Can you explain to me something about the "downlow" or "lowdown" or whatever it's called. Something to do with closeted men who are gay or bisexual. Is this just in the black community? I'm a straight woman but I'm curious about this phenomenon. Anon.
The downlow is an expression first used in and about the African-American community -- popularized by a major article in the Sunday New York Times Magazine some years ago -- but it's a situation that occurs within all ethnic backgrounds. Someone on the downlow is a person who is publicly straight but privately homosexual or bisexual, engaging in homosexual acts and occasionally relationships on the sly. Generally we're talking about men married to women who regularly engage in sex with other men. Despite this -- and because of the straight lifestyles they lead, not to mention the guilt and shame they feel -- most of these men think of themselves as being straight. They are not -- they are just in denial, suffering from internalized homophobia. Closet cases, in other words.
There is no reason to believe that this situation occurs more among black men than white, Asian, Latino etc. It also has to be said that in the African-American community there are many Out and Proud Gay Males. It is frequently said that this kind of situation develops more in male communities where machismo is king, but men of all ethnic backgrounds can fall prey to old-fashioned macho attitudes and the insecurities they engender. Some men on the downlow identify as bisexual, but think other men are just for sex and women are for relationships; in truth, their shame over their homosexuality would in all likelihood prevent them from developing a committed relationship with another male, or from recognizing in many cases that they are essentially homosexual.
Gay Liberation -- 99% of which is in the head -- is the antidote to the downlow.
Showing posts with label denial. Show all posts
Showing posts with label denial. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Why Gay Men Marry Women
I recently read that Dwight Eubanks, some sort of reality TV show star and an openly gay (not bisexual) man, is getting married to a woman. I know that self-hating closet cases often get married, but why would an openly gay man do the same thing? Curious Gay Guy.
"Marriages" like this are not real marriages -- they're two immature people playing house. In other words what we've got here is another case of: "Dizzy Queen Marries Woman For A Hoot." [For more information google "Liza Minelli."]
I have often commented on why "mixed marriages" don't work in any realistic fashion. While I can be sympathetic for women who unknowingly marry a homosexual man, I think a woman who undergoes a marriage with an openly gay guy is just asking for trouble. She's on the same level, as far as I'm concerned, as a woman who wants a romantic relationship with a guy serving a life sentence in prison. It has everything to do with desperation and nothing to do with reality of any kind.
I don't know Eubanks, but there are some things we have to remember. We tend to think that internalized homophobia only affects closeted gay men, but I have met many men who are basically out of the closet -- even out publicly -- and who are still dealing with issues of shame and guilt. Then we also have to remember that, sadly, many members of minorities blame their unhappiness not on the vicissitudes of fate or their own personality flaws, but on their being black or gay or what-have-you.
Here we have a gay man who has reached a certain age (in this case, 50) without a partner, and will probably say that he just wants companionship. So he's marrying a woman he feels a certain rapport with. There may be other factors. She may be after the indirect celebrity that comes from associating/marrying someone who is "famous" (admittedly only to those who bother to watch reality shows). There can also be financial motivations in mixed marriages. And loneliness can literally create strange bedfellows (although I seriously doubt if these two will have any kind of riveting sex life or any sex life at all -- with each other). Women who marry gay men are often dealing (or not dealing) with their own sexual identity issues, and there's almost always a conscious or sub-concious element of homophobia as well.
I have met a few openly gay (but rarely Out and Proud) men who marry woman late in life. One fellow told me it was about companionship, but he was also in the media, and I truly believe he was hoping he could fool the powers-that-be into thinking he was straight and taking him more seriously. I also believe there was a financial motive (and in this case the woman probably did not know he was gay, even though everyone else on the planet did. Or she was so desperate for a companion she didn't care.) The marriage, which lasted about two years, didn't have the desired effect, and the guy not only didn't go further in his career but got fired after many years of employment.
Eubanks has complained that he meets too many guys on the downlow and is sick of it. He blithely ignores the fact that there are a great many Out and Proud African-Americans.
