Weighty Matters

Why are lesbians disproportionately overweight compared to straight women? I have no evidence of this but in my experience it seems to be true. Anon,

Yikes -- talk about stereotyping! I don't know about your experience but I've seen and met lesbians of all shapes and sizes and have not seen any indication that most are overweight as compared to heterosexual women. As well, the "butch" stereotype only accounts for a small percentage of gay women. As I've said many times, the gay community is not only very diverse, but most gay people -- male and female -- do not conform to stereotypes, be they "nelly queens" or "butch, heavyset lesbians." These people exist, of course, and are entitled to as much respect as anyone else, but they are hardly the whole community.

I think many people, gay and straight, have trouble getting past stereotypes because A.) they are unaware of how really large (and I'm not referring to weight, LOL) the gay community is and B.) they see gay people as all resembling themselves [if they're gay] or the couple of gay friends they may have [if they're not].

Gay people may have weight issues, but no more so than the rest of the population.

Gay Cosmetics Line?

Do you think a make-up line specifically geared for gay men would do good business? JP.

First of all, I can't imagine many of the gay guys I know, many of whom are bears, would be interested in wearing make-up. Drag queens might buy make up, but the average gay guy is simply a guy, and like most guys, has no interest in wearing make-up. Also, we've got to get past this whole straight/gay business when it comes to men and what they like and dislike. I've already mentioned that there are straight guys who are neat, fastidious and clothes-conscious, and gay men who are slobs and couldn't care less about fashion. Some men -- gay and straight -- dye their hair as they get older; others -- again, gay and straight -- wouldn't think of it. I'm sure there are men who might wear bronzer to give themselves a tanned appearance, or some kind of cosmetic cover up to put over a blemish, but I think it has less to do with their orientation as to how much they care about their appearance. It's ridiculous to suggest that all gay men, or only gay men, care about how they look.

Not saying some cosmetics, depending on what they are, specifically geared to gay men might not sell, but if you're talking about lipstick or eye shadow I can't imagine it being a very large market, as only transvestites would have any interest in such products.

Don't Ask

Is it okay to wear white after New Year's? Jen.

Uh, how the hell would I know? I'm a bear, not one of the "fab" four on Queer Eye.

Youth and Beauty?

Why are gay people so obsessed with youth and beauty? Why can't they see past a person's outer surface and appreciate what's on the inside? M

Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."

But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.

I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)

So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.

Good luck!

Gay or Bi?

I am more attracted to men than to women, but I can't see myself living with a man for a lifetime. I don't relate to gay men because I am not effeminate and have no interest in the typical things gay men seem obsessed with, like fashion. Therefore I feel that I must be bisexual instead of gay. Is this correct? What do you think? J in Dallas.

I think you have to realize that the gay community is very diverse and there are many, many gay men who are not effeminate, couldn't care less about fashion, and aren't in the least stereotypical (NOT that there is anything wrong with such men). The vast majority of gay people aren't stereotypical, in fact.

I suppose you could be bi, but it sounds to me as if you're more likely gay and in denial because of your stereotypical notions of gay men. This is fairly common in this age: "I can't be gay because I fill in the blank or because I don't fill in the blank. When you realize that there are many, many gay men like yourself you will hopefully get over this notion that you couldn't possibly have another man as a lifetime partner. [Also remember that bisexuality is generally defined as the ability to fall in love with a member of either sex.] You need to get over your fear of being, or being perceived as, gay. This is what we call internalized homophobia, a self-doubt or self-hated that prevents one from coming fully out of the closet.

Don't worry. Get past stereotypes. You can be very happy as a gay man even if you're not into "fashion." Check out the Bear community, a huge sub-sect of the gay male community full of guys who are generally into stuff that gay men aren't supposed to be into!