Man with Boyfriend Wants Wife

I'm a 28 year old guy and i have been bisexual since I was a teenager, but i was exclusively gay in the past 10 years with complete self-acceptance as a homosexual. My boyfriend and i were together for 4 years but now all of a sudden i started seeing my best "girl friend" from another view rather than just as a friend. I confessed to her and she knows everything about me (we're friends for 11 years or so) and we started getting more intimate; she said she can accept whatever happened in the past but once we are committed that's it for monkey business with a girl or with a guy. i totally understand her wish but i am so confused now with a lot of questions that turned my life upside down & is causing me continuous anxiety and depression

-Will i be able to do it?? All other forums and people's experiences say they couldn't do it and at some point of my life i would be unable to suppress same-sex feelings and i never ever wanna think of putting her into this [situation].

-i feel terrible for my boyfriend who believes i am only doing this because i have a strong parental instinct and if I have a child it has to be my own child.

Is it true that i really want to get married to her and constitute our own family (i see her as the perfect match mind-wise and fun-wise) or am i just deceiving myself and it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance and have the kids i want( i'm from the Middle east in a country where homosexuals face complete social rejection)

i would hate myself if i realized too late that this is the case as i will be just using her! i also feel terrible for my boyfriend , and i don't know how can i help him and help myself , we're both having extremely hard times trying to change the image of me and him living together in the future although we can still be friends but nothing more.

Sometimes when i think of it, i'm like yeah this is the life i want, a loving and understanding wife, kids and a nice family life but sometimes i'm like no, it can't be like that all of sudden , i have never thought of marriage....EVER and you should know i am 80% attracted to males and only 20% attracted to females.

Well, I think you've just answered your own question. At times you say you're bisexual and at others homosexual, but it's clear that whatever you are your preference is men. Just the fact that you're wondering if your "straight" feelings are genuine or if they come from your doubts about your future as a gay man in a hostile atmosphere tells the story. I realize that for some people, especially those who live in countries much more hostile to homosexuals, it would be easier to be straight, but wishing it just doesn't make it so. By trying to live a straight life you might only be doing harm to yourself, the woman you profess to love, and especially your boyfriend.

First, read what I have to say about "mixed marriages" where one partner is straight and the other is gay. Click here.

You say that you're feeling confused and depressed. It is no coincidence that this has happened just after you left your boyfriend and decided to make your bff [best female friend] your lover or wife. I think the truth is obvious and you said it yourself when you wrote: it's just a desperate attempt of my unconsciousness to gain social and family acceptance.

You can't make a total commitment to your girlfriend because a.) you're still in love with your boyfriend and b.) you're basically gay.

If you honestly feel that your boyfriend is not the right man for you for any reason, that doesn't mean you should seek happiness with a member of the opposite sex. I realize that living in an oppressive environment as you do makes things that much more difficult -- to put it mildly -- but if you and your partner have enough love for each other you can triumph over adversity. Your girlfriend can remain a friend who's there for you when you need her.

In the U.S. we have people that are known as "ex-gays." These are homosexual men and women who are full of self-hatred and/or simply feel that their lives will be easier if they are straight, or at least appear to be, so they enter into sham marriages. The vast majority of these people are unable to suppress their true instincts [a terrible thing to do in any case] and wind up having clandestine affairs with members of their own sex. People can't change their sexual orientation no matter how much they may want to.

The truth is, if you're afraid that you'll only be using this woman in your life, that is probably just what you'll be doing.

99% of gay liberation is in the head, as we used to say in the Gay Activists Alliance of New York. That means, if you accept that you're gay -- and that there's nothing wrong in being gay -- you can deal with everything else -- it will give you the strength to persevere.

Good luck!

Boyfriend Marries Woman Part 2

The following is in response to my past last month on Boyfriend Marries Woman.

Thanks Dr. Bill for your answer -

A few more clarifications from my end - - well my partner did mention raising kids at some point in the past but I did not show much enthusiasm and we let the matter drop- had I known it meant so much to him I would have gladly gone in for surrogacy of a child as I wanted to be with him at any cost.

Unfortunately the arranged marriage bit is very real. I chose not to believe it hoping that he was just testing me but a few days before he left he came home with gifts from his office mates and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sometimes we just don't want to believe the ominous signs...

