice to see you accept those gays in kindness who aren't just like you instead of this harsh and catty [stereotype alert!] judgment because not 100% of those who come out feel good about doing so. You seem unaware that the very idea of Coming Out -- becoming an Out and Proud Gay Individual -- is to acknowledge and celebrate one's sexuality and acceptance of same. Yet I will grant you that there are those who come out before they are ready, or still harbor [sometimes unacknowledged] negative feelings. Gays like you are actually worse than homophobic people oh come on now! since you cast away those whom you say you identify with based on some topical and unimportant assessment you probably got wrong to begin with. I'm sure you think you're making sense here but you're not. I know truth and the gay life are never supposed to mix what on earth are you talking about? but you have to put up with gays like me who keep self-inflated moral judges [judgments] in check. Oh really? Your personal life is littered with hookups and missed opportunities and regrets is this me you're talking about or yourself? Even if you've met me believe me you obviously don't know me which you make up for by having an over active activism hobby [gay activism is no "hobby"]that is clearly steeped in denial as you will support the gay agenda [?] no matter how illogical or unfair the fight becomes. It's not fun feeling judged is it? As an openly gay man no doubt I'm judged every day, whereas closet cases generally avoid this. So in conclusion I do see why you would write the point of view you did, you are a gay agenda sympathizer At least you're not calling me a "commie sympathizer" -- or is that next? who has no empathy for others who struggle with the pain and fallout of a coming out that doesn't go like it does on Logo. Just don't be so out of touch with the reality of what gays are actually doing and feeling by getting overly busied with this militant gay agenda that has lost touch with the average gay guy or girl it says it supports. According to who? Thanks.


You're welcome. First I think you should take a look at my piece on self-hating homos on my brother blog jatgab, if you haven't already. I have a feeling you'll be able to identify with the portrait I paint of people like you or the people you profess to know so much about.


Look, I'm sorry you -- or your friends or patients, or what-have-you -- have issues with your sexuality, are uncomfortable being gay and so on. A post on this blog went into why some gay people feel this way, and you might find it helpful.


But I'm not going to apologize for not feeling the way you or your friends do. I am not going to apologize for having been a gay activist and for trying to a.) help people feel better about themselves, getting past society's uninformed and wrong-headed prejudice and b.) trying to make things better in general for all gay people. Frankly, I think all gay activists should be thanked for it, but I suppose that's too much to expect.


As for people like you -- well, I have tried to be compassionate and understanding and I do accept the fact that not everyone is as strong as those of us who are Out and Proud, and some people just don't have the courage to be just a little bit unconventional. But, my friend, it is not 1950 anymore. It is not even 1970 or 1980. Attitudes have changed. And while there is still a great deal of misunderstanding and prejudice -- and obviously a lot of self-hatred -- it is also time to acknowledge that the dinosaurs no longer walk the earth and Gay Pride has been around for decades. What with gay marriage on the horizon, gays adopting kids, and so on, it won't be long before even conventional people will feel comfortable being gay.


I have met a number of people like you and have, in my way, tried to talk with and help them, but invariably I am met with hostility [You even go so far as to say I am worse than a homophobe!]. Self-hating gays almost always hate the Out and Proud, and I don't think I need to go into the obvious reasons why. We're happy, you're not -- and that's a shame, but aside from telling you it's okay to be gay, what more would you have me do when confronted with the usual steel wall of [self-] contempt? I can't force you to feel better about yourself, but perhaps a counselor or therapist might do you some good?


[Or jeez, perhaps you are a therapist who thinks he's sticking up for the self-hating gay person or the supposedly "straight" guy who continuously pursues men for sex -- if so, it's definitely a case of the blind leading the blind! If "pursuing the gay agenda" means that I want all homosexuals to stop denying their nature, both literally and figuratively, and be happy and fulfilled, then I am definitely pursuing a gay agenda and I'm damn proud of it. We should not encourage people to stay in the closet and continue to feel ashamed because they might lose current support networks -- we should encourage them to feel good about themselves so they can build new support networks.]


I don't think you know what gay activists are about, nor do you know what's on the mind of the "average" gay man or woman [if there is such a thing, as we're a pretty diverse bunch]. I think you feel you are so disconnected from and/or above "gay culture" -- for which you feel contempt -- that your knowledge of and opinions about same are simply uneducated at best or downright homophobic at worst. You undoubtedly have few gay friends; maybe not many friends at all.


