I'm a straight woman, but it seems to me that gay men tend to be nicer, gentler people than straight men? Am I correct on this or way off-base? G.
Well I'm sure there are a lot of women who may feel as you do -- but it's probably because a gay man isn't likely to give you the grief that a straight boyfriend or husband can. Straight women can fall in love with gay men and become heart-broken, but it usually isn't because the gay man has led them on.
The image of gay men as being nicer and gentler -- that is, softer -- is why a lot of people think erroneously that gay men aren't tough enough to serve in the military. As I've often said, we're a diversified bunch. I've met gay men who are very sweet people who'd never hurt a soul, and gay men who are real S.O.Bs. Ditto for straight men. You've heard women complain about guys who say they're gonna call but never do or otherwise mistreat them? Well, some gay men often have the same complaint about the gay guys they date.
Gay men may be more open-minded and less sexist than their straight counterparts, but in general gay men come in all varieties, some nice, some not so nice. We're just people, after all. And we are men, with all -- good or bad or in-between -- that implies.
On the other side of the coin, there are people -- including, sadly, gay people -- who think that gay men are somehow worse than straight men in certain ways. In his book The Price of Achievement: Coming Out in Reagan Days (1995), which I just caught up with, Gay Republican (!) W. Scott Thompson states that gay men are more likely to steal and lie! This is probably because Thompson, who had been married with children before coming out, expected that only straight men took somebody's phone number, said they were gonna call, and didn't. (He broke up with a second fiancee by letter!!!) He also invited guests to gay parties at his Dupont Circle townhouse and some of them stole the silverware. But this is a guy who admittedly picked up good-looking tramps on the street and brought them home, supposedly to help improve their lot in life, so you can imagine his choice of party guests wasn't too ideal. [May I say that Thompson's book is stimulating, thought-provoking and well-written, but I disagree with his generalizations of gay men (possibly motivated by a degree of buried but not obliterated self-hatred?) Republicans!
Gay men are no more likely to steal from their friends or lie to people than anyone else, and it is outrageous to suggest so.
Showing posts with label straight women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label straight women. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Homophobic Boyfriend
I am a 28-year-old straight woman who is dating a thirty-year-old man. He is a nice guy in many ways but it bothers me that he is so homophobic. If he sees a guy that he even suspects might be gay, he'll say something disparaging. He also puts other men down by implying that they're gay. He uses homophobic slur terms on a regular basis. This happens over and over again. Could he be covering up some homosexual feelings of his own? He just never seems to let an opportunity to say something anti-gay go by. Thanks. SJ.
Whatever's up with this guy, he clearly has issues. There are a lot of homophobic guys out there, but if they go on and on and on about it it's never a good sign. And clearly he's overdoing it or you wouldn't be quite so bothered. Some straight men with mild homophobic attitudes can learn and change, but others have deep-rooted feelings that are much harder to reach.
Even if his feelings are caused by religious attitudes or the like, the fact that he can't stop making homophobic comments is a bad sign. It may be that he suffers from a severe inferiority complex, which is the cause of most prejudice (against gays or other minorities). For some reason he doesn't feel very manly and needs to hate gays so he can feel superior to them. Subconsciously he thinks: I may not be much of a man but at least I'm not a fag.
It's also possible that he's repressing his own homosexual feelings, which is often (but not always) the case with gay bashers. Men like this repeatedly insult gay men in the hopes that it will prevent anyone from sensing the truth about them, which they don't even want to admit to themselves.
Whatever the truth, he sounds like a guy with serious sexual identity issues. You can try confronting him on this and see what happens. Perhaps he can undergo counseling, or if he's repressed, learn to accept his sexuality. But in any case, it sounds like you might need to move on.
But I have a feeling you've pretty much come to the same conclusion, right?
Whatever's up with this guy, he clearly has issues. There are a lot of homophobic guys out there, but if they go on and on and on about it it's never a good sign. And clearly he's overdoing it or you wouldn't be quite so bothered. Some straight men with mild homophobic attitudes can learn and change, but others have deep-rooted feelings that are much harder to reach.
Even if his feelings are caused by religious attitudes or the like, the fact that he can't stop making homophobic comments is a bad sign. It may be that he suffers from a severe inferiority complex, which is the cause of most prejudice (against gays or other minorities). For some reason he doesn't feel very manly and needs to hate gays so he can feel superior to them. Subconsciously he thinks: I may not be much of a man but at least I'm not a fag.
It's also possible that he's repressing his own homosexual feelings, which is often (but not always) the case with gay bashers. Men like this repeatedly insult gay men in the hopes that it will prevent anyone from sensing the truth about them, which they don't even want to admit to themselves.
