Looks Discrimination

Although I am young, 24, I do not have the requisite 'hot body' or 'handsome face' that seems obligatory if you are to get a lover in the gay world. Hot guys turn up their noses at me, and I am forced to have sex with trolls. So what advice, Dr. Bill, would you have for those of us who do not fit into the required hot looks category? Anon.

"Forced to have sex with trolls," huh? Do you see how hypocritical you're being? You complain about not being good-looking enough to attract hot guys, then you turn around and put down the men who are attracted to you because they're not hot enough.

In other words you're exhibiting the same superficial mentality of the men that you say "turn up their noses" at you.

Gay or straight, it's easy to get bitter if you're not conventionally attractive in this world. But there's so much more to landing a man than good looks. I know guys who have such a dynamic personality, warmth and humor that they can practically talk their way into anybody's bed. (I am by no means conventionally handsome -- nor young by today's standards --but I'm often surprised how young and attractive many of my partners are.) A lot has to do with self-confidence and your own attitude toward yourself and others. If you walk into a bar with an "attitude," glaring at all those around you who dare not to be attracted to you, you
will probably turn off anyone who does find you attractive.

Let's get past this hokey, old-fashioned notion that all gay men -- or even most -- are superficially obsessed with youth and looks. Sure, everybody likes a good-looking guy, but you have to expand upon what "good-looking" is. In the gay bear community, for instance, paunches, bald heads, and hairy bodies -- turn-offs to many gay men -- are assets. There are other attributes, such as masculinity, a sense of humor, a sheer vibrant sensuality, that can make up for a lack of traditional good looks.

You can't blame "hot" guys for going after other hot guys when you yourself are doing the same thing.

The truth is most men -- gay or straight -- do not conform to the buff body, chiseled features stereotype of the professional male model or porn star (not all of whom are universally lusted after in any case. I frequently see models and porn stars that I am not in the least attracted to, and vice versa, I'm sure). But most men still get laid and find love, right? Stop being trapped by your own narrow vision of what's attractive.

With a new attitude, less hatred for yourself and contempt for others who don't fit neatly into the "hot" category, you may find not only hot safe sex but love.

Remember that some of those "trolls" are in their own way attractive men who are looking for love just as you are.