I don't know the exact reasons for your bitterness, but I can't imagine that it's easy to live with. You're gay, you can't change it, and there's nothing wrong with it.

Once you accept that, life will be much easier for you, and you'll stop thinking of me -- and gay activists in general, who are only trying to help -- as the enemy.

Bisexual or Lesbian?

I'm a lesbian in her mid-thirties. I have a platonic friend -- a woman -- who says she is bisexual. If that were really the case, it would be one thing. But she keeps saying things that make me wonder if she just hates the whole notion of being gay and needs to appear straight to the world. She says her preference is definitely other women, but that she's afraid to have a gay relationship, yet at the same time she says she envies the relationship I have with my lover. I have no problem with her being bisexual, but I'm afraid that her relationships with men -- she says she's never had a satisfying one -- will always disappoint her. When I try -- tactfully -- to talk to her about this she just gets angry and accuses me of being biphobic. What can I do? HJ

I'm tempted to say you can leave me out of it -- my God I know how touchy some bisexuals or at least wannabee bisexuals can be -- but since you've asked I do have some advice.

Bisexuality -- or what passes for same [more on this on another post] -- seems to be far more commonplace among women than men. Let's say for argument's sake that many of these women are truly, genuinely bisexual [especially those who are equally attracted to both sexes]. However, it stands to reason that a certain percentage, however large, are not bisexual but gay.

For instance. A bi-identified woman once said that she didn't like the term bisexual, but couldn't call herself a lesbian because [italics mine] once in a blue moon she was attracted to a man.

Of course "once in a blue moon" means "hardly ever," and if a woman is "hardly ever" attracted to a man, she's not bisexual, she's gay.

I know there are bisexual advocates who will howl to the moon over this. They think anyone who for any reason or on any occasion ever slept with both sexes is automatically bisexual. Therefore, my school boy/college day fumblings with the opposite sex make me bisexual. I don't think so.

Some of this is simply internalized homophobia [which some people try to deflect by claiming anyone who disagrees with them is "biphobic" -- throwing it all back onto the big, bad gay person, you see]. Some people -- like your girlfriend -- just don't want to be gay. The problem is they're attracted to their own sex and they just can't deal with it. Whatever small attraction they have to the opposite sex is blown entirely out of proportion and turned into genuine bisexuality, which it isn't. [Again, this is not to say there aren't genuine bisexuals.]

I believe there are many, many women who are in this self-hating category. [And don't get me started on the men!] Here's just a quick sample of genuine comments I came across on the Internet from some bi-identified women .

"I am more attracted to women than I am to men ... one woman I was with was the best sex ever..... but I am married to a man and very happy... but if I ever divorce I will never have another man I will go full lesbian..... women are the best!!"

Okay. I don't think I really need to comment on that, anyone over eight can read between the lines.

"I'm with a man now. I'm afraid of getting too emotionally close to women friends in case I fall in love with them."

This is another one that needs no comment.

The women who made these comments are not true bisexuals, they're very confused and conflicted lesbians, which is probably true of your friend. They don't even realize how their own words give them away. I've no doubt it's along the same lines with your friend.

The trouble is that some irresponsible bisexual advocates have made it impossible for these women to accept the truth about themselves, because -- as you discovered -- if you try to tell them they're not bisexual they'll tell you you're being "biphobic" -- and immediately end all discussion. [Frankly, I think in some ways it's a shame that some bisexuals think of themselves as a totally separate sexual minority. Gay people are not to blame for that.]

All you can do is keep trying in your own tactful way to get through to her. Don't insist that you're right, simply tell her what's on your mind, suggesting that she just possibly, conceivably, might be, could be a lesbian, and what the hell would be wrong with that? Point out to her that you're a good person, that you're happy being gay, that she's even said she envies the relationship you have with your lover. Suggest she get counseling.

If will be like walking on egg shell, but give it a try. If she becomes too implacable or nasty or just closes her ears to you with finality, if she becomes downright homophobic with you [not without precedent] well, then, give it up. You can help some people, but others just don't want to listen. You'll just have to hope that she'll be able to get past all the bisexual identity politics and internalized homophobia and work it out on her own.