It can be tough for anyone -- gay or straight -- to find "the one." But the search is made that much harder by those gay men who aren't fully accepting of themselves [regardless of how "out" they may be] or think of themselves as being unhappy being gay when their unhappiness is actually based on other factors-- it is easier to say your problem is being gay when the problem may actually be you and your character flaws. Often men like Eubanks drive potential mates away because their internalized homophobia prevents them from fully committing to a relationship with another male.
The truth is that a well-adjusted. proud gay man may have many loving friendships with women, but he'll have no desire to entire into a sham marriage with one of them. And a woman with healthy self-esteem and no hidden issues will allow a gay man to be gay and pursue a relationship with a man who can be totally "into" her.
A bigger truth is that if Dwight Eubanks ever does meet the man of his dreams -- and that man feels the same way about Eubanks -- the "wife" will be out of the picture before you can say Tom Robinson.
"Marriages" like this are not real marriages -- they're two immature people playing house. In other words what we've got here is another case of: "Dizzy Queen Marries Woman For A Hoot." [For more information google "Liza Minelli."]
I have often commented on why "mixed marriages" don't work in any realistic fashion. While I can be sympathetic for women who unknowingly marry a homosexual man, I think a woman who undergoes a marriage with an openly gay guy is just asking for trouble. She's on the same level, as far as I'm concerned, as a woman who wants a romantic relationship with a guy serving a life sentence in prison. It has everything to do with desperation and nothing to do with reality of any kind.
I don't know Eubanks, but there are some things we have to remember. We tend to think that internalized homophobia only affects closeted gay men, but I have met many men who are basically out of the closet -- even out publicly -- and who are still dealing with issues of shame and guilt. Then we also have to remember that, sadly, many members of minorities blame their unhappiness not on the vicissitudes of fate or their own personality flaws, but on their being black or gay or what-have-you.
Here we have a gay man who has reached a certain age (in this case, 50) without a partner, and will probably say that he just wants companionship. So he's marrying a woman he feels a certain rapport with. There may be other factors. She may be after the indirect celebrity that comes from associating/marrying someone who is "famous" (admittedly only to those who bother to watch reality shows). There can also be financial motivations in mixed marriages. And loneliness can literally create strange bedfellows (although I seriously doubt if these two will have any kind of riveting sex life or any sex life at all -- with each other). Women who marry gay men are often dealing (or not dealing) with their own sexual identity issues, and there's almost always a conscious or sub-concious element of homophobia as well.
I have met a few openly gay (but rarely Out and Proud) men who marry woman late in life. One fellow told me it was about companionship, but he was also in the media, and I truly believe he was hoping he could fool the powers-that-be into thinking he was straight and taking him more seriously. I also believe there was a financial motive (and in this case the woman probably did not know he was gay, even though everyone else on the planet did. Or she was so desperate for a companion she didn't care.) The marriage, which lasted about two years, didn't have the desired effect, and the guy not only didn't go further in his career but got fired after many years of employment.
Eubanks has complained that he meets too many guys on the downlow and is sick of it. He blithely ignores the fact that there are a great many Out and Proud African-Americans.
It can be tough for anyone -- gay or straight -- to find "the one." But the search is made that much harder by those gay men who aren't fully accepting of themselves [regardless of how "out" they may be] or think of themselves as being unhappy being gay when their unhappiness is actually based on other factors-- it is easier to say your problem is being gay when the problem may actually be you and your character flaws. Often men like Eubanks drive potential mates away because their internalized homophobia prevents them from fully committing to a relationship with another male.
The truth is that a well-adjusted. proud gay man may have many loving friendships with women, but he'll have no desire to entire into a sham marriage with one of them. And a woman with healthy self-esteem and no hidden issues will allow a gay man to be gay and pursue a relationship with a man who can be totally "into" her.
A bigger truth is that if Dwight Eubanks ever does meet the man of his dreams -- and that man feels the same way about Eubanks -- the "wife" will be out of the picture before you can say Tom Robinson.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Mixed Marriages
Can a marriage between a straight woman and a gay man ever work? Anon.
