Why Gay Men Marry Women

I recently read that Dwight Eubanks, some sort of reality TV show star and an openly gay (not bisexual) man, is getting married to a woman. I know that self-hating closet cases often get married, but why would an openly gay man do the same thing? Curious Gay Guy.

"Marriages" like this are not real marriages -- they're two immature people playing house. In other words what we've got here is another case of: "Dizzy Queen Marries Woman For A Hoot." [For more information google "Liza Minelli."]

I have often commented on why "mixed marriages" don't work in any realistic fashion. While I can be sympathetic for women who unknowingly marry a homosexual man, I think a woman who undergoes a marriage with an openly gay guy is just asking for trouble. She's on the same level, as far as I'm concerned, as a woman who wants a romantic relationship with a guy serving a life sentence in prison. It has everything to do with desperation and nothing to do with reality of any kind.

I don't know Eubanks, but there are some things we have to remember. We tend to think that internalized homophobia only affects closeted gay men, but I have met many men who are basically out of the closet -- even out publicly -- and who are still dealing with issues of shame and guilt. Then we also have to remember that, sadly, many members of minorities blame their unhappiness not on the vicissitudes of fate or their own personality flaws, but on their being black or gay or what-have-you.

Here we have a gay man who has reached a certain age (in this case, 50) without a partner, and will probably say that he just wants companionship. So he's marrying a woman he feels a certain rapport with. There may be other factors. She may be after the indirect celebrity that comes from associating/marrying someone who is "famous" (admittedly only to those who bother to watch reality shows). There can also be financial motivations in mixed marriages. And loneliness can literally create strange bedfellows (although I seriously doubt if these two will have any kind of riveting sex life or any sex life at all -- with each other). Women who marry gay men are often dealing (or not dealing) with their own sexual identity issues, and there'almost always a conscious or sub-concious element of homophobia as well.

I have met a few openly gay (but rarely Out and Proud) men who marry woman late in life. One fellow told me it was about companionship, but he was also in the media, and I truly believe he was hoping he could fool the powers-that-be into thinking he was straight and taking him more seriously. I also believe there was a financial motive (and in this case the woman probably did not know he was gay, even though everyone else on the planet did. Or she was so desperate for a companion she didn't care.) The marriage, which lasted about two years, didn't have the desired effect, and the guy not only didn't go further in his career but got fired after many years of employment.

Eubanks has complained that he meets too many guys on the downlow and is sick of it. He blithely ignores the fact that there are a great many Out and Proud African-Americans.

It can be tough for anyone -- gay or straight -- to find "the one." But the search is made that much harder by those gay men who aren't fully accepting of themselves [regardless of how "out" they may be] or think of themselves as being unhappy being gay when their unhappiness is actually based on other factors-- it is easier to say your problem is being gay when the problem may actually be you and your character flaws. Often men like Eubanks drive potential mates away because their internalized homophobia prevents them from fully committing to a relationship with another male.

The truth is that a well-adjusted. proud gay man may have many loving friendships with women, but he'll have no desire to entire into a sham marriage with one of them. And a woman with healthy self-esteem and no hidden issues will allow a gay man to be gay and pursue a relationship with a man who can be totally "into" her.

A bigger truth is that if Dwight Eubanks ever does meet the man of his dreams -- and that man feels the same way about Eubanks -- the "wife" will be out of the picture before you can say Tom Robinson.