Good luck!

Self-Hating Homos

With all the changes in attitude and tolerance over the past few decades, I wonder why there are still so many self-hating homos out there -- you've mentioned them in several of your posts both here and over at JATGAB. Why does this self-hated persist? Is there something in the psyche of the American male? Does it relate to the persistence of macho images and their approval in our culture? JD.

Gay men still have an incredibly negative image in our society -- world-wide, I might add -- which is still awash in machismo of the worst kind. But gay self-hatred has many causes. Religious attitudes and upbringing can certainly do a number on gay people. Children raised in homophobic households can grow up with little sense of self-worth. There are kids living in our streets right now who got thrown out of their homes when they came out of the closet. [Luckily some of these kids already formed a gay identity, and may not grow up with the self-hatred that afflicts others.]

Then we have people who simply feel inferior for one reason or another, and it may not have anything to do with their sexual orientation. But if they have trouble dealing with their other insecurities, being gay may be seen by them as another thing to worry and be insecure about -- they hate that they're gay and they turn the hatred inwards.

Then we have the disaffected. Every society and every group has people who simply never develop real social skills or graces, the "geeks" or "nerds" or "weirdos." Often these people learn to channel their non-conformity in healthy and exciting directions, but as for the others ... ?These people feel rejected by their peers, by they classmates, co-workers, or in the case of gay people, other gays. So they begin to despise the gay community -- and themselves.

Then we have people whose lives haven't worked out the way they wanted for one reason or another. It may be due to their own actions (or lack of same) bad luck or timing, or a combination thereof. Whatever the case, they tell themselves that they wouldn't be unhappy, that life would have worked out, if they were only straight. They're kidding themselves, of course. It's not that our sexual orientation and our attitudes toward same can't influence some of our decisions, but it's as ridiculous to blame our sexuality for problems all humans face as it would be to blame race, sex, or anything else.

And as absurd as this sounds, some gay people develop homophobic attitudes [and if you're gay that certainly falls under the category of self-hatred] because they've been dumped by someone they're obsessed with. They hate that person, they hate gay people in general, they hate themselves. This is similar to the way some straight men hate all "bitches" after they've been dumped by their girlfriend, or some straight women go off on men when they develop boyfriend or husband problems.

Both gay men and lesbians can suffer from self-hatred. As for gay men, I've no doubt that what you refer to as the persistence of [and preference toward] macho images in our culture have led many gay men (and certainly straight men) to hate being perceived as gay, and in some cases, to hate being gay. The irony, of course, is that most gay men don't conform to stereotypes and many are indeed "macho" in demeanor. But the "limp-wristed hairdresser" stereotype still persists, and some guys -- rather than fighting it -- would rather just hate and deny.

I'll have more on the whole machismo thing in another post, but for now I'll say that it's also true that there are more Out and Proud gay people today than ever before, and that hopefully many of our Self-Hating Homos will seek counseling and emerge all the happier and healthier for it.

Whites On the Downlow

Over the weekend I watched an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. Although the plot went in another direction, the first victim and another guy were married men with children who had sex with guys on the side; I guess they were sort of on what we call the "downlow." I always thought the downlow was an African-American phenomenon but the two guys on the program were both Caucasian. Did Law and Order take some dramatic license here or what? Anon.

Although "being on the downlow" is a term that has been used within the African-American community to describe men who lead straight lives but who have sex with men on a regular basis, this type of behavior is certainly not limited to the African-American community. Neither is it a recent phenomenon. There are, sadly, even in this day and age, gay/bi men of all ethnicities and backgrounds who are ashamed of their homosexual feelings and want to come off as straight to their families and the world at large while indulging their sexual appetites with the men they truly desire. Their internalized homophobia prevents them from exploring or giving in to any romantic feelings they may have for other men. They occasionally go to gay bars, but more often they haunt online gay dating sites, occasionally calling themselves "married bi's" because it sounds better than "self-hating closet case."

One of the characters on the episode you mentioned told the cops that he "loved his wife and children." This is often a true statement with men like that, but they generally don't have strong romantic or sexual passion for their wives. Their wives may be their pals or best friends (as well as the mothers of their children), but the main reason they love them is because these women are the bedrock of the closet that their husbands hide in; they (supposedly) prevent the world at large from identifying these self-hating homos as "fags." And, boy, are these guys grateful!

