Mixed Marriages

Can a marriage between a straight woman and a gay man ever work? Anon.

Well, that depends on what you mean by "work" but in general the answer is no.

First of all, there is little point in a marriage between a gay person and a straight one, especially now that we're slowly but surely heading in the direction of full marriage equality.

Mixed gay-straight marriages can last for decades, if you call that "working," but I know of a lot of straight-straight marriages that last for decades with both of the spouses being miserable. So what's the point of a mixed marriage where you're already starting out with one very major strike against you?

Mixed marriages are often marriages of convenience, opportunity, and so on, but most often they are about a gay person's not being able to accept himself fully. By now we should be way past the days where some women married gay men in the hopes that they would "change" -- it just doesn't work that way. Many gay men in these kind of phony marriages are only technically bisexual -- they sleep with women (with varying degrees of success and interest), but their true passion is for men, whom they generally fantasize about during the sex act with their wives. It's a life of denial and/or sneaking around for the homosexual hubby, and who would wish that on anybody? In the meantime the wife has a husband who can never fully be hers -- and that's not a healthy situation, either.

The straight spouse sometimes senses something is ...missing... but she's not certain what it is until afterward when the truth comes out and it all seems clear. The straight spouse is often left alone and devastated while the newly out of the closet gay spouse goes off with the new boyfriend.

Sometimes the two parties in a mixed marriage can become best friends, and support one another emotionally, but always there's that secret part that is not shared. Even when it becomes an open secret, there's still a wide gap between these two individuals -- the gay spouse has never found himself or allowed himself (or been allowed) to fully bloom.

Heterosexual couples also can fall back on friendship when the romance is over and passion is spent (presuming it was there to begin with). But why settle for friendship when one could have a relationship that offers everything, including true passion and romance?

In other words, our spouses should become our best friends (and a lot more) but that doesn't mean that you should marry your best friend if he's gay and you're straight.

Mixed marriages may last for decades, but that doesn't mean that they are "working" in any real sense of the word. Gay relationships are not inferior to straight ones, and a gay person who is fully accepting of himself can only be truly happy with a member of his own sex. Self-hating, ashamed homosexuals may at first feel secure and happy in a "heterosexual" relationship, but this doesn't last long as they realize their homosexual feelings will not just disappear, and especially if they come to recognize that they have an aching need to be with a member of their own sex.

So my answer is: to all intents and purposes, gay-straight marriages do not work.

Mixed Gay/Straight Marriages

If one partner in a heterosexual marriage realizes that he or she is gay, is there still a chance that the couple can stay together? More to the point, should they? Anon.

No. A man or woman who is essentially homosexual should be in a happy, healthy relationship with a member of their own sex, not living a lie in a sham marriage. Most homosexuals who enter into heterosexual marriages do so because of self-hated, internalized homophobia, an inability to accept that they're gay and that gay is good. Homosexuals in these phony marriages should always be encouraged to accept themselves as gay men or lesbians, or they can never be completely happy or fulfilled. Homosexuals in these situations may feel that they're getting some benefit -- heterosexual privileges, so to speak -- out of being married, but it's just that they feel more "secure" by posing as "straight" to the world. But this feeling of security is just as illusionary as the marriage. They're constantly in terror of being exposed. And their self-hatred and dissatisfaction is debilitating.

Some homosexuals come to look upon their heterosexual spouses as their best friends, or some kind of a safety net. But a relationship with a "best friend" is not the same as the fully romantic and sexual, completely fulfilling and mature relationship, that both spouses deserve. Not only is the homosexual spouse getting a raw deal, but so is the straight one.

Couples in this situation should never be encouraged to stay together. The homosexual spouse will never feel good about him or herself as a gay person in such a situation. Any one who counsels these people must address the issue of internalized homophobia that is at the root of the problem. Anything less is completely unfair to both parties. The straight spouse (as well as the homosexual one) must come to realize that homosexuality is not some kind of disease that can be or should be "suppressed" so that a sham "heterosexual" marriage can continue. This is only allowing a situation in which homophobic attitudes -- both internalized and external -- can fester.

(Shockingly, I have come across gay therapists who think these couples should sometimes stay together, depriving both spouses of ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It's bad enough if straight, homophobic therapists feel this way, but gay ones? Perhaps they're dealing -- or not dealing -- with their own issues ... They absorb a lot of trendy, pc crap and spew it out as gospel or else believe all the nonsense spouted by their in-denial patients. Therapists, sadly, can be as dumb as anyone.)

Sometimes couples in this situation can remain friends -- especially if there are children involved -- even after both have moved on. But they should never stay together "for the sake of the children." Both parents will be miserable and children can hardly flourish in such an atmosphere.

Homosexuals in these "mixed marriages" should always be encouraged to stop being married homosexuals and closet cases, and come out as happily gay. This is the 21st century, after all, not the pre-Stonewall period, and even then "mixed marriages" were unfair and ludicrous.

Straight spouses of homosexuals can find support at the Straight Spouse Network. Homosexuals in "straight" marriages should seek counseling at their nearest gay/LGBT center. In both cases, any therapist should be at least gay-friendly, and a gay therapist should have a strong sense of Gay Pride.

That's the way it is!