Internet Dating -- When The Man and The Photos Don't Match

I really need some advice, Dr. Bill. I started dating guys I met on the Internet a few months ago, and more often than not that guy who walks into the bar or coffee shop looks a little -- and sometimes a LOT -- different from the photograph[s] they've posted. I try to be kind and tactful but I really find it annoying, even offensive. How do they expect to get away with it? Should I say something to these guys directly? Should I just walk out and/or pretend I don't know them? How would you handle it? Frustrated in Boston.

Well, there's a good reason why I prefer to meet the men I date in person in a bar, at a party, or some other social situation. I have been in just the situation you describe and it is never pleasant or easy. Here are some thoughts on guys who don't match their pictures.

1.) Some people photograph differently from the way they actually look. They're not trying to pull a fast one; it's something they can't control. Sometimes, happily, an attractive man is simply not "photogenic" and looks better in real life than in their photos, which is a happy surprise. Not so happy when it's the other way around.

2.) On Internet dating sites people naturally try to put their best face forward. Some make the mistake of using shots that are a little too flattering. [Maybe we should all use our Department of Motor Vehicle photos and our dates will all be happily surprised when they meet us. On second thought, if we all did that we'd never get dates.] Some men don't have a great "sense of self" [or are delusional] and they don't realize they're sending an inaccurate impression of themselves. Some people don't update their photos for years because they honestly don't believe they've changed [and boy are they wrong!] That's fine for DMV photos, but not for dating sites.

3.) Then we have people who are [dis]honestly perpetrating fraud. They know perfectly well they look nothing like their photo. Oh, sure, you can recognize them, but they've put on fifty pounds, gone gray, shaved the beard, gone bald etc. etc. I believe you've fallen victim to these jokers.

Guys post old photographs for the simple reason that they feel no one will contact them if they don't. They figure most of us are too polite to say anything when they show up looking ten years older and fifty pounds fatter. They're convinced that they're so nice, so witty, so sexy [hot in bed without being hot-looking] that once we meet them in the flesh we'll completely overlook their flaws and even hop into the sack with them that very night. Of course they're dead wrong. They're almost a kind of predator, frankly.

How should you handle it? Do what I do. I have a drink or two and if the conversation flows, if I'm having fun, I figure at least it will be a pleasant enough evening, if not a sexy one, and I may stay awhile (but never too long). If the conversation doesn't flow and I'm bored I finish my drink quickly and I'm out of there. I can't worry about hurt feelings. They created the whole false situation in the first place, not me.

While thank goodness I've never been in this situation, if a guy shows up who looks nothing like his photo -- I mean you really have trouble figuring out who he is and wondering where he came from -- say good-night quickly. Even if you come to realize that it's the right person [but the change is so dramatic, say a thin guy of thirty now looking like an obese man of sixty] you have an absolute right to walk out. And if it's a completely different person, say the roommate of the guy you wanted to date, you also have an absolute right to walk out. Go, go, go, baby.

These guys are just wasting your time and mine and even their own. The thing is, nowadays people go for all kinds of types, including the follically challenged [like me], the morbidly obese [whom I see being cruised all the time], anything and everyone. We can feel sorry for fellows like these who post seriously out-dated and misleading photographs, but we also have a right to date the person we see on the web site, not a "bizarro duplicate" [like out of the Superman comics].

We can't all be young, slender, pretty boys, so we should just be ourselves, eh?

Watch Out for That Man With a Wife

What percentage of men on gay dating sites would you say have wives and children? Z.

I wouldn't doubt that it's at least 10% and possibly as high on some sites as 25% or more. Even with all the recent scandals a la Larry Craig and Jim McGreevey, people still don't realize how many so-called "family" men are privately homosexual and still deep in the closet even in this day and age. And they're not all Republicans. Some of these men are at least "out" to some gay friends or at least their tricks (sex partners). There is probably a higher percentage on line than in bars because some of these guys won't go into a gay bar, afraid they might run into someone who will recognize them and gossip. Especially if they live in a smaller city.

Some of these guys are honest about their marital status and refer to themselves as "married bi's," preferring to have people think they're simply "hip" swingin' bisexuals than the pathetic out-of-date closet cases most of them really are. If a gay guy -- (I use the word "gay" to denote Out and Proud or at least a self-accepting gay person as opposed to a self-hating homo) wants to have a quickie with one of these guys, that's his business, but he should never expect anything more from him than a quick lay. As the cliche goes: they never leave their beards, I mean, wives.

There are occasional exceptions. Some of these men are finally coming to accept themselves as homosexuals and getting tired of leading double lives. They're not quite ready to come out of the closet yet and live an open gay life, but they do want to meet people. Hopefully some of the men they meet on these sites will convince them that it's okay to be gay.

Some gay men, myself included, have felt it necessary on some sites to add a note to our profiles saying, in effect, that we're not interested in dating guys with wives. One man explained on his profile that these married guys often suffered from guilt feelings and who needs the hassle? You want to meet a nice guy to either date, screw, or maybe even have a relationship with, not these f--kers who -- when it comes to Gay Pride -- are still roaming with the dinosaurs.

Not all men on these sites are honest (big news, right?). But in general you can have a good idea of whether someone is married and/or deeply in the closet by whether or not they post a photograph of their face. (Okay, some guys feel their face is not their best feature, or are a bit shy about the Internet etc., but they should at least offer to send a facial shot once you've both sent a few private messages back and forth.) Who can tell if you're going to find a guy attractive if all you can see is a picture of their penis? We're not all "size kings."

However, some of these guys post their pictures anyway. As I've said in other posts, a sixth sense can help in telling you if the guy is being upfront about his situation or not. Is he forthcoming, is he free with his name and email, what he does and so on, or is he sly and secretive? Is his profile practically blank -- nothing about his life, his work, his interests? Either he's incredibly uninteresting or he's hiding something.

One big indicator. If he says "I'm not into a gay scene" he probably isn't. Oh, he's homosexual, all right, he's just not "gay."

Listen, I don't want to discourage anyone from using Internet dating sites because they're afraid every guy they meet will turn out to be married.

The vast majority of men on these sites are gay, baby, gay!