In any case, being on the downlow is not a healthy situation in any sense of the word.

Straight Men Don't Do Gay Porn

Why do straight men do gay porn? Anon.

They don't.

Men who have sex with other men with the cameras rolling and even with a paycheck waiting are no more "straight" than I am. Those who have wives and girlfriends may be technically bisexual. But straight? Some people say there's more money to be made in gay porn and that's why they do it, but how can that be when it stands to reason that straight porn sells a lot better, there presumably being many more straight men (and straight porn fans) than gay.

Porn star Michael Lucas was once asked if certain performers in his gay porn films were really straight, and he gave a good answer, something along the lines of how they lead "straight lifestyles" but were "very enthusiastic" whether they were doing gay or straight porn. Let's say he was tactful and leave it at that.

Straight?

I don't think so.

Many so-called "gay for pay" people are, sadly, ashamed of their lusts for men but indulge in those lusts because -- let's face it -- sex is a powerful force. If they're porn stars or prostitutes they can say to themselves and everyone else: "See I'm not gay. I'm just doing it for the money."

Matt Sanchez is a particularly pernicious example of this.

To say it's "pre-Stonewall" is an understatement.

Gay Pride should have wiped away these negative feelings, but for some people it's darkest before the dawn.

Watch Out for That Man With a Wife

What percentage of men on gay dating sites would you say have wives and children? Z.

I wouldn't doubt that it's at least 10% and possibly as high on some sites as 25% or more. Even with all the recent scandals a la Larry Craig and Jim McGreevey, people still don't realize how many so-called "family" men are privately homosexual and still deep in the closet even in this day and age. And they're not all Republicans. Some of these men are at least "out" to some gay friends or at least their tricks (sex partners). There is probably a higher percentage on line than in bars because some of these guys won't go into a gay bar, afraid they might run into someone who will recognize them and gossip. Especially if they live in a smaller city.

Some of these guys are honest about their marital status and refer to themselves as "married bi's," preferring to have people think they're simply "hip" swingin' bisexuals than the pathetic out-of-date closet cases most of them really are. If a gay guy -- (I use the word "gay" to denote Out and Proud or at least a self-accepting gay person as opposed to a self-hating homo) wants to have a quickie with one of these guys, that's his business, but he should never expect anything more from him than a quick lay. As the cliche goes: they never leave their beards, I mean, wives.

There are occasional exceptions. Some of these men are finally coming to accept themselves as homosexuals and getting tired of leading double lives. They're not quite ready to come out of the closet yet and live an open gay life, but they do want to meet people. Hopefully some of the men they meet on these sites will convince them that it's okay to be gay.

Some gay men, myself included, have felt it necessary on some sites to add a note to our profiles saying, in effect, that we're not interested in dating guys with wives. One man explained on his profile that these married guys often suffered from guilt feelings and who needs the hassle? You want to meet a nice guy to either date, screw, or maybe even have a relationship with, not these f--kers who -- when it comes to Gay Pride -- are still roaming with the dinosaurs.

Not all men on these sites are honest (big news, right?). But in general you can have a good idea of whether someone is married and/or deeply in the closet by whether or not they post a photograph of their face. (Okay, some guys feel their face is not their best feature, or are a bit shy about the Internet etc., but they should at least offer to send a facial shot once you've both sent a few private messages back and forth.) Who can tell if you're going to find a guy attractive if all you can see is a picture of their penis? We're not all "size kings."

However, some of these guys post their pictures anyway. As I've said in other posts, a sixth sense can help in telling you if the guy is being upfront about his situation or not. Is he forthcoming, is he free with his name and email, what he does and so on, or is he sly and secretive? Is his profile practically blank -- nothing about his life, his work, his interests? Either he's incredibly uninteresting or he's hiding something.

One big indicator. If he says "I'm not into a gay scene" he probably isn't. Oh, he's homosexual, all right, he's just not "gay."

Listen, I don't want to discourage anyone from using Internet dating sites because they're afraid every guy they meet will turn out to be married.

The vast majority of men on these sites are gay, baby, gay!