Well, that depends on what you mean by "work" but in general the answer is no.
First of all, there is little point in a marriage between a gay person and a straight one, especially now that we're slowly but surely heading in the direction of full marriage equality.
Mixed gay-straight marriages can last for decades, if you call that "working," but I know of a lot of straight-straight marriages that last for decades with both of the spouses being miserable. So what's the point of a mixed marriage where you're already starting out with one very major strike against you?
Mixed marriages are often marriages of convenience, opportunity, and so on, but most often they are about a gay person's not being able to accept himself fully. By now we should be way past the days where some women married gay men in the hopes that they would "change" -- it just doesn't work that way. Many gay men in these kind of phony marriages are only technically bisexual -- they sleep with women (with varying degrees of success and interest), but their true passion is for men, whom they generally fantasize about during the sex act with their wives. It's a life of denial and/or sneaking around for the homosexual hubby, and who would wish that on anybody? In the meantime the wife has a husband who can never fully be hers -- and that's not a healthy situation, either.
The straight spouse sometimes senses something is ...missing... but she's not certain what it is until afterward when the truth comes out and it all seems clear. The straight spouse is often left alone and devastated while the newly out of the closet gay spouse goes off with the new boyfriend.
Sometimes the two parties in a mixed marriage can become best friends, and support one another emotionally, but always there's that secret part that is not shared. Even when it becomes an open secret, there's still a wide gap between these two individuals -- the gay spouse has never found himself or allowed himself (or been allowed) to fully bloom.
Heterosexual couples also can fall back on friendship when the romance is over and passion is spent (presuming it was there to begin with). But why settle for friendship when one could have a relationship that offers everything, including true passion and romance?
In other words, our spouses should become our best friends (and a lot more) but that doesn't mean that you should marry your best friend if he's gay and you're straight.
Mixed marriages may last for decades, but that doesn't mean that they are "working" in any real sense of the word. Gay relationships are not inferior to straight ones, and a gay person who is fully accepting of himself can only be truly happy with a member of his own sex. Self-hating, ashamed homosexuals may at first feel secure and happy in a "heterosexual" relationship, but this doesn't last long as they realize their homosexual feelings will not just disappear, and especially if they come to recognize that they have an aching need to be with a member of their own sex.
So my answer is: to all intents and purposes, gay-straight marriages do not work.
Well, that depends on what you mean by "work" but in general the answer is no.
First of all, there is little point in a marriage between a gay person and a straight one, especially now that we're slowly but surely heading in the direction of full marriage equality.
Mixed gay-straight marriages can last for decades, if you call that "working," but I know of a lot of straight-straight marriages that last for decades with both of the spouses being miserable. So what's the point of a mixed marriage where you're already starting out with one very major strike against you?
Mixed marriages are often marriages of convenience, opportunity, and so on, but most often they are about a gay person's not being able to accept himself fully. By now we should be way past the days where some women married gay men in the hopes that they would "change" -- it just doesn't work that way. Many gay men in these kind of phony marriages are only technically bisexual -- they sleep with women (with varying degrees of success and interest), but their true passion is for men, whom they generally fantasize about during the sex act with their wives. It's a life of denial and/or sneaking around for the homosexual hubby, and who would wish that on anybody? In the meantime the wife has a husband who can never fully be hers -- and that's not a healthy situation, either.
The straight spouse sometimes senses something is ...missing... but she's not certain what it is until afterward when the truth comes out and it all seems clear. The straight spouse is often left alone and devastated while the newly out of the closet gay spouse goes off with the new boyfriend.
Sometimes the two parties in a mixed marriage can become best friends, and support one another emotionally, but always there's that secret part that is not shared. Even when it becomes an open secret, there's still a wide gap between these two individuals -- the gay spouse has never found himself or allowed himself (or been allowed) to fully bloom.
Heterosexual couples also can fall back on friendship when the romance is over and passion is spent (presuming it was there to begin with). But why settle for friendship when one could have a relationship that offers everything, including true passion and romance?
