Thursday, May 15, 2008

Homophobic Boyfriend

I am a 28-year-old straight woman who is dating a thirty-year-old man. He is a nice guy in many ways but it bothers me that he is so homophobic. If he sees a guy that he even suspects might be gay, he'll say something disparaging. He also puts other men down by implying that they're gay. He uses homophobic slur terms on a regular basis. This happens over and over again. Could he be covering up some homosexual feelings of his own? He just never seems to let an opportunity to say something anti-gay go by. Thanks. SJ.

Whatever's up with this guy, he clearly has issues. There are a lot of homophobic guys out there, but if they go on and on and on about it it's never a good sign. And clearly he's overdoing it or you wouldn't be quite so bothered. Some straight men with mild homophobic attitudes can learn and change, but others have deep-rooted feelings that are much harder to reach.

Even if his feelings are caused by religious attitudes or the like, the fact that he can't stop making homophobic comments is a bad sign. It may be that he suffers from a severe inferiority complex, which is the cause of most prejudice (against gays or other minorities). For some reason he doesn't feel very manly and needs to hate gays so he can feel superior to them. Subconsciously he thinks: I may not be much of a man but at least I'm not a fag.

It's also possible that he's repressing his own homosexual feelings, which is often (but not always) the case with gay bashers. Men like this repeatedly insult gay men in the hopes that it will prevent anyone from sensing the truth about them, which they don't even want to admit to themselves.

Whatever the truth, he sounds like a guy with serious sexual identity issues. You can try confronting him on this and see what happens. Perhaps he can undergo counseling, or if he's repressed, learn to accept his sexuality. But in any case, it sounds like you might need to move on.

But I have a feeling you've pretty much come to the same conclusion, right?


KJ said...

Run fast. Do not look back. And be thankful he DID make all those homophobic slurs, because they were actually warning bells about his personality and his character. He's possibly a closeted gay guy. Be that as it may, he's very surely an insensitive, immature moron. And those traits will show up in so many ways later in your relationship. Be thankful you've seen his true colors.

Bill Samuels said...

You make good points, kj. Thanks for your comments. Bill