Homosexual But Not Gay?

Why do so many people who are homosexual not want to identify or be identified as gay? Murray.

Historically there have always been people who were open about their homosexuality, even in the days before the modern-day Gay Rights movement, and I think that today a much higher percentage of gay people than ever before are out of the closet and proudly identify themselves as gay. But you're right that there are still a lot of people who don't, and there are various reasons. The biggest reason is internalized homophobia, a basic shame in being homosexual that can be deeply ingrained in a person's psyche (sadly, even some out-of-the-closet gays can be victimized by self-hatred). These people may be essentially homosexual but they more or less live "straight" lives, getting married and having kids, anything to keep the world at large from knowing the truth about their sexuality. This is certainly true of the many men of all ethnic backgrounds who are on the "down low." They desire men sexually but simply aren't secure and confident enough to think of themselves as gay. One study suggested that married homosexuals have a lack of self-esteem that prevents them from coming out and challenging society's mores.

Then we have people who are bisexually active (sleeping or somehow involved with both sexes) or who at least think of themselves -- rightly or wrongly -- as being bisexual. Despite their same-sex attraction, they don't think of themselves as gay because they are also attracted to -- or are at least sexually, or in some other way, involved -- with the opposite gender. Some of these people are very pro-gay, however, feeling a unity with gays, while others (hypocritically) think of gay men as "fags."

Then we have homosexual men who don't identify as "gay" because they feel they don't conform to the public perception -- or stereotype -- of homosexual men. They are masculine and have no interest in the kinds of things that are supposed to fascinate gay men. They don't relate to "Madonna-loving queens" or have an interest in fashion. Many feel as I do that these men -- rather than saying they don't consider themselves "gay" (although they don't necessarily deny their homosexuality) -- would be better off being "gay" and challenging the stereotypes, helping to make clear that there is a great deal of diversity in the gay community.

Then we have homosexuals who simply prefer other labels because they somehow see themselves as being different from gays who have come before. "Post-gays," or what-not. Some are dealing with gender-identification issues that aren't easily summed up under the word "gay."

And some people just don't like the word "gay" and the frivolousness it implies. But the word, as a code for homosexual, has been around even longer than most people think and seems to be here to stay.

Intolerance

Why are gay people so intolerant of other minorities, such as transsexuals, and people who have their own gender-identities or no identities at all, or people who do not identify as human? Anon.

Huh? If a person doesn't identify as human, wouldn't you say they have a problem? If a friend of mine said he thought he was a ferret (and that's not a classification of gay bear) I think I would suggest he get professional counseling, wouldn't you? More on that below.

First of all, I don't think most gay people are intolerant of transsexuals. Yes, I've met a few gays who might have racist or anti-Semitic -- and transphobic -- feelings, people who would probably be homophobic if they weren't themselves gay (or who have issues with self-hatred) but most gays are very sympathetic to the transgendered. The "T" in GLBT stands for Transgendered, after all, and many gay people have worked with transsexuals to help them attain their rights and gain respect. They have always been included in the gay movement. Most gay groups insisted that they would not back the ENDA anti-discrimination bill unless it included transsexuals. This sparked a big debate in the gay community. But just because some gays felt that a bill covering transsexual rights should be separate and come later -- after the gay anti-discrimination bill passed -- didn't necessarily make them transphobic.

You're simply wrong that gays are intolerant of transsexuals. This doesn't mean gays identity with transsexuals to any great extent, as there is a big difference between being gay (attracted to your own sex) and being transsexual (feeling you are one sex mistakenly born into the body of the opposite sex). While some transsexuals are gay, many others are actually heterosexual, and some of them don't necessarily relate -- or even have tolerance for -- homosexuals. However, I believe most gays and transsexuals recognize that they are both viewed as "queers" by the intolerant, and may feel a certain kinship on that level, if nothing else. The gay experience is very different from the transgender experience, although they can be related in certain cases. In truth, the transsexual experience can be so foreign to gays and straights alike, that it's unfair to expect gay people to automatically understand it simply because they, too, are a minority.

Because we are discriminated against, many gay people bend over backwards to be progressive and tolerant toward everyone else -- but there's no unwritten rule that says we have to be, or that we have to accept every movement or fashionable notion, or think of every group as a misunderstood minority. Or that we don't have the right to cry foul if we spot homophobic attitudes among other minorities, including other sexual minorities.