In other words, our spouses should become our best friends (and a lot more) but that doesn't mean that you should marry your best friend if he's gay and you're straight.
Mixed marriages may last for decades, but that doesn't mean that they are "working" in any real sense of the word. Gay relationships are not inferior to straight ones, and a gay person who is fully accepting of himself can only be truly happy with a member of his own sex. Self-hating, ashamed homosexuals may at first feel secure and happy in a "heterosexual" relationship, but this doesn't last long as they realize their homosexual feelings will not just disappear, and especially if they come to recognize that they have an aching need to be with a member of their own sex.
So my answer is: to all intents and purposes, gay-straight marriages do not work.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Don Juan Homosexuals
What is a "Don Juan homosexual" and are there many of them? Anon.
You don't hear the term much anymore but a Don Juan homosexual is a man who sleeps with and/or gets involved romantically with many, many women because he can't deal with his homosexuality and wants to prove to himself and others that he's a "man." He takes the notion that a "virile" man must be heterosexual too literally. You would think that Gay Liberation would have eradicated most of these guys, but they still exist. There are men who have had several marriages (none successful) and many children who are actually repressed homosexuals -- they can sleep with women successfully but their main sexual attraction is to men. Some of these guys do have sex with men but do it on the "downlow," ashamed of their feelings and actions. They often have a "macho" meat-headed mindset, but Don Juan homosexuals can often be the more intellectual type. Some of them go their entire lives without having gay sex. They have low self-esteem and it's important for them to be seen as heterosexual, "manly" men and studly lover boys. Their marriages often end not because they cheat with men but with women, each time hoping that this new conquest will be the woman who will convince them forevermore that they're "normal."
Sad, really.
You don't hear the term much anymore but a Don Juan homosexual is a man who sleeps with and/or gets involved romantically with many, many women because he can't deal with his homosexuality and wants to prove to himself and others that he's a "man." He takes the notion that a "virile" man must be heterosexual too literally. You would think that Gay Liberation would have eradicated most of these guys, but they still exist. There are men who have had several marriages (none successful) and many children who are actually repressed homosexuals -- they can sleep with women successfully but their main sexual attraction is to men. Some of these guys do have sex with men but do it on the "downlow," ashamed of their feelings and actions. They often have a "macho" meat-headed mindset, but Don Juan homosexuals can often be the more intellectual type. Some of them go their entire lives without having gay sex. They have low self-esteem and it's important for them to be seen as heterosexual, "manly" men and studly lover boys. Their marriages often end not because they cheat with men but with women, each time hoping that this new conquest will be the woman who will convince them forevermore that they're "normal."
Sad, really.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Doomed Infatuation
I fear my friend is heading down a dark path. He has become very good friends -- or so he says -- with a much younger man who identifies as straight. My friend says his feelings for this younger man are strictly platonic, but the way he goes on about him it is very clear that he is smitten. I believe the young man is deeply conflicted and in any case will ultimately never allow any older gay man to become too close to him; the possibility of any real relationship is remote. I'm afraid my friend is going to get very hurt but I don't know what to do about it. George.
Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.
In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.
Sometimes, sadly, there isn't anything you can do about it. If he's in a deep denial about his true feelings for this young man -- or if he just won't talk about it honestly with you -- then there's not a lot you can do. I suspect that you've tried to draw him out on the subject, but he resists. Hopefully as he becomes ever more infatuated he'll turn to his friends for comfort and advice. The best thing you can probably do is be there for him when the ultimate letdown arrives. You're right that young, conflicted men often turn on the older gay men that have been there for them (sometimes out of their own needs, admittedly) and it's never very pretty. A good friend who will listen and help build up his self-esteem, reminding him that there are people who care about him even if his "beloved" does not, will provide some sort of comfort and support.
In the meantime, introduce him to some gay guys his own age who might take his mind off the conflicted pup. The easiest way to get over an infatuation is to meet someone new who can play back your feelings instead of constantly pining for the unattainable.
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