Whatever the truth, he sounds like a guy with serious sexual identity issues. You can try confronting him on this and see what happens. Perhaps he can undergo counseling, or if he's repressed, learn to accept his sexuality. But in any case, it sounds like you might need to move on.
But I have a feeling you've pretty much come to the same conclusion, right?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Youth and Beauty?
Why are gay people so obsessed with youth and beauty? Why can't they see past a person's outer surface and appreciate what's on the inside? M
Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."
But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.
I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)
So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.
Good luck!
Where are you getting this crazy idea that all gay people are obsessed with youth and beauty, as you put it? Do you you think straight guys go out looking for older, unattractive women when they cruise? Do straight women only want bald older guys with pot bellies (not that there's anything wrong with that)? The hot-looking guys you probably covet may be turning up their noses at you -- but if you only want to date hot-looking guys, why should they be any different? The fact remains -- and this has nothing to do with a person's sex or sexual orientation -- that some people (especially, but not always when they're younger) are more interested in a partner's physical appearance than in his or her "inner beauty."
But there are plenty of people -- gay as well as straight -- who don't necessarily care if someone conforms to a "hot" or Hollywood handsome stereotype. In the bear community, in particular -- as I have noted elsewhere -- being bald, hairy, overweight, middle-aged or older can often be considered an asset. And there are gay men outside the bear community who feel the same way.
I believe that those gay men who feel all other gay men are superficial (a very pre-Stonewall attitude) feel that way because they think everyone else feels the same way they do, but that's just not the case. These men may not have any straight friends or go into straight bars, where they can see that the rules of attraction aren't any different. (The diversity of the gay community and its attitudes are remarkable.)
So if you've been striking out lately why not pass up the "hot" handsome guys and make a pass at someone who may be perfectly nice and pleasant-looking -- if not drop-dead gorgeous -- but also has those superior inner qualities that you claim to be looking for.
Good luck!
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Gay Men and Lesbians
I don't mean to offend, but I always get the impression that gay men and lesbians do not like each other. I know its cliche to say that gay people hate members of the opposite sex, but I think this is different cause gay men and straight women seem to get along. Why can't gay men and lesbians get along? S in Phoenix.
Generally I think gay men and lesbians do get along as they are both subject to persecution as homosexuals. I know many gay men who have lesbian friends and vice versa. Sometimes there is a connection between gay men and straight women because both are attracted to males, but this doesn't seem to have carried over in the same way to lesbians and straight men, although certainly they can be friends as well.
So it's not so much that gay men and lesbians don't get along but that they have different interests, and in general people prefer to hang out with others like themselves. As women, lesbians feel that they have issues to deal with -- sexism, for instance -- that gay men do not have to contend with, although a link has been established between misogyny and homophobia (men who hate women often hate homosexuals because they supposedly remind them of women).
Of course some gay men can have sexist attitudes as much as their hetero counterparts. (On the other hand, many gay men are much more understanding of women, because they, too, relate to being discriminated against and looked down upon.) A few gay men have issues with lesbians in particular, primarily because they prefer the company of other (gay) men and don't form friendships with gay women and get to know them, or because they feel some lesbians have no use for men.
The reality is that the gay community is very diverse and misunderstandings between the sexes can certainly occur. But in my experience, most -- if, sadly, not all -- gay men and lesbians are perfectly respectful of one another.
Generally I think gay men and lesbians do get along as they are both subject to persecution as homosexuals. I know many gay men who have lesbian friends and vice versa. Sometimes there is a connection between gay men and straight women because both are attracted to males, but this doesn't seem to have carried over in the same way to lesbians and straight men, although certainly they can be friends as well.
So it's not so much that gay men and lesbians don't get along but that they have different interests, and in general people prefer to hang out with others like themselves. As women, lesbians feel that they have issues to deal with -- sexism, for instance -- that gay men do not have to contend with, although a link has been established between misogyny and homophobia (men who hate women often hate homosexuals because they supposedly remind them of women).
Of course some gay men can have sexist attitudes as much as their hetero counterparts. (On the other hand, many gay men are much more understanding of women, because they, too, relate to being discriminated against and looked down upon.) A few gay men have issues with lesbians in particular, primarily because they prefer the company of other (gay) men and don't form friendships with gay women and get to know them, or because they feel some lesbians have no use for men.
The reality is that the gay community is very diverse and misunderstandings between the sexes can certainly occur. But in my experience, most -- if, sadly, not all -- gay men and lesbians are perfectly respectful of one another.
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