As for gender-identification, I have mixed emotions about that. People have the right to present themselves or think of themselves as any gender they wish, or to be androgynous and gender-free if they choose. But sometimes the complete rejection of a gender role indicates that an individual may be deeply confused, unhappy with themselves, and full of self-loathing. In those cases, people should be encouraged to seek therapy from a therapist who has a positive attitude toward and knowledge of gay/transgender issues.

Lastly, if a person does not think of him or herself as even being human, that indicates a basic self-loathing that should definitely be addressed by a professional therapist.

Looks Discrimination

Although I am young, 24, I do not have the requisite 'hot body' or 'handsome face' that seems obligatory if you are to get a lover in the gay world. Hot guys turn up their noses at me, and I am forced to have sex with trolls. So what advice, Dr. Bill, would you have for those of us who do not fit into the required hot looks category? Anon.

"Forced to have sex with trolls," huh? Do you see how hypocritical you're being? You complain about not being good-looking enough to attract hot guys, then you turn around and put down the men who are attracted to you because they're not hot enough.

In other words you're exhibiting the same superficial mentality of the men that you say "turn up their noses" at you.

Gay or straight, it's easy to get bitter if you're not conventionally attractive in this world. But there's so much more to landing a man than good looks. I know guys who have such a dynamic personality, warmth and humor that they can practically talk their way into anybody's bed. (I am by no means conventionally handsome -- nor young by today's standards --but I'm often surprised how young and attractive many of my partners are.) A lot has to do with self-confidence and your own attitude toward yourself and others. If you walk into a bar with an "attitude," glaring at all those around you who dare not to be attracted to you, you
will probably turn off anyone who does find you attractive.

Let's get past this hokey, old-fashioned notion that all gay men -- or even most -- are superficially obsessed with youth and looks. Sure, everybody likes a good-looking guy, but you have to expand upon what "good-looking" is. In the gay bear community, for instance, paunches, bald heads, and hairy bodies -- turn-offs to many gay men -- are assets. There are other attributes, such as masculinity, a sense of humor, a sheer vibrant sensuality, that can make up for a lack of traditional good looks.

You can't blame "hot" guys for going after other hot guys when you yourself are doing the same thing.

The truth is most men -- gay or straight -- do not conform to the buff body, chiseled features stereotype of the professional male model or porn star (not all of whom are universally lusted after in any case. I frequently see models and porn stars that I am not in the least attracted to, and vice versa, I'm sure). But most men still get laid and find love, right? Stop being trapped by your own narrow vision of what's attractive.

With a new attitude, less hatred for yourself and contempt for others who don't fit neatly into the "hot" category, you may find not only hot safe sex but love.

Remember that some of those "trolls" are in their own way attractive men who are looking for love just as you are.

Gay or Bi?

I am more attracted to men than to women, but I can't see myself living with a man for a lifetime. I don't relate to gay men because I am not effeminate and have no interest in the typical things gay men seem obsessed with, like fashion. Therefore I feel that I must be bisexual instead of gay. Is this correct? What do you think? J in Dallas.

I think you have to realize that the gay community is very diverse and there are many, many gay men who are not effeminate, couldn't care less about fashion, and aren't in the least stereotypical (NOT that there is anything wrong with such men). The vast majority of gay people aren't stereotypical, in fact.

I suppose you could be bi, but it sounds to me as if you're more likely gay and in denial because of your stereotypical notions of gay men. This is fairly common in this age: "I can't be gay because I fill in the blank or because I don't fill in the blank. When you realize that there are many, many gay men like yourself you will hopefully get over this notion that you couldn't possibly have another man as a lifetime partner. [Also remember that bisexuality is generally defined as the ability to fall in love with a member of either sex.] You need to get over your fear of being, or being perceived as, gay. This is what we call internalized homophobia, a self-doubt or self-hated that prevents one from coming fully out of the closet.

Don't worry. Get past stereotypes. You can be very happy as a gay man even if you're not into "fashion." Check out the Bear community, a huge sub-sect of the gay male community full of guys who are generally into stuff that gay men aren't supposed to be into!