My intense regret is that we both did so much to make a life together and to just throw it away after a silly argument is rash and immature. I cut-off ties with friends and family to just be solely with him and now most of my friends are either smug or don't want to have anything to do with me.

Yes you are right I don't intend in having a 3rd person in our relationship and I hope I am strong enough to tell him that when he comes back. Doc I am trying very hard not to be bitter or hate. Yes I know I must play the field again and I will but for now I am hoping he comes back and gives me hope for both of us to be together still. After all as you say gay men should remain with other gay men.

Here's a question for you: since he is a top gay man does that make him more prone to bi-sexuality than say a bottom ?

Thanks and regards.

Well this guy doesn't sound like a genuine bisexual to me, just someone who is giving in to parental pressure and marrying the woman that his parents have apparently picked out for him. It's a shame he doesn't have the strength to resist this. But to answer your question, there's no evidence to suggest that bisexual men are more likely to be tops or vice versa, just as there is no correlation between how butch of femme a guy may be and whether or not he's a top or bottom. Some homosexual men with "issues" refuse to be bottoms [even if that's what they really want] because they think it "unmanly" -- which is often why they wind up with women. There are also guys who have "straight" sex with women -- generally their wives [or beards] -- and then put up the legs for the men in their lives.

If your friends are not being supportive, then to hell with them. You'll make new friends -- and find a great new guy who will treat you with the respect you deserve.

Mixed Gay/Straight Marriages

If one partner in a heterosexual marriage realizes that he or she is gay, is there still a chance that the couple can stay together? More to the point, should they? Anon.

No. A man or woman who is essentially homosexual should be in a happy, healthy relationship with a member of their own sex, not living a lie in a sham marriage. Most homosexuals who enter into heterosexual marriages do so because of self-hated, internalized homophobia, an inability to accept that they're gay and that gay is good. Homosexuals in these phony marriages should always be encouraged to accept themselves as gay men or lesbians, or they can never be completely happy or fulfilled. Homosexuals in these situations may feel that they're getting some benefit -- heterosexual privileges, so to speak -- out of being married, but it's just that they feel more "secure" by posing as "straight" to the world. But this feeling of security is just as illusionary as the marriage. They're constantly in terror of being exposed. And their self-hatred and dissatisfaction is debilitating.

Some homosexuals come to look upon their heterosexual spouses as their best friends, or some kind of a safety net. But a relationship with a "best friend" is not the same as the fully romantic and sexual, completely fulfilling and mature relationship, that both spouses deserve. Not only is the homosexual spouse getting a raw deal, but so is the straight one.

Couples in this situation should never be encouraged to stay together. The homosexual spouse will never feel good about him or herself as a gay person in such a situation. Any one who counsels these people must address the issue of internalized homophobia that is at the root of the problem. Anything less is completely unfair to both parties. The straight spouse (as well as the homosexual one) must come to realize that homosexuality is not some kind of disease that can be or should be "suppressed" so that a sham "heterosexual" marriage can continue. This is only allowing a situation in which homophobic attitudes -- both internalized and external -- can fester.

(Shockingly, I have come across gay therapists who think these couples should sometimes stay together, depriving both spouses of ultimate happiness and fulfillment. It's bad enough if straight, homophobic therapists feel this way, but gay ones? Perhaps they're dealing -- or not dealing -- with their own issues ... They absorb a lot of trendy, pc crap and spew it out as gospel or else believe all the nonsense spouted by their in-denial patients. Therapists, sadly, can be as dumb as anyone.)

Sometimes couples in this situation can remain friends -- especially if there are children involved -- even after both have moved on. But they should never stay together "for the sake of the children." Both parents will be miserable and children can hardly flourish in such an atmosphere.

Homosexuals in these "mixed marriages" should always be encouraged to stop being married homosexuals and closet cases, and come out as happily gay. This is the 21st century, after all, not the pre-Stonewall period, and even then "mixed marriages" were unfair and ludicrous.

Straight spouses of homosexuals can find support at the Straight Spouse Network. Homosexuals in "straight" marriages should seek counseling at their nearest gay/LGBT center. In both cases, any therapist should be at least gay-friendly, and a gay therapist should have a strong sense of Gay Pride.

